The Mystery (ho, ho) Guest Ramble.
Christmas Ramble – 14th December 2007 – No. 220.
Those Present – Froggy, Bronco, BT, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, and Mystery
(tee, hee),guest
Of course, nobody knew who the Mystery Guest was going to be this year. Oh, no, not
bloody ‘arf! It couldn’t have been that Mrs Sandyballs in an unguarded (but sober) moment had blown the gaff to Lafayette Oh, no, no, no, no, perish the thought .It must have been the Christmas fairies whispering in the wind that the Mystery Guest was none other than….. whoops, nearly gave it away; You’ll have to read on…..
Sandyballs kindly picked up most of the Nerds from the station and took them back to his house. Unfortunately the Mystery Guest had elected to ramble with us this year contrary to all tradition, and since BT had been skulking around chez Sandyballs clearly looking for a way to break in and pinch all the silver, he unexpectedly ran into he or she.
Nobody was as surprised as Paco (for twas he) to run slap bang into burglar-nerd out to save a bob or two on this year’s Christmas presents, but introductions were effected – “Hello, I’m Burglar- nerd, and you are?” “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Her Majesty’s
Immigration Officer…No, actually I’m the Mystery Guest.” (down cast look).
Just then the others rolled up and were initiated into the fun. So to cover up for his wife’s awful faux pas, Sandyballs roped us all inside and plied us with alcohol and bikkies in a vain attempt to erase the incident from our memories.Soon we remembered nothing at all and Sandyballs led us outside, round the corner, up the hill and over the Downs in the Direction of Ringmer where we were to feast.
The actual ramble was steep and muddy, and those Nerds who were unfit (like, all of us)
began to suffer from dehydration. No problem, a hip flask stop was called for and so we admired the beauty of the Downs while trying to guess what the hell had been in Lafayette’s hip flask 5 years ago when he had last poured anything into it. Lafayette was rewarded for his generosity by being allowed to wear Froggy’s Teletubbie hat and told his new name was The Grand Imperial Wizard of the Whole World – (no, I lie) –shucks!
So on, on we went; a proper ramble today, not just a stroll along the seafront like last time. Mystery Paco Guest was wearing his fetching straw donkey hat and Sandyballs had
obviously taken a fancy to his daughter’s Rupert Bear Scarf. What would Bronco be wearing when we met him at the pub? Something strapless and showing his midriff we all hoped (not).
Narrowly escaping an outbreak of runaway heifers who had got a bit worried by Lafayette’s hat, we plodded on up hill and down dale. We clawed our way up awful tracks and slid down shitty paths bordered with nasty barbed wire fences. Eventually we got lost in a field until Sandyballs put us on the right path and showed us the way to Salvation – or at least The Green Man.
Yes, there was Bronco, nursing a pint, waiting for us in a corner, sound asleep. It’s a hard life being a Nerd! No little black dress, though. Lafayette was bitterly disappointed, he had been hoping to borrow this for some of the more dodgy Christmas parties he had found on the Internet, now he would have to get that old rubber thing out again – bugger!
We were seated opposite some loonies from the local funny farm (strange juxtaposition)
and prepared to pull our crackers. Matt found he had got a golden condom in his, Froggy got a book on creative writing, Mystery Paco Guest got some exploding cigars, and B.T. got fuck all. Serves him right for trying to raid Sandyball’s Christmas presents. By the way have you finished forging that bus pass wot I lent you last month?
Mystery Paco Guest told an amusing tale about some young nymphet who had served up cannabis cakes to him and Sandyballs on the Control one night ( Shirley in uniform, - I wish ), and Froggy wanted to start a Crossing Club, but whether it was for cross dressers like Lafayette or for cross people like Hungerford wasn’t made clear.
The meal, it has to be said, was not brilliant. The turkey and stuff was OK but SB’s steak was not of the highest quality. Matt, ever the arch complainer, and affronted by the cheap gift in his cracker, insisted that the manager be dragged in off the golf course and made to
face the full wrath of the Nerds. Sandyballs said he had seen better bits of meat in girlies’ knickers and the manager finally repented and gave him a reduction in the bill. Thank goodness for Matt and his golden condom.
Time was getting on now; Mystery Paco Guest had to flee back to Seaford to prepare the retirement speech for his party last month and the rest of us wanted a proper drink. Bronco led us out to The Anchor where everyone greeted him, slapped him on the back and showered him with kisses. Bob doesn’t do this in The Engineer which is our local ;
It’s a more manly pub, you see. Sandyballs promptly fell asleep and had his picture taken chewing a beer mat, and BT celebrated Honike (Hanukkah…ed) by trying to circumcise Matt with his big penknife.
Suddenly we all found ourselves outside trying to get on a bus and pretending we were sober…..ish. It was at this point that Froggy’s magnanimous spirit manifested itself . He had seen how much Lafayette had enjoyed looking a dickhead in the Tinky Winky hat
(see photos) and generously said he could keep it for ever. Lafayette was touched, he even offered to take Froggy on the bus with his free pass as the illegitimate dependant of an Old Fart. But friendship can only go so far and Froggy insisted on paying his own fare.
And so another year of excitement ended. Thanks to Sandyballs for the organization, thanks to Froggy for the hat, thanks to Mrs. Sandyballs for spilling the beans and thanks to all the Nerds for being such wonderful, wonderful people; especially the Mystery Guest.
Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.
Lafayette.
P.S. You don’t actually believe all this rubbish, do you? Well do you? God, I despair!
Friday, December 14, 2007
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