January 2011 Ramble - Joining Instructions

Dear NERDS,

The next ramble will take place on Wednesday 5th January, meeting at 10 30 hrs approx chez Lafayette.

Happy Christmas to you all

Lafayette.

The 2010 Christmas Ramble

THE NERDS Ramble no. 252 7/12/10.


Those Present - Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, B.T, El Paco, The Captain, Matt , Mystery Guest.

Christmas Ramble 2010 - Unseen Lewes.

This is traditionally the time of year when NERDS come out of their hidey-holes, shake their blurry heads and gather together to celebrate what they do best - like eating, drinking, slagging each other off, quarrelling, and giving thanks to the
Baby Jesus for all the good weather he blessed the year’s rambles with. Oh, and to ponder who The Mystery Guest might be and whether she (or even he) is likely to be wearing suspenders under that sexy, revealing frock.


There was a good turnout this year with everyone managing to get up in time and get on the same train. 3 from Seaford, 3 from Newhaven all got to Lewes where they had been summoned by Grand Imperial Wizard, Sandyballs, currently the longest serving crossing officer at Newhaven Borderbollocks. The weather was brightish and cold but that day’s route had already been reconnaissanced by S.B. and Lafayette, the famous Pirate Spotter and other Crossing Officer to whom Bad Things Often Happened at Sea (albeit a long time ago).

The Route led past the station and through Lewes Priory grounds where The Captain had once received an expensive education (His father had wanted him to become a monk but the lure of the sea had overcome such lowly ambitions). The Priory Gardens had been gentrified and were now open to the public. The NERDS were treated to nuns reading the notices which themselves revealed how the monks went to the lavvy together in a chummily social way while discussing the higher tenets of Jansenist religion. Matt, Our Eminence Grise, reckoned they were all seeking ways to evade the predestined Fires of Hell which beckoned to those who practised chastity and other unnatural sexual practices. Lafayette reckoned they were just having a good crap and bitching about each other (plus ca change……….).

It was at this point that Lafayette found a frozen pair of teddy bear ear muffs lying on the snowy ground, and appropriated them to wear as his Christmas head gear. On return chez lui his younger daughter had kicked up a stink at this larceny, claiming that he had probably infringed the human rights of some poor little girl who was now squawking her head off at her mother insisting she replace the muffs with a pony to compensate. Lafayette didn’t care; he at least had warm ears and was too old for a pony. (Maybe a BMW like the Captain’s)

Next the route wound through the Grange Gardens, scene of a number of B. T.’s famous marriages (triumph of hope over experience again) and a pleasant spot nonetheless, and on to Lewes cemetery where ghosts floated behind mouldy gravestones and seagulls were busy tearing the flesh off newly interred corpses.
On, on the NERDS hurried in the desperate search for drink to quell these frightening visions until they ended up at a famous Lewes pub, The Brewer’s Droop which fortunately was owned by a relative of Sandyballs, and had the unique quality of opening at 10. 00hrs in the morning to accommodate the requirements of thirsty NERDS.

Here the bourgeois amongst us (Captain, El Paco) pampered themselves with café cognacs and the hoi poloi (everyone else) whacked into the Harveys. Sandyballs and Froggy had been specially selected by Borderbollocks to go over the Channel to give a presentation to Frenchbollocks about how to keep out filthy foreigners. Those who were Old Hands scoffed at this saying the solution was easy; anyone who had a green passport was a foreigner and deserved to be knocked off. Those from North Africa were questioned closely by Matt with his system of flip card questions eg.“Where do you shop for that lovely leather jacket?” and “Have you got a steady boy friend? “and were then handed over to Lafayette whose French was marginally better, to be refused entry properly according to The Law.

A second drink in The Brewers seemed appropriate so topics discussed were Froggy’s retirement scheme(again) and why it should be a good idea to have the next Christmas special at The Bulldog Pub in Brighton (see last month’s write-up to see the compelling reasons why not!). And so we finally departed the cosy Brewers atmosphere to walk down the sun-laden streets of Lewes to The Snowdrop where the Christmas Extravaganza was to be held.

Actually, now Lafayette pondered it, there seemed to be no particular compelling reasons for shunning the Bulldog next year. I mean, The Snowdrop was clearly twinned with The Bulldog and in fact was even more outrageously camp being run as it was by a couple of punk strangey types who fortunately had a good cook on the premises. We all sat down on the hard benches at the hard tables. Fortunately, the table decorations were superb - crackers wine glasses, tablecloth- and we then began to guess the identity of The Mystery Guest. Froggy reckoned it was Philby so began ordering lots of red wine. Matt reckoned it was Troy so began making his pitch for having refused the most Algerians in the year. Lafayette reckoned it was Shirley because she liked a drink and sometimes wore a frock; and B.T. reckoned it was Angelina Jolie because he was a fantasist and was due for a new wife.

In the end we heard the sound of hooves clattering to a halt outside and the neighing of a fiery steed . “Good God “ exclaimed Lafayette, “It’s The Lone Ranger!” but it was only Bronco who came in and beamed at everybody in a sort of Bronco-like way.
He was very welcome; we hadn’t seen him for ages and we had been wondering suspiciously if he had succumbed to the lure of a “package” and had ridden off into the sunset. But no, it was the same old Bronco with his bumbling gait and his lascivious jokes.

The lunch was absolutely magnificent including lots of mulled wine, venison, Christmas pud, mincey pies and tons of wine and brandy. The Punkyfellahs had really done us proud; Long live The Snowdrop! But of course, fired up with alcohol the quarrelling began…. Sandyballs made some comment about B.T. living in the lap of luxury in the South of France; and B.T. replied tartly that at least he didn’t live North of the Ouse in a sink estate like Sandyballs.(So there!) Matt suggested joining up for an evening with our favourite sister organisation, the cords, but this was stamped on because all they talked about was work and their pensions and who Steve and Tina were swinging with this week (allegedly according to Wikileak). Froggy said he had plans to go daughter swapping with some friends of his but the rest of us strongly suspected his true motives. Paco was still in love with Susan Boyle because his skeleton wasn’t keeping him warm in bed any more; and Matt was in love with Liberace because of the way he tickled everybody’s ivories. La Grande Querelle came with the parting up of the bill, of course, since everybody reckoned they’d been charged for drinking alcohol and none of them had (yeah….).

Anyway somehow we settled up and set off back to our respective homes; B.T. to drink all Lafayette’s calva and Paco back to snuggle up to his skeleton. The food had been excellent and it had been nice to see Bronco again. Thanks be to Sandyballs for his interesting routing and to Froggy for the photos which showed us all getting older.
We never did see Troy or Philby - guess they just couldn’t make it (Sigh)


Happy Christmas, you NERDS.


Lafayette.

The NERDS Christmas 2010 Ramble

The December, Christmas Ramble 2010

The chosen hostelry for this event is the Snowdrop Inn. As we are visiting the abode on the 7th December this year we hope that there is no likelihood of a repeat occurrence of the event on the 27th December 1836.

That was when the greatest avalanche in Great Britain occurred.

Here are the Joining Instructions from Sandyballs:-

Don't forget that this event is on TUESDAY 7/12. The usual 09.58 from Seaford Central and I will meet you all at Lewes for a bit of a mystery tour. Matt has a secret assignation in the morning so wil not be walking with us but will meet us at the Snowdrop.

Let us hope the elements are kind to us. The Mystery Guest has purchased a slinky new frock for the occasion!

SandyB.