N.E.R.D.S. 20TH ANNIVERSARY RAMBLE
Dublin 23rd – 26th June 2008
Those Present – Sandyballs, Froggy, Lafayette, Matt.
About two decades ago three pissheads decided to combine the pleasures of binge rambling in the countryside and drinking (I may have got this slightly wrong ). And so it was that Sandyballs, Matt and Lafayette founded the Newhaven Rambling and Drinking Society and set the world alight. They were duly joined by various other pissheads with like minded interests – notably Philby, B.T., Bronco, the Bish etc and occasional glamorous (except Paco and Trevor) Mystery Guests for the Christmas celebrations. Mystery Guests were not actually expected to ramble as such, just to roll up, wear a nice frock and look sexy ( except of course Paco and Trevor).
So now the NERDS were celebrating 20 years of liver damage by returning to Dublin where we had been before but which Lafayette had previously neglected to record being too busy writing PADRs at Gatwick at the time.
Day 1.
We were a little short of members for this trip. One was broke, one was ill, and one was dead (Requiescat in Pace). So the three founder members and Froggy took off for Gatwick and a huge breakfast in Wetherspoons while Ryan Air did its usual trick of delaying and forcing everyone to get well oiled in the airport bar. Eventually, however we made it to Ireland and the Arlington Hotel in Dublin.
Now the Arlington is a vast hotel with many winding corridors and places to get lost in –so naturally we got lost trying to go from our rooms to the bar. We finally emerged from some emergency exit round the side and ran slap into a load of Chinese servants hanging about gambling, smoking opium and generally practicing to be Snakeheads. They cheerfully directed us back to the bar where we had our first pint of Irish Guinness (ugh!) and then we decided to hit the town.
Dublin is a delightful city full of beautiful young people (besides the Nerds) so we had no trouble fitting in. First of all we went to the Bank Bar, the coolest place in town where the waitresses are all hand picked for their good looks and where you get poncy candles on your table. It’s also very expensive, Guinness is about £4 a pint; so of course we indulged only in tea and biscuits and didn’t look at the waitresses once.
That evening we returned to the Mill Restaurant specializing in delicious (and expensive) French food and drink served by some Algerian who Philby had once let slip past him on to the Eurostar. Sandy balls and Matt spent their time talking about “work” despite neither of them being currently actively engaged in it, while Froggy and Lafayette looked out of the window into the square below where there were lots of pretty girls young enough to be their granddaughters (Who said they were actually lusting after them?)
Then back to the Arlington by another entrance which confused the poor fuddled Froggy who thought he was just going into yet another bar for yet another nightcap.
The wip was hemorrhaging funds by this time and Matt observed that not only was there an ATM machine situated next to the bar, but that every room had one for the convenience of the hotel’s clients. We were to need them all in the days to come.
Day 2
Down to breakfast and we were recognized by the efficient and energetic Carmel, mistress of the breakfast room who allocated the places according to preference and rank. Luckily, on a previous visit we had honoured her with the gift of a NERDS teeshirt (only reserved for the most favoured) and so we got a prime table with the option of taking a second or even a third extra breakfast.
And so to rambling. Due to somebody’s bright idea we had each bought a three day bus pass which allowed us unlimited travel, and so walk number one was to begin from Dunlaoghaire (or Dunleary, as it’s better known). Travelling by bus had become a constant pastime for those pensioners among us who were used to travelling free: poor Froggy hadn’t yet been granted this honour but liked the idea and couldn’t wait to get to sixty!
We walked past Dunleary port as the weather started to deteriorate. Out along the pier where we watched yachts racing each other and a large ferry coming in. Lafayette took lots of photos, including one of Sandy balls pretending to be the Ancient Mariner and one of Matt having a wazz up the harbour wall. Some old bloke welcomed us to Ireland – they’re all very friendly over here, obviously word had got round about how much money we were spending on booze and contributing to the national economy.
Back in town we had an aperitif in Weirs Bar where we met a nice well rounded barmaid from New Zealand, and then took a 59 bus to Dalkey where in Finnegans bar we met a charming waitress with crooked teeth, a wicked figure and (allegedly) a huge Scottish boyfriend. (See photo of waitress). Some toothless old bugger stumbled out past us and the waitress told us reverently that he was the famous author, Hugh Leonards. (Who?) Froggy told her he too was a famous author but she didn’t seem quite so impressed.
After lunch Sandyballs took us through the posh area of Dalkey where Enya and other famous people lived and where Matt could smell the money all around him. He reckoned they were all so friendly that they’d let you pee in their pockets. Just then around the corner we bumped into none other than Madonna who had descended from her split level ranch style mansion to go round to Enya’s to borrow a cup of sugar. We warned Matt about trying to pee in her pocket, have you seen the muscles on that woman lately?
Sandyballs marched us up to the top of a hill where it began to rain and where Lafayette felt the need to imitate a bear in the woods. Must have been a bad pint of Guinness. Then we got lost and decided to use our bus passes to zoom back to Dublin in the dry for a quick drink.
Back in the centre of town we asked a doorman of a large shop where Neary’s Bar was and he had no problem directing us. Matt peed in his pocket to thank him and we went there and shortly afterwards to a cheapo Italian restaurant where we drank some concoction called rock shandy at Matt’s suggestion and then had an argument about sending flowers to Philby’s funeral. Sandyballs wanted to send a huge wreath in the shape of a crate of wine but the rest of us thought this was a waste and said we’d spend the money on drink and toast his memory in a more practical manner.
Finally we ended up that evening in Merchant O’Shea’s, another famous Dublin bar, (yawn) where Sandyballs got a superb picture of his own backside while trying to put Lafayette’s camera on auto shot for a group photo. Hairy Mary wasn’t there like on the last occasion so we didn’t have to break any sad news to her. Sadly we were all too knackered to stay up late so we went back to Froggy’s room for a night cap of Jamiesons and so to bed.
Day 3.
Day dawned, the Chinese were making their usual racket outside Lafayette’s window – clacking mahjong tiles and shifting heavy furniture around, it seemed like. What was needed was a nice cup of tea. Except that Sandyballs seemed intent on bollocksing up even this simple task. First of all he failed to put sugar in Lafayette’s tea, then he tried to pass off coffee sachets instead of sugar. Honestly you just can’t get the staff these days! Bring back Shirley, at least she could open a bottle.
After another couple of mega breakfasts we headed out on the bus again for somewhere called Hoath. Matt kept insisting on opening all the windows on the bus saying it was good for his complexion and Lafayette was trying to take photos of road traffic accidents to pass the time. Arriving at Hoath we sheltered from the weather in a carpark (yes, it was raining softly again) until Froggy nearly got run over by a car and we decided to move on.
We walked along Hoath pier (a lot of pier pressure on these rambles) and then decided to have a gargle. Unfortunately the bar in the hotel we headed for was shut – at half past ten in the morning and this was Ireland! Fortunately help was at hand in the form of a friendly workman, who seeing our plight said “ Would youse boyz be lookin’ for a drink?
And directed us to the Fishermans Bar along the quay which he said had been open since half past seven that morning. Sure enough it was full of old gnarled fishermen yelling
“Feck!” and “Drink!” so we immediately felt at home.
After failing to solve a problem in lateral thinking which Lafayette had posed in memory of Philby, Sandyballs started marching us up urban hills again. Half way up this particular hill we ran into a naked man in a bathrobe standing in the middle of the road (this is Ireland). Lafayette enquired politely if he had perhaps lost his bath but he grinned and said No, he had lost his house. It seemed a bit windy round there, but even so…..
Up and up and up we went; the weather improved and we even got some sun. Finally we arrived at the Summit Inn which wasn’t quite at the summit but was as near as dammit.
There we had a huge meal thanks to the two nice waitresses from Slovakia and ogled the party of young Norwegian nymphets who had rolled up in a coach to join us. It was at this point that Sandyballs came out with the best quote of the whole trip “I can’t stand
Any more of this fucking Guinness” he said “It’s always raining here and there’s no decent bitter.” Obviously his Irish roots weren’t so Irish after all.
Exercising our rights as free pensioners we took the bus back to Dublin. We had missed out the Bog of Frogs which had looked interesting but took a bus tour round the city instead during which Froggy decided to go into a moody strop followed by a strop in the Arlington bar. (Probably missing the Bog of Frogs). Lafayette retired to his room to watch Shaun the Sheep on telly (his latest role model) while everybody had a little rest and calmed down.
That evening we returned to the Bank Bar in Temple Bar where we drank expensive drinks and where Lafayette cultivated the attention of a nice looking French waitress
who came from the area in which he had once been an English assistant about fifteen years before she had been born. God, don’t kids make you feel old! Thereafter we went to an Italian restaurant and listened to Germany smashing Turkey in the quarter finals of the European footy on the telly in the next room, and where two drunken Irish women got slung out of the place for supporting Germany.
Sandy balls wanted to get back to his roots after his previous gaffe about the national drink so he led us to a bar where they were playing diddly dee music and where there was yes you’ve guessed it, a Chinese barmaid. This was not with the approval of all parties some of whom got all moody again but things livened up at the Arlington where we closely followed the lack of progress of the girlie in the skimpy dress who failed to score despite displaying her wares to all and sundry.
Day 4.
Lafayette was woken once again by what sounded like Chinese goblins carousing in the next room and celebrating the noisy arrival of the opium supply wagon. He made his own tea that morning. This was the last day so down to breakfast and took pictures of Carmel.
“ Where’s my new teeshirt?” She said. “ Blame Froggy” we said. Matt wanted to go out by himself and look around a few dubious clubs so the rest of us took off for the Jamieson’s distillery in the hope of getting free liquor. Sadly they were running behind schedule and wouldn’t let us go round. It started to rain. It got heavier; we had to shelter in a bar. Lafayette remembered it was his sister’s birthday and phoned her up.
“I’m in an Irish bar ,” he yelled over the traffic noise. “Well, that makes a refreshing change,” she replied.
And so after hanging round Dublin airport for what seemed most of the day we flew back to Gatters where Froggy and Lafayette had a drink to celebrate their home coming and where Sandyballs suddenly decided he didn’t want to drink any more!!!!! It had been a good trip and we had done some interesting rambles and met the usual friendly Irish/Slovakian/French/Polish barmaids. Dublin is a great place to go if you have a lot of money and you like Guinness. Thanks go to Sandyballs and to Matt for the organizing. Pity you missed it, you others; you would have enjoyed it. Start saving up for next time.
LOS NIERDOS PARA SIEMPRE
Lafayette.
