July's Ramble!

NERDS’ Ramble No 272. Wed. 11/7/12. Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Paco, Lafayette. The Wrath of God Ramble. This ramble started off in a fairly downbeat way - like we all went to Sandyballs’ house and hoovered up his drink and choccy biscuits; and listened to his tales of how wonderful it was to be back actually working at an airport again (albeit Luton). Those of us who were retired ( Paco and Lafayette ) hung on to his every word and wished we had not been so foolish as to take our pensions at only 60 as we had nothing to do now and were really bored. Froggy, meanwhile, was so enthralled by S.B.’s exciting accounts of refusing entry to whole flight loads of real Nigerians and jumping up and taking a terrorist bullet meant for the girly Floor CIO that he resolved to request an immediate transfer to Luton and work there until he was 65 - life there seemed so exciting! However before naked ambition took too great a hold on us Sandyballs made us all get our boots on and kicked us into the great outdoors. The weather looked a bit iffy and rain was in the air. Thank goodness Paco had packed all his wet weather gear otherwise he might have got wet! The NERDS set off along S.B.’s favourite cycle route towards the Anchor at Barcombe where we were due to take lunch. The traffic was awful and whizzed closely past us making Froggy’s bright conversation about work nigh on impossible to hear. Finally we fought our way off the road into a country lane and tried to enjoy the rural scenery. Only it seemed to be getting darker. The clouds were gathering in the west; ominous rumblings were heard coming nearer and then a powerful and fear inducing voice spoke to us from Up Above. “ You NERDS are all miserable sinners,” thus it spake. “ My wrath shall be upon you for the detestable verminous lifestyle ye all lead, with its whoring and drinking and greediness and love of filthy French catamites.” Then the sky opened and hail stones the size of cannon balls fell about our ears followed by violent, soaking, torrential rain the like of which could not be imagined - for this was England in July, after all. The NERDS, terrified, tried to press themselves into the side of a large oak tree to escape this venomous diatribe but to no avail for it continued wreaking foul and thunderous havoc around their ears for many minutes. Lafayette was a bit put out by all this. “ Now look here,” he called upwards, “ Us NERDS aren’t as bad as all that and I only went to see B.T. to be friendly; nothing actually happened between us.” The Presence Up Above must have been convinced by Lafayette’s persuasive argument and sincere avowal of innocence because the rain slackened a bit and enabled the NERDS to scamper along the road to take shelter in someone’s woodshed. We were all soaked and pissed off. A council was convened. It was obvious that God did not want the NERDS to go to The Anchor that day. It was evidently considered to be a den of sinfulness and illicit pleasure where even now the inhabitants were suffering plagues of frogs and slashing rainfall, and were probably having to cast around for bits of stuff to build an ark out of. The council decided to eschew the sinful Anchor and instead head across the fields in a subtle short-cutting manoeuvre towards The Cock at Ringmer. The actual walk was quite interesting and picturesque, although not far, and the NERDS rolled up at The Cock just as the first wave of Old Trouts were disembarking from their BMWs and Range Rovers to clog up the bar for thirsty drinkers. But, and here God’s hand clearly revealed itself, here was a chance for Lafayette to redeem himself and show that The NERDS were not all feckless, rude, vile-living reprobates (as if). Lafayette made it his mission that day to help all the lovely, aged, rich people through the pub door. He held the door open for them, advised them to mind the step, commentated on how well dressed they were, and gratefully received their murmurings of thanks. After all these acts of contrition and obsequiousness Lafayette busied himself with all the fetching and carrying of - hush, speak softly - ‘alcoholic drinks’ for his companions. Then he went out the back, stripped off his damp shirt and got one of the bar girlies to flagellate him thoroughly so that his atonement could be seen to be complete. The rest of the NERDS, of course, took no notice. As long as they had food and drink they were happy. The food and drink, incidentally, were excellent, but eventually the NERDS realised that God had led them to a place where soft conversation took place, where strong drink was consumed only for medicinal purposes, and where it was considered rude to push in front of Old People to get to the bar and to trample them into the ground when they fell off their zimmer frames. Lafayette was so contrite for his sins that he ate laminated pie and only nicked one of Sandyball’s chips. Paco spoiled the New NERDS image by chucking his brandy all over himself but redeemed himself with a flash of God given genius by saying he would see if his sister could accommodate the NERDS at her holiday home in Spain for the 25th celebrations the following year. This we all thought was a good idea. Froggy told us that on his recent holiday Derek had secretly told him that Hamish Mc Findlay had an enormous penis; though how he knew this priceless piece of information was anybody’s guess. We all shushed Froggy for mentioning such dirtiness in this nice, respectable pub full of lovely, aged rich people, and urged him to temper his hitherto profligate life of seeking out murky websites and thinking only of himself or God would surely punish him. And so we walked back the way we had come over the wet fields and lowering landscape. Even the cows were shivering under trees waiting for the next downpour, but it was a pleasant enough route. Just as we had hit the main road again and were making progress towards Lewes, God appeared again. He had obviously heard Froggy’s foul tale concerning Hamish’s todger and decided to make an example of the poor Frog. He was suddenly stricken with terrible pains and grumbly noises in his entrails. He could hardly keep himself together and begged Sandyballs to let him stop at his house to use the facilities. Froggy blamed the (actually excellent looking) curry he had eaten in the Cock for his distress, but Lafayette knew better. It was the Wrath of God. Not content with giving the NERDS a bollocking for their own nefarious lifestyles, He was visiting His vengeance on those who had dirty minds and who heeded not His warnings. Poor Froggy managed to obtain Divine Pardon and relief in Sandyballs’ bog while the rest of us crept down to the Gardener’s for a crafty pint or two. The Gardener’s was obviously a more NERD - like pub where the Devil hung out. It is mostly for men and makes no concession to good taste or fancy furnishings. It provided one Milf to float through to the ladies room and delight our eyes (aesthetically, of course) and we spent a very happy couple of hours there in the late afternoon sun reflecting on our extraordinary experiences that day. Lafayette had learned that God was not to be trifled with and that he saw you doing everything - even the dirty things. It was evident that we could no longer go to the Anchor, (which had probably floated away anyway) and that we had to be nice to lovely, old rich people and not call them Old T****s any more. Froggy had to up his game and get a proper job at a proper airport; Paco had to stop chucking alcohol everywhere when he was being expansive and needed to invest in some wet weather gear; and Sandyballs needed to worship mammon less and spend more time with his wife (or setting rambles). Lafayette expects the NERDS will be back to normal next month despite their great religious experiences, so don’t worry too much Thou Readers of the Blog. Lafayette.

July's Joining Instructions

Dear All,    This month we walk on Wednesday 11th. This is in my 'week off' between stints at Luton and Gatwick South. The things I do for Her Maj !   Anyway, the ramble will start from my split-level, ranch-style residence in Mill Road.[ Check out the Google local map pictures!!] So, the usual 09.58/10.03 from Seaford/ Newhaven Town and I will meet you outside Lewes station and transport you up the hill for coffee and biscuits.   Wet weather gear perhaps?   SB