1989 Christmas Ramble

N E R D S

Newhaven Immigration Rambling and Drinking Society


Ramble No 18 - 8 December 1989


NERDS Christmas Ramble


Participants - Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, B.T., Felipe, Mystery Guest,
Captain Rainbow



The Christmas Jambouree nearly got off to a disastrous start this year what with Sandyballs being unfairly fooled into getting up early by a couple of NIGS Moroccans and then being so tired that he hadn’t quite managed to get back home off night shift by the time Lafayette called for him. However, everything got together at last and Sandyballs and Lafayette met the others at Eastbourne all ready for a gentle stroll before what was hoped would be a massive Christmas linch with some luscious, sexy mystery guest like we had all had last year (I mean, like the one who turned up last year).

This was obviously going to be an arduous ramble since everybody was kitted out with walking sticks, B.T. has unscrewed the gear stick of his car, Froggy had got his posh walking cane, Lafayette had some brutal instrument for bludgeoning any dog who might dare to come too close, and Sandyballs had a Pakistani police riot stick. Well equipped we all wore silly hats and all, so off we went.

Sandyballs tested our endurance by leading us along the South Downs Way, along the cliffs and up a perpendicular hill to the top of Beachy Head. There we gratefully collapsed into the Beachy Head Inn and tried to get our breath back while quaffing pints of aperitifs. Our table looked nice, all crackers and Christmas decorations next to a roaring log fire. While we drank we composed a postcard to the Grand Imperial Wizard of the NIGS – something along the lines of ‘Wish you were here, but not today’ – what a cock-up!

Anyway, wo was to be the Mystery Guest? Would it be the glamorous Mrs. Sandyballs again dressed up in suspenders and a beret? Would it be the Prisoner of

Valenciennes or even Hungerford out on a seagull culling mission? Imagine our surprise (as the expression goes) when the door opened and Troy walked in wearing his best suit.

To say we were all gobsmacked is an exaggeration. Fancy inviting the leader of the opposition to our festive dinner. What could be Sandyballs’ motive? Perhaps it was going to be a brilliant opportunity for a political assassination – a night of the long golf clubs, for example, or maybe Sandyballs had just gone barmy. Then we realised. It was ASR time and the dastardly crawler had sold out to the rival organization just to curry favour with his line manager. Miserable turncoat!

So we all swallowed our pride and made Troy welcome. Captain Rainbow rolled up a little later rivalling only B.T. in the scratchy stubble contest and then we all sat down to enjoy the Christmas feast.

It must be said that this was not bad. Lafayette and Sandyballs had to stop Froggy from throwing himself on it and gorging everything in sight. Lafayette felt no different after guzzling a whole bottle of Eisberg wine until someone told him it hadn’t got any alcohol in it – what a waste of money! Our servants were two very pleasant wenches, one of whom was called Mariè and was friendly and blonde and chubby and just Lafayette’s type (I won’t go into details about this month’s fantasy nut you get the general idea).

We pulled crackers, swallowed plastic things, put on party hats, drank toasts and received our new orange badges courtesy of Sandyballs and Searchlight. We were all feeling very merry by now. Lafayette tried (unsuccessfully) to dry his hands under the condom machine in the toilet. Felipe wanted to start a splinter group called BALLS (Babyfoot At Lewes) and Matt wanted to start one called PRICKS (Playing at Rambling in Kinky Shorts). The first was considered viable, the second was banned.

We eventually bid Troy goodbye and staggered out to ramble the other 4 miles promised us by our leader. Felipe wanted to give blood to the Samaritans but they weren’t that desperate. In the event we had a visit to the Beachy Head Best Jump Spot, a guided tour of the marine installations and a history of all the suicides from Captain Rainbow who then returned to his car taking Matt with him to Sandyballs’ annoyance. “Not completing a ramble could result in confiscation of his badge”. He muttered. But then Froggy said it was getting dark and windy and how about a drink at his place, so Sandyballs was overruled and we all discompleted the ramble and returned the way we had come.

Back at Froggy’s we had more drinkies and a leer or two at his lovely wife. Baby Froggy sat on Sandyballs’ knee and tried to wrench his badges off, and then competed with Lafayette in making silly noises and throwing up all over the place.

So, a merry Christmas to all our readers and especially to Troy. Many thanks to Sandyballs for his organisation badges and wit in the choice of mystery guest (even if his management of the ramble developed into chaos). Next ramble will be on Wednesday 24th January, 1990 when possibly officer Gilroy will have got us some new diaries to record this important date,

Lafayette