The January 2011 Ramble

THE NERDS’ Ramble No. 254 5/1/11.

Those Present - Lafayette, Dio, Sandyballs, Froggy, Paco, Matt.

The New Drink Ramble.

Meet up at Lavender Lodge; That’s what Froggy and Matt did and were immediately purloined by Dangerous Dave, Lafayette’s cockney next door neighbour, who wanted a couple of lookouts to make sure his latest consignment of cocaine could be shifted into his house without any undue interference from The Law. F. and M. duly obliged and were rewarded by Dave’s promise that “he’d see them right when he’d got rid of the gear, like.”

Impressed by the exciting air of lawlessness in Lafayette’s road Froggy and Matt burst into No.12 and demanded tea and fairy cakes. Sighing, Lafayette put down the guns he had been cleaning, (You can never be too prepared with Dangerous Dave as a neighbour) and went to put the kettle on.

Matt was lured into a side room by Mrs Lafayette (both Catholics, you see) and given a brilliant demonstration of Mrs L’s new Christmas I-pad. Matt was most impressed, especially when told that you could actually rewrite history on it so that Sandyballs had become a practising Catholic and the Pope would come over each year to switch on the lights at Lewes Bonfire Night. Lafayette thought he might borrow it to do NERDS’ write-ups on; then the real truth would out and he wouldn’t have to whitewash all the bad things the NERDS really got up to on rambles.

Shortly afterwards they were all joined by Dio, all tooled up for action (leather coat, semi-automatic, Matrix gear etc.) and Sandyballs who had fled his own house where the plague had taken hold and, being a Catholic, and one of God’s anointed, he had managed to escape with just a caution. Matt too had been blessed since God had visited him in a dream and told him that his lack of prostate guaranteed he would not be stricken down by the winter vomiting plague ( - unless, of course, he drank too much on rambles).

There was news that The Bish had slithered up to one of the NERDS and whispered in his ear that he would like to return his eggshell-like personality to the fold. So we all started thinking up what sort of vile forfeits we might impose to humiliate and make him feel wretched for abandoning us to join that boring bunch of nonentities in Seaford who go to pubs and talk about pensions (not like us, oh no, no no…).

Anyway, to the ramble. Lafayette led the NERDS down through sunny (for once) Newhaven, past chez Bob and onward towards where Lafayette had spent the best part of his career incarcerating Algerians and beating the truth out of them in his rabid ambition to get promoted and get out of the place. But just at that moment there was a loud huffing and puffing behind us and we were joined by a disheveled Paco who had overslept and grown a Philby-type beard while he had lain in bed. “ Buenas dias,” he said and then went into some long explanation as to why he had missed the start even by bringing his car over and parking it outside The Engineer. (Good move that, parking your car outside a pub, think about it, Paco).

And so we went over the railway footbridge, past the Algerian killing fields, along the windswept shore towards TideMills, that ruined, long abandoned village where the ghosts of shipwrecked asylum seekers flit about at night longing to return to their native lands but unable to do so because they’re dead.

Of course, we had to meet someone we knew. No, not a ghostly asylum seeker but Keith from the Shore Gang (Who?) walking his dog. The dog was called Bandido on account of the neckerchief he wore round his er.. neck. He seemed very friendly for a ravening wolfhound type Labrador and spent a lot of the time licking Lafayette’s hand
(He must have been able to smell the power….. not the money).

On, on back over The Wetlands (exciting, isn’t it?) until The NERDS arrived at the Flying Fish in Denton and settled themselves down in front of the roaring fire with a first pint. Matt said the Captain wasn’t with us that day because he’d slipped up to the sales at his favourite shop, Austin Reed, to buy a cheap pair of monogrammed pyjamas and yet another cravat with anchors on it. Froggy reckoned he’d gone off to try and ingratiate himself into Cameron’s Cabinet but thought he was bound to fail because he hadn’t been to public school… like Sandy balls had. (NB. Working class people aren’t supposed to go to Public school and fag for the likes of John Rickard).

Anyway, the food at the Flying Fish was excellent and Paco fell in love with the barmaid who (thank God) was a woman of a certain age. We don’t want him taking over where Philby left off, thank you. Froggy told us he was going to walk along Hadrian’s Wall when he retired but it was pointed out he didn’t know any Latin and knew no Romans and was likely to be picked up and incarcerated for being a stroppy Celt if he did so. This didn’t seem to put him off, however.

The next part of that day’s grand adventure led us in the pissing rain to chez Bob, the most In Place in Newhaven to be seen in. This shady club is where you get locked up (or is it “in”) and forced to drink lots of alcohol at unearthly hours, and where if you’re extra special and drink an awful lot, you might end up joining the Engineer Over Sixties Biker Gang. Matrix Man looked interested in this but unfortunately was disqualified on two counts. (Three, if you count his fiancée, Lafayette’s daughter, turning up and threatening him with death if he even considered it).

Big Bob had put on one of his spreads of cheese for the NERDS and refused to accept a penny as usual. Instead his lovely barmaid, Amy, told us that she and Bob had invented a new drink which they wanted to try out on the NERDS. This turned out to be a bottle of Crabbies alcoholic ginger beer together with a double shot of rum (to give it some flavour). Lafayette drank this, pronounced it good and named it “Delice Ingenieur” or for the uneducated, an “Engineer Slammer”. (Thank God Lafayette has been weaned off his sweet tipple “Malibu and Pineapple, Ed.) Since we hadn’t got any money left after today’s depredations we escaped being locked in and slammered to death by running away.

Many thanks to Bob for his hospitality and cheese board, and to Amy for introducing us to a new experience - that girl will go far! See you all soon. Love from Lafayette.

Sandyballs's Message - Future dates

I hope all you Nerds enjoyed yesterday's festivities. Good lunch and the after lunch cheese - thanks to Bob - was very welcome. Oh, the ramble was OK as well!
 
Anyways, to confirm the ramble dates for the next 2 months. February we go on Wednesday 9th. In March we go on THURSDAY 17th - St. Paddy's day. The lunchtime location will be crucial for the latter eveny. Anybody got any suggestions?
 
Sandy

Future Events?

Dear fellow Nerds,

I am now back in the world of electronic messaging ( have a new computer). Does anyone have any thoughts about a date for the Feb Ramble and, while we are at it, the March one aswell? The Cords secretary may well be planning a cruise along one of the few remaining European riverways he has yet to visit. After the end of March myself and Froggy may experience difficulty in putting in duty requests - however we may well be retired by then so it will not matter !

I hope you all had an agreeable Christmas and New Year and are, like me, determined to live the rest of your lives without the curse of alcohol!

Sandy B

Happy New Year to All Our Readers

Next ramble is on Wed. 5th Jan.   Meet at Lafayette's house at 10 30hrs.

After the usual early morning breakfast festivities we shall proceed in the direction of a well known former border outpost of the British Empire (where Men were Men and the word "Immigration" meant something), then over Tidemills and back to Denton where we will take lunch at The Happy Fish (joined there by Matt who has a man in that morning - nuff said) and thereafter we shall take digestifs at Chez Bob, the trendiest bistro in town.

Don't bother bringing any gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for my birthday the day before on account of what I have lots already.

See you on Wednesday.

Lafayette