The May 2010 Ramble

Well here it is folks; The ramble accordging to Lafayette. There do appear to be a few anomolies but the photographs do provide an interesting account although there is not one phorograph of Froggy. Is this because he was not there? Or is it that he could not prevail upon anyone to 'take one with me in it'. Anyway; here commencth the lesson:-

N.E.R.D.S. Ramble 246 - 12th May 2010

Those Present - Lafayette, Froggy, El Paco, Sandy balls (a bit).

The Dithering About Ramble.


Today the NERDS were somewhat depleted. Matt put up the usual pathetic excuse that he couldn’t be bothered coming; Captain Haddock was nowhere to be seen; Bronco was off lassooing horses in the Camargue and Sandyballs had a gout related toe infection meaning he couldn’t walk but could issue instructions from his Bunker in Berlin. Unfortunately for Froggy the instructions were written down in minuscule Martian and sent to his mobile phone. This, together with the fact that Froggy had lost his reading glasses meant that no way could he make sense of anything, so nobody had a fucking clue where we were supposed to actually ramble that day.

So off we set from Lewes station. At least the weather was OK - sunnyish and reasonably warm. Froggy led us through Southover towards Kingston saying all the while that we had done this ramble before so nothing could possibly go wrong could it? Paco trundled along moaning that his eldest daughter was pregnant again and had forgotten his birthday the day before, and Lafayette covered his eyes in despair convinced disasters were going to happen - ho ho, just watch this space.

We got to a field - yes I know this happens sometimes in NERDS’ rambles - but was it the right field? Where did we go from here? Which direction was the correct one? Was the ramble actually today, anyway? Paco assured us it was ( and he should know)
There was a lot of DITHERING and FAFFING ABOUT cos it was obvious that Froggy didn’t have a clue what to do next even though Kingston (our pit stop destination) was practically visible as the crow flew. Lafayette was snorting with impatience so Froggy took some nice photos by a gate (which gate? Was it the right gate?) to shut him up and calm him down.

Eventually we hit a road (was it the right road even?) and prepared to go across country through a farm towards Kingston except Froggy’s map wasn’t very clear and he hadn’t got his reading glasses and the sun was in his eyes and he wanted a wee and where were we anyway? Eventually Lafayette, in an uncharacteristic burst of impatience, took the ramble by the horns and led his Chosen People out of The Wilderness unto Kingston via the A 249.

Finally we had got to The Juggs, the pit-stop pub agreed on by Sandyballs. Now we could relax a bit and let some of the tension and stress that attends each ramble just ebb away.(lol again). Finally after about three pints of Bishops Finger (rude Bishop!)
Lafayette stopped snorting with impatience at other people’s frailties and realised that other NERDS weren’t perhaps as perfect as he, and he should make allowances for this humbling fact. At least Froggy had recommended the beer here so he was forgiven a bit (only a bit ) for his FAFFING and ARSING ABOUT during the route mastering.
When Lafayette had calmed down and stopped cursing, swearing and banging his head against the flint wall, Froggy lead everyone through Kingston out into the countryside towards the Swan at Southover via the large bridge over the A27 where some pillock had once jumped off with a rope around his neck to try to commit suicide and ended up decapitating himself (ie. did actually kill himself but not quite in the way he had envisioned).

Anyway, we entered The Swan to see Sandyballs in his bathchair moaning that his foot hurt and that’s why he couldn’t have got the pints in for the rest of us (just his own) and where had we been, we were late. So Paco blamed Lafayette for drinking too much and Lafayette blamed Froggy for inept route mastering and Froggy blamed Sandyballs for sending him illegible instructions and normal NERDS relations were resumed.

After a good dinner of some pie or other that Sandyballs had recommended (it was very good) Lafayette decided not to endorse Baby Flintoff’s passport application since he was too pissed to write properly and he didn’t want to end up with Baby Flintoff being issued with a forged Nigerian passport by mistake. And so Sandyballs wheeled himself off to get his stitches plucked out (It’ll only take five minutes or so and I’ll be out this afternoon riding my bike - you just watch, ha ha ). We never saw him again.

So, the rest of the NERDS decamped along the road to the King’s Head simply to escape the incipient showers and not to drink any more beer - that would be immoral.
While Lafayette was prising more money out of the hole in the wall Paco had been making enquiries of the barman and found there was no cognac to be had for the café cognacs. So we had to drink café /malt whisky (not quite the same). Meanwhile in the back room Froggy had come upon a vision of 22 stone loveliness holding a little dog who said her name was Ivy and she was half Peruvian.

Paco entered the room, gave a start and they started talking to each other in Spanish.
Lafayette’s Spanish is only Home Office exam level (ie. rubbish) but he managed to piece together the following conversation:

Paco I haven’t seen you for ages, how is your mum?

Ivy You should care , you bastardo, after you abandoned us I heard she was selling herself on the streets of Caracas.

Paco (shame facedly) I couldn’t stay, I met this nice Brazilian woman and she wanted to have my babies.

Ivy And what about me? I was only little, I had to go off to Mexico and buy little dogs to trade for food otherwise I too might have ended up pregnant like all your other relatives. By the way, what happened to that friend of yours - the nice one with the beard who spoke crap Spanish and who was always trying to get my knickers off?

Paco Sadly, he went to a better place.


What happened next is only to guess because the rest of the NERDS (all two of them) ran out of the pub and scampered home before any more sordid details of Paco’s past were revealed.

So, an exciting ramble with lots of incident and excitement. No plaudits to anyone because it nearly ended up as a shambles, although thanks to Froggy for spotting the Bishop’s Finger. Lets hope Sandyballs manages to get on his bike again before Christmas.

Next month The New Forest - Whoopee!


Lafayette.

The May Ramble 2010

Here are Sandyballs' joining instructions.
Dear Nerds,

This month's ramble will take place on Wednesday 12 th. For reasons orthopaedic I will not be able to take part but this will not stop me setting the route and meeting you for lunch. In my place I delegate the actual routemastering to Froggy, so you shouldn't put a foot wrong, should you? I will be emailing Frog with suggested directions in a separate email.

Basically the route starts and finishes in Lewes and involves a pint stop at the Juggs Arms in Kingston and a lunch at the Swan in Southover - which is where I will meet you. Suggest that Seaford/ Newhaven types take the 9.58/ 10.05. Will hopefully see you all there at about 1.00 PM.

Hope you all enjoy good weather but will have a good laugh if you don't!

Sandyballs


However, it appears that Muscles Matt will not be attending as he is having his contral heating "fixed". ( A euphemism if ever there was one).
I hope you have a quorum and that the ramble is a good one.

Regards,
BT