N.E.R.D.S’ Ramble No. 244 - 24/3/10.

Those Present - Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Captain Haddock, El Paco.

The Pumpton Ramble. (sic)


The weather was dull and shitey threatening rain, no sign of Spring yet, but the NERDS threw all their troubles aside and went to Lewes to breakfast chez Vic in his Greasy Spoon caff on the station. Poor old Vic was in despair ; the railway company were threatening to close him down because his presence was not in accordance with the company ethos. Maybe it was because his coffee was of too high a standard or the fact that he was pleasant to his customers and read poetry to them - who knows? The NERDS were enraged; The Captain spluttered in rage; Sandyballs and Paco tried to get Vic to join their respective unions (laugh out loud); and everone signed Vic’s petition adding that the waitresses could perhaps be sexier and wear shorter skirts and even speak Lithuanian if necessary.

When we were finally chased out of the caff for being flippant we got the train to Plumpton where that day’s ramble was to start. Lafayette had brought along his two way radios that he had bought in case of emergencies and originally to keep his other girly rambling group in order. He handed one to Gold Leader, Sandyballs who quite liked the idea of using it even though Lafayette was only two feet to his right. Still, you really don’t know when a real emergency might take place do you? And someone might spot Philby floating around in a field somewhere.

The ramble proceeded; Froggy and Lafayette discussed why they both needed a bigger size of shoe these days and decided they were victims of ‘Fat Feet Syndrome’. Sandyballs told Lafayette that he really ought to pull his finger out (ugh!) and submit his stool samples to the health centre as required by his doctor. ( There are some disadvantages to being a pensioner and at the mercy of the NHS computer). In the meantime Gold Leader managed to get us all lost.

We found ourselves wandering up some pleasant farmy-type drive in the mud and the rain until some nice horsey lady told us kindly that we were trespassing and she would shoot us in the arse with her shotgun unless we all came in and shagged her and her horse. Although some of us were tempted (a bit) we all turned and fled back up to the main road.where after a bit of dithering about we passed a Marzipan Witch’s House and finally found The Jolly Sportsman pub, which we had actually been aiming for, for a pitstop.

This was a marvellous place. It sold two local beers (both excellent) and about 65 different whiskeys. Fortunately we kept to the beers that day but even so after a while Sandyballs found he couldn’t read the map saying that the symbol for a petrol pump looked like a mobile phone and what did PH mean? (God Almighty everyone knows it means Public House!) and Froggy told us proudly that there were three ‘plubs in Pumpton’ (presumably where you could go clumping of an evening).
We got a delightful barmaid called Laura to take our photo and then Froggy , who was really on form that day,( or just drunk) spotted a notice advertising ‘Pig Baby and Bar Nipples’ and thinking it was dish of the day ordered it from Laura who looked a bit puzzled. Sandyballs had not meant to lunch here but the fact that it was raining outside, we were warm , comfortable and full of beer inside, persuaded most of us we wanted to stay there. That is until we saw the prices on the menu…..

Saddened by the fact they wanted about fifteen quid for fish and chips, we reluctantly dragged ourselves out into the rain and set off for the Half Moon at Pumpton (ha ha!)
Nestled in the Sussex Downs at the joining of two minor roads, the Half Moon is a very pleasant pub which, when we arrived, was devoid of any vieilles truites (or truites vieilles - according to the way you were taught French). In fact it was devoid of anybody except us which is how the NERDS liked it. However it had a roaring fire which gave it the Captain’s vote and the menu seemed more reasonable which gave it Sandy balls’ vote too.

The lunch was excellent (and cheap) and of course it sold Harvey’s so it couldn’t go far wrong. The Captain, now replete, regaled us with tales of how he used to be a
‘fournisseur de chiens’ for the PAF (Police de L’air et des Frontieres for those of you who’ve forgotten). When Lafayette, whose French was excellent, asked if this meant that that Captain had actually been a pimp supplying the PAF with ugly ladies past their sell-by date, he was slapped down by the Captain who told him that he must be barking up the wrong tree.

The under manager was an excellent bloke, friendly and accommodating and we gave his pub the NERDS approved sticker (that is we would have if….). As we were favoured customers he took us into the back room and showed us all the erotic paintings of his regulars. He said if we kept going there we too might join that elusive band and have our portraits done with no clothes on (mental note, must tell Matt ..ed.)
We shall have to have a word with Bob down The Engineer - he doesn’t do any thing as good as this!

So, afterwards we walked back to get the train at Pumpton where we shared the carriage with all those poor people who had had to commute to work that day (lol)
We were grateful that Gold Leader hadn’t made us walk back up the escarpment to Lewes; now that would have sobered us up quicker than anything.

Thanks to Sandyballs for choosing a couple of good pubs and getting us lost once again. It had been a good ramble; lets hope we see both B.T. and Matt on the next one in April.


Remember, Matt, Spring is the time for lurv, so get that posing pouch out!


Lafayette.

The March Ramble 2010

Whilst awaiting the write-up from the scribe here are Froggy's photographs of the edpedition.

Dear Fellow Nerds,

This month's ramble should hopefully be in lovely Spring weather. That time of the year when Nerds hold hands and frolic together amongst the daffodils in sylvan glades....Anyway, the date is Wednesday 24th.

Firstly, you will need a return ticket to Plumpton. Secondly, you can lay in your beds a little longer as the Seaford/ Newhaven contingents will be getting the 10.25/ 10.32 to Lewes where we meet at the Runaway cafe on Platform 2 and then take the 11.18 to Plumpton. Incidentally, you can take the later train from Seaford/ Newhaven and (just) make the onward 11.18 but it would be cutting it rather fine - and you would miss out on the bacon sarnies at Vics.

The reason for the later departure is so that we can take in a quick pint at the Jolly Sportsman in East Chiltington before proceeding to the revamped half Moon pub for lunch. Jolly Sportsman does not open till 12. Over the years I have learnt that there is nothing a Nerd likes more than a pint before having a lot of other pints!

Hope to see you all there.

Sandyballs

February's Ramble

In view of the derth of any photographs appearing from the budding photographers who attended the ramble, here are some I took earlier.

NERDS’ Ramble No. 243 - 24/2/10.

Those Present - Sandyballs, Lafayette, El Paco, Cuddles Crowe.

The Ramble When Most people Were Ill.



As you may guess from the title most of the NERDS were suffering from various lurgies this month. Pride of place went to Froggy who was allegedly producing projectile vomiting from both ends - had to be dramatic didn’t it? Then there was Sandyballs who was snivelling into his handkerchief and taking (pharmecutical) drugs, but at least had the good grace to attend; Matt was having his lavatory rearranged and Bronco, well poor Bronco was always ill - couldn’t walk and couldn’t drink. So to produce a quorum of at least three Lafayette had to go out recruiting.

First off he rang El Paco who for once seemed to be aware that a ramble was actually taking place, then he got hold of Cuddles Crowe from the Islamabad Hash and Grand Imperial Wizard of Her Majesty’s Border Control (Northern France Division). B. T. said he was washing his hair that day and in any case it was a long way to travel.

So, this motley crew rolled up at Lavender Lodge chez Lafayette and having finished off all his calvados immediately began wacking into the Morgans Spiced Rum and choccy biscuits. The day began with Cuddles giving a vitriolic presentation on Brodie Clarke C.B.E. devil incarnate and destroyer of H.M. Immi Border Agency thingy.
The discussion got quite heated and ranty and El Paco and Lafayette sat on the sideline giggling and counting their huge pensions while the other two vented their spleens and their worries.

Finally somebody noticed a glimmer of yellow outside the window and we all dashed outside to take advantage of this unusual weather phenomenom. It was too late by now to ramble over the cliffs to The Badgers’Watch (original plan) so Lafayette led everyone on his favourite route round the back of Parker Pen and past the muddy allotments of Newhaven’s hinterland. Due to the amount of moaning and wingeing about muddy feet from everyone Lafayette wondered if they knew what the first principles of NERDS’ rambling were (apart from no pooftahs and no women) ie. get everybody shitty. Nevertheless we all ploughed on towards the Wetlands and Bird Sanctuary.

It seems to be a well known fact that middle aged men all find TV weather girls very attractive and Cuddles preferred the dusky charms of that Nazaneen to the more mature attractions of that blonde Carole as advocated by Sandyballs and Lafayette.
Again the discussion got heated but in a more pleasant way, and the advantages of Nazaneen’s ample bum were compared to the beaming smile and upper body parts of Miss. Kirkwood. The contest was declared a draw as we wound our way past lots of ducks and things sitting on ponds recently augmented by the winter rains.

Eventually we ended up in The Flying Fish at Denton (as opposed to The Laughing Fish at Isfield) and found to our delight that rumours of the landlady’s sudden demise
(as spread by Sandyballs) were totally false. More to the point, her husband, a French chef, was still alive and cooking. Good job as well because the pub suddenly started to fill up with large parties of real ramblers and the dreaded , dithering Old Trouts so hated by The Frogster.

The pub started to resemble Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday afternoon - lucky that the
Important People (NERDS) had managed to get in relatively early and get their food. This, as might be expected from a French Chef was pretty good, and the beer although somewhat unusual, being either red or green from Shepherd Neame (somewhere in Kent) was definitely OK. However the noise and dithering of the Old Trouts finally got on our nerves so Lafayette took everyone out and back to their comfort zone of chez Bob at The Engineer.

The Engineer has strange opening hours (as we all know) but that day it opened at 3pm which is usually when the NERDS are chucked out of one pub and have nowhere to go. The usual fat barmaid - one of Bob’s offspring - greeted us effusively since we were the only customers, while Sandyballs handed over the whip purse to Lafayette which the latter had tried to abandon in the last pub. (This purse has a mind of its own, it must be said, it empties itself of money when no-one is looking and loses itself in whatever pub we happen to be in).

Anyway, after a few scoops Sandyballs thought it would be a good idea to ring up Mrs Sandyballs, who was teaching round the corner, and invite her to the pub for a drink, thereby scoring himself a lift home.This seemed to work just as El Paco was casting terrible aspersions on the NERDS by saying we should get hold of ski poles to walk properly and take things seriously. What a load of old bollocks. He was told in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to start a splinter group of his own that was fine by us!

Cuddles thought at this stage it might be a wheeze to lure his own wife down to the Engineer to get taken home but he kept getting text messages ordering him to report back sofort to chez Lafayette or the Gestapo would get him. Guiltily he slunk off while Lafayette took El Paco home to sober up before the long trip back to Seaford

It had been an interesting ramble and the weather had given us a little window of sunshine in all the recent winter’s shite. It had been nice to meet up with Cuddles again and we hoped his wife had not beaten him with her rubber truncheon too much. Let’s hope all the regular NERDS stop their projectile vomiting and such like before next time so that we can get back on track.

Los Nierdos Para Siempre!



Lafayette.