July's First Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 319 – Fri. 1st July 2016.

Those Present – Matt, Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Paco.

The Brexit Ramble.

The People had spoken. The NERDS had been kicked out of the Commonwealth. No more cheap bananas, no more cheap wine or calvados, no more dirty french postcards, no more Polish barmaids. The future looked bleak. Better see if we can all get a different passport so that we can retire to Barbados in due course.

Paco was OK, he was entitled to a Spanish passport. B.T. was born in Dublin so he could claim to be Irish. Curly Clarke and Sandyballs Ryan had impeccable Irish ancestry, so did Matt who was the Irishest of us all. Even Froggy could aspire to a French document (the clue's in his name).That left Lafayette who was as boringly English as St George (who was in fact Turkish) and who would be left on these shores when the rest of the NERDS took flight. Lafayette's maternal grandmother may possibly have been Welsh, but a fat lot of good that would do him when everyone left. Besides which, it always rains in Wales and Lafayette didn't speak the language there.

Since the days of the NERDS were obviously numbered we'd better make the most of the time left and go somewhere nice to celebrate Froggy not having to pay on buses any more.

And so we first took the train to Lewes and then the bus to Isfield where The Laughing Fish beckoned. Sat on the bus and looking out of the window Matt remarked how he wished all rambles were like this ie. no walking, all done on public transport and a pub twenty minutes after starting.

The Laughing Fish was well up to standard with lots of different real ales and an enthusiastic landlord to boot.

The question of payment was divisive. No longer do we have one whip for all, like in the old days; no, now we have one for Laf and S.B.only – the breakaway or brexit whip. Sandyballs mooted that in these days of revolution we should invite B.T. To produce a breakaway/brexit blog but realised he might want to write his own versions of rambles that he had never actually personally attended. OMG! He might actually make up things that never happened – can't have that.

The NERDS settled themselves in a quiet corner

and then Paco dropped his bombshell. He stated that he wanted Perro Negro Bandido

to come on all future rambles and be accorded full NERDS status. Oh dear, such consternation. Nobody was happy; was this against the NERDS' Constitution? NERDS don't mind women and pooftahs (in moderation, of course) but bloody DOGS, oh no, no, no! Paco accused the NERDS of animal discrimination; everyone shifted uncomfortably. Lafayette said he quite liked cats but they were a bit difficult to bring on rambles. Curly said he'd got a pet newt that he'd trod on but it was getting better

, but dogs were tricky. Paco stropped out. “ I think it's disgusting that you lot want to ban Perro Negro Bandido just because he's a dog,” he ranted “ I shall seriously think of stomping off somewhere else and joining a drinking (whoops, I mean rambling) group that loves animals and lets you bring your pets on walks.” So a compromise was reached. Perro Negro Bandido could come on NERDS' rambles as a guest, but not as a full NERD. ( His mom, Imogen could come too). But definitely no cats, parrots, giraffes or warthogs. And especially no newts.

The ramble continued. The weather was dull and shitty. It was cold and most un-July like. We walked along the road through Isfield and came across some very odd characters hanging around the middle of the village. Lots of funny soldiers dressed in red

( Were we in the middle of a terrorist alert?) and a weird pink lady who seemed up for grabs by anyone. Paco in his new role of animal rights champion and chief feminist took it upon himself to try to seduce the pink lady in the middle of the village (see picture)

, but the other NERDS pulled him off her and promised he could have a go with their own pets back at home if he desisted from this awkward display of overt sexuality.

We crossed some fields and ran into a bunch of cows, calves and bulls. Froggy was wearing a Welsh shirt - like bright red it was, and was worried about being attacked for being an England supporter. However, Paco persuaded them not to attack us. (He can talk to the animals, see.) Then we found ourselves at the Anchor at Barkham next to the river where lunch beckoned.

Many years ago the Three Original NERDS had happened upon this pub when they had been in the habit of walking considerable distances.The problem was that they arrived there late in the afternoon after the pub had shut. However there was a very pleasant garden next to the river so these Early NERDS made themselves comfortable and someone had the bright idea of knocking on the pub door and politely asking if they would sell us a bottle of wine. This ploy had actually worked and everyone was content. Shortly after, a group of thirsty cyclists had rolled up and found themselves in the same situation as the NERDS, so they were told what we had done. Unfortunately the owner by this time had got fed up with importuning strangers outside of licensing hours, and had told the cyclists to fuck off as they were disturbing his siesta. But that was all long ago and landlords these days were desperate to lure people within to take their money from them.

The Anchor had raised its standards from yesteryear

and now provided good beer and pretty good, though fairly expensive food.

The NERDS

were conducted to the banqueting suite at the back where they could make more noise. Matt changed his seat so that he could hold court at the head of the table and relegated Froggy to the baby chair at the other end. It was Perro eat perro. Then Froggy arranged a Club Corona for the following week and Matt arranged a Club Aux Scoffers date for the week after that. Such exciting stuff! We now have all these Brexit style splinter groups carving out their independence from the Original NERDS. When do we get Corona and Scoffer teeshirts then? What about the Animal Rights aspect to all this? Can Lafayette bring his pet toad

along?

Fortunately it was time to move on so Sandyballs led out back into the great outdoors and along the pleasant river path back towards Lewes. Through field after field we tramped; the weather getting colder and even more dull. Finally we got to some bus stop where S.B. said this was an opportunity for Froggy to avoid paying his fare again - except there was no bus for a long, long time. Lafayette got fed up and went and bought himself an ice cream. Still no bus came. S.B.'s bus app on his phone didn't seem to be working; it was nearly the next day. Thankfully, about teatime the number 29 from Tonbridge rolled up, and thankfully wasn't full of schoolkids.

The Seaford contingent managed to get a bus back from Lewes so Froggy managed to avoid paying tons of money that day. It was to be a new era for him. A brexit from paying fares. His future looked bright.

So thanks to all who took part and what adventures we'd all had! Next ramble again in July, on the 27th.

That's all for now.

Lafayette.