May's New Forest Ramble

NERDS’ Ramble No 270 8-11 May 2012. Those Present - Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Paco. The New Forest Rambles 2012. The NERDS may have had the “luck of the NERDS” for the last ramble when we went to Plumpton and had simply gorgeous weather most of the day. However the forecast for the annual shindig in the N.F. was fairly vile. We were promised rain, more rain, wetness, and lots of rain. So, confident that we were probably going to get a bit damp, we packed wet weather gear and set off. Froggy was driving since he had the nicest colour car and the biggest collection of crap music to entertain us - (Mongoloid, Petula Clarke, Z Z Top, Abba, etc). Actually at this stage the sun was out shining and we were all happy and gay - well happy, at least and looking forward to a couple of days relaxation in sylvan surroundings. The car in front could have been made for Froggy; it had a couple of girls in it and “mwah, mwah” written on the back - like kissy , kissy or “moi, moi” in Froggy’s case. Zooming into Hampshire we started to get dire motorway warnings about traffic accidents and hold-ups. Paco started to get worried (Paco worried?!!!) that he wouldn’t get his dinner on time. He’d only had a light, teeny, weeny breakfast and was frightened his blood sugar would take a nose dive and he’d become impotent or something, so Froggy diverted towards Brockenhurst where we knew we’d get a good pub lunch. Arriving at the Rose and Crown we were pleased to see that the car park was still being used as a short cut by all the girlies from the local finishing school. They obviously sensed that the NERDS were out for a good time and had money because there was a lot of girlish giggling and flashing of girly bits to get our attention. Sadly ( and probably fortunately) Paco was hungry and dragged us straight into the pub so nobody fell in love or got into trouble …yet. During a good lunch ( you know what I mean) we made the acquaintance of Fernando from Portugual who served port to Paco, and of Sofia also from Portugual who brought us pudding. The NERDS naturally chose the Pensioners’ option meal because it was served on a silver plate and you got more RESPECT from the staff. Both Sofia and Fernando said they had only recently arrived in this country and because the queues at Heathrow had been so long they’d swapped passports with a couple of Nigerians at the back and sailed through the control. We sat around a bit wallowing in the sun and the nostalgia of the garden of the Rose and Crown until someone said we needed to buy some booze for that evening. So off to the off licence where Lafayette was despatched with the whip to get some brandy for the hard types, and some whisky for those that had heart trouble - apparently whisky doesn’t make your heart race (!) ( Neither does marmite give you spots or crunchie bars give you gout - so what?) On, on to Burley, not far from Brockenhurst, where we were to stay. The guesthouse, the Forest Tea House, was run by a golden haired, skinny milf called Jane. She had startlingly blue eyes and squeaked a lot - especially when she talked - but was very pleasant. We were dead thankful we didn’t have Philby with us since he would have been sure to fall in love with her, and would have bored the rest of us by serenading her with crap poetry and going through numbers one to ten of the (unsuccessful) Philby seduction scheme. Then he would have got all mournful and lagged behind on rambles hoping that she would run after him and pay him some attention (lol). In his excitement at arriving well fed, Paco clumsily dumped Lafayette’s beeyootiful cashmere jumper into a muddy puddle and completely ruined it ! Lafayette went bananas. “ What on earth shall I do now?” he screamed, “I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to wear. How can I possibly go rambling now? I shall have to stay behind with the milf and supervise her washing my jumper. You lot clear off and leave me to my chagrin.” But the NERDS weren’t having any of that. They recognised lust when it reared its ugly head and didn’t want Lafayette to turn into another Philby (although the poetry might have been better written). So they implored Froggy who was routemaster to drag him away out into the countryside. Now Froggy was concealing secret designs himself on the milf - we hadn’t seen any girlies for at least 45 minutes, remember - and got extremely jealous at the thought of Lafayette writing poetry and having his jumper sympathetically hand washed by the milf so he got in a mega strop and stomped off into the Forest where he could brood on the injustices of the world. Eventually a cowed and disappointed Lafayette was drawn in his wake with the others wondering where the hell the route was supposed to be. The NERDS finally caught up with Froggy and convinced him that Lafayette didn’t really fancy the milf, that he couldn’t write poetry and all he was concerned about was his bloody sweater, so Froggy relented and began to act like a leader. That day’s walk was really rather pleasant ie. The sun was out, the scenery was spectacular - a blasted heath and lots of trees; you could see for miles although the going underfoot was slippery, slidery and generally a bit precarious. Froggy read the map correctly, consulted his extensive notes and took us in the right direction through the trees and back to Burley. In the village we came across our first bunch of ponies hanging around, waiting for their giros and generally living off the State. As with all ne’er do wells they begat children and there was a cutesy baby foal at the side of the road. Lafayette went over and patted one of the ponies and asked if he could write it a poem because he had to do something while his jumper was being fondled back at the ranch. The pony was not impressed and told Lafayette to sod off and to stop hanging around its child. More rejection for poor Lafayette. After the ramble the NERDS changed their muddy boots and ambled down the road to the centre of Burley. There wasn’t much in the village apart from a few New Age shops selling witchcraft stuff, but at least there were a couple of pubs. The Burley Inn was rather a posh pub but sadly failed to sell Old Thumper. This is the kamikaze, cure everything snake oil brewed in the N.F. and after a few pints of this you are guaranteed to write brilliant love poetry, be amazingly attractive to all women and win the lottery all in the same week (at least that’s how it feels after about three pints of the stuff). Unfortunately it tends to disconnect the tongue from the brain so occasionally produces some interesting side effects - especially with Sandyballs. So we sat on the balcony soaking up the late afternoon sun drinking something a bit less potent, and Paco regaled us with tales of what he had done in Brasil a few years back when women would flock to his table and beg to be entertained. (Didn’t know they sold Old Thumper in Brazil). Froggy said he was so happy he wanted to be buried in the New Forest and we told him we could all help him with that, but he said he meant when he was finally dead, not now, stupids. Eventually we went inside and had a very good, but expensive meal. Paco was so impressed with the quality of the bottle of Rioja that he knocked his glass all over himself, the table and Froggy. Ah, these passionate latin types, they do like waving their arms about! Back at the Milfery we watched telly chez Froggy while Paco crashed out unconscious clearly exhausted by his day of chucking things about. Day Two - Lotsa Rain. As predicted the next day began (and continued) wet and rainy. We got a very nice breakfast from You know Who who told us about her cat and how the village had been much better when there had been pigs running through it. We concluded that Jane was in fact a Milf Witch who turned people she didn’t like into pigs and condemned them to a life of squeaking round the New Forest. She obviously liked Lafayette because she’d done a brilliant hand job on his jumper and sprinkled it with fairy dust to try to lure him away from the rest of the NERDS. Actually all of us felt like shit that morning due to … er rambling too much the previous day so we took ourselves off to the Burley Inn for one pint, decided it was really a bit too posh for scruffy NERDS, then splashed round to The Queen’s Head on the other corner to see if it was any better. Wow! What a difference! Here the beer was a lot cheaper and the service a lot more friendly. We made friends with a barmaid called Stacy who didn’t seem to be a witch and wasn’t old enough to be a yummy mummy let alone a milf, so we decided not to inflict the Philby seduction technique on her just yet. The NERDS decided the weather was so awful that rambling was temporarily out of the question. So we settled in a nice corner where Froggy and Sandyballs read the papers and Lafayette taught Paco to play dice. Lafayette won all Paco’s money off him but Paco won the magic jumper off Lafayette so he had to buy it back in case he was turned into a pig. (Never cross a witchy milf!) Eventually the rain eased up from being totally drenching to become just vaguely annoying. Froggy who had spent ages honing and perfecting his routes decided we shouldn’t sit around the pub all day but should go out to test his navigational skills. We went along the road and looked at all the posh houses, read all the local notices saying “Don’t feed the Witches” and entered the Forest. It was very damp, drops fell on us from the tall trees, the going , especially uphill, was treacherous, we slipped and slid and jumped over crazy streams. Sticky Welsh who was leading us pored over the map. We went up Lucy hill (Who?) and got very, very lost. We were afraid of the Witches and Paco started to get hungry again. Sandyballs had a terrible craving for Old Thumper and Lafayette tried to cheer everyone up by saying he would soon be back in the arms of the milf (the enchanted jumper was beginning to weave its spell). Froggy went through another patch of jealousy at Lafayette’s passion for our landlady and refused to speak to him again until he promised to stop behaving like Philby. Lafayette refused so Froggy went into a profound depression and tried to lead Lafayette into a stream to drown him. However the magic jumper protected Lafayette from Froggy’s wrath and showed him and the rest of the NERDS the right way back to Burley. Back at The Queen’s Head Stacy was glad to see us and told us the other pub we had been heading for ( The White Buck Inn) was rubbish and expensive and we were better off in her pub because it contained the only ATM machine in the village. Fair dos; since she had volunteered this helpful information we decided to spend our money chez elle - especially as it was curry night. We all had a good meal and Lafayette ate a lot of cake and although Stacy had gone home by now we left her a big tip. Back to the Milfery where watched a telly programme about gay marriage and another about waterboarding. Sandyballs said he’d recently been given instruction in this advanced interrogation technique up at Gatwick where he’d been sent off for mentoring recently. Froggy said they’d given up this technique at Newhaven and now relied on the Shirley Wirley technique she had picked up from Lafayette at Gatwick ie. Get your detainees pissed on wine and go and have a friendly chat with them. Night fell. The witches came out, the NERDS went to bed. Day Three - Going Home. Sadly today was our last mega breakfast served by Jane. We had to share the breakfast room with some Cloggies who seemed to be going to The Ile of Wight so we warned them about all the local hazards - rain, witches, milfs, pigs, posh pubs, more rain etc and bade farewell to Jane and her cat. She asked us to give her a favourable write-up on that website-where-you-say-if-you-had-a-good-time-or-not and we said we would. Lafayette said he’d send her some of his (Philby’s )love poetry and had a scheme in mind to make her famous, but saw that Froggy was starting to get jealous again and shut up. She asked for a link to the NERDS’ blog but we told her she wasn’t really old enough which made her feel happy. She said she wouldn’t turn Lafayette into a pig because he’d been nice to her. Froggy scowled. So we drove back home via The Black Rabbit at Arundel where we always stop (and where it always seems cold and windy). It had been a very interesting few days and we had visited a few old haunts and had some new experiences. Thanks to Froggy for: driving, and doing the routes even if the Forest and the weather defeated us all at certain times. Perhaps we shall return to see this part of the Forest again. Lafayette already has a trip booked en famille to buy his daughter a baby pony, either that or to sell her to the witches - it depends on how well she behaves. Nierdos para siempre! Lafayette.

April's Ramble 2012

NERDS’ Ramble No 269 - Mon. 30/4/12. Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, El Paco, El Capitan, B.T. The Florence Ramble Lafayette thought “ Well, what on earth can I call this ramble ( since they’re all repeats and the participants tend to be the same NERDS - except this month, of course). I know, I’ll name it after the barmaid we met cos she was able, willing , and I told her I’d make her famous. And so to Florence it is dedicated. Two NERDS of yore flattered us with their presence this time. B.T. had come over from France to sort out the usual family squabbles about inheriting those dodgy banknotes he’d left in the forgery room at Gatwick, and the Captain was on shore leave with a day or so to spare before visiting another wife in another port. While the NERDS were travelling (sans Sandyballs) to Lewes that morning, the Captain complained to Lafayette that he had nearly run down a familiar figure sprinting across the Newhaven ring road. Lafayette revealed that he had been secretly summoned by Lord Coe to take part in the Olympic 100 metres final to ensure that British interests were upheld and that Usain Bolt didn’t have things all his own way. He was, Lafayette continued, merely pitting his lightning acceleration against the early morning traffic, and anyway, the Captain had missed him hadn’t he? Breakfast was convened chez Vic on Lewes station platform where Froggy in a fit of generosity bought everyone cognacs to go with their coffee. Sandyballs was there already sharpening his Samurai sword and preparing to be a wicked mercenary in the pay of Mme. Home Secretary that coming summer. The powers that be considered that the way to solve the huge passport queues at airports was to put him and the Captain on adjacent desks so that they could chat together about the vast sums of money they hoped to be making - and thereby slow down the passenger flow even more. B.T. had been invited to be a floating forgery officer at the back of the control, but had declined the offer as he had never really been interested in making easy money. But to the ramble….Ah yes, in a month when it had done nothing but piss down with rain practically every day the luck of the NERDS had prevailed and the sun was out and shining over Plumpton race course where we began. Sandyballs said we should have to stroll very slowly along the lanes and dither a lot because the first pub was one of those awkward Sussex ones that only opened at noon. We met a girlie with a horse who directed our way pubwards - she looked very rural and horsy and obviously knew where the important places were in the county. Accordingly, at one minute past twelve we were banging on the door of The Jolly Sportsman at East Chiltington demanding to be let in. Sussex girlies let us in ( all the Polish and Roumanian ones had obviously fled the recession and had cleared off back home.) so we settled down to con them into thinking we were going to have lunch there.( It was an expensive gastro pub, you see, with vastly inflated food prices.) So we had a couple of pints and the Captain said he was waiting like a coiled spring for an important phone call from the Home Sec, and Paco said he had always lived in a perpetual state of coiled springery but since retirement he couldn’t quite remember why. Froggy chimed in saying he too wanted to be a coiled mercenary because it sounded cool, but everybody pointed out he couldn’t because he’d already pressed the F10 button on his machine and was due to self destruct before we got to the next pub. On, on we went, and after a lot of faffing around, going through horsy fields and fighting our way through Plumpton Agricultural College - where the students were idly standing around polishing their posh landrovers and untangling the knots in their ponies’ manes - we finally got to The half Moon pub. Here we met Florence who was very personable, very efficient and reckoned she had a brother called Zebedee (oing, oing.)The Admiral told her that he too was waiting like a coiled spring for the call to arms but she didn’t seem as impressed as the rest of us had been at this singular honour being paid to him. The food was good here - but sadly it had gone from being a place with good pub grub like last time, to becoming somewhat of a gastro mealery rather like the Jolly Sportsman. Maybe they were trying to keep out poor ramblers with muddy boots and loud behaviour. Ha!, Ha! Well, bad luck, the NERDS were all now rich and could afford posh gastro pubs and obliging bar maids so Up Yours! In our loud and inimitable way we discussed having a whip round to buy Froggy a stick-on chest wig so that he could cover up his scars and impress all the girls. Froggy said all the recent attention had so confused him that he had joined MI6. He admitted that it had actually been he who had killed Stephen Kelly and said he had stuffed some bloke into a suitcase the other week. It was better being a serial killer rather than a coiled mercenary because the money was better and you could exude an air of mystery. Florence took our icecream order and asked us if we fancied becoming lecturers at the nearby agricultural college where she kept her cow. She said there was a dearth of good looking middle aged men amongst the staff and we ought to apply. S.B. and El Capitan said they already had jobs, Froggy was a bit mysterious about what his job entailed, B.T. said he might find it a bit difficult to keep coming over from France to attend, so it was down to Lafayette to apply. He said he’d think about it if he got chucked out of CoastWatch for molesting pirates or something. To compensate Florence for failing to lure us on to the college staff we dragged her outside ( a la Philby) and took her photo with us, then we set off back towards the station at Plumpton. Along the way we mooned over some alpacas who were coyly trying to get us to join them in their field since it was the mating season. ( B.T. fancied the chocolate coloured one ; he said it reminded him of all his wives ie. petite dark and sexy). Then after a wait at the station we clambered on the train and smeared all the returning commuters with mud and bad language. It had been a good ramble thanks to Sandyballs’ impeccable navigating and the luck of the NERDS had held for the weather. It had been nice to see B.T. and the Captain again. Next week is The New Forest so let’s hope Froggy isn’t on a secret assignment for his new employers because this is going to be His Show! Bye for Now . Lafayette.

Future events

Hi all,   The date for the June ramble has been changed. It is now Monday 11th. Uncharacteristically, we have planned ahead and now set some future dates as well. July will be on Wednesday 11th. August will (probably) be on Thursday 16th. September, if you remember, may well be a 3- day visit to Rye - we have tentatively set this for Monday 12th to Wednesday 14th.   As always, these arrangements may well be altered. Please indicate if any of these dates present a problem.    Looking forward to the New Forest write-up. Should make interesting reading!   S.B.

Dear Nerds, This month we ramble on the last day - Monday 30th. We can expect an old friend to visit from abroad (BT) as well as occasional celebrity rambler ( the Captain) - as well as all the regulars. All are welcome. We are once again reprieving an old ramble - as we have to do now. Basically we are taking the train to Plumpton and will be lunching at the Half Moon. Also, on the way, it is hoped that we can have a pint at the posh gastro pub The Jolly Sportsman in East Chiltington - if we walk slowly enough, as the latter establishment does not open until noon. Therefore a slightly later start. Seaford/ Newhaven types take the 10.25/ 10.32 and alight at Lewes. Then to the Runaway Cafe to await the 11.20 to Plumpton. Hope the weather has improved by then. Perhaps Matt can have a word with Him Upstairs ? S.B.

Second "Plodders" outing?

Hi all,
 
Hope we are all looking forward to the second (?) Plodders tomorrow, 18.4.2012. I am glad to see that indecision and lack of coherent planning is alive and well in the new fledging organisation!
 
I would also like to confirm that the senior organisation, the NERDS, will be walking on Monday April 30th. As always, details to follow later.
 
Harry

March 2012 Spring Ramble

NERDS’ Ramble No 268 - Wed 21/3/12.

Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Matt, Dio, Lafayette.

Spring Ramble.


Lafayette had forgotten the most important thing that happened at the end of the last ramble. He had got knighted!!!!. As could be seen from the fantastic photographs taken in the posh house, Matt had made him Sir Lafayette. So, as well as owning a bit of a Scottish fishing bank, (thanks to Shirley Wirley) as well as being a fantastic naval hero, as well as being a founder member of the NERDS, or perhaps because of all this Lafayette had been greatly honoured…. That’s all….. on to the next ramble.

It was a fantastic, warm, spring day. The sun was out and as we were to see, the lambs were springing in the fields. The NERDS were a bit short again (in numbers) Froggy had got up from his convalescent bed (bravely), Paco obviously hadn’t got up from his bed, so wasn’t with us; Dio decided he needed to know a bit more about British eccentrics so had come along too.

The NERDS started off from Lewes station and ambled up Southover High Street. Sandyballs told us that he had been picked as an Olympic Torchbearer to represent Border Force United during the Games so had had to go up to Gatwick for an induction meeting. He was taught how to swipe the Olympic torch correctly and how to ask passengers daft questions like “ Have you come to bomb the UK during your visit?” etc.
Apparently there was a syndicate at Gatwick you could join to borrow the office knife if you wanted to cut your wrists ( That’s if you were a full time border lackey thingy), all the CIOs were 9 year old girlies from primary school and most of them were Nigerian. Nice to know things are improving up there!

Any road up, The NERDS turned left and came to a red traffic light in the middle of nowhere which said “Stop if Light is Red.”
So we dutifully stopped and hung about a bit and then Froggy decided to take a group photo. By the time this had been organised (sigh) and taken, the traffic light had gone red again so we had to hang around being bored for another ten minutes or so until allowed to proceed.

Finally we hit the fields where Dio took lots of photos of frolicking lambs with his camera phone, and where the rest of us got a bit bogged down in the boggitude of the fieldy bogs. Finally we got to The Juggs at Kingston, a consistently over-rated pub, but which happened to be the only one in the area.
We sat in the garden cos it was sunny and Froggy made his first venture into drinking alcohol since his cardiac lockdown. We all had to prepare for this. Would he suddenly drop dead foaming at the mouth? Would he go suddenly mad and start to babble rubbish or would he just act normal? Fortunately, the exercise seemed to bring a little colour to his cheeks and he insisted on getting his agent (Matt) to show us his operation scar (yawn). Matt felt it incumbent on him to get up and change tables whenever the sun got too hot ( too cold, too shiny, or too sunny) so we were constantly spilling pints and getting grumpy.

After a while we began to be amazed at the vast numbers of Old Trouts that a sunny day and a nice garden had dragged out to the pub. There were thousands of them all blethering and faffing indecisively round the bar and getting in the NERDS’ way, as usual. Eventually we were disillusioned by the crap service (too many Trouts and not enough barmaids) and moved on over the hills back towards Lewes.

On the way we met a nice white horse who came over to enquire if we’d got anything interesting to eat. We hadn’t, we but talked to it a bit and cuddled it a bit and told it our life stories and even took its picture to make it famous. It told us it was a prisoner and lived in a nearby windmill with a witch who hated Lewes council and it was trying to grow its hair so that someone would rescue it from its lofty tower. Since it was walking around fairly freely in some field or other we knew it was lying and hurried on before it could bewitch us.

And so The NERDS went over the sunny fields back into Lewes over suicide viaduct and into the Swan at Kingston. Now this is a nice pub with no Old Trouts, in fact at about half past three there was nobody else there except us. So we sat in the garden ( after having changed tables a couple of times at Matt’s request) and listened to how Froggy watches “Vintage Erotica” on some porny channel he’s got at home. Apparently if you google “Favourites” and “Froggy” together you get views of all his childhood TV heroines showing their tits off - before they all got famous on Blue (snigger) Peter.

Another quick trip to the Kings Head along the road signalled the end of this ramble and gave us concern for Sandyballs who said he himself was going to have an operation that week to have his face off, remodelled and put back on again. He’d been getting into debt recently what with weddings and such like and he owed a lot of money to some nasty people. He was therefore going down the route of drastic plastic surgery and would be disappearing for a while. He would be back, however for the next ramble when we hoped to be joined by B.T. fresh over from France.

Plus ca change plus ce sont les memes NERDS.

Lafayette.

March Ramble Joining Instructions

Dear Dwindling Band of Nerds,
 
This month we meet on Wednesday 21st. The meeting place will be Lewes station, once again. So, it is the good old 09.58/ 10.10 from Seaford/ Newhaven Town. From there we will probably make for the Juggs in Kingston - unless I have a better idea.
 
In his email, Lafayette mentioned setting the date for April. However I thought we already had arranged this for Wednesday 25th? Anyway we can discuss this and talk some more about the projected excursion to the New Forest in May.
 
See you
 
SB

March 2010 Ramble advance notice

Dear NERDS,

Hope you have all recovered from the long and gruelling ramble last month. Next ramble is next week! Wednesday 21st March so make sure you are all available that day.

Bring your diaries with you as we shall need to set a date for April when it is to be hoped we can Include B.T. who is rumoured to be visiting the UK with his good friend Lord Lucan - all very hush , hush , of course. (What a Mystery Guest coup that would be!).

Anyway, Sandyballs is currently being "trained" how to be an IO up at Status, then he is being "mentored" to make sure he doesn't run amok and kill someone with his landing stamp at the Olympics.

All for now - see you all next week - and bring diaries.

Lafayette.

P.S. no ramble route set yet; S.B. is giving this due consideration.

February Ramble

NERDS’ Ramble No 267 Feb. 27th 2012.

Those Present: Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, The Admiral.

The Posh House Ramble.

Today the NERDS were going on campus. While hanging around Falmer railway station leering at young nubile students (as you do), Sandyballs and Lafayette had come across a posh watering hole which they thought they might visit with their little friends.

It was a dull day in February, the NERDS all met up outside the University of Sussex at Falmer. No sign of El Paco, no sign of Bronco either despite Sandyballs’ message saying this wasn’t to be a difficult ramble in view of the NERDS’ various disabilities. In fact it had been recce-ed the week before by S and L to ensure it was flat enough and short enough so that nobody would suffer toothache, diarrhoea, depression or even a heart attack by coming along.

Froggy had bravely come out from his purdah of convalescence to run, jump and skip across the flat university precincts which led up to Stanmer House where we were headed. As the NERDS headed through the tunnel into the campus Lafayette (who had been expensively educated by his doting parents nearly half a century previously) remarked that the students didn’t seem to have changed much in all that time. The girlies were still wearing skirts up to their backsides (in a very fetching way) with the usual array of feather boas and high heels, and the guys were still trying to grow beards and look intelligent. Poor young things. Just wait till you have to try to get a job!

The NERDS wandered up the road towards the big house. It had obviously been the property in days of yore of some filthy rich beer baron - such as Lord Harvey of Lewes - who had owned vast tracks of land and had exploited the under privileged local peasants ( a bit like Lafayette’s Dad). We paused to admire the Donkey Wheel where poor little donkeys had had to work 30 hours a day plodding round and round to crush the hops that went into the beer that we all drink today. Doesn’t it make you feel ashamed to profit from all this torture and exploitation!

Anyway we went up past the petting farm. No, Froggy, not students, animals. Past the peasants cottages where they were allowed to crawl off to die at the end of their miserable lives, and round the church up to Stanmer House. This very stately home had been recently taken over by a go ahead restaurant chain who had retained the original ambiance of sophistication and managed to produce decent meals as well.

We were greeted at the door by a powdered flunky who, when we whispered “NERDS” in his ear rushed off to turf out Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to give us their table. He did look at Froggy a bit askance, however, and asked him to remove his boots. It must be said the place was rather posh. There were at least three dining rooms filled with Chippendale furniture, Old Master paintings adorned the walls and there was an open wood fire in each room.

An unctuous young Algerian came rushing up to supply our drinks and asked if he could satisfy our every desire. We politely declined even though Matt showed a bit of interest, and after a bit of faffing around with menus we were led away to be seated for lunch. The Admiral was very impressed when he heard that Angelina and Brad came here regularly to eat but had had to make way for the NERDS that day. Froggy was gloomy at having had to remove his footwear and related to us the sad story of his wicked wife who had nicked his pet mouse and kept it for her very own to spite him.

The meal was of the expected high standard and not too expensive either. Lafayette said it was like dining at his old Oxford College ( the one he had failed to get into) and the Admiral was even more impressed - ( he loves high class people, you see).

We whiled away the afternoon sprawled over various chaises longues in the drawing room while taking coffee from a silver pot. Various servants came and asked if they could gratify us but Lafayette waved them away with aristocratic disdain and they scuttled off to go back to their hop treading, or whatever they did on their afternoons off.

Finally, and sadly it was time to leave. The flunkey escorted us to the door and kissed Lafayette’s hand in wonder at the generous tip which was bestowed on him, while managing at the same time to surreptitiously kick Froggy’s boots out into the mud.

So back we walked down the drive marvelling at all this High Life that we had seen on our very doorstep and vowing to return some day. Back at the station we mingled with the soon- to -be unemployed young students and considered how wonderful it was to be so innocent and full of ideals and optimism. Lafayette had once been like that before he had fallen in with Bad Company (Guess what their names were) and his life had gone downhill. Still, he could always sell his silver spoon, I suppose.

Thanks to Sandyballs for discovering our eating place, and to Froggy for being so brave over the nasty rough terrain. More plans are afoot to make our annual trip to the New Forest to see the ponies again. Just don’t tell Lafayette’s daughter otherwise she’ll want him to bring her one back.

Lafayette.

Further joining instructions for 27th

This month's expedition takes place on Monday 27th. Selflessly, myself and Lafayette have just done the recce - and we are not charging you a penny for this! The route is SHORT and FLAT and takes no more than 30-40 minutes and is thus ideal for those NERDS who are in recovery mode. Malcolm, are you interested? There is even an option to do this totally on tarmac, thus avoiding the need to remove muddy boots at our up-market lunch location. Something a little more strenuous for March perhaps.
 
Talking of which, bring your diaries so we can sort out future dates and perhaps talk about a New Forest trip. To repeat, it is the 10.25 train from Seaford Central and you should be clutching a return ticket to Falmer.
 
See y'all.
 
Sandy

February 2012 Joining Instructions

Dear Nerds,

It seems like a long time since the last ramble. This month we go on Monday 27th. Basically we are walking in Stanmer Park and lunching at the new pub/ restaurant at Stanmer House. This is an upmarket establishment and so will probably attract the likes of The Captain. I and Mrs Sandyballs have dined there twice and have been pleasantly surprised. It seems to be walker-friendly as well, as plastic bags are provided for muddy boots!

We take the train to Falmer and walk from there. So if Seaford types take the 10.25 and Newhaven types the 10.32 - I will jump on the train at Lewes. The route is not too long and quite flat, so Nerds with dodgy tickers should have no problem.

Sandyballs

January 2012 Ramble

NERDS’ Ramble No. 266 Wed. 4.1.2012.

NERDS - Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, Matt, El Paco.

Darksiders - Dave, Roger, Ed, Marion, Sheila, Jane, Robert, Spangles, Moi.

Lafayette’s Birthday Bash.

This was somewhat in the nature of an experiment - introducing the NERDS to people from the outside world who were not just barmaids. A joint ramble with the Gatwick (South) Darkside, most of whom had seen the light (despite the name ), become unfit for purpose and retired to do what the NERDS do - drink and walk a bit.

It also happened that it was Lafayette’s 65th birthday. Another pension - hooray! That’s why he was hosting the ramble and providing cakes and fizz. NERDS came bearing gifts. Lafayette got a bottle of posh rum from Sandyballs (always useful), a hat with hair growing out of it from Froggy (always useful) and a nice bottle of wine from Matt.

Shortly after the Gatwick lot arrived also bearing gifts and cards too numerous to mention, but nonetheless gratefully received. Sheilax had got lost and was late so someone had to go and look for her. What do you expect from incompetent HMIs?

Fortunately the NERDS and the Darksiders had a lot in common and it did not take long for tales of ECO atrocities and “famous Nigerians wot I knocked off” etc stories to circulate. Meanwhile Spangles was amusing herself by crunching up Lafayette’s Christmas decorations in a dark corner to the delight of Lafayette’s slovenly daughter who was still kicking around in her pyjamas (as usual). At this point it was noticed that the NERDS were making a very poor showing, there being only two who had turned up. Matt had a bad back and said he would meet us for lunch, Bronco was in hospital getting his bits replaced, but of El Paco there was no sign. Rumour had it that he had thought the ramble had been the day before, but he hadn’t turned up even then!

Anyway after the vin and cake d’honneur everyone put themselves under Lafayette’s leadership to be shown round the delights of Newhaven. The weather was cold and very windy but we headed down towards The Mighty Ouse where Lafayette pointed out the picturesque metal tip and the artistic incinerator which had been built to get rid of fiendish Algerians caught trying to gain entry to the UK in the back of lorries.
Useful - no paperwork you see.

On, on up the course of the river we went with Spangles chasing anything that moved - swans, cats, Algerians - and the rest of us trying not to slip in and drown.
We reached Piddinghoe, a pleasant fishing village which used to have a good pub, The Royal Oak, many years ago. However due to a very suspicious fire the latter had been turned into a private house. Some say that King Charles the First had been seen floating around inside this house but he had not often been seen with his head at the same time.
On the way back we admired the incinerator again and then popped into The Jolly Boatman at the bottom of Lafayette’s old road for a wee and a snifter. Lafayette hadn’t been in here for about ten years and found that it was still pretty crap. However they were serving some posh Christmas Ale called “Santa Claus” which turned out to be very tasty. Maid Marion of course had to show us all up by betraying her bourgeois roots and demanding cava to drink.

Time was marching on and we were not, so Lafayette dragged everyone out of the pub in an attempt to get a move on and get down to the Flying Fish for lunch. We made it only about ten minutes late but the Old Aussie who ran the place didn’t seem to mind. There we ran into a) Matt who had gone there early to get a good seat, and b) surprise, surprise, Paco and young daughter, Lara who had dragged him out of bed, dusted him off and driven him to the rendezvous. Thank you, Lara; Paco needs organising and a firm hand.

Lunch was pretty good except things got a bit complicated with two sets of kitty/ whip to deal with at first. The wine flowed, the candles refused to be lit and Sandy balls and Lafayette were given carte blanche to finish off Sheilax’s chips. More wine flowed; the Darksiders started fraternising with the NERDS and all went well. Jane snuggled up to Paco, Matt snuggled up to Froggy, Lafayette snuggled up to Spangles and Ed got bored and went off to play darts with somebody’s 10 year old son. Soon it got dark. “Hooray, “ thought Lafayette “I won’t have to take them rambling any more cos they’re too pissed. There was even a cameo appearance from Mrs. Sandyballs who had been teaching nearby and who dragged Sandyballs home out of the hands of the Darkside Harpies.

After lunch we all moved into the other bar next to the fire. It was very warm and pleasant. So warm in fact that Sheilax managed to go to sleep against the bar. Now Lafayette is an expert in going to sleep, it runs in his family, but to see someone sleeping upright and not falling over - how cool is that? Lafayette was dead impressed and vowed to practise this himself so that he could save energy on future NERDS rambles.

Little by little the NERDS all slipped away. I mean, they all lived so far away, and even the Darksiders thought maybe they should head for home. So Lafayette led them to the station where they all missed the train by about five seconds. Still it enabled everyone to say goodbye to each other at leisure and to appreciate the fine architectural features of Newhaven station for another twenty minutes or so.

Lafayette reckoned it had been a success; The NERDS and Darksiders hadn’t quarrelled and nobody had got injured. In fact it had been quite fun and perhaps another joint bash might be considered for some time in the future.

Lafayette would like to thank all those who participated,
gave him cards and contributed to his wine cellar.
Happy New Year to tout le monde.

Lafayette.

January 4th Ramble Joining Instructions

Dear NERDS,

Hope you all had a good Christmas and here's wishing you a Happy New Year.

This months ramble will kick off chez Lafayette and will be graced by some of the Gatwick South group ( The Darkside ).

Meet at Lafayette's house at 10 30hrs. This will mean getting the 10 o'clockish train from Seaford - those of you who come from that direction. Sandyballs get an appropriate train from Lewes.

Lunch will be at the Flying Fish.

Lafayette.

P.S. There may be girlies from Gatwick so make sure you have had a wash and don't do any swearing.

Christmas Ramble 2011 Number 265

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Further Christmas Ramble notes

Frog says,
 
Yeah! But I don't care, I'm taking 2 of my alter egos (flip flops) to keep my pinkies warm on those flagstones and to keep my sox piss-free. I have also thought about plastic bags for that taxi drive home and have 4 separate sets, 2 from Tesco, 1 from Sainsbury's and one mystery set. Bring on the mud!
 
ps drat oh double drat I've lost my "A Nerd is not just for Christmas" badge, but I will be sporting another famous one.............

Christmas Ramble Joining Instructions

Subj: Tomorrow's Xmas Ramble
Looks like we might get away with some dryish weather tomorrow - but the going wil be soft! See you all at Vics on Lewes station.
 
SB

NERDS’ Ramble No. 264 - 22/11/11.

Those Present - Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, El Paco.

The “Philby’s Birthday” Ramble.

Today was the anniversary of Philby’s birthday (who? You may ask…..well he was Belgian or something and would have been 60 if he had still been alive. - Poor Philby, cut down in his prime before being allowed to retire.) Anyway we all thought that this occasion at least was worth a drink…and since it was rambling day….

Froggy was in his last week of freedom during which he was under sentence of death for sporting a haircut like that of a hedgehog. The sentence was due to be carried out at Brighton Hospital next week, and the NERDS were all keen to know what he wanted put on his gravestone and whether he wanted to be planted next to said Philby in Seaford cemetery. ( Shame Froggy wouldn’t be able to retire and get his pension either, especially after all the fuss he had been making about this recently.)

But enough of Froggy, our thoughts were on Philby that day and what a fantastic, responsible, reliable team player he had always been who literally had to be forced by the NERDS to take any form of drink, such was his sober, upright, Calvinistic, protestant upbringing. Many suspected that he might actually be gay since you never actually caught him talking to, or even looking at girls. He seemed to be only interested in that boring sideline of his, that of running a little bodega or grocer’s shop somewhere, although the premises seemed to be some sort of secret and moved around a lot.

However to the ramble. It was a dull, shite type of day with rain threatening and the NERDS got on the train to Berwick after the compulsory second breakfast at Vick’s (as was) at Lewes station.
Berwick happened to be next to the Berwick Arms by good fortune so we piled in there and had a couple of pints while oggling Miss Milf who served the beer. Pity Philby was almost certainly gay otherwise he might have fallen in love with her like Froggy did; but anyway he would have been too shy to even look at her (you remember how he was with girls). She was indeed something - but enough of this NERDish lust and back to the ramble.

Destination today was chez Pete at the Yew Tree at Arlington.
To do this, and to get there before all the Old Trouts in Sussex, we had to circumvent the reservoir so we went the short way round, ie. the right hand side, and were disturbed to notice that the reservoir was really low in water. Hope they’d have enough to enable the local breweries to continue to function.

We went over the river on the rickety rackety bridge where B.T. used to dance on the railing (but survived) and then into Arlington itself. True to form, Pete’s car park was full of cars - always a bad sign (for us), and when we got in there the place was crowded with nice old people. We fought our way to a table and were greeted by Pete in his usual bonhomious way; he still thinks we are something to do with Customs and Excise (as if..)
But at least he doesn’t poison our meals.

You can see why the Yew Tree was so popular. First of all the decorations were stunning, it had three Christmas trees, it had tables full of miniature snowmen and lots of tinsel and stuff hanging from the ceiling. Added to which the meals, of course, had huge helpings and were really yummy. To celebrate Philby’s birthday we all had a mega dessert of Belgian icecream covered with the contents of a miniature bottle of Baileys. Philby would have been proud of us (if he hadn’t been so gay - and dead) but at least we thought about him (a bit).

Lunch over we returned over the rickety, rackety bridge but saw no trolls or B.T.s (surprise, surprise) then back round the reservoir where we were pursued by a sea monster and latterly by vampires - it getting on for dusk an’all. Amazing the restorative power of a few drinks!

So we took refuge from all these strange apparitions in the Berwick Arms once again where Froggy regaled us with tales of how he used to frolic around with his playmates in the sandpit of the Tuileries gardens in Paris (bet he was a psammead - go google it!). We humoured him and plied him with more drink since he hadn’t got long to live anyhow, and we all promised to read his book when he was dead and look after his widow well and drink all his drink stores etc, so he felt better after that.

And so the end to another ramble in which we comforted Froggy and remembered Philby. Next month is the Christmas ramble when we can remember both Froggy and Philby, and think about Bronco and perhaps B.T. ( are you coming over for this, B.T.?)

So best of luck with your execution on the 1st, Froggo. Can I have your stamp collection, please?

Love to all.

Lafayette.

NERDS’ RAMBLES Nos 262 & 263.

26th Sept. and 17th Oct. 2011.

The First One - The alleged 4 pubs Ramble.

Those Present - Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs and Paco (a bit later)

This was Froggy’s idea. “ Let’s do a ramble which takes in four pubs and ends up with lunch - Nothing can possibly go wrong”
Lafayette laughed himself sick at this brave optimism but as ever was keen for new experiences so went along with the scheme.

The NERDS (well, 3 of them - Laf, Frog and SB) all met in Vic’s for breakfast cognacs. Sandyballs had decided that since he could no longer call himself a Catholic he would have no guilt about doing this - the other 2 just didn’t give a shit and wanted a drink. El Paco was remarkable by his loud absence, but by now we were used to his little pecadillos so weren’t overworried. News reached us that Bronco, being as skillful at driving as he was on a horse, had rolled his Land Rover in Glynde and walked unhurt from the flaming wreckage (should have auditioned for Spooks). Apparently he had gone straight round the garage to buy a new Ferrari so that he could mop up the bastards who had dared to walk in front of him the first time.

Anyway The NERDS got the train to Berwick and were just piling into the handily placed Berwick Arms for a post breakfast and pre ramble drink, when another maniac in a car screeched to a halt alongside them. El Paco had apparently overslept (Well, damn my eyes!) but hadn’t wanted to miss all the fun.

The landlord of the pub had apparently been unable to unload many of his free Sailor Jerry CDs on to his regular customers (see last month’s ramble) because the music was so bad so we took a few away with us to use as bookmarks and drinks coasters.

The weather was sort of dull but OK with a bit of drizzle. The NERDS set off for pub No 2. The Cricketers at er… well you know the one, it’s on the other side of that nasty main road where everyone (except Lafayette who is a brilliant sprinter with shit-hot reactions ) gets squashed trying to cross.

Several squashed NERDS later we found ourselves inside said pub where Paco disgraced everyone by asking for a glass of milk. (Nerves shot to hell by trying to cross the road, apparently)
This had to be downed quickly and we were allowed only a brief goggle at the nymphet barmaids `cos we had to be on, on to the next pub.

Along the old coaching route we went fearing to meet Bronco playing at being Dick Turpin in a red Ferrari or else attempting to mow us down under the hooves of his beloved Crunchy.
On, on went the NERDS heading towards pub No. 3, The Rose Cottage where on previous occasions a talking parrot had served the drinks and where Lafayette had made friends with a black pussy (don’t ask).

Unfortunately time seemed to be running out ( too much boozing) and lunch was in danger of being retarded by potential Old Trouts. So an executive decision was made to swerve Rose Cottage and make it The ‘3 Pub’ Ramble instead, and head for The Barley Mow which was still on the right side of that nasty main road.

At just about this time Sandyballs got a text from someone he called ‘The Bitch’ but who was in fact none other than The Bish to say that he had become a grandfather (again). Well, we’d have to drink to that wouldn’t we? Yet another ugly little face appears in the world to possibly join the Flintoff generation of baby NERDS.

So to the Barley Mow we tramped. That is all except Sandyballs who had “mislaid” his very expensive Primark jacket with the Tiffany cufflinks and had wandered off in a fruitless search for these baubles. On returning (fruitlessly) to the pub Sandyballs found Lafayette three parts of the way through a large bag of porky scratchings because he was unable to wait for his dinner to be cooked.

The Barley Mow must have changed hands since the very ordinary Christmas dinner suffered there by the NERDS the year before last. The food was dead good with a lot of variety and El paco ordered a bottle of posh Merlot to celebrate the arrival of Ugly Young Bish into the world. Froggy told us of his guilty secret of watching ‘Internet Ladies without Clothes’ on his computer (Well, there’s a surprise!) we all thought he was going to divulge a passion for killing a lot of Jews in the war . Never mind, Froggo, your secret is safe with the NERDS - it will never get revealed.

Outside the weather had turned nice and sunny and autumny. The NERDS squashed their way over the main road (all except Lafayette, of course) and proceeded through dappled fields back to The Berwick Arms.There, after a few drinks SB took the train back chez lui and the remaining three chased a butterfly round the decking outside to allay Lafayette’s fear of nasty, fluttery things. (It had been that sort of ramble).

Next Ramble, No. 263. - The Posh Village Ramble.

Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Paco (at the beginning , would you believe,) and Lafayette
Sandyballs was going to try a new ramble today instead of re-cycling all the old ones; The NERDS were all terrified of this radical approach to their drinking and feared getting massively disorientated; however things do not always go to plan.

The omens were not very good. Froggy had received intelligence that the pub the NERDS were due to lunch at at Ansty had closed down. Time for a recce in Sandyballs’ car to establish the truth. On arrival at the pub Lafayette crept up to the front window and peered in. Not only was there no beer, no landlord, no food, there was not even a scrap of furniture; the bailiffs had obviously stripped the joint. Time for Plan B.

Not only did our lunch plans seem foiled, but concern had been expressed over the whereabouts of BT who had disappeared to China a couple of months previously and not been heard of since. Was he languishing in a Chinese jail for trying to pass off his wife as an official interpreter? Or had he simply absconded to Libya lured by the thought of the easy money to be made there in the post revolutionary mess? Even as Lafayette penned these fantasies the truth remained obscure.

Any road up, Sandy balls drove us to Cuckfield while Paco and Froggy debated between themselves whose wife had been the worse cook. Were fishcakes badly cooked worse than lentil bake a la Bresilienne? Lafayette wisely remained silent at this point; he knew that Mrs Lafayette sometimes got up late in the night to read his outpourings of genius on the computer, and he didn’t want to get caught out.

Arriving at Cuckfield, a rather pretty Sussex village obviously full of rampant Telegraph readers and no Pikies, SB went off to purchase a disc to enable himself to park (complicated huh?).
Meanwhile the other NERDS found themselves being drawn towards The Talbot in Cuckfield High Street where all the other customers were sitting aroung reading the Telegraph ( This isn’t actually the real reason; they could smell the beer). Anyway this place had a lot to recommend it. For a start it opened at 10.00hrs
(always a good point) and then it sold local beer, had a massive bonsai tree in the outside bit, a friendly barman of the commoner sort, and a menu that looked rather promising (although a bit pricey).

So all tooled up with drink, the NERDS lounged around on the comfy armchairs and attempted to guide Froggy through sponsoring the passport application of one of Paco’s (many) grandchildren. After a few drinks even Paco couldn’t remember which grandchild it was or even what nationality it was supposed to be that week. Was it a proper grandchild or had it come in in the back of a lorry? Oh sod it ; let’s have lunch.

Sandyballs was twitching a bit now and making noises about doing some rambling, but he was overruled because the menu looked good, the waitress was beckoning and we all wanted another drink. Well, wow! What a lunch! Lafayette had the lovely linguini and mushrooms and truffles and drizzled nectar and stuff and went into ecstatic overdrive. All agreed whatever they had had was super duper so we went overboard and had some orgasmic icecream for dessert ( at least, Lafayette did). This was definitely a “NERDS approved” establishment.

By this time Sandyballs had gone from exuding petulance to being downright bad tempered. “We have come here to walk.” he raved. “ Fuck off.” the rest of us said , wondering which brandy to choose. (Paco favoured the Carlos Primero, but I digress). So to maintain a semblance of being a walking group (lol) we reluctantly tore ourselves away from this gastronomic paradise and wandered out into the wilderness of West Sussex.

The weather had got better, and was nice and autumny ; like coppery leaves and mellow bollocks and stuff. We blindly followed Sandyballs’ promptings and went down some path or other (which was actually very pleasant) in the direction of “Ansty Without the Pub” and ended up (surprise, surprise) in the Talbot at Cookfield for double brandies. Sandyballs had had his honour satisfied and his Catholic guilt assuaged and the rest of the NERDS had got back to where they wanted to be.

Froggy declared his eternal ambition to bring Mike Clarke and Matthew together in a civil ceremony with the NERDS dressed in little frocks as bridesmaids ( I may have got this a bit wrong ; the notes by this time were a little unclear there being brandy all over the embark cards. - Laf.) so we called it a day in the Talbot and Sandyballs drove us all back to the Gardeners in Lewes where we resumed our deliberations about er… whatever it was.

It had been a good “ramble” because we had walked a bit, found a new mega fantastic pub and discovered another chocolate box Sussex village that we hadn’t actually been thrown out of. So thanks to Sandyballs for routing and driving; to Froggy for being funny (in a nice way) and to Paco for turning up at the beginning. You’re getting better, you’ll just have to practise more!

There you go, you NERDS; two write ups for the price of one.
Now wasn’t that worth waiting for?


Lafayette.

THE NERDS’ Ramble No. 261. 22/8/11.

Those Present - Froggy, Matt, Sandyballs, Lafayette.

Special Guests - Bronco, Dumpling.

The post Wedding Ramble.

The NERDS were all recovering from the wedding of the year which had taken place a couple days before. This, of course, was the fantastic celebrations following the marriage of jeune Sandyballs, ( also known at the age of 6 as The Baby Hippy on account of her (then) tatty hair and general scruffy appearance)
And Warwick, son of Manneville, bachelor of the parish of Lewes.

The celebrations had gone on all evening; the NERDS had been wowed by the generosity of the hosts ( Mr and Mrs Sandyballs) who, in addition to laying on mountains of food and huge quantities if drink, had imported a lot of young chicas in very short frocks simply to entertain the NERDS by dancing before them in a provocative manner. Everyone had had a really good time, especially Sandyballs who had been seen bouncing off the walls of the venue and disappearing into the Gents. Lafayette had pointed him in the right direction, as usual, and then retired to the bar to threaten his own daughter with disinheritance if she ever started demanding a wedding on such a scale for herself one day. (After all, Lafayette is just a poor pensioner ).

So the NERDS were all basking in that warm, rosy afterglow which comes from eating and drinking too much ( not that this happens much, lol) when they woke up to the fact that it was time for the next ramble. Firstly, all round to chez Sandyballs for a breakfast of wedding cake and er..cognac (well they do go rather well together!). Froggy wasn’t sure about all this rich diet and accused Sandyballs of trying to block his fatty heart with excess confectionery. “Murderer,” he screamed, “ Just because I’m the only one still at work, you’re trying to kill me off because you’re jealous!” Sandy balls privately admitted to himself that he really was missing being at work but said there was so much cake left over that he thought he’d just foist it off on the NERDS before it got stale. Lafayette wondered what the interesting wooden bit he’d chewed on in the middle of his cake was but Sandyballs said it was just a bit of fertility tree that had fallen into the mixing bowl and was actually a sign that Lafayette’s manhood would increase in size the older he got (fancy that!).

Since Froggy felt too weak to walk over the hills to Glynde, S.B. decided to take us all to the Anchor at Ringmer where Bronco might be hanging out. The NERDS made sure the bottle of brandy was dead and then set off. The day was dull and rain threatened; however the route was pleasantly flat so that anyone even with the slightest trace of heart disease could be expected to cope. We passed witchy looking women from the woods near Lewes and old hippy type men with beards and sandals. All you get in Newhaven are sailors from the ships and Turks out of the back of lorries, so a pleasant change for Lafayette.

At The Anchor we sat on the comfy sofas to await Bronco who probably hadn’t got up yet. To while away the time Dumpling D. told us stories of how he’d had to face hordes of fuzzy-wuzzies besieging the Embassy when he’d been posted to Lagos. Apparently they’d wanted to pay back the tax their dependants had fiddled when going to the UK but Dumpling had bravely mown them down with machine gun fire for the filthy liars he knew them to be. No sense in paying back tax when none was needed, he reasoned.

Bronco turned up looking a bit pale; he’d been trying to get over the last occasion when SB and Laf. had lured him down The Anchor and filled him full of gin. All his other (octagenarian) mates from the pub welcomed him back and he proceeded to order a large steak which put a bit of colour back in his cheeks. Bronco told Sandyballs he couldn’t wait to get back to work because he was missing Shirley Wirley being nice to him. Sandyballs burst into tears and vowed to revise a lot and do team working from home just to catch up with all the other lucky workers.

The food wasn’t bad and Lafayette had Eggs Florentine to show how sophisticated he was; Matt had lots of apple crumble to show what a pleb he was. Matt said when he retired he was going to buy an ice cream van and deal drugs to school kids because this was the way forward ( Graham Boiling quote) Dumpling said he’d have to pay tax even on immoral earnings but Matt thought he’d be OK if he sold a bit of icecream as well.
Dumpling thought he ought to invoke The Human Rights Act (Article 6 - the right to make a lot of money) but Matt thought this was vulgar as he’d never been interested in having a lot of money anyway; he just wanted to be of some use to humanity and he was going to leave all his money to that famous society in Seaford, the C***s, anyway.

The conversation turned to those who had “ladies who do” to clean their houses and those who didn’t. Bronco said Froggy had been such a good friend to him that he was going to send his own cleaner round to his house specially so that she could clean the cobwebs off his willy. Froggy started getting worried about the effect this might have on his dicky (geddit?) heart, but Bronco assured him that his cleaner’s tickling stick was really quite remarkable and would only give him mild palpitations.

The NERDS then said goodbye to Bronco who was going home to ensure there was enough mess in his house to justify the cleaner returning. After that we got the bus outside The Anchor to Lewes to save Froggy having to strain his heart any more by needing to ramble ( Aren’t we all considerate?), and ended up in The Gardeners where Lafayette had his tea consisting of cider and porky scratchings.

It had been a slightly unusual ramble since the original route had been cancelled for health reasons. However, thanks to Sandyballs and Mrs Sandyballs for all the cake and stuff and it had been nice to see Dumpling and Bronco again.

Dates of the next rambles are as follows just in case everyone gets drunk and forgets what we decided on:

September - Monday 26th
October - Friday 21st
November - Tuesday 22nd
December - Wednesday 14th

Bye for now.

Lafayette.

NERDS’ RAMBLE No. 260 - Wed. 20th August 2011.

Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, The Bish,

The Not So Mystery Guest - Shirley Wirley.

The “ Beauty and the 5 Beasts” Ramble.


Well, you know what they say, the older you get the more you lust after young women. That’s why up to now Rule No 2 (or is it 2a?) was “No women on NERDS’ rambles! This was because they might want to talk to us, flirt with us, seduce us, marry us, interfere in our lives and actually think they were good enough to take over NERDS’ rambles. No, we couldn’t have that at all, I mean what would our wives say?

But today was to be an exception because Shirley Wirley wouldn’t do any of the above nasty things to us - she’d got more sense! Besides which, we’d got Matt with us to warn us of the dangers of hellfire if we got unclean thoughts (especially about women), and The Bish who was ugly enough to frighten off any women and Lafayette and Froggy who loved each other to bits (see photo of Lafayette’s clumsy attempts at foreplay in the station shelter at Normans Bay. Sorry Brian, you’ve been away so long that there’s a new catamite on the block.)

The weather did not look promising. It was dull and shitey looking, hardly the sort of day to get entangled with the opposite sex, - or any sex for that matter. Most NERDS met on the train from Seaford where the Bish popped up again to swell our ranks. Long time no see. Had he been consorting with other rambling groups or just hiding his light under a bishel? The man refused to say, although we all suspected he’d been off pirating with The Captain.

But no, The Captain, it was rumoured, was presently in Cornwall spending all his lump sum on fancy high heeled shoes and mastadon skin handbags. ( It just shows you how retirement makes you turn a bit weird! ) and The Bish steadfastly denied all accusations of going out shopping with weirdos.

But back to the ramble. The NERDS had the usual cup of coffee at Vick’s on Lewes station and got their photo taken in the waiting room by some eager young mademoiselle (Froggy’s charm working overtime again) then they got on the complicated train that goes to Eastbourne, back out of Eastbourne , all along the south coast, round and round the houses until it ends up at…..er somewhere I forget but it was near a nice field where we stopped to admire Sandyballs’s new boots.

Having spent all his NERDS career wearing sandals with no socks (some half-arsed fashion statement, allegedly) S.B. had decided now was the time to become a proper NERD and get some kitten heeled rambling boots. He had therefore sought the advice of The Captain, that well known pervert and foot fetishist, and come up with a boring pair of size 13 footwear type thingies which didn’t flop around like the last pair of sandals he’d turned up in.

Admiring speeches were made, photos were taken and awards given out. Sandyballs was very happy with all the adulation and vowed we could bury him in his NERDS boots next to Philby when his number came up. Froggy here made a bid for fame as the wannabe- next- NERD- to- croak by saying he was going for an angiogram next week and was feeling a little pale and wan at the thought of having to be fitted with the vicious nipple clamps which were apparently obligatory. Lafayette said he’d once gone out with an Irish bird called Angie O’ Plasty and was she any relation to Froggy’s angiogram, or did his one just play old fashioned records? Matt just smirked and murmured something about a club he’d been to in Berlin once.

We seemed to be in Pevensey so Sandyballs thought he’d celebrate his new footwear by buying some chips. Then we did a bit of rambling and then we went into a pub. It was a nice pub although the barmaid did look a bit askance at Lafayette when he asked for a Guinness shandy. “ Why can’t you drink Harvey’s like all the other daft NERDS? “ she said “This stuff is really sticky and gets everywhere.” Lafayette didn’t know what to say to this and turned to Matt for advice. The only answer he got was something along the lines of somebody’s solicitor was looking for work. Er.. Fine, I’ll just drink my Guinness and stuff then.

We sat outside and learned that that weekend something called PEVFEST was going to take place, and that it was going to be a local BIG, BIG THING, apparently even bigger than the usual futile “hunt the virgin all round Pevensey” event which took place every twenty five years, but this time with lots of rock bands !!!! “Er ………super,” we said and quickly downed two more pints before running away and looking for a chip shop.

Sandyballs led us unerringly to his pre-prandial aperitif of carbs, and because it would have been rude to let him eat by himself we all joined in and risked spoiling our appetites. On, on, we went through crappy caravan sites, along narrow country roads until Sandyballs got a phone call from some irate woman who was starving, wanted her dinner and demanded to know where he was. S.B. ‘fessed up to making a detour to get some chips and getting everybody lost in the process. The angry female voice threatened SB with the sack if he didn’t get his arse in gear but the latter quietly smiled and said actually,he had retired. Ho, ho!

Eventually The NERDS arrived at The Star at Normans Bay where an excellent, roasty dinner was on offer, and where suddenly a woman turned up wanting to be nice to us. However, this was no ordinary woman, this was Shirley Wirley the bestest girlie and the most efficient CIO (sadly demoted) in the whole wide Border Control Agencie Thingie wotsit. Lots of hugs and kisses all round and then rearrangement of the seating plan so that Froggy could talk a lot about work and so that the rest of us could just look in wonder into Shirley Wirley’s eyes and wonder why we hadn’t repealed NERDS’ Rule 2 (a) long before.

Later on that cold, rainy afternoon somebody thought it would be a good idea to go and freeze outside while hoovering up the pearls of wisdom which were emanating from SW’s lips, but in the end she had to hurry back home to cook Tin of Beans’s’ tea so sadly the NERDS had to say goodbye. There were lots more hugs and kisses and we found out that actually, and contrary to a malicious rumour put out by Froggy previously, Shirley Wirley
had quite a nice thin, but gropable bum which she tore from our grasp and led enticingly away. Now you see why girlies really shouldn’t be allowed on rambles; they’re really very bad for NERDS’ blood pressure!

Waiting in the train shelter at Normans Bay Lafayette fell in love with Froggy (faute de mieux) and tried to twist his nipple off. Froggy responded by telling Lafayette something fascinating about work, but Lafayette wasn’t listening; he was fantasising about mumsy thingies and slumped down in a drunken coma until the train came.

Most of the NERDS ended up in Lewes, apart from two whose combined age exceeded a hundred and forty, and the stalwart NERDS ended up in the Kings Head drinking Doombar.

It had been an interesting ramble and one in which Lafayette’s hormones had occasionally got the better of him. Thanks be to Sandyballs for the route and to Shirley Wirley for the entertainment. Oh, and to all those who met together to talk about work……fascinating stuff. Can’t wait for the next instalment.


Lafayette.

Fellow Nerds,
 
This month we ramble on Wednesday 20th. As some of you may know, we will be lunching at The Star Inn at Normans Bay - where hopefully we will lunch in the company of la belle Shirley. You will need a day return ticket to Cooden Beach, BUT we will be alighting at a station before that to start the ramble. A pre- ramble pint cannot be ruled out. 
 
Therefore can the Seaford/ Newhaven contingent get out of bed a bit earlier and take the 09.25 from Seaford Central which gets to Lewes at 09.44. The onward train leaves at 10.09. Plenty of time for a coffee and whatever at Vic's.
 
Anybody know the date of the August ramble? This will obviously have to be a Froggy-friendly date.
 
See some of you next week.
 
Harry ( aka Sandy)

July 2011 Joining Instructions

Fellow Nerds,

This month we ramble on Wednesday 20th. As some of you may know, we will be lunching at The Star Inn at Normans Bay - where hopefully we will lunch in the company of la belle Shirley. You will need a day return ticket to Cooden Beach, BUT we will be alighting at a station before that to start the ramble. A pre- ramble pint cannot be ruled out.

Therefore can the Seaford/ Newhaven contingent get out of bed a bit earlier and take the 09.25 from Seaford Central which gets to Lewes at 09.44. The onward train leaves at 10.09. Plenty of time for a coffee and whatever at Vic's.

Anybody know the date of the August ramble? This will obviously have to be a Froggy-friendly date.

See some of you next week.

Harry ( aka Sandy)

The Floppy Boot Ramble!

NERDS’ Ramble No 259 - 8^th June 2011

Those Present - Sandyballs, Paco, Froggy, Matt,

Lafayette, Dio.

The Floppy Boot Ramble.

It was a pleasant June day; that is to say it wasn’t raining like hell. The NERDS had been instructed to gather at Vick’s on Lewes station to be briefed. Lafayette thought Vick had succumbed to the Philby Poetry prize and gone on to higher things, but apparently not, he had just been having a little rest and was now back serving commuters (and NERDS).

Matt had just returned from (yet another) cruise trying to evade the clutches of randy widows who wanted to get their hands on both his body and his other assets. He said there had been a free bar all over the ship and the fridge had been full of Slovenian pole dancers put there to gratify everyone’s whim. Sounded a bit like TN3 in the old days just as they were introducing women IOs in short skirts. Froggy was suffering from stress and sciatica brought on from (yet again) sitting on the photocopier at work trying to get a good picture of his bum to put in Shirley’s pigeon hole. ‘Nuff said.

Lafayette was still trying to impress on Dio that Brighton people talked funny and that it wasn’t a personal insult when they jabbered at you and you couldn’t understand a word. Dio kept thinking that everything the NERDS did was “very British” and utterly barking mad. Not so far off the truth when you think about it really. Paco was notable for his absence…but more of this later.

After gearing up on coffee and stuff the NERDS took the train to Berwick (Lafayette told Dio it was pronounced “Berrick” not how most Americans might think ie. Burrwick - he’ll get there in the end). On detraining we were greeted by Paco who had driven all the way to Berrick on account of what he had overslept and nearly missed the boat again. (Predictable or what?).

Thanks to Froggy’s great flair for scanning the internet we found the Berrick Arms actually open and willing to dispense beer at

11 00hrs in the morning - for a welcome change - so we all sat outside where it was fast becoming sunny and eagerly imagined having a pint in all the four pubs on this ramble. Ha, ha! how disillusioned were we to become, but circumstances and fate and destiny and somebody’s equipment were to be our downfall that day.

At this point we were informed that our old mate, Bronco had fallen off his horse and had been in hospital for a fortnight waiting for the NERDS to go and see him. Since visiting the sick is one of “the good deeds” wot NERDS do, Lafayette decided to mount an expedition to The Royal Sussex in Brighton the following day and to take Dio along as interpreter. Matt said we could go to Wetherspoons for lunch and perhaps even go to the pictures in the Marina, so we all decided to do that instead and sod Bronco who shouldn’t have been on his horse in the first place.

Then Matt mentioned that it was his 29^th birthday the following day and how he’d like to buy us all a drink. We weren’t at all sure about this as we’d got a long way to go and didn’t want to spoil our appetites for lunch. However after a bit of arm twisting and appealing to our sense of decency The NERDS graciously allowed Matt to indulge his little whim but restricted it to a wee half of lemonade as we were all keen to get going.

The route took in a sort of path or cycle route towards The Cricketers, our next port of call. Lafayette remembered that it was up this particular road a couple of years back that Froggy had offered him a swig from his hip flask and introduced him to the delights of Sailor Gerry (that is rum, not what you were thinking). So pondering on these happy nostalgic thoughts Lafayette began to notice that Sandyballs was limping rather and falling more and more behind. The sad excuse for this was apparently that he had a number of small holes in his boots which were slowing him down. ‘More attention seeking’ thought Lafayette and carried on. The NERDS had for years pursued a firm policy of ignoring attention seekers so much so that it had succeeded in driving one into his pretty little grave.

Crossing the A27 near The Cricketers is always good for a laugh and enabled Lafayette to relive his glory days when he took on Usain Bolt in the egg and spoon race 60 yards dash a few years ago. Matt unfortunately had lost his own particular edge of speed and not only got nearly mown down by a big lorry but nearly lost his trendy baseball hat as well. Lafayette bravely risked his life to step back into the lethal road to get it for him

(it was Matt’s birthday the next day, after all and he couldn’t be allowed to appear at his own party improperly dressed.)

And so to lunch at The Cricketers. This was taken inside and was rather expensive. Paco had a flat fish that looked as though it had been caught trying to cross the A27 - all mangled bones and flatness. Lafayette had sausages - for a change, and Dio had nothing. He was saving his strength for his next cigarette. The NERDS agreed that the lunches were not really up to the required standard even though the beer and the barmaids were OK.

Since the weather had now turned into a howling gale Lafayette proposed that we should all take our port and cigars (or whatever) outside and so we jammed all five of us on to one tiny picnic bench and huddled together out of the wind. Matt said he’d been a bit disappointed with the food and since mad cow cucumbers were being avoided that week on the continent he was going to revert to his healthy food option wherever he went

ie. burger and chips.

The conversation ran through the usual tick-box sequence of subjects - Philby’s shortcomings, Lafayette’s bitter experience on the Chartres, how lovely Mike Clarke was, Matt’s cruises (again), how cute baby Flintoff was, Froggy’s hang-ups etc, etc.

Just then Sandyballs really went for the attention seeking prize and said he was tired of life, tired of retirement, tired of the NERDS and proceeded to rip the sole off his manky boot and throw it in the air in frustration.

Lafayette who had done a CIO course on stress management immediately saw they were dealing with something serious, a potential suicidal NERD who had clearly lost his way.

Nothing for it therefore but to shake Sandyballs vigorously and shout at him to get a grip. Sandyballs dissolved in tears and sobbed that he couldn’t stand not being at work, that nobody at home loved him and that he’d never wanted to become a NERD anyway. Seeing that he was inconsolable Lafayette slapped Sandyballs some more and told him he was spoiling the day for everyone and because of his utter selfishness they had no option other than to abandon the ramble and head for home.

Gloom descended. There was talk of confiscating Sandyballs’s lump sum in reprisal but Lafayette hit the wimpering S. B. some more and said he had probably been punished enough by being made to stop work. Sandyballs tearfully agreed and promised to be a good NERD in future and pack in all the stupid attention seeking bollocks.

We drifted home (one of us hopped) until we got back to the ‘Berrick Arms’ which of course was now closed. So we tied Sandyballs to the railway line, stuffed his good boot down his throat and waited for the train to arrive. Rage was too bland a word for what the NERDS were feeling about how that day’s ramble had been utterly spoiled just by some selfish, petty display of wanting to be taken notice of.

On the train Froggy callously said he was really looking forward to his early shift the next day and thus made Sandyballs break down again and start blubbering about how he really missed stamping on and stuff like that.

At Lewes we got out, gave Sandyballs a last kick and then went our separate ways. What a day. Thanks go to all the real NERDS who had put up with Sandyballs’s totally inexcusable and wholly unacceptable behaviour. His position on the committee is now under review.

Please accept the Scribe’s apologies for having to bring you news of these obviously distressing events.

Lafayette.

Awaiting June's 'write-up'

Whilst we are awaiting the “write-up” from Lafayette I publish one of Froggy’s pictures. If you look carefully the 40 sign in the background is anachronistic. These chaps are way over that figure. However, judging by their body-language they really do look like public school prefects on their way back to school after an afternoon in the town ‘pigging-out’ on jam tarts and doughnuts! They all have their hands in their pockets (playing pocket billiards) and are swaggering along the road just looking for an out of place ‘oik’. Well; I have no doubt that the group will fail to reply to these observations, but we shall see.

Supplementary Joining instructions for June 2011

Herewith the jotting of Sandyballs and Froggy regarding the above.

Fellow Nerds,

This month we stagger about the countryside on Wednesday June 8th. We start the walk at Berwick Station which means taking the 11.09 from Lewes. So the Seaford contingent have a bit of a lay-in and take the 10.25 which gets to Lewes at 10.44. Thence to Vics for coffee and bacon sarnies before the onward train to Berwick.

As ever, if you cannot make it this time - please let me know.

Sandyballs

Fellow Nerds.

Halle-bloody-lujah! The Berwick Inn has new owners and more importantly new opening times, especially designed to accommodate thirsty Nerds at the beginning (but, alas, not at the end) of their epic walk. Here is the link to the new all-singing-all-dancing website.Yahoooo! Welcome back "The Four Pub Ramble"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My favourite all-time Sussex Ramble!!!!!

The Happy Frog xxxxx

http://www.theberwickinn.com/

ps Matt? Are you around?

Philby

A NERD EXTRAORDINARE

It’s nearly three years since “Philby” decided to leave the NERDS in his own unique way. It’s a notable fact that since his departure he has figured many times in subsequent ‘write-ups’. His selfless dedication to photography was matched only in his love of wine and the odd Calvados. I remember many years ago, when he shared my house, his room was practically lined with photographic wallets from numerous developers and printers. Surely Tesco’s in Lewes must have upgraded their development equipment on the profits from his deposits. As a NERD he was known for his acumen in wine selection, although it was very personal. Another of his loves was for cats and his own was spoiled to the nth degree and yet he lavished his affection on my three when he stayed with me. His musical talents were manifold. From his piano playing to improvised bodhran he could hold a tune and improvise alternatively from ‘Sleeping Satellite’ to ‘summertime’ to ‘Son of a preacher man’. His plaintive cry of ‘One with me in it’ was a cause célèbre that frequently elicited groans from the assembly but often proved the pinnacle of the ramble’s pictures. His memory is celebrated both by the NERDS and his family and in later years his legacy has been be recorded by his headstone in Seaford Cemetry.

Joining Instructions for June 2011

Hi fellow Nerds,

It does seem a long time since the advenures in the New Forest, doesn't it? I can now share with you the dates for the next 2 rambles - as Froggy is now the only wage-slave leftin the Nerds we have to work around his onerous duties. Anyway, in June we march on Wednesday 8th. This is an old favourite the 4- pub(or is it only 3?) ramble starting at Berwick station. Details, as ever, to follow. In July we go on Wednesday 20th.

Please let me know if you cannot make one or the other.

A final thought - isn't retirement wonderful? And as for the bus pass.....?! Sorry, Froggy!!

Sandyballs