July's Adventure Ramble 2015

NERDS' Ramble No 308. Wed. 15. 7. 15.



Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco, Matt.



The Burger-van Woman Ramble.



Sandyballs had got a new route for us this month; not a recycled one; not an old boring one but a brand new one which promised to be full of adventure, incident and untapped horizons. The NERDS could hardly wait.



Sandyballs had asked us to meet him in Brighton (BRIGHTON!!!!! Wow! never been there before, Wow!, Kappow!) The fun started straightaway – at the bus stop(s). Froggy had given precise instructions as to which bus the Seaford/ Newhaven chapters should board so that we could all sit together, travel together, wank together and arrive together to make up a seamless meeting with S.B. Except unfortunately...............



Lafayette left his house in good time and moseyed the hundred yards or so up to the bus stop. He had been instructed to get the 09 52 which would carry, Froggy, Matt, and Paco. One bus came ( a bit early) but there was nobody special on it. The next bus came - “Ah, this must be the one,” thought Lafayette, but no grinning faces from the upstairs deck. Lafayette was in despair. “What if it's all an awful plot to sideline me,” he thought. “ What if they're having their ramble somewhere else and they haven't told me.” What if they've gone and found themselves a new Scribe who'll write only nice things about them and they're never going to talk to me again ???”



While Lafayette was indulging in these paranoid delusions he felt a tug at his sleeve. At his side stood Paco who had got off the recently arrived bus and was ever so grateful to see Lafayette.

“They weren't there,” he sobbed. “I thought they'd forgotten me or gone off on a ramble of their own or were fed up with me forgetting the date or thought I looked too scruffy or, or, or......” “Nonsense,” said Lafayette, masterfully yet at the same time with compassion. “I expect it's all our fault really because Froggy is so good at arrangements that it must be we who have cocked up. Let's just get on the next bus.” And so they did.



Arriving in Brighton (My God, the crowds! the milling throngs of young people! The colourful shops! The beggars playing Summertime on pianos in the street! the BUZZ!) Paco and Lafayette knew they had to meet S.B. near Marks at Costa Coffee. And there he was, looking out of the window, biting his finger nails, whispering to himself, “ What if nobody comes? Are they still speaking to me? Maybe the joining instructions were too curt, perhaps they don't like the idea of a new ramble after all, maybe they think my teeth are too crooked, did I look at Froggy too funnily last ramble, maybe he still hasn't forgiven me, Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!”



Masterfully, yet with compassion (again) Lafayette calmed S.B. down and, saying nothing of his own paranoia, went to get Paco a coffee. No sign yet of the others who had been causing us all this Angst, “maybe they've gone off by themselves” a little voice started up again in Lafayette's head. “ Maybe they joined another rambling club.” “ Stop it.. stop it.. stop it!” However, shortly afterwards up rolled Froggy and Matt who had been waiting for twenty minutes in Starbucks round the corner. “Where've you lot been?” shouted Froggy. “ Are you still talking to us, or what? We thought you'd got a better offer; we said to each other I bet those bastards have left us in the lurch and have gone off drinking without us somewhere; we were really, really worried and HURT!”



“Tut, Tut, such childish worrying, “ said Lafayette in a masterful yet compassionate way ( for the third time) “ Do you think we'd leave you two by yourselves? I mean, Matt can't even put his own knickers on by himself, let alone find his way to China, and we all love you anyway cos you're a NERD.” Froggy was eventually mollified and so we got on to discussing the details of the new exciting ramble.



Sandyballs said he was first of all taking us on an exciting bus ride around the exciting parts of Brighton and he hoped we would all be excited at this and not forget to talk to him (occasionally).

We got on the number wotsername bus, and of course, a lively discussion about bus passes took place. I will leave you all to imagine who the initiator was, but I won't go into the details since you've heard all the shit he usually says about this and it's boring anyway.



The bus ride took us round all the posh parts of the Brighton suburbs. We could look into people's windows from the upper deck. These were the parts where the roads were wide and tree-lined; where the houses had big gardens full of flowers and nicely mown lawns and where the au pairs walked the dinky little dogs and where the drug dealers did their business from plush offices – not on street corners, like in Neushaven. Yes, but none of them had a Co-op just down the road like Lafayette did. He wasn't jealous, oh no, no, no. ( Yes he was really).



We got off somewhere at the top of some hill near Falmer by the Asda store. Then promptly got lost. “Which way is the country?” We all thought, “ this is a trading estate.” Froggy began to cry and said he was hungry. Matt said he'd wet his knickers and could somebody change them for him. Just then we spotted a burger van not far down the road. Froggy's blood sugar was playing up so we hurried over to see what sort of scoff they sold.



The van was run by a really nice friendly lady called Kim of Kim@Honeys (or was it Honey@Kims?) anyway she persuaded Matt to change his knickers and told Froggy to stop crying; she would feed us all.

Not only that, she would sing to us too. Now there's a treat. Kim told us all to forget about the wicked lies the government and the medical profession had put out about nasty cholesterol – it simply didn't exist. Her sizzling burgers were something to really get your lips round, she said; and as for her heavenly mushrooms, well, they would send you to the gates of paradise and back. Matt decided he wanted her for his next wife (after Kylie, of course) and so climbed into the van

and insisted on a selfie with her. Then she decided to sing him a lullaby. Kim had a little pot infront of the fryer into which you could put contibutions to encourage her singing. It was er.... tuneful and very beautiful. So much so that her pot was soon filled up with loose change and she was eventually persuaded to stop.



Sometimes out of a situation which is fraught with uncertainty comes direction; sometimes when all seems lost a light is seen in the distance. That burger-van turned out to be the saving of us all. It united us, stopped the paranoia and the petty jealousies, bonded us together and made us feel like proper, strong NERDS again.....even if we did have to put up with some ghastly singing.



On, on. Sandyballs led us out of the concrete jungle of the trading estate up the side of some hill.

Then we crossed over a couple of dodgy roads and lo and behold found ourselves in the countryside.

This was nice, except we had to climb up a long, long hill. Still, fired up with all that cholesterol that Kim had shovelled into us,

and with her pop songs still ringing in our ears, we finally made it to the top.



We passed a Freemasons Lodge house and narrowly stopped Froggy from baring his breast and flaunting his nipples at them.

(Be aware that NERDS have slightly different initiation ceremonies involving chips, clothes pegs, girlies (No!, no girlies) and calvados, but no nipples). Then we plodded off through lots of woody paths over the Downs and down towards Falmer. The weather was grey and stinking humid; fortunately the overhanging trees in the woods afforded some relief from the oppressive heat.



We walked what seemed like miles and miles. The paths, however, were broad and shaded and we talked and bonded and finally got rid of our paranoia towards each other. ( I lie of course, but it was a sort of feelgood afternoon). Finally we descended into Stanmer Park and bought an icecream in Stanmer village before heading towards Stanmer Hall.



This place just oozed CLASS. We'd been here a few times before but that didn't matter, - the walk was different, the final setting classy. Suits of armour, posh paintings, books even, and a nice bar with a jovial Geordie in charge. We sat outside and drank cider.

Lafayette wasn't allowed any – look what happened last time. He had to drink beer.

The waitress girlies were all dressed in black and spoke nicely. The place reeked of Good Taste. Even Sandyballs could smell the money. People were celebrating their offspring's graduation nearby. “ Oh, Jemimah deah, I hear you got a lovely third ; we'll have to renew your string of ponies when we get back to Surrey.” and “Fwedewick, I gather you're captain of Wugger now. Good Show, next stop the City, eh?”



The NERDS basked in their own appalling ordinariness and were glad their parents had not been like that. They had a nice meal

at a nice table with a nice waitress called Maria. At least that's what Matt called her since he knows how to coax the names out of unwary females (look at how he charmed Kim, the opera singer).

(Actually, Maria was really called Hannah although Sandyballs fell for this trick and called her by her NERD – name by mistake. Oh, didn't Matt laugh, cruel boy!



We lounged on couches

for ages and ages in the annex next to the suit of armour with the Darth Vader mask, and drank more stuff, but no calva because they'd run out so it had to be Hennessy - quel dommage! Then reluctantly we had to leave this Joanna Lumley sort of place

and go back to where we had come from that morning; back into the real world.



It had been an interesting new ramble, and thanks to S.B.

for finding an old “Walks of Sussex” down the back of his sofa.

Fry-up Lady Kim

with her melodic voice had been the high point of the day, although the way we all finally managed to get together that morning had taken some damn good organising, so well done to Froggy

as well.



Next ramble in August some time. Perhaps it'll be another new one too!



Love to all.

Lafayette.

July Joining Instructions

This month we ramble on Wednesday 15th. A bit of a of departure this month. There will be, believe it or not, A BRAND NEW RAMBLE!! Yes no more endless reruns of old favourites! At least not for this month.
You will however be familiar with the lunchtime destination - the upmarket Stanmer House. So please wear your best rambling gear. Although I don't think that The Admiral, if he is joining us, will need his DJ and cumberbund.

Also, you will need your BUS PASS for this ramble. Hooray! I hear (nearly) all cry. I will be getting to Churchill Sqare ( where we change buses) at about 10.30. I suggest that those living in the Seaford/ Newhaven conurbation make their own arrangements to catch the No 12 bus. We could all meet up at the coffee shop near to M&S (Costa?) 10.30-ish.

Looking forward to your attendance and enthusiasm.

Sandyballs

July's Ramble date

Hi All,

For anyone not aware, the ramble this month is on WEDNESDAY 15th. Joining instructions, as ever, to follow!

Sandyballs

June Ramble 2015

NERDS Ramble No. 307. Tues. 16th June 2015.

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Curly Clarke, The Bish, The Captain.

The Ramble when Lafayette got very, very, very pissed.

Sandyballs was proposing a killer ramble this month. One which started off in the country side but then involved a huge hill, nay escarpment up to the top of the Downs. We had all done this in times past – it had almost killed The Bish last time and he was now not only older but prepared to give it another go.

Most NERDS met on the train from Seaford where The Captain was having a go at poor Matt for his diabolical fashion sense (ie. stripy shorts and a jazzy shirt) and because Captain had seen a flyer advertising “Purcell's Faerie Queen” he thought this might be Matt doing a burlesque turn as part of the Brighton Festival.
Dear Matt was concerned that the general public might think the Captain had been employed as his fashion advisor and/or theatrical agent so hastened to distance himself from any such suggestion.

Sandyballs met us at Lewes. He knew the walk was going to be an absolute bastard so he had packed a defibrillator and a couple of body bags - just in case. Froggy had been campaigning on line for the last week or so to get the route changed or modified; he didn't think he could heave his not inconsiderable bulk up the hill from The Half Moon but Sandyballs was adamant; we were going to do the climb if it killed us all. Such sympathy, such tyranny! He'd managed to persuade Curly that if he got to the top, czech babe Kylie (aka Veronica) would be there waiting for him. Such wild expectation, such naivety!

Anyway, we de-trained at Plumpton,

a very pleasant station set in the relative silence of the countryside where the sun was shining, the insects murmuring, the birds tweeting etc.

You know the sort of thing. We wandered through the lanes enjoying the calm of the day passing a typical Sussex pub “The Paedophile” Children Welcome, said the notice, but nobody thought it was a good idea to stop there.

Eventually we went through Plumpton College

where lots of posh girlies were grooming lots of posh ponies, and where young lads were pretending to study agriculture and be farmers. Most of them, however, were lolling around drinking beer and trying to cop off with the posh birds with ponies. College life, ah, plus ca change.........Somewhere along the way we met a real farmer in a real landrover with whom Lafayette had a long, interesting conversation about the best way to slaughter grey squirrels, magpies and other vermin. Lafayette's new friend reckoned the best way of dealing with seagulls was either to use a Khalashnikov assault rifle or else dynamite in extreme cases. Lafayette wondered what sort of training and field trips they gave at Plumpton college and whether they might take him on as a mature student gamekeeper. Throw in a few posh birds with posh ponies and lots of beer.......Nah, Lafayette had never been known to fantasise too much.

Soon we arrived at the Half Moon pub. Sandy balls had chosen a table in the semi shade, and with a commendable degree of foresight had brought with him a bottle of wine and some picnic glasses

so that we could have an aperitif before the pub actually opened for business. Everyone drank and said how they were scared of having to go up the escarpment. The Captain tried to persuade everyone to vote UKIP and leave Europe. The Bish and others told him to fuck off, reminded him the UK's borders were a shambles now and pointed out how it might be a bit difficult to re-start examining French onion sellers and Italian waiters when we couldn't even stop the Nigerian forgers and the Colombian drug smugglers from overrunning our fair land.

Fortunately just as positions were beginning to get a bit entrenched the pub opened and our thoughts turned to other matters.

Now The Half Moon had always been a good place if a bit expensive. You could tell the usual clientele from the dead fox which was nailed to the wall just by the gents. However the place had suddenly got very professional. No longer could you just go up to the bar to get a drink then return a few minutes later to order a meal. Now there were teams of young women (colleges and schools were breaking up) who “took charge of your table” and the clientele thereon, to make sure your orders and money were processed in a quick and efficient fashion.

No complaints here then. We had to allow Matt to change table at least once because he didn't like the view or was scared of getting skin cancer in the sun, but thereafter we were waited on hand and foot by “ our waitress” Katrina

who gave very good service and was (somewhat disappointingly ) English. (Where had all the dirty Czech and Roumanian babes gone? Where was Kylie?). Anyway the dinner was good, the sun was shining and even Matt seemed disinclined to make his usual fuss over the number of chips doled out etc.

Unfortunately this was when Lafayette started to have problems. He didn't mean to, and in time honoured Froggy fashion It wasn't his fault. You see, the day previously Lafayette had had a tooth removed. He had gallantly put up with this surgery so that his family could once again have a happy, smiling paterfamilias who would not be grumpy at them because he had toothache. Unfortunately, the downside to this was that Lafayette couldn't eat much. (big bleeding holes in your head persuade you that toast and crisps are off limits) So Lafayette consumed a mouthful or two of soup

only and a few mashed up strawberries for afters; but then discovered that a particular sort of cider was extremely nice and had amazingly anaesthetic and palliative qualities. Four pints later he was completely rat-arsed. Nobody noticed this at the time, least of all Lafayette. Notes tail off at this point but Lafayette recalls floating up the escarpment

as if he had drunk a gallon of Red Bull (Wings and stuff), then feeling rather tired and lying down to have a little snooze.

Froggy's photos will bear out the fact that for a lot of the time after lunch Lafayette was completely out of it. The NERDS had a bit of difficulty getting him to his feet - I mean, It was nice lying there in the sun

dreaming about fairies and icecream

and girlies with big......... but finally he was hauled upright and propelled down the long hill towards Lewes. Lafayette remembers it was a long way down these paths, that Froggy took care of him the same way he looks after Bronco (and other needy lunatics) and that he ended up in the Black Horse drinking lots of coffee.

It was not a fit of drunkenness which would probably go down as notorious in the annals of the NERDS; Lafayette didn't kill anybody or throw himself over a cliff. It really wasn't as funny as watching Philby, hopelessly drunk, trying to make headway with the girl of the ferry with the corkscrew hair, or the time when Lafayette himself had to prop up Sandyballs against the door of The Select and then manoeuvre him into the hallway whereupon Sandyballs promptly fell flat on his face over a very surprised Neron ( large hound). No, it was just a little abberation

which emphasised that if you're going to drink, eat something as well!

And so (allegedly) ended the Ramble no. 307. Thanks go to Sandyballs

for bringing all the supplies to the pub and allowing us to visit Plumpton once again. Thanks to The Captain and the Bish for giving us an entertaining political discussion, and thanks to Froggy for his pastoral care of Lafayette when the latter was a little indisposed.

Don't forget Andy Maskell's do at The Crown in Turners Hill on Monday 13th July where you can meet all the Gatwick Escapees and reminisce on how pleasant it was when you were persecuting French onion sellers and Italian waiters in the Good Old Days.

See you there.

Lafayette.