NERDS' Ramble No. 313 – Wed. 9/12/15.
Christmas Ramble 2015.
Those Present - Lafayette, Sandyballs, Matt, Froggy, Curly, Paco, Dio, Bronco, The Bish, The Captain.
It's amazing how many NERDS crawl out of the woodwork for the Christmas ramble; what Matt calls the “Pick & Mix Crowd.”
Still, it meant we get a decent number together at least once a year and avoids Lafayette having to supplement the crowd with a lot of girlies from Gatwick. “Boo, boo,” I hear you all cry. No girlies! That's in contravention of Rule 2 of the NERDS' constitution. At least not until Lafayette's birthday ramble next month when it's a joint one with the Gatwick Girlies and Boylies (Otherwise known as The Darkside.
So, a meeting of the fold took place at The Runaway Cafe on Lewes station where Lafayette was the only one to have a drink (such a lowering of NERDS' standards, sigh) and where Froggy was seen modelling the latest in Davy Crockett coon skin hats.
(Looked like something he'd caught in the outhouse and subsequently strangled). Dio had turned up looking even more like Matrix Man in leather and long black coat,
althought the image was somewhat spoiled by the smoking gadget, (you really can't look cool while vaping, no, sorry). Anyway we were at that time short of the Captain who was doing his own ramble and starting from Seaford (!!!) and Bronco
who we discovered hiding amongst all the scaffolding of the station carrying a saddle and looking for his horse.
During the train journey to Berwick Bronco showed Lafayette his new Rolex (flash git!) and told him he was thinking of buying a Swiss army penknife so that he could finally extract all the stones from Crunchie's hooves. “ I thought you had stable girls to do all that sort of stuff,” said Laf. but Bronco reckoned they were all incompetent , even the pretty blonde ones, and besides he was more interested in starting a new collection of gadgets. “ Ah, I can indeed help you with that,” quoth Laf. “Have you ever thought of collecting airrifles; I've got an awful lot I need to get rid of.”
The NERDS detrained at Berwick and resolved to pay a visit to Milf Central (aka the Berwick Arms) – as long as it was open - it was. Meanwhile S.B. and Laf were chatting to a middle aged cyclist who had paused to let the train go by and who was riding a smart bike (another gadget). Sandyballs asked him how many bikes he had and was told two, a summer one and a winter one.
S.B. smirked because he had at least four and one with disc brakes, so there.
So into The Berwick Arms to see this year's Milf (they apparently change every year, get worn out with work or something. It's a bit like going to visit the Oracle in Delphi, only for NERDS. (“Oh comely Milf, what is the Meaning of Life?” “ Don't know, Saddo, now what do you want to drink?” This year's version was quite pleasant and called Carly (what else?). She liked Sandyball's shirt
and scarf and Laf. quickly ordered a pint before she could get distracted and rip them off. The boss ordered her to make the fire up for his guests but Laf could see she was fairly incompetent in this respect (Don't you know you've got to get the ashes up first or it won't go?) and made her go and get more drinks while he and Paco set about the task.
Now lighting fires is one thing all boys grew up with. Either they were taught to do it by their doting mothers (Laf.) or else they had to do it to survive on the windswept plains of the Iberian Peninsular (Paco). At any rate these two soon had a good blaze going while the rest lounged in armchairs and drank pints. As usual it was only Laf and S.B. who organised a whip between them. The rest were either being stingy, being abstinent or being NERDS Separatists (boring). But soon it became time to get a move on for our tarmac ramble towards lunch.
One thing about “rambling” from the Berwick Arms to The Cricketers,
you aint gonna get covered in mud even in December. You don't even have to wear rambling boots. (good for Pacos’). And so we strolled along the road and the cycle path towards the dread A27 where more than one NERD has nearly come to grief – probably due to drink.
Fortunately no-one met their maker at the said death-trap and we entered the pub to find the Captain who had (stupidly) taken in a muddy ramble from Seaford and had had to wear boots for this purpose. The captain had his Santa hat on (see photos)
and was full of ale and good cheer. The NERDS all sat in the side room, which was fine, there was loads of space
and we were served by a couple of attentive servant girls who sounded as though they came from somewhere east of the Carpathian mountains. The food and drink was good
and The Bish
told the tale of how he was asked to produce I/d to get a drink in America recently despite looking from birth as though he was over 21. Laf and S.B. tried out the Harvey's Christmas Ale (8 and 1/2% so only half a pint) and decided to make a very careful assessment of the A27 on the way back.
No mud and no casualties on the way back, hooray!
The weather even seemed to be on our side for it was sunny and the Sussex fields looked rather pleasant (especially after a few pints and a couple of bottles of wine). We regained our seats in Milf Central although the incompetent Milf incumbent had let the fire go down. She was, however, adept at bringing us drinks and coffee.We allowed Matt
to sit in the Best Seat somewhere away from the fire so that his nylons wouldn't get scorched and we made full use of S.B's hipflask ( another old NERDS' custom – to save pub money)
The Milf pronounced that The Meaning of Life was to get arseoled and laid and looked as though she enjoyed doing both, so we paid her fees and left the place for another year. Who might be there next year? Would she be attractive, intuitive, prophetic and would she be able to make fires better than Paco and Laf? “Quién sabe”?
We managed to get the train back into Lewes without missing it about three times and then all The Pick & Mix disappeared for another year (cowards). Yet Paco
had this marvellous idea for getting the Hard- core home; he put on his quavering grandpa voice and begged his daughter, the Lovely Lara, to drive over to Lewes and take himself Laf and Dio back home. Such a charming, well brought up girl! Hope he buys her a big present for Christmas.
So thanks to Sandyballs
for arranging it all, and don't forget the Lafayette birthday Bash on Jan 6th with the Darksiders. Dio, make sure to come as well; the Darkside nymphomaniacs are looking forward to meeting you!
Joyeux Noel a tous.
Lafayette.
