NERDS’ RAMBLE No 257 1st April ‘11.
Those Present - Sandyballs, Froggy, Lafayette, Dio,
Matt, Bronco.
The Meeting Bronco Ramble.
Well, despite increasing the font size for last month’s ramble to enable B.T. to fit in all the photos which Froggy may have taken, this arrangement was not to everyone’s liking…” You can please some of the people some of the time, but not…..etc” (Joseph Stalin.) So poor overworked Lafayette had to re-think his next masterpiece so that all myopic NERDS could have access. The new font size is therefore bigger than the original classic style but not so big that it fucks up the way it sits on your personal I-pad, I-phone or what have you. Hope you’re all happy with it now.
Most of us met up on that regular 10 o’clockish train from Seaford where Matt was amusing his audience with the tale of how he’d bought some cord trousers from M&S five years previously ( he’d been invited to join a hush hush secret society somewhere in Seaford, apparently) but had to take them back because the cording had been worn away by all the frottage caused by dubious sexual practices. Not surprisingly M&S had been unwilling to replace the trousers even though Matt had said he’d settle for a free dessert from their expensive food hall instead. You can’t win ‘em all, Matt!
Sandyballs, this month’s route master, met us all at Lewes waving his grandson and heir, baby Flintoff, in our faces. Flintoff took one look at Lafayette and ran screaming for the hills - he seemed to have some hang-up about Lafayette making faces and noises at him. Well, he’s a baby innit? Aren’t they there for people to make faces and noises at them? Anyway, Mrs Sandyballs hurriedly made off with the precious little bundle and Sandyballs gave everyone a lift to his split level, ranch sized residence up the hill.
First off we were given a guided tour of the new secret underground bunker in Mill Rd. which the Sandyballs family had filled up with bottles of champagne and where they all planned to get arseholed watching the royal wedding. This was so they could pick up tips about who to invite later on in the year to the even bigger royal wedding within the family. Maybe Kate and Will will come to theirs…..oooh, exciting!
So aperitifs were taken in the ranch style etc. and much whiskey and coffee was imbibed. Matt said he was going on holiday to Slovenia soon and it was going to cost about as much as presently owed by the Irish economy. Someone suggested he be patriotic and donate the costs of his holiday to the Irish economy, a bit like a sort of Green Nose Day, but this didn’t seem to go down too well. Froggy looked out of the window and thought Sandyballs must have found a new way to play his CDs since they were all festooning his cherry tree. Sandyballs patiently explained it was a secret New Age method of making his tree produce more cherries since the Tree Fairies liked listening to music. Froggy thought this was a good idea and said he would hang some of his own CDs on his son’s bedroom door knob to magic him into being polite to him once more. Nuff said.
Lafayette wanted to know how old the lovely Susannah Reid on television was so Sandyballs got out his laptop and hacked into her webcam. Turned out she was about forty and we could just see her getting ready to go to bed after a strenuous morning on the Breakfast programme. Lafayette then wanted to see what Sharon Stone was doing but Sandyballs vetoed that on the grounds she might not be wearing any knickers and would look too rude.
Anyway, to the ramble. The NERDS climbed up and up the Downs to show Dio the view over the Weald which had all allegedly been covered in forest in Roman times. Dio was impressed; there hadn’t been many ancient Romans in New York and trees were a bit scarce in Manhattan so he kept taking photos like all Americans do. Matt told him that the Romans had felled most of the trees to build a fleet of ships to be led by Princess Diana when she sailed against the Spanish Armada, and Dio was even more impressed with Britain’s strange history.
Eventually, after a lot of slipping around in mud and stuff the NERDS arrived at The Anchor in Ringmer which was Bronco’s favourite watering hole ….. Except he wasn’t there. “ Has an old bald bloke called Bronco been in?” asked Lafayette. The barmaid looked blank and just then Bronco himself breezed in. “Oh you meant Molestor Malcolm, the old git; why didn’t you say? “ rejoined the barmaid, and we knew we’d got the right person.
Bronco looked in fine form having recently got over the NERDS’ Christmas dinner which was when we’d last seen him, so we all sat down and ordered huge lunches. Sandyballs said ( a propos of nothing) that Lafayette’s looks had declined in proportion to the further he had climbed up the Immigration management scale[Pot calling the kettle black! – see Sandyballs’ portrait. Ed.] and that’s why he had scared young Flintoff.
Lafayette was miffed at this and accused Sandyballs of having milked the system during his career by all the lavish expenditure he had incurred with his stays abroad and switching diplomatic residences etc. He implied he was as big a social climber as the Captain and was only having a big wedding for his daughter so that he could get Elton John to play the organ and have Tina Turner and Arthur Brown lead the dancing. Blows with handbags were exchanged and order was restored.
Meanwhile Bronco got on eating his portion of crab brain (he’s a connoisseur, you see) and said although he’d starved himself for several days he was prepared to share his cheese-board with the rest of the NERDS. He then mentioned he’d had a recent invitation to the royal wedding (the real one) in view of his special skills. In fact he was to be employed shovelling up all the horse shit after the royal couple’s procession had passed by. Quelle honneur!
Finally Bronco disappeared in his car with Matt who was taking him home to give him some Catholic, political Fenian lessons which might come in handy for when he did that afternoon’s shift (?) and the rest of us had to get the bus back from Ringmer which was uncomfortable since it was full of pre-pubescent school kids spreading their pre-pubescent miasmic stink everywhere and yelling “Oink” and “Poo” at each other.
However, another good ramble and thanks to Sandyballs for the route and the entertainment. Next ramble should be in the New Forest so we’ve invited Bronco along to pick up all the pony shit which might incommode us.
Bye for now.
Lafayette.
