NERDS' Ramble No. 341 Wed. 11th April 2018
The Brown Butterfly Ramble.
Today's ramble was not only a new, new route which had come to Sandyballs in a dream, it was to be one of the most highly organised works of art in NERDS' history. That is, because it was such a special ramble it had deserved a recce done by both S.B. and Laf. to ensure that the route and the hospitality were up to the proper standards.
Laf and S.B. had had a few adventures on the recce which will be related in due course; the others all met at the Runaway
at the station and then proceeded to Lewes Bus station to catch the most rare and unreliable Compass bus
to Laughton. The latter is one of those obscure villages in East Sussex. Rich people buy cottages here and then find they are living miles from anywhere, and really need to have learned to drive, to chop wood and to grow their own potatoes to survive. What was worse was that it was so early in the morning that we had all become Twerlies and had to actually pay for the bus fares. (Scandal!)
Fortunately S.B. had a map and wellingtons. This worried some of the others – would the route be wet or muddy? Not blinkin' harf, thought Lafayette. You lot just don't know what we've got in store for you! The weather was a bit dull and it was evident that it had rained a bit since the recce. However we started off OK on a small country lane
which led to a very pleasant church
with lots of graves outside – (mostly of dead people.)
There was a Baron's grave which Froggy claimed to have some sort of connection with and which seemed to have some sort of breathing tube attached. (maybe it was a vampire baron with asthma.)
Matt and Curly went inside the church and made wondrous cooing sounds – the lure of religion – and we all wandered around
and Lafayette sat in the childrens' playpen area and rested his poor, tired limbs.
Outside we went down a path and through a pleasant wood
where birds were singing and fairies were hiding
(probably.) Matt himself began to drop hints about his proposed trip to Peru later in the year. This had started off as a solo holiday but was now attracting followers of which there were now at least two. The mystery was who they were, and how they had managed to pay the enormous entry fee. Froggy (being one of them ) was annoyed that his wife had managed to get one up on him and travel to Peru last year without him. Maybe it was a bit like the Gambia where middle aged wives just go off to on a whim because it's got nice shops.
Anyway, outside the wood the ramble started in earnest. This was where the map was needed. The route consisted of very similar looking fields
all of which were wet, boggy, muddy and treacherous.
Lafayette told everyone not to worry as the fifth field up on the right held a surprise for everyone. He hinted that the field was full of exotic brown butterflies ( a bit like fairies but not so intelligent). The trouble was that Lafayette was joshing and bantering and the brown butterflies had horns and waggy, long tails.
This is where S.B. and Laf. had suddenly found themselves the focus of attention of a petite herd of about thirty bullocks
on Monday last. Now bullocks (especially brown ones) are very curious animals who knew that our two NERDS were extra special beings worthy of their attention. All that Laf. and S.B. were trying to do was get out of this filthy, muddy, wet field into the next filthy, muddy, wet field without falling into the swamp underneath. The bullocks decided to race around the field to corral the two NERDS. S.B. was thinking of leaping over the barbed wire fence at the side of the field to escape but Lafayette who originally came from farming stock in rural Staffordshire knew that bullocks only attack people who wear red sweaters (like Froggy had on by coincidence that day.) So Laf. bravely stood his ground and the bullocks gazed on him in awe and rattled past into the next field.
That day though, the bullocks were all dotted about the filthy, muddy wet field bored with life in general and not bothered about the arrival of several timorous NERDS and their squelching feet. Hardly a head was raised, even Froggy in his red jumper managed to sidle past without being gored and stomped upon. Lafayette laughed inwardly and resolved to bring some firecrackers for next time.
We arrived at a fairy-tale tower
which Sandyballs said was not a folly but a tower which you could hire
and go away to with someone you like, and shag your brains out. He said he had once been seen off by some irate German guest there when he had been seen peeping through the windows. Lafayette sat down, the excitement was getting too much for him. Hipflasks were produced by him and Curly and time out was called to consult the map.
Fortunately Sandyballs must have had a new perspective on the route from that of earlier in the week. We seemed to be short-cutting more successfully except for when we got hemmed in by barbed wire fences
and they were just too big to leap over. Froggy said it all reminded him of the route along Hadrian's Wall where some local had told him he couldn't possibly get lost unless he was a complete moron. The other NERDS kept tactfully silent at this point.
Finally we got back to the fairy wood
which led back to the church
which led back to the pub. Incidentally this was The Roebuck at Laughton
just in case anybody is sufficiently moronic to get lost round here again. One of its more stranger assets is the gents toilet which has grotesque gargoyle features for you to piss in
. Another quirky feature was that of what appeared to be a dead suit of armour lying on the roof. What with all the fairies in the woods too the NERDS thought they were being pursued by enchantment.
However it was not fairy magic that was coming after us but a somewhat disheveled Paco with the slavering monster known as Bandido. Despite being rung up by two different people and reminded about the ramble, Paco had forgotten that he was supposed to be monster-sitting for his friend, Imogen, that day.
Luckily he had remembered where lunch was and how to get there so he had driven up to keep us company.
The food in the Roebuck wasn't bad but on the expensive side. Paco sat next to the fire
and fried, and Bandido wandered around everyone else's table and generally made himself popular. (Aren't the general public soppy about large dogs approaching them for choice bits of the meal they're eating.) After all this we got the only other bus going back to Lewes that week and disappeared to our various directions.
Congratulations to Sandyballs for having found a completely new, new ramble
in a place so obscure that they needed goblins in the toilets to attract people in. Sandyballs' daughter allegedly lives further up the road but finds public transport a bit restricted so sometimes has to borrow her neighbour's broomstick to get to work. Lafayette thinks he had been drinking calvados when he had seen brown butterflies on his reconnoitre ramble, but then - it's strange in the country!
Lafayette.
