January2000 - Lafayette's Birthday Raamble

LOS NIERDOS PARA SIEMPRE



Ramble Number 128 4th January 2000

Those Present: Lafayette, Sandyballs, Philby, B.T.

Lafayette’s Birthday Ramble.

Today was yet another milestone in Lafayette’s nerding career. It was his birthday. Another year towards retirement (Hooray!). Another year nearer death (boo); another year to be spent wandering around in circles getting drunk and visiting interesting parts of the Sussex/French/Belgian/Shropshire countryside (we all hope).

Los Nierdos hardcoros (apart from the Perfect Nerd) all came round to Lafayette’s bearing cards and surprise presents. B.T. had brought a useful compass so that Lafayette could get lost by himself while Sandyballs was away in Afghanistan or whatever…. (Thanks B.T.). Philby had chosen a “Shopper’s Guide To Gentleman’s Foibles” – A book of men’s clothing. He had obviously got worried at that photograph of Lafayette wearing a sexy frock at an embassy party long ago. (Thanks Philby), and Sandyballs had brought a card and his good wishes (mean bastard).

Anyway, after a lot of singing, drinking and chucking Lafayette up in the air in a blanket (you know the sort of thing) [public school high jinks], everyone started that day’s ramble by going around to the local newspaper shop to retrieve Lafayette’s photos of the Amazing Millenium Pissup at Sandyball’s Place. These had turned out quite well and showed, as you might expect, lots of images of drunken abandon, people throwing things about, dancing with other people’s wives, pining because they hadn’t been allowed to wear their favourite frock etc. Lafayette considered ringing up The News of the World to offer all these games to their readers but decided that it might not benefit his immigration career after all, so instead sent copies to Mrs Sandyballs to that she could decorate her bedroom walls with them.

The celebrations continued. The NERDS made their way along the river at the back of Lafayette’s house (The Mighty Ouse) towards Rodmell and the Abergavenny Arms. It was a pleasant day, as befitted such an important event; sunny but wettish, with a lot of mud. Some young girls out walking their dog on the opposite river bank, recognised the charismatic birthday celebrant and began tearing off their knickers to write their phone numbers on and throw them over the river into his path. Lafayette was not impressed; he left all this sort of unwanted adulation to his Quasimodo like servant to deal with. (Philby always got the best perks).

At last we reached The Abergavenny Arms where the least successful pun fire in all history was trying to throttle itself. We huddled around the ashes and froze until dinner was served, and then Philby spotted some female rep who was visiting the pub and who, he was convinced, was going to fall entranced at his feet as soon as he started whispering sweet, seductive Italian phrases into her ear. OK, so she was amused for about 5 minutes when Lafayette and he started to discuss Manchester United’s latest chances in the cup in fluent Tuscan, but then Lafayette got bored at having to pimp yet again for his fellow Nerd, and wandered off to get his pudding,

After this exciting interlude the Nerds wandered off at speed to Southease where the –going-on-a-train-to-Lewes bit of the ramble was to take place. Lafayette had to pay his fare on arrival to a stone faced official at the gate who refused to accept that he ought to travel free that day because it was his birthday. Lafayette even tried the “Don’t you know that I’m Her Majesty’s Chief etc etc, argument. But to no avail. What an intellectually challenged bureaucratic moron!

After losing Philby for a while at the station, we walked past the pottery shop where Mrs Lafayette has a sexy friend that (guess what) Philby fancies. Brief stop was called for while Philby covered said potting friend with kisses until, for the sake of propriety, Lafayette pulled him off and kicked him up the road.

Next stop was The John Harvey where we saw Julian of Andy and Rupert fame (the third brother), and thereafter to The Gardeners Arms where we had porky scratchings for tea and admired B.T’s. new French knife. Sandyballs was feeling hungry after all this excitement, so he had two (yes two) bags of chips and we all proceeded to The Snowdrop where we all drank cappuccinos and Irish whiskey and practised speaking Italian to anybody Irish we could find.

Finally, at Lafayette’s request the evening meal was taken, not in Tortellinis (where you can actually practice your Italian on real Italian people, but where it gets a bit noisy if you happen to let slip that it’s your birthday), but in a restaurant called Ask where they let you come in and sit down wearing your boots. We were joined here by Barbara who had come to thank Lafayette for redecorating her bedroom walls with millennium pornography. She said the photos would remind her forever of what Sandyballs was missing while he was out slumming it in Afghanistan or whatever…….

Notes hazily record a final pub visit to The Royal Oak where we bumped into Rupert (of Andy, Rupert and Julian fame) and his Canadian friend Annette, (Big Helen’s little sister). Andy bought us all a load of brandies and then most of the Nerds crawled off to crash chez Sandyballs……fadeout.



Well, it was a good birthday ramble, even if most of it took place around the watering holes of Lewes. Lafayette would like to thank all the NERDS and Barbara for their participation, and for making it a most enjoyable day. Hope you all managed to get home.