NERDS’ Ramble No 259 - 8th June 2011
Those Present - Sandyballs, Paco, Froggy, Matt,
Lafayette, Dio.
The Floppy Boot Ramble.
It was a pleasant June day; that is to say it wasn’t raining like hell. The NERDS had been instructed to gather at Vick’s on Lewes station to be briefed. Lafayette thought Vick had succumbed to the Philby Poetry prize and gone on to higher things, but apparently not, he had just been having a little rest and was now back serving commuters (and NERDS).
Matt had just returned from (yet another) cruise trying to evade the clutches of randy widows who wanted to get their hands on both his body and his other assets. He said there had been a free bar all over the ship and the fridge had been full of Slovenian pole dancers put there to gratify everyone’s whim. Sounded a bit like TN3 in the old days just as they were introducing women IOs in short skirts. Froggy was suffering from stress and sciatica brought on from (yet again) sitting on the photocopier at work trying to get a good picture of his bum to put in Shirley’s pigeon hole. ‘Nuff said.
Lafayette was still trying to impress on Dio that Brighton people talked funny and that it wasn’t a personal insult when they jabbered at you and you couldn’t understand a word. Dio kept thinking that everything the NERDS did was “very British” and utterly barking mad. Not so far off the truth when you think about it really. Paco was notable for his absence…but more of this later.
After gearing up on coffee and stuff the NERDS took the train to Berwick (Lafayette told Dio it was pronounced “Berrick” not how most Americans might think ie. Burrwick - he’ll get there in the end). On detraining we were greeted by Paco who had driven all the way to Berrick on account of what he had overslept and nearly missed the boat again. (Predictable or what?).
Thanks to Froggy’s great flair for scanning the internet we found the Berrick Arms actually open and willing to dispense beer at
11 00hrs in the morning - for a welcome change - so we all sat outside where it was fast becoming sunny and eagerly imagined having a pint in all the four pubs on this ramble. Ha, ha! how disillusioned were we to become, but circumstances and fate and destiny and somebody’s equipment were to be our downfall that day.
At this point we were informed that our old mate, Bronco had fallen off his horse and had been in hospital for a fortnight waiting for the NERDS to go and see him. Since visiting the sick is one of “the good deeds” wot NERDS do, Lafayette decided to mount an expedition to The Royal Sussex in Brighton the following day and to take Dio along as interpreter. Matt said we could go to Wetherspoons for lunch and perhaps even go to the pictures in the Marina, so we all decided to do that instead and sod Bronco who shouldn’t have been on his horse in the first place.
Then Matt mentioned that it was his 29th birthday the following day and how he’d like to buy us all a drink. We weren’t at all sure about this as we’d got a long way to go and didn’t want to spoil our appetites for lunch. However after a bit of arm twisting and appealing to our sense of decency The NERDS graciously allowed Matt to indulge his little whim but restricted it to a wee half of lemonade as we were all keen to get going.
The route took in a sort of path or cycle route towards The Cricketers, our next port of call. Lafayette remembered that it was up this particular road a couple of years back that Froggy had offered him a swig from his hip flask and introduced him to the delights of Sailor Gerry (that is rum, not what you were thinking). So pondering on these happy nostalgic thoughts Lafayette began to notice that Sandyballs was limping rather and falling more and more behind. The sad excuse for this was apparently that he had a number of small holes in his boots which were slowing him down. ‘More attention seeking’ thought Lafayette and carried on. The NERDS had for years pursued a firm policy of ignoring attention seekers so much so that it had succeeded in driving one into his pretty little grave.
Crossing the A27 near The Cricketers is always good for a laugh and enabled Lafayette to relive his glory days when he took on Usain Bolt in the egg and spoon race 60 yards dash a few years ago. Matt unfortunately had lost his own particular edge of speed and not only got nearly mown down by a big lorry but nearly lost his trendy baseball hat as well. Lafayette bravely risked his life to step back into the lethal road to get it for him
(it was Matt’s birthday the next day, after all and he couldn’t be allowed to appear at his own party improperly dressed.)
And so to lunch at The Cricketers. This was taken inside and was rather expensive. Paco had a flat fish that looked as though it had been caught trying to cross the A27 - all mangled bones and flatness. Lafayette had sausages - for a change, and Dio had nothing. He was saving his strength for his next cigarette. The NERDS agreed that the lunches were not really up to the required standard even though the beer and the barmaids were OK.
Since the weather had now turned into a howling gale Lafayette proposed that we should all take our port and cigars (or whatever) outside and so we jammed all five of us on to one tiny picnic bench and huddled together out of the wind. Matt said he’d been a bit disappointed with the food and since mad cow cucumbers were being avoided that week on the continent he was going to revert to his healthy food option wherever he went
ie. burger and chips.
The conversation ran through the usual tick-box sequence of subjects - Philby’s shortcomings, Lafayette’s bitter experience on the Chartres, how lovely Mike Clarke was, Matt’s cruises (again), how cute baby Flintoff was, Froggy’s hang-ups etc, etc.
Just then Sandyballs really went for the attention seeking prize and said he was tired of life, tired of retirement, tired of the NERDS and proceeded to rip the sole off his manky boot and throw it in the air in frustration.
Lafayette who had done a CIO course on stress management immediately saw they were dealing with something serious, a potential suicidal NERD who had clearly lost his way.
Nothing for it therefore but to shake Sandyballs vigorously and shout at him to get a grip. Sandyballs dissolved in tears and sobbed that he couldn’t stand not being at work, that nobody at home loved him and that he’d never wanted to become a NERD anyway. Seeing that he was inconsolable Lafayette slapped Sandyballs some more and told him he was spoiling the day for everyone and because of his utter selfishness they had no option other than to abandon the ramble and head for home.
Gloom descended. There was talk of confiscating Sandyballs’s lump sum in reprisal but Lafayette hit the wimpering S. B. some more and said he had probably been punished enough by being made to stop work. Sandyballs tearfully agreed and promised to be a good NERD in future and pack in all the stupid attention seeking bollocks.
We drifted home (one of us hopped) until we got back to the ‘Berrick Arms’ which of course was now closed. So we tied Sandyballs to the railway line, stuffed his good boot down his throat and waited for the train to arrive. Rage was too bland a word for what the NERDS were feeling about how that day’s ramble had been utterly spoiled just by some selfish, petty display of wanting to be taken notice of.
On the train Froggy callously said he was really looking forward to his early shift the next day and thus made Sandyballs break down again and start blubbering about how he really missed stamping on and stuff like that.
At Lewes we got out, gave Sandyballs a last kick and then went our separate ways. What a day. Thanks go to all the real NERDS who had put up with Sandyballs’s totally inexcusable and wholly unacceptable behaviour. His position on the committee is now under review.
Please accept the Scribe’s apologies for having to bring you news of these obviously distressing events.
Lafayette.
