THE NERDS’ Ramble No. 261. 22/8/11.

Those Present - Froggy, Matt, Sandyballs, Lafayette.

Special Guests - Bronco, Dumpling.

The post Wedding Ramble.

The NERDS were all recovering from the wedding of the year which had taken place a couple days before. This, of course, was the fantastic celebrations following the marriage of jeune Sandyballs, ( also known at the age of 6 as The Baby Hippy on account of her (then) tatty hair and general scruffy appearance)
And Warwick, son of Manneville, bachelor of the parish of Lewes.

The celebrations had gone on all evening; the NERDS had been wowed by the generosity of the hosts ( Mr and Mrs Sandyballs) who, in addition to laying on mountains of food and huge quantities if drink, had imported a lot of young chicas in very short frocks simply to entertain the NERDS by dancing before them in a provocative manner. Everyone had had a really good time, especially Sandyballs who had been seen bouncing off the walls of the venue and disappearing into the Gents. Lafayette had pointed him in the right direction, as usual, and then retired to the bar to threaten his own daughter with disinheritance if she ever started demanding a wedding on such a scale for herself one day. (After all, Lafayette is just a poor pensioner ).

So the NERDS were all basking in that warm, rosy afterglow which comes from eating and drinking too much ( not that this happens much, lol) when they woke up to the fact that it was time for the next ramble. Firstly, all round to chez Sandyballs for a breakfast of wedding cake and er..cognac (well they do go rather well together!). Froggy wasn’t sure about all this rich diet and accused Sandyballs of trying to block his fatty heart with excess confectionery. “Murderer,” he screamed, “ Just because I’m the only one still at work, you’re trying to kill me off because you’re jealous!” Sandy balls privately admitted to himself that he really was missing being at work but said there was so much cake left over that he thought he’d just foist it off on the NERDS before it got stale. Lafayette wondered what the interesting wooden bit he’d chewed on in the middle of his cake was but Sandyballs said it was just a bit of fertility tree that had fallen into the mixing bowl and was actually a sign that Lafayette’s manhood would increase in size the older he got (fancy that!).

Since Froggy felt too weak to walk over the hills to Glynde, S.B. decided to take us all to the Anchor at Ringmer where Bronco might be hanging out. The NERDS made sure the bottle of brandy was dead and then set off. The day was dull and rain threatened; however the route was pleasantly flat so that anyone even with the slightest trace of heart disease could be expected to cope. We passed witchy looking women from the woods near Lewes and old hippy type men with beards and sandals. All you get in Newhaven are sailors from the ships and Turks out of the back of lorries, so a pleasant change for Lafayette.

At The Anchor we sat on the comfy sofas to await Bronco who probably hadn’t got up yet. To while away the time Dumpling D. told us stories of how he’d had to face hordes of fuzzy-wuzzies besieging the Embassy when he’d been posted to Lagos. Apparently they’d wanted to pay back the tax their dependants had fiddled when going to the UK but Dumpling had bravely mown them down with machine gun fire for the filthy liars he knew them to be. No sense in paying back tax when none was needed, he reasoned.

Bronco turned up looking a bit pale; he’d been trying to get over the last occasion when SB and Laf. had lured him down The Anchor and filled him full of gin. All his other (octagenarian) mates from the pub welcomed him back and he proceeded to order a large steak which put a bit of colour back in his cheeks. Bronco told Sandyballs he couldn’t wait to get back to work because he was missing Shirley Wirley being nice to him. Sandyballs burst into tears and vowed to revise a lot and do team working from home just to catch up with all the other lucky workers.

The food wasn’t bad and Lafayette had Eggs Florentine to show how sophisticated he was; Matt had lots of apple crumble to show what a pleb he was. Matt said when he retired he was going to buy an ice cream van and deal drugs to school kids because this was the way forward ( Graham Boiling quote) Dumpling said he’d have to pay tax even on immoral earnings but Matt thought he’d be OK if he sold a bit of icecream as well.
Dumpling thought he ought to invoke The Human Rights Act (Article 6 - the right to make a lot of money) but Matt thought this was vulgar as he’d never been interested in having a lot of money anyway; he just wanted to be of some use to humanity and he was going to leave all his money to that famous society in Seaford, the C***s, anyway.

The conversation turned to those who had “ladies who do” to clean their houses and those who didn’t. Bronco said Froggy had been such a good friend to him that he was going to send his own cleaner round to his house specially so that she could clean the cobwebs off his willy. Froggy started getting worried about the effect this might have on his dicky (geddit?) heart, but Bronco assured him that his cleaner’s tickling stick was really quite remarkable and would only give him mild palpitations.

The NERDS then said goodbye to Bronco who was going home to ensure there was enough mess in his house to justify the cleaner returning. After that we got the bus outside The Anchor to Lewes to save Froggy having to strain his heart any more by needing to ramble ( Aren’t we all considerate?), and ended up in The Gardeners where Lafayette had his tea consisting of cider and porky scratchings.

It had been a slightly unusual ramble since the original route had been cancelled for health reasons. However, thanks to Sandyballs and Mrs Sandyballs for all the cake and stuff and it had been nice to see Dumpling and Bronco again.

Dates of the next rambles are as follows just in case everyone gets drunk and forgets what we decided on:

September - Monday 26th
October - Friday 21st
November - Tuesday 22nd
December - Wednesday 14th

Bye for now.

Lafayette.