NERDS’ RAMBLE No. 260 - Wed. 20th August 2011.

Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, The Bish,

The Not So Mystery Guest - Shirley Wirley.

The “ Beauty and the 5 Beasts” Ramble.


Well, you know what they say, the older you get the more you lust after young women. That’s why up to now Rule No 2 (or is it 2a?) was “No women on NERDS’ rambles! This was because they might want to talk to us, flirt with us, seduce us, marry us, interfere in our lives and actually think they were good enough to take over NERDS’ rambles. No, we couldn’t have that at all, I mean what would our wives say?

But today was to be an exception because Shirley Wirley wouldn’t do any of the above nasty things to us - she’d got more sense! Besides which, we’d got Matt with us to warn us of the dangers of hellfire if we got unclean thoughts (especially about women), and The Bish who was ugly enough to frighten off any women and Lafayette and Froggy who loved each other to bits (see photo of Lafayette’s clumsy attempts at foreplay in the station shelter at Normans Bay. Sorry Brian, you’ve been away so long that there’s a new catamite on the block.)

The weather did not look promising. It was dull and shitey looking, hardly the sort of day to get entangled with the opposite sex, - or any sex for that matter. Most NERDS met on the train from Seaford where the Bish popped up again to swell our ranks. Long time no see. Had he been consorting with other rambling groups or just hiding his light under a bishel? The man refused to say, although we all suspected he’d been off pirating with The Captain.

But no, The Captain, it was rumoured, was presently in Cornwall spending all his lump sum on fancy high heeled shoes and mastadon skin handbags. ( It just shows you how retirement makes you turn a bit weird! ) and The Bish steadfastly denied all accusations of going out shopping with weirdos.

But back to the ramble. The NERDS had the usual cup of coffee at Vick’s on Lewes station and got their photo taken in the waiting room by some eager young mademoiselle (Froggy’s charm working overtime again) then they got on the complicated train that goes to Eastbourne, back out of Eastbourne , all along the south coast, round and round the houses until it ends up at…..er somewhere I forget but it was near a nice field where we stopped to admire Sandyballs’s new boots.

Having spent all his NERDS career wearing sandals with no socks (some half-arsed fashion statement, allegedly) S.B. had decided now was the time to become a proper NERD and get some kitten heeled rambling boots. He had therefore sought the advice of The Captain, that well known pervert and foot fetishist, and come up with a boring pair of size 13 footwear type thingies which didn’t flop around like the last pair of sandals he’d turned up in.

Admiring speeches were made, photos were taken and awards given out. Sandyballs was very happy with all the adulation and vowed we could bury him in his NERDS boots next to Philby when his number came up. Froggy here made a bid for fame as the wannabe- next- NERD- to- croak by saying he was going for an angiogram next week and was feeling a little pale and wan at the thought of having to be fitted with the vicious nipple clamps which were apparently obligatory. Lafayette said he’d once gone out with an Irish bird called Angie O’ Plasty and was she any relation to Froggy’s angiogram, or did his one just play old fashioned records? Matt just smirked and murmured something about a club he’d been to in Berlin once.

We seemed to be in Pevensey so Sandyballs thought he’d celebrate his new footwear by buying some chips. Then we did a bit of rambling and then we went into a pub. It was a nice pub although the barmaid did look a bit askance at Lafayette when he asked for a Guinness shandy. “ Why can’t you drink Harvey’s like all the other daft NERDS? “ she said “This stuff is really sticky and gets everywhere.” Lafayette didn’t know what to say to this and turned to Matt for advice. The only answer he got was something along the lines of somebody’s solicitor was looking for work. Er.. Fine, I’ll just drink my Guinness and stuff then.

We sat outside and learned that that weekend something called PEVFEST was going to take place, and that it was going to be a local BIG, BIG THING, apparently even bigger than the usual futile “hunt the virgin all round Pevensey” event which took place every twenty five years, but this time with lots of rock bands !!!! “Er ………super,” we said and quickly downed two more pints before running away and looking for a chip shop.

Sandyballs led us unerringly to his pre-prandial aperitif of carbs, and because it would have been rude to let him eat by himself we all joined in and risked spoiling our appetites. On, on, we went through crappy caravan sites, along narrow country roads until Sandyballs got a phone call from some irate woman who was starving, wanted her dinner and demanded to know where he was. S.B. ‘fessed up to making a detour to get some chips and getting everybody lost in the process. The angry female voice threatened SB with the sack if he didn’t get his arse in gear but the latter quietly smiled and said actually,he had retired. Ho, ho!

Eventually The NERDS arrived at The Star at Normans Bay where an excellent, roasty dinner was on offer, and where suddenly a woman turned up wanting to be nice to us. However, this was no ordinary woman, this was Shirley Wirley the bestest girlie and the most efficient CIO (sadly demoted) in the whole wide Border Control Agencie Thingie wotsit. Lots of hugs and kisses all round and then rearrangement of the seating plan so that Froggy could talk a lot about work and so that the rest of us could just look in wonder into Shirley Wirley’s eyes and wonder why we hadn’t repealed NERDS’ Rule 2 (a) long before.

Later on that cold, rainy afternoon somebody thought it would be a good idea to go and freeze outside while hoovering up the pearls of wisdom which were emanating from SW’s lips, but in the end she had to hurry back home to cook Tin of Beans’s’ tea so sadly the NERDS had to say goodbye. There were lots more hugs and kisses and we found out that actually, and contrary to a malicious rumour put out by Froggy previously, Shirley Wirley
had quite a nice thin, but gropable bum which she tore from our grasp and led enticingly away. Now you see why girlies really shouldn’t be allowed on rambles; they’re really very bad for NERDS’ blood pressure!

Waiting in the train shelter at Normans Bay Lafayette fell in love with Froggy (faute de mieux) and tried to twist his nipple off. Froggy responded by telling Lafayette something fascinating about work, but Lafayette wasn’t listening; he was fantasising about mumsy thingies and slumped down in a drunken coma until the train came.

Most of the NERDS ended up in Lewes, apart from two whose combined age exceeded a hundred and forty, and the stalwart NERDS ended up in the Kings Head drinking Doombar.

It had been an interesting ramble and one in which Lafayette’s hormones had occasionally got the better of him. Thanks be to Sandyballs for the route and to Shirley Wirley for the entertainment. Oh, and to all those who met together to talk about work……fascinating stuff. Can’t wait for the next instalment.


Lafayette.