NERDS' Ramble No. 288 - 13th
Nov. 2013.
Those Present – Lafayette,
Sandyballs, Froggy, Paco, The Bish.
The Wild Boar Ramble.
Today was going to be a mystery ramble so that a) no-one would know
where we were going; b) nobody could check up whether the lunch time pub would
be open or selling beer or had not been burnt down for insurance purposes etc.
etc. and c) because Sandyballs just liked being awkward.
We had the two Gatwick mercenaries with us this time so together with
the Bish we managed to make up a quorum, and the journey to Lewes from Seaford
managed to pass without incident – even Paco managed to get the right day [let
alone the right train] (!!!). At Lewes everyone found they were short of money
so had to cluster round the hole in the wall to stop the others reading their
pin number and emptying their account (fat chance).
So, topped up with new funds the NERDS hung around the bus stop outside
Waitrose for a 29 bus.
During this brief sojourn a little old lady slid up to
Paco and tried to engage him in conversation. She had obviously just seen him
go to the cash point and knew he was loaded. While she was chatting merrily to
him she brushed a hair from his collar and neatly removed his wallet from his
person. Luckily Lafayette saw this and shouted a warning, whereupon the little
old lady did a rapid bunk and fled back to her Armenian protector. Paco had
thought she was a working girl for those of mature
tastes which was why he was busy negotiating a good rate with her. Good job
Lafayette can spot reprobates at a fair distance – that's why he got promoted!
And so on to the 29 bus, but where next? Lafayette had the temerity to
ask where we were bound and Sandyballs revealed the NERDS were bound for the
famous village of Boars Head. “What nonsense,” quoth Sandyballs “There's no
such place called Boars Head, do you think we're all mad?” “Oh yes there is.”
replied S.B.
“From where do you think they get all the wild boar sausages in Sussex?
Lafayette had this mental image of a small village where people rode
around on horses all the time playing at sticking pigs on the end of lances
like he used to do in Pakistan. He wondered if he could get a part time job
there – sounded exciting.
Anyway, through the lovely Sussex countryside we travelled. The weather
was bright and sunny and the NERDS were on the top deck of the bus looking down
into all the posh people's gardens.
Froggy was being oblivious to all this beauty, however, since he was
busy being bus sick and spewing all over the rest of the passengers. You just
can't take him anywhere! “ We could have gone to Arundel for the money I spent
on this bus ticket”, he wailed. The rest of the NERDS all smirked inside – they
all had bus passes and didn't have to pay, ho, ho.
After a bit of route titting about along Wild Boar Road ( no sign of
any pig sticking yet) Sandyballs led us off into an extensive apple orchard
where there were loads of apples growing (how strange!).
Lafayette was a bit concerned as he knew that wild boars liked eating
apples and he didn't want to meet any unless he was armed with a lance or else
a very large rifle. Luckily the wild life around seemed to consist only of
a bunch of pissed wasps. There was a small pit stop where The Bish tried out
some of his Chinese sherry on us (not too bad at all) and then we threaded our
way through the orchard into the open country side.
Here the views were magnificent. Sweeping green fields and lush hills
greeted us. Down, down we went.
Paco hadn't got any boots because he had poorly
feet so was slithering round in Gucci loafers that he had borrowed from Froggy. In years past this is the point that Philby
would have covered his feet in freeTesco plastic bags. We went into a wood and got muddy, then went
up a track and got even muddier. Turning right we espied a farmer who kindly
told us the correct route to take. Lafayette asked him when the pigging season
started but he said they had all already been shot and turned into sausages but
if he came next year they might give him a job.
On, on we went; along a valley following a stream then back up a muddy
hill to test those with slippery, fancy shoes. The sun beat down, everything
was green and lovely and we were looking forward to lunch.
We picked our way through the
orchard keeping out a wary eye for rogue boars which might have escaped that
season's cull and were seeking revenge. Finally we got to the local pub (guess
what? – The Boars Head) and settled down in front of the smoking wood fire.
What a pleasant place! The landlord was friendly and so was his wife. The food
was excellent and the Harveys was very well kept. It was definitely a NERDS
approved pub in every respect. It's amazing that you can buy a really nice pub
after spending your career chasing a few pigs around. Although the landlord did
say he had had a hand in founding Virgin with Richard Branson so maybe he already had a bob or two.
After lunch The NERDs got back on the bus to go back to Lewes and
Froggy was nauseous again (too much pig stew) or maybe it was just the smell of
Paco's cigars wafting everywhere. (Now Paco's earning money again he's
indulging his favourite hobby).
Into The Volunteer pub at Lewes where Sandyballs suddenly started
moaning what a crap place it was. Well, I suppose it didn't have the class of
The Boars Head and it was a bit rough, but c'mon, it serves NERDS and it's not
too far from the station.
However Sandyballs could not be placated so we decamped to The John
Harvey and got all warm and cosy and didn't really want to go home but I
suppose we did eventually.
It had been a good ramble on a really nice day to a really nice pub and
we had all had a good time (Apart from Sandyballs in The Volunteer) so good
Routemastering. Next Ramble is the Christmas one and local intelligence
suggests we will be joined by Bronco (minus horse). Then the January one will
take place on January 8th and will be a joint venture with the
Darkside from Gatwick again.
Should be fun if all the Gatwick girlies get pissed again!
See you soon,
Lafayette.
