Christmas Ramble 2012

NERDS’ Ramble No. 277 - 14/12/12.

Those Present - Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco, Matt, The Captain, The Bish.

The Washout- Lewes- Christmas- Pubcrawl- Ramble.

Lafayette was having difficulty putting anything down about this “ramble” for two reasons:
1) We didn’t actually ramble very far.
2) Lafayette lost all his notes in the pub.

It’s sad but true that the demon drink can strike at any time and make things turn out not as they should do. Lafayette woke up the next day full of good intentions to get out the write-up a.s.a.p. because he knew that history is only written by the victors. Searching his coat pocket all he found was a load of crackers and shit put there by someone sitting next to him at the table ( I’ll get you for this next time, Matt), but no [legendry] contemporaneous yellow notes. So, struggling to remember what might have happened, Lafayette knew he would just have to make the whole thing up. He had never done this before but now that his back was to the wall Necessity dictated the NERDS’ future.

What might have happened that day.

The phone rang chez Lafayette. It was that Kate Middleton (again). “ Oi! Are you coming out rambling, just you and me, Babe, ‘cos Will’s pissed off darn the pub an’ I’m well cheesed orf, innit?” Lafayette was fed up being chased by posh women; only the other week some Mrs. Pitt had been harassing him, wanting him to take her to some film premier or other. He couldn’t go not only because he hadn’t been to the cash-point but he hadn’t got a dinner jacket and his hair was still wet from showering. All he really wanted to do was have a few drinks in Lewes with his mates with no women (apart from nice, sexy barmaids) - Rule No. 2.

Anyway slamming the phone down in disgust Lafayette legged it out of the house and on to the train. Thank God most of the NERDs were there, some were titting about doing family stuff  but the hardcore were there looking old and grey as usual. Lafayette wondered how many of them were rung up by exotic women trying to lure them away from Christmas rambles, and decided not a lot.

The luck of the NERDS had deserted everyone that day. The rain was sheeting down in sheets, more was forecast and going any distance, even round Lewes would be difficult. A plan B was needed. Better consult Sandyballs whose ramble it was. However Sandyballs when met was in a state of drunken euphoria; he had just won the lottery and bought his No. 1 daughter a new baby from a Romanian gypsy. “ Never mind all this grandad stuff.” said Lafayette. “ What are we going to do about this foul weather?” “ How about we go to a pub?” grinned S.B. ever practical; so that’s what we did.

Lucky it is that the Brewers ( for ‘twas she) opens her doors at 10 00hrs and that S.B. has a certain amount of influence there and they were still selling Bonfire Boy (strong drink for Guy Fawkes Night). S.B. and Laf. had just got settled in front of a couple pints of this when Paco suddenly dropped the bombshell that he had actually booked his sister’s gaff in Spain for the first week in May to celebrate NERDS’ 25th! (B.T. this will be from 7th to 11th May next year, for info). So a committee meeting was convened in the front bar of the Brewers.

“Who shall we invite?” opened Lafayette. “I should like to get that Nelson Mandela and his mate Obama because they won’t be doing much then and they might be able to buy us a drink.” “ No,” countered S.B.  “Let’s get the Pope who can share with Matt and General Franco who can discuss politics with Paco.” “Isn’t he dead ?” asked Froggy. “I thought he got taken out in Pakistan by the Americans.”

Things were falling apart, the Bonfire Boy was wreaking havoc.” maybe we’d better just invite the usual suspects,” said S.B. sadly “ You know what it’s like when anybody new comes.” And so it was that the guest list was drawn up, and surprise, surprise they turned out to be all NERDS. “What shall we do now, then?” said Lafayette. “ I know,” said S.B. “ Lets go to another pub,Yeah!” Drink and Romanian babies had obviously gone to his head.

And so we went off down the road until we came to a very nice looking, new pub which was called The Rite of Spring, and owned by a bloke called Stravinsky who worked for Harveys. Battering our way in (because it wasn’t quite opening time there, were saw a delightful blonde barmaid called Natasha and a lot of rough looking builders who were beating a hasty retreat out the back. This place was certainly a step up from the shitty dive it had been a few weeks back. There were no teenagers, no noisy music, no poncy drinks out of bottles with bits of lime stuck in the neck, just lots of Harvey’s type beer (all the good, old weird ones) and lots of quiet, private, snuggy places where you could do unmentionable things to your companion, depending on who they were, or else just have an uninterrupted drink.

Wow! Good stuff. Natasha said she had got Harvey’s Christmas Ale on so we opted for halves of this. Christmas Ale is even worse than Bonfire Boy and is about 42 per cent proof. They won’t sell it to you in pints just in case you get drunk and lose your notes somewhere. So no chance of that for Lafayette as he was being exceptionally careful to record everything truthfully. After one drink of the aforementioned Christmas Ale S.B. told Lafayette he was in love. Laf got a bit scared, he knew he and S.B. had known each other for forty years, but honestly….” No, not you, you twat,” breathed S.B. drunkenly, The barmaid, Natasha; I think she’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” “ Oh dear,” thought Lafayette. “ Time to move; I don’t want to have to explain this away to anyone.”

Quick march for everyone out of The Rite and through a very wet and sodden Lewes towards lunch at the Dorset. There we found The Captain who had just arrived and was sneaking a quick drink in before the NERDS found him out. The Bish was there too (always around where there’s food) and so we settled down to our Christmas dinner. This turned out to be a good spread and many bottles of Rioja were consumed in practice for going to Spain. Glasses were raised to another organisation called the c***s who usually met in Seaford, and it was decided not to amalgamate with them because of their boring cast list. Sandyballs proudly showed off his medal which he’d got off Usain Bolt for “delivering the Olympics” although the medal didn’t say where to, or to whom. Still it showed that the Home Office still had money to burn on trivia and as ever had their priorities spot on.

After dinner Lafayette looked round in vain for the Dorset cat which he had slung at Sandyballs last month - see Ramble No.276. No sign. Maybe he’d just got the hump and not turned up, or else perhaps he’d been incorporated into the Christmas dinner for trespassing (stranger things have been known). So the hardcore NERDS took themselves off for another drink at The John Harvey where Lafayette was insulted by the (ugly, middle-aged) barmaid who insisted on spelling out for him the fact that Christmas Ale was served with a health warning, and wouldn’t accept he knew this already. (Stupid cow!). Anyway the afternoon drifted on until the NERDS, happy and replete, drifted home themselves.

It had been a good day with lots of rambling and fabulous weather (not). Thanks to all those who participated and to Sandyballs who made the arrangements. At last, thanks to Paco, we’ve got the Spanish trip underway so let’s hope they haven’t made a cock-up over Froggy’s leaving date, or that he decides to get an extension and work on for a few years.

Happy Christmas, All You NERDS.       Lafayette.

Joining Instructions 2012 Christmas Ramble

Dear NERDS,

The much anticipated Christmas Ramble takes place, as you know, on Friday 14th - changed to accommodate Matt's holiday plans. As some kind of recompense, Matt has agreed to show us his allover Carribean tan!

We are dining at The Dorset Inn at the slightly earlier time of 12.30 - some of you have to cross my palm with the £5 deposit on the day. Travel arrangements are as follows: the usual 09.58/ 10.05 from Seaford/ Newhaven Town to Lewes. I will meet you outside the station at about 10.15. The route will be a mostly tarmac walk through the highways and byways of our county town. So no need for heavy boots and thus we will avoid any moans about removing the aforementioned footwear items before entering the hostelry.

Bizarre headgear, badges, outlandish clothing - all are optional. Just bring plenty of money and a sense of fun.

SB