May's Ramble 25th May 2016

NERDS' Ramble No. 318. 25th May 2016.


Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Curly, Bronco, Paco.

Guests – Imogen and some dog..

The Perro Bandido Negro Ramble.



The NERDS hadn't seen Bronco for a while. He had been hiding his light under a bushel in Ringmer so S.B. decided the next route should be over that way. We could check up on him, see how many new cars he'd smashed etc. and ask him how Crunchy had been keeping.

However Paco threw the NERDS into disarray at the last minute by requesting the presence of a couple of guests including A DOG

Now, the NERDS don't usually have much to do with dogs, we're more pussy lovers (see B.T. who has tons of them)

. There was a ramble many years ago when S.B.'s mate, Mike, was allowed to bring his Perro Sordo who was useless as far as listening out for burglars. Then there was Perro Ciego in Shropshire who was so afflicted he kept banging into the pub furniture while his sighted owner was trying to enjoy a pint. Not to mention Layby Perro Muerto, one of the local beauty spots in Seaford where Philby used to take his afternoon nap. So it was with some trepidation that we encountered Perro Bandido Negro, a large slavering but friendly brute, half rottweiler and half wolverine, who was dragging around Imogen, a DFL mate of Paco's daughter.

We arrived in Lewes

to pick up Sandyballs wherupon Bandido turfed some poor girl off the station bench and insisted on having a selfie with the NERDS

. This took quite a time as Froggy still hasn't worked out how to operate his camera and Bandido kept howling at him to hurry up.

We traversed Lewes and began the long trek up Heart-attack Hill towards the golf club. Our Routemaster inflicts this way on us at least once a year to gauge the general NERDS' fitness. It's a bit like the police having an annual assessment to weed out the obese and unfit officers who are no longer fit for duty. In the NERDS it's keep up or die. There are thousands more candidates who want to join the NERDS; applications are constantly flooding in. Our combined age is such that rather like in a herd of wildebeeste, the sick ones at the back can fall to all sorts of nasty predators, like Death, Destruction and Disease. So watch out Paco and make sure your stents are up to date.

Thankfully, half way up said hill Bandido wanted to stop for another photo session

, again prolonged because of the merciless technology of the Froggy camera. When we resumed, gasping up to the summit we were constantly harrassed by golfers in posh cars who were trying to decimate our numbers. (What did I say about predators?)

Eventually we found ourselves floating carefree over the Downs

with Bandido sniffing at every patch of Perro-wee that he encountered

. Curly kept us fortified with his welcome hip flask full of malt whisky and Froggy told us about the challenge he had taken up from the BBC which required him to read 100 books in 100 days. They had started him off gently on Janet and John Book 2

, and thereafter he was going to attempt Rupert Bear

and even Little Black Sambo

- if this one was still allowed.

We paused awhile for a little dissertation from Sandyballs about the Glyndebourne windmill

. This apparently swings around to show you which direction the wind is coming from as well as glows in the dark to light up your path when you're out cycling at 4 o'clock in the morning. Very useful. Lafayette wondered if it had any other useful functions such as providing electricity for those in Lewes who needed to constantly keep their mobile phones charged.

We descended into Ringmer. It was a pleasant sunny day and as we were a bit early we thought of knocking on Bronco's door and surprising him with a Perro-welcome. Sadly, nobody could remember where he lived other than that it was within walking distance of The Plough, to which we now repaired.

Bronco wasn't there because he probably hadn't even got up yet, so we made ourselves comfortable round a large table

where Bandido kept trying to eat the salt and pepper pots. Paco made some ill judged remark to the effect that the lunch “ was on him” which went down well with everybody, except he had been talking to Imogen. To negate this he had to remove himself “at the speed of light” to the bar to avoid all the hou-ha from his alleged new generosity.

Fortunately at this point Bronco rocked up with a glass of champagne in his hand – such style

, such panache! He was in good spirits as usual although he was a bit disturbed when Bandido started chewing his feet. Bronco said he was really more of a cat person since Crunchy, his horse, had died, and we noticed that his jersey was covered in ginger hairs. “Pussy Hair,” he told us so we averted our gaze although Matt wanted to know which brand of Viagra he was on. Rude Person!

Imogen became NERDS photographer and took lots of snaps because she was technologically adept and Bandido

ate everyone's steak when he thought they weren't looking. Actually the food

and the drink

were of a high standard since The Plough has recently become a gastro pub. Costs a lot, though. Bronco revealed that he actually lunches a lot at “Famiglia” a restaurant in the centre of Lewes because it's cheaper. Sounds a good place to end a ramble, especially if it just starts at the station.

Finally we all said goodbye to Bronco with lots of hugs and kisses

and Bandido weed up his leg as a sign of love and respect. The NERDS all got the bus back to Lewes and carried on drinking – to ward off old age and predators. It had been a real ramble with hills and things

so we weren't really going soft. It's always pleasant to see Bronco, and Imogen and Bandido Negro had been an interesting couple

.

No ramble in June this time as everyone is on hols somewhere, so we now have two set for July. Watch out for announcements from the Routemaster.

Woof, woof.



Lafayette.