N.E.R.D.S. RAMBLE No 218 22nd August 2007

Those Present – Froggy, Lafayette, B.T., Muscles Matt, Bronco, Cuddles Crowe,
Dumpling Dwyer.


It had been a dark and stormy night and it was a cold and stormy morning - in August!
The NERDS plus 2 high-ranking and influential, personal friends of Lafayette set off under the guidance of Froggy in the direction of Pevensey’n Westham hoping that they would not be swept away by hurricane Engelberta which was being predicted for the South East region.

Arriving at Westham, Froggy and Matt (or Moggy and Fratt, as I almost wrote) were still bickering about who had been at the wrong end of Sheep Shit Lane where they had been supposed to meet. However, the spat fizzled out and the Boy began to get his act together to lead us all into oblivion. Apparently, Froggy had been in touch with certain Aliens who had beamed him satellite pictures of the route of the proposed ramble. Matt was a bit uncomfortable at the thought that this new, advanced technology might be able to see inside his bedroom when he was amusing himself of an evening, but Froggy assured him that the Aliens were concerned only with himself and had no interest in any other life forms. (They are also in the publishing business, so things are looking up for Froggy).

The first part of the ramble took us over fields liberally sprinkled with cow shit (irritable cow syndrome) and we correctly deduced that cows had recently been there in a strop. We had to scamper across a very dangerous A27 and considered the possibility of making a sedan chair out of branches for Bronco but he managed to get across in the end.

We crossed a river, then more fields, and had a photo opportunity for Lafayette and his influential friends to reminisce about pigs and hunting and stuff long ago in distant lands.
The fact that Cuddles had in fact run a wild pig over once in a fit of pi(g)que was hastily glossed over.

Dumpling made a polite enquiry about how the new uniform regime was catching on with the Home Office, and was given the venomous reply that both nail varnish and musical socks had been banned as had any exotic or misplaced tattoos (Mercy mercy!). Surely this is an infringement of human rights, I feel an industrial tribunal coming on.
Dumpling was shortly afterwards bitten by a malarial bramble and began to bleed to death so we thought we should proceed post haste before he needed the kiss of life.

We proceeded through a farm where the farmer was chopping up bodies, on past an Al Quaeeda look out post manned by an Arab who couldn’t even spell his own name (Osma), and on to a friendly looking farm shop and piggery where the superbly fit and corn fed looking farmer’s wife served us with luscious sausage rolls – a sort of appetizer before lunch. Lafayette caught Cuddles with a homicidal gleam in his eye eying up one of the penned up porkers, but managed to steer him away from the nearest land rover before any harm could be done.

Eventually, we arrived at the Royal Oak and Castle Inn at Pevensey where we had quite a good meal and where Matt began practicing his seduction skills on the barmaid by asking her if she was brown all over or just on the bits he could see. (Good job she was english otherwise there might have been another industrial tribunal). Poor old Matt then got accused by two people of farting in the Gents – much to the amusement of the guy in trap 2 who had been hoping to have a silent and private dump.

And so we proceeded through Pevensey castle to the heron Pub a bit further up the road
where Lafayette and B.T. played each other at bagatelle, skittles and darts, and where the others indulged in intellectual conversation. Finally we all ended up in the Landsdowne Arms in Lewes moaning about the weather and telling awful jokes.

Apart from hurricane Engelberta it had been a good ramble thanks to Froggy once again. It had enabled Lafayette to further his career by brown -nosing his influential friends, so maybe a part time job as a sweeper at Terminal 5 really is on the cards!

Next ramble is the one where nobody can make it in Shropshire so Lafayette will take B.T. up there for three days of drinking, shooting and debauchery. Weep all you others!



Lafayette.