N.E.R.D.S. RAMBLE No 218 22nd August 2007
Those Present – Froggy, Lafayette, B.T., Muscles Matt, Bronco, Cuddles Crowe,
Dumpling Dwyer.
It had been a dark and stormy night and it was a cold and stormy morning - in August!
The NERDS plus 2 high-ranking and influential, personal friends of Lafayette set off under the guidance of Froggy in the direction of Pevensey’n Westham hoping that they would not be swept away by hurricane Engelberta which was being predicted for the South East region.
Arriving at Westham, Froggy and Matt (or Moggy and Fratt, as I almost wrote) were still bickering about who had been at the wrong end of Sheep Shit Lane where they had been supposed to meet. However, the spat fizzled out and the Boy began to get his act together to lead us all into oblivion. Apparently, Froggy had been in touch with certain Aliens who had beamed him satellite pictures of the route of the proposed ramble. Matt was a bit uncomfortable at the thought that this new, advanced technology might be able to see inside his bedroom when he was amusing himself of an evening, but Froggy assured him that the Aliens were concerned only with himself and had no interest in any other life forms. (They are also in the publishing business, so things are looking up for Froggy).
The first part of the ramble took us over fields liberally sprinkled with cow shit (irritable cow syndrome) and we correctly deduced that cows had recently been there in a strop. We had to scamper across a very dangerous A27 and considered the possibility of making a sedan chair out of branches for Bronco but he managed to get across in the end.
We crossed a river, then more fields, and had a photo opportunity for Lafayette and his influential friends to reminisce about pigs and hunting and stuff long ago in distant lands.
The fact that Cuddles had in fact run a wild pig over once in a fit of pi(g)que was hastily glossed over.
Dumpling made a polite enquiry about how the new uniform regime was catching on with the Home Office, and was given the venomous reply that both nail varnish and musical socks had been banned as had any exotic or misplaced tattoos (Mercy mercy!). Surely this is an infringement of human rights, I feel an industrial tribunal coming on.
Dumpling was shortly afterwards bitten by a malarial bramble and began to bleed to death so we thought we should proceed post haste before he needed the kiss of life.
We proceeded through a farm where the farmer was chopping up bodies, on past an Al Quaeeda look out post manned by an Arab who couldn’t even spell his own name (Osma), and on to a friendly looking farm shop and piggery where the superbly fit and corn fed looking farmer’s wife served us with luscious sausage rolls – a sort of appetizer before lunch. Lafayette caught Cuddles with a homicidal gleam in his eye eying up one of the penned up porkers, but managed to steer him away from the nearest land rover before any harm could be done.
Eventually, we arrived at the Royal Oak and Castle Inn at Pevensey where we had quite a good meal and where Matt began practicing his seduction skills on the barmaid by asking her if she was brown all over or just on the bits he could see. (Good job she was english otherwise there might have been another industrial tribunal). Poor old Matt then got accused by two people of farting in the Gents – much to the amusement of the guy in trap 2 who had been hoping to have a silent and private dump.
And so we proceeded through Pevensey castle to the heron Pub a bit further up the road
where Lafayette and B.T. played each other at bagatelle, skittles and darts, and where the others indulged in intellectual conversation. Finally we all ended up in the Landsdowne Arms in Lewes moaning about the weather and telling awful jokes.
Apart from hurricane Engelberta it had been a good ramble thanks to Froggy once again. It had enabled Lafayette to further his career by brown -nosing his influential friends, so maybe a part time job as a sweeper at Terminal 5 really is on the cards!
Next ramble is the one where nobody can make it in Shropshire so Lafayette will take B.T. up there for three days of drinking, shooting and debauchery. Weep all you others!
Lafayette.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Catching -up
N.E.R.D.S. Ramble No 217. 18th July 2007.
Those Present – Froggy, Bronco, B.T., Lafayette.
The Day at the Golden Galleon Ramble.
It was sunny and very hot. Those above went to Froggy’s and lay around in his pristine conservatory drinking coffee and Irish whiskey. Bronco hadn’t brought any of his old watches as gifts this time (disappointment) so we admired Froggy’s posh garden and trampoline for a while and then bestirred ourselves to get rambling.
Froggy took us through the highways and secret passages of Seaford down towards the golf course and then left past a farm where there was a cow sale going on.We didn’t have enough money, even in the whip, to buy one and couldn’t quite work out what we’d do with one if we got it anyway, so we had to content ourselves with just getting cow shit all over our boots instead.
Next we met a woman with a boisterous dog and a very wet tennis ball – eugh, dog spit!
And decided we were all conformed cat people instead. At least they just shit in your garden and don’t demand walks or tennis balls etc. So we hurried on to the Golden Galleon to get there quick before the Old Trouts did. We arrived at about ten past twelve and already they were pouring in gnashing their toothless gums and dithering in that charming way they do.
We got a good seat in the garden and found to our delight that the waitresses were (mostly) young and nubile and English (!) One even had red hair (Sandy balls to note).
The meal wasn’t bad and we settled back to hear the latest saga in Froggy’s literary pretensions – “Oceans I have pissed in” Bet this sells a lot of copies! Puts you off going swimming in the sea, doesn’t it ?
Just then the pleasant ginger haired waitress managed to fall into a bush right next to us,
(probably star-struck by Froggy’s literary presence) and enabled B.T. to get out his Laguiole knife and cut her free – what a fairy tale, good job she didn’t kiss him, he might have turned into a frog!
So we sat there basking in the sun for about 5 hours until we decided we should head inland to the Wellington for a change of beer. Along the way there was almost a dispute about whether we should be having a fish supper at a seaside town or not, but we gathered up the toys and put them back in the pram and carried on to the next pub.
There we met Mrs B.T.who had come along to make sure her husband wasn’t trying to rescue any barmaids or anything, and had a few more sunny drinks inside until we all trickled back home as the evening wore on.
Thanks to Froggy for his ramble and pre ramble entertainment. The lad is in charge next month as well, so we might be going further inland this time to try to escape from all the Old Trouts who seem to be following us around waving their bus passes. Lafayette and Matt to note. It’s Bronco’s birthday soon so maybe he’ll organise an entertaining night shift with a Chinese meal and some female company –who knows!
Lafayette.
Those Present – Froggy, Bronco, B.T., Lafayette.
The Day at the Golden Galleon Ramble.
It was sunny and very hot. Those above went to Froggy’s and lay around in his pristine conservatory drinking coffee and Irish whiskey. Bronco hadn’t brought any of his old watches as gifts this time (disappointment) so we admired Froggy’s posh garden and trampoline for a while and then bestirred ourselves to get rambling.
Froggy took us through the highways and secret passages of Seaford down towards the golf course and then left past a farm where there was a cow sale going on.We didn’t have enough money, even in the whip, to buy one and couldn’t quite work out what we’d do with one if we got it anyway, so we had to content ourselves with just getting cow shit all over our boots instead.
Next we met a woman with a boisterous dog and a very wet tennis ball – eugh, dog spit!
And decided we were all conformed cat people instead. At least they just shit in your garden and don’t demand walks or tennis balls etc. So we hurried on to the Golden Galleon to get there quick before the Old Trouts did. We arrived at about ten past twelve and already they were pouring in gnashing their toothless gums and dithering in that charming way they do.
We got a good seat in the garden and found to our delight that the waitresses were (mostly) young and nubile and English (!) One even had red hair (Sandy balls to note).
The meal wasn’t bad and we settled back to hear the latest saga in Froggy’s literary pretensions – “Oceans I have pissed in” Bet this sells a lot of copies! Puts you off going swimming in the sea, doesn’t it ?
Just then the pleasant ginger haired waitress managed to fall into a bush right next to us,
(probably star-struck by Froggy’s literary presence) and enabled B.T. to get out his Laguiole knife and cut her free – what a fairy tale, good job she didn’t kiss him, he might have turned into a frog!
So we sat there basking in the sun for about 5 hours until we decided we should head inland to the Wellington for a change of beer. Along the way there was almost a dispute about whether we should be having a fish supper at a seaside town or not, but we gathered up the toys and put them back in the pram and carried on to the next pub.
There we met Mrs B.T.who had come along to make sure her husband wasn’t trying to rescue any barmaids or anything, and had a few more sunny drinks inside until we all trickled back home as the evening wore on.
Thanks to Froggy for his ramble and pre ramble entertainment. The lad is in charge next month as well, so we might be going further inland this time to try to escape from all the Old Trouts who seem to be following us around waving their bus passes. Lafayette and Matt to note. It’s Bronco’s birthday soon so maybe he’ll organise an entertaining night shift with a Chinese meal and some female company –who knows!
Lafayette.
Lafayette's contribution better late than never!
N.E.R.D.S. Ramble No. 216 – 7th June 2007.
Those Present – Muscles Matt, Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs, B.T., Bronco.
The Over The Cliffs Ramble.
Everyone met chez Lafayette for pre ramble drinkies and B.T. showed us his pictures of the last Nerdlings picnic (15 years ago). Since the Nerdlings were all about 30 now and were scattered throughout the universe, this was a bit of ramble nostalgia for us all. Everyone commented on how dark Philby’s beard was back then and how nice he looked in his trendy Basque beret. Sadly, the beret got lost , Philby got lost and all the Nerdlings are probably grandmothers by now.
The meeting continued with Sandyballs texting his dentist because of an outbreak of toothache and an agreement by the NERDS G6 summit that the next anniversary extravaganza would be held in Ireland during June 2008. (This must be to celebrate 20 years of drunkenness, excess, quarrelling and moderate exercise – bit like the average marriage, if you ask me ).
Having come to some agreement about something we all set off along the top of Newhaven cliffs in the direction of Peacehaven towards the Badgers’ Watch (pub).
It was a 2 hour walk and although the sea views were magnificent the weather was overcast and we got a bit strung out ( some of us being either older or not as fit as the rest).
Eventually we reached our lunch destination whereupon Sandyballs produced some free beer vouchers obtained by Mrs Sandyballs in Cliffe Precinct as a promotion. We couldn’t believe our luck when these were honoured – imagine , free beer! Unfortunately there was only a limited number of vouchers so the later excess had to be paid for. The food wasn’t so good, however. Matt complained about the sticky quality of his salad sauce, or something, and Bronco had a bad steak. At least we got free desserts as compensation. All in all we scored 8 free pints of beer and gratis puddings, so not too bad.
Froggy told us he was officially fat but normal (!) whatever he meant by that, and then went on to propose a Giant Google Book of Ramble Write Ups with photos to go global. Lafayette started to get a bit miffed that his own great literary talents were being held up to ridicule here and went into a simmering strop. The general consensus was that we wanted the NERDS to remain unstructured and existential.
Sandyballs decided he wanted to be alone to pursue his own form of exercise and (allegedly) began the long, solitary walk back while the rest of us just sat and drank more (at our own expense). Lafayette led everyone to the bus-stop to practise being a pensioner with his free bus pass, and next to the bus stop we saw a van parked with a woman inside giving a dog a bath (sic). Froggy thought it was a mobile brothel and wanted to join in, but it was just one of those superfluous small businesses that people with more money than sense employ to pamper their pets. (Perhaps we could all club together and give Philby a bath and makeover).
So we all had a pleasant bus ride back to The Ship in Newhaven where we eventually were joined by Sandyballs who complained about unauthorised use of the whip in his absence and grumpily bought his own beer. Did he expect us to go thirsty while he went off on a spurious training exercise? I don’t think so!
Another ramble completed then. Next month Sandyballs goes to Frankfurt to stop the Chinese invading Europe, and the rest of us will be under the masterful domination of Froggy. So prepare for regime change yet again.
Hasta la proxima vez,
Lafayette.
Those Present – Muscles Matt, Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs, B.T., Bronco.
The Over The Cliffs Ramble.
Everyone met chez Lafayette for pre ramble drinkies and B.T. showed us his pictures of the last Nerdlings picnic (15 years ago). Since the Nerdlings were all about 30 now and were scattered throughout the universe, this was a bit of ramble nostalgia for us all. Everyone commented on how dark Philby’s beard was back then and how nice he looked in his trendy Basque beret. Sadly, the beret got lost , Philby got lost and all the Nerdlings are probably grandmothers by now.
The meeting continued with Sandyballs texting his dentist because of an outbreak of toothache and an agreement by the NERDS G6 summit that the next anniversary extravaganza would be held in Ireland during June 2008. (This must be to celebrate 20 years of drunkenness, excess, quarrelling and moderate exercise – bit like the average marriage, if you ask me ).
Having come to some agreement about something we all set off along the top of Newhaven cliffs in the direction of Peacehaven towards the Badgers’ Watch (pub).
It was a 2 hour walk and although the sea views were magnificent the weather was overcast and we got a bit strung out ( some of us being either older or not as fit as the rest).
Eventually we reached our lunch destination whereupon Sandyballs produced some free beer vouchers obtained by Mrs Sandyballs in Cliffe Precinct as a promotion. We couldn’t believe our luck when these were honoured – imagine , free beer! Unfortunately there was only a limited number of vouchers so the later excess had to be paid for. The food wasn’t so good, however. Matt complained about the sticky quality of his salad sauce, or something, and Bronco had a bad steak. At least we got free desserts as compensation. All in all we scored 8 free pints of beer and gratis puddings, so not too bad.
Froggy told us he was officially fat but normal (!) whatever he meant by that, and then went on to propose a Giant Google Book of Ramble Write Ups with photos to go global. Lafayette started to get a bit miffed that his own great literary talents were being held up to ridicule here and went into a simmering strop. The general consensus was that we wanted the NERDS to remain unstructured and existential.
Sandyballs decided he wanted to be alone to pursue his own form of exercise and (allegedly) began the long, solitary walk back while the rest of us just sat and drank more (at our own expense). Lafayette led everyone to the bus-stop to practise being a pensioner with his free bus pass, and next to the bus stop we saw a van parked with a woman inside giving a dog a bath (sic). Froggy thought it was a mobile brothel and wanted to join in, but it was just one of those superfluous small businesses that people with more money than sense employ to pamper their pets. (Perhaps we could all club together and give Philby a bath and makeover).
So we all had a pleasant bus ride back to The Ship in Newhaven where we eventually were joined by Sandyballs who complained about unauthorised use of the whip in his absence and grumpily bought his own beer. Did he expect us to go thirsty while he went off on a spurious training exercise? I don’t think so!
Another ramble completed then. Next month Sandyballs goes to Frankfurt to stop the Chinese invading Europe, and the rest of us will be under the masterful domination of Froggy. So prepare for regime change yet again.
Hasta la proxima vez,
Lafayette.
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