April's Ramble 2012

NERDS’ Ramble No 269 - Mon. 30/4/12. Those Present - Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, El Paco, El Capitan, B.T. The Florence Ramble Lafayette thought “ Well, what on earth can I call this ramble ( since they’re all repeats and the participants tend to be the same NERDS - except this month, of course). I know, I’ll name it after the barmaid we met cos she was able, willing , and I told her I’d make her famous. And so to Florence it is dedicated. Two NERDS of yore flattered us with their presence this time. B.T. had come over from France to sort out the usual family squabbles about inheriting those dodgy banknotes he’d left in the forgery room at Gatwick, and the Captain was on shore leave with a day or so to spare before visiting another wife in another port. While the NERDS were travelling (sans Sandyballs) to Lewes that morning, the Captain complained to Lafayette that he had nearly run down a familiar figure sprinting across the Newhaven ring road. Lafayette revealed that he had been secretly summoned by Lord Coe to take part in the Olympic 100 metres final to ensure that British interests were upheld and that Usain Bolt didn’t have things all his own way. He was, Lafayette continued, merely pitting his lightning acceleration against the early morning traffic, and anyway, the Captain had missed him hadn’t he? Breakfast was convened chez Vic on Lewes station platform where Froggy in a fit of generosity bought everyone cognacs to go with their coffee. Sandyballs was there already sharpening his Samurai sword and preparing to be a wicked mercenary in the pay of Mme. Home Secretary that coming summer. The powers that be considered that the way to solve the huge passport queues at airports was to put him and the Captain on adjacent desks so that they could chat together about the vast sums of money they hoped to be making - and thereby slow down the passenger flow even more. B.T. had been invited to be a floating forgery officer at the back of the control, but had declined the offer as he had never really been interested in making easy money. But to the ramble….Ah yes, in a month when it had done nothing but piss down with rain practically every day the luck of the NERDS had prevailed and the sun was out and shining over Plumpton race course where we began. Sandyballs said we should have to stroll very slowly along the lanes and dither a lot because the first pub was one of those awkward Sussex ones that only opened at noon. We met a girlie with a horse who directed our way pubwards - she looked very rural and horsy and obviously knew where the important places were in the county. Accordingly, at one minute past twelve we were banging on the door of The Jolly Sportsman at East Chiltington demanding to be let in. Sussex girlies let us in ( all the Polish and Roumanian ones had obviously fled the recession and had cleared off back home.) so we settled down to con them into thinking we were going to have lunch there.( It was an expensive gastro pub, you see, with vastly inflated food prices.) So we had a couple of pints and the Captain said he was waiting like a coiled spring for an important phone call from the Home Sec, and Paco said he had always lived in a perpetual state of coiled springery but since retirement he couldn’t quite remember why. Froggy chimed in saying he too wanted to be a coiled mercenary because it sounded cool, but everybody pointed out he couldn’t because he’d already pressed the F10 button on his machine and was due to self destruct before we got to the next pub. On, on we went, and after a lot of faffing around, going through horsy fields and fighting our way through Plumpton Agricultural College - where the students were idly standing around polishing their posh landrovers and untangling the knots in their ponies’ manes - we finally got to The half Moon pub. Here we met Florence who was very personable, very efficient and reckoned she had a brother called Zebedee (oing, oing.)The Admiral told her that he too was waiting like a coiled spring for the call to arms but she didn’t seem as impressed as the rest of us had been at this singular honour being paid to him. The food was good here - but sadly it had gone from being a place with good pub grub like last time, to becoming somewhat of a gastro mealery rather like the Jolly Sportsman. Maybe they were trying to keep out poor ramblers with muddy boots and loud behaviour. Ha!, Ha! Well, bad luck, the NERDS were all now rich and could afford posh gastro pubs and obliging bar maids so Up Yours! In our loud and inimitable way we discussed having a whip round to buy Froggy a stick-on chest wig so that he could cover up his scars and impress all the girls. Froggy said all the recent attention had so confused him that he had joined MI6. He admitted that it had actually been he who had killed Stephen Kelly and said he had stuffed some bloke into a suitcase the other week. It was better being a serial killer rather than a coiled mercenary because the money was better and you could exude an air of mystery. Florence took our icecream order and asked us if we fancied becoming lecturers at the nearby agricultural college where she kept her cow. She said there was a dearth of good looking middle aged men amongst the staff and we ought to apply. S.B. and El Capitan said they already had jobs, Froggy was a bit mysterious about what his job entailed, B.T. said he might find it a bit difficult to keep coming over from France to attend, so it was down to Lafayette to apply. He said he’d think about it if he got chucked out of CoastWatch for molesting pirates or something. To compensate Florence for failing to lure us on to the college staff we dragged her outside ( a la Philby) and took her photo with us, then we set off back towards the station at Plumpton. Along the way we mooned over some alpacas who were coyly trying to get us to join them in their field since it was the mating season. ( B.T. fancied the chocolate coloured one ; he said it reminded him of all his wives ie. petite dark and sexy). Then after a wait at the station we clambered on the train and smeared all the returning commuters with mud and bad language. It had been a good ramble thanks to Sandyballs’ impeccable navigating and the luck of the NERDS had held for the weather. It had been nice to see B.T. and the Captain again. Next week is The New Forest so let’s hope Froggy isn’t on a secret assignment for his new employers because this is going to be His Show! Bye for Now . Lafayette.