February Ramble Joining Instructions

Hi Fellow - Nerds,

This month we ramble on Wednesday 26th.  In view of us having suffered the wettest winter since records began, I thought we would try to avoid the inevitable mud and keep our boots dry until next time. I am thinking mostly of Paco here! Consequently I thought we could revisit an old favourite and take a train to Berwick, walk along the cycle-track and lunch at The Cricketers. A tried and tested formula. There is also the chance to vistr Milf Central ( sans Milfs) on the return leg.

Therefore, Seaford/ Newhaven types take the 10.25/ 10.32 to Lewes. I will meet you at Vics (sans Vic) for a coffee and whatever and we take the 11.09 train to Berwick.

Simples?

SB

Dear NERDS,
Here is a date for your diaries: March 17th will be a St Patrick Day's Ramble. We shall be joined by a gothic American who is closely related to my daughter.
Make sure you're all there.

Lafayette.

Spain Arrangements

Gentlemen,

Paco and I have booked our flights to and from Valencia. We are booked out from Gatters at 09.05 on Tuesday 6th May and return on Saturday 10th. Paco has also booked a car - this time to be picked up at the airport. He has requested a more modest 5-seater estate but we will probably end up with a 48-seat coach!

Happy online booking.

Harry

Spanish Preparation

It occurs to me that members of the NERDS going to Spain should perhaps be classed as yet another sub-group and be given a name. It would make it easier to have another collective email address!

However that is not the point of this message. I would just like to agree the dates so that we can make a flight booking. I think we said we should go on Tuesday 6th May - Monday not a good idea as it is a Bank Holiday. Personally I am OK with staying 4 nights, coming back on Friday 9th (Europe Day - whatever that is!)

Any dissenting voices?

Harry (aka Sandyballs)

February Ramble arrangements

Dear All,

We failed to set a date for the February ramble during our last expedition - must have been the distraction of all those girlies.......Anyway I am suggesting that we next walk on Wednesday 26th. Hopefully the later the date, the nearer we might be to some of that early Spring weather. Any problems with that for anyone we can, as usual, be flexible.

Sandyballs

January 2014 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 290 - 8th January 2014.

Joint NERDS/Darkside Ramble.


Those Present:


NERDS – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Paco.


Darksiders – Sheila, Jane, Marion, Ed, Dave,


Mystery Guest - ?????


Well, what a special day for the NERDS! A chance to mingle at last with some girlies and find out a) what they look like, b) what they actually do and c) whether they drink or not.


This was an experiment put forward by Lafayette to amalgamate his favourite rambling group (The NERDS) with his second favourite group (The Darkside) and see whether they got on OK and didn't just go on about how many Nigerians they'd knocked off in their respective spectacular careers etc.


The grand meeting took place at Lewes station where the NERDS looked distrustfully at the Gatwick lot. What were they doing down here on our territory? Didn't they usually stick to the posh parts of Surrey with its expensive pubs and lah di dah wine bars?Maybe they would look down on us as they were all Inspectors or CIOs and most NERDS were (or had been ) just humble IOs. But eventually tensions eased, kisses where exchanged and Lafayette even got a birthday card and some nice chocolate from Sheila that he thought he might keep all to himself (ha, ha, fat chance).


So, rules of engagement having been established, the NERDS welcomed their Mystery Guest who turned out to be Shaz, ex Newhaven, but who had not been allowed to join the NERDS in her time there cos she was a girlie and Rule No.2 expressly forbade that. Shaz had managed to show some sense and had quitted Newhaven long ago to take up more rewarding employment like arranging marriages or depriving various maniacs of their firearms before they could do any real damage (viz Hungerford Flynn).


So the group now being complete Lafayette led them all off to Berwick where the plan was to do a short walk (not a long one like the Gatwick maniacs usually indulged in) and to go round the Arlington reservoir to er.. Arlington. Sandyballs had come properly equipped for the mud with a pair of wellingtons which his mom had sent him out in, while Paco had decided on his best pair of Gucci loafers which he thought were more appropriate for the hazards ahead.


First casualty was Shaz going through a muddy gateway and falling to her knees.( Good job she'd brought a dress and a spare pair of suspenders to change into later). The ground underfoot was pretty treacherous but this was to be part of the major entertainment that day. Lafayette decided to play safe and skirt the reservoir on its south side where there was lots of concrete so as to minimise puddles and shit and stuff. This worked quite well until we got to the final stile and where everyone had to execute spectacular dives one way or another to avoid getting sucked down and disappearing into the vile quagmire.


Across some fields we went until we got to the famous B.T. Balancing Bridge where the present holder of the title (now comfortably retired on his reputation in France) had on two occasions jaywalked on the parapet of the bridge at great risk to life and limb simply to show that drunkeness is no bar to being a complete dick-head. However the girlies present were all quite impressed with Lafayette's account of this great feat and he promised to write to B.T in France to ask him to return to give a repeat performance next Christmas – but this time naked on rollerskates.


And so to The Yew Tree at Arlington where the usual warming atmosphere prevailed and where much to Froggy's delight the long table had been put at our disposal for lunch. The menu was vast and it was a pleasure to simply contemplate it and work out how much cheaper meals were here than in Surrey. Lafayette made friends with the non-pub nymphomaniac cat, a creature of a lovely fawn colour, that sought to avail itself of the comforts of the Yew Tree when it got bored rolling around on the road outside.


Soon we got stuck into the excellent meal- that is when we could persuade Paco to stop reading the football reports in Ed's Sun and make polite conversation. Lafayette was torn between which organisation to favour from a pecuniary point of view. You see, the NERDS have a whip round and the Darkside collect a kitty (not a nymphomaniac one). Ah, but the kitty comes with someone who fetches and carries, the Ever Treasured Ed, whereas the NERDS just quarrel about who has the biggest baron in their family and usually the service is a bit patchy. Guess which one Lafayette went for.


Lunch was excellent and we were joined by The Landlord, Peter, who placed a free bottle of Shiraz on the table, recommended it, and invited our opinions. The bottle of Shiraz disappeared like a lump of bloody meat tossed into a pool of pirahnas. Yes, we did approve it and to show our appreciation ordered a few more bottles - just until we'd got used to the taste.


Next was the dessert. Now Lafayette knows all about desserts and especially those from this particular pub. The flavour of the month for him was a large portion of belgian icecream with a minature of Baileys chucked over the top. In fact this was so nice that Lafayette went back for another one, and was nearly challenged by Sandyballs to take a third , but even Sandyballs didn't want Lafayette being sick all over the table.


Sheila read all our horoscopes and we revelled in all the promises of illicit love, riches and Mercury intertwining with Venus's conjunctions – and then promptly forgot the lot. Matt proposed a meeting of his Club Corona the following week, and we had to explain the meaning of all that (how embarrassing!). Enthusiasm for everything became so great that Froggy had declared his intention to resume work at Newhaven, and Matt was going to take the plunge and go to Gatwick to supplement his meagre pension by going back on the desk. Such are the alcohol fuelled ambitions of daft NERDS. Foodwise it was obviously a success since Marion seemed to leave everything (5: 2 diet), and Jane ate everything including the Snickers pudding which Lafayette had managed to overlook.


We staggered out of the pub, rediscovered the nympho cat, said goodbye and thanks to Peter for his hospitality and set off up the road back to Berwick hoping to encounter less mud and stuff than going back over the fields. Somehow or other we ended up in a pub near Berwick station known by the NERDS as Milf Central – because every time we go there it's being run by a different Milf. Some of them are sexy and some are bleeding ugly; but this month's Milf was called Ashley and she was OK. We sat around, had a little drink or two and scoffed most of Lafayette's Toblerone. Then we managed to get the right train in the right direction and ended up in The Lansdowne Arms in Lewes.


Those who were feeling a bit sleepy pushed off home during this interlude leaving the hardcore (Mostly NERDS, it must be said) to empty both the whip and the kitty, and to reminisce about what a fabulous job we had all been in and how much we missed it, and how today's IOs couldn't string two words together and had no idea what they were doing etc. etc.........


So, it seemed to have been reasonably successful, this meeting of great minds, this cultural exchange, this inter-denominational piss-up, and we resolved to do it all over again some time in the summer when it wasn't quite so muddy. Special thanks must go to both Shaz and Dave (sounds like a band) for travelling from afar to see us; to Ed the Treasure for his sevice and financial management; to Sheila for Lafayette's birthday present, and to all the good looking NERDS who attended and all the ugly ones who didn't. And to all the Darksiders who are all good looking all the time.


Bye for now.


Lafayette.

January 2014 Joining Instructions

Dear NERDS,
The next ramble will be a joint excursion with the Gatwick Darkside (Yes, there will be real girlies amongst us for a change) and will be on Wednesday January 8th.
We shall meet at Lewes at 10 30hrs, but buy a return ticket to Berwick because we shall proceed there on the 11 09 train from Lewes.

Happy New Year to all and see you on the 8th.
Lafayette.

Christmas 2013 Ramble

NERDS' Christmas Ramble 12th Dec. 2013.

Those Present – Matt, Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Paco, The Captain.

What Happened On The Ramble.

Sandyballs had decided to bring a little glamour and culture into the poor, deprived lives of the NERDS and had booked Christmas Lunch at Stanmer House at Falmer. This was a posh stately home whose history was a bit obscure [actually constructed by French architect Nicolas Dubois in 1722] but which had developed into an A1 eating and drinking place not far from the university of Sussex.

Lafayette set off from his hovel in Newhaven looking forward to seeing a place where classy people formerly lived and hoping to mix with classy NERDS such as the Captain (who throughout the day kept referring to himself as “working class”(!)). However from the start Lafayette was not having much luck at the station. First off he couldn't get a ticket – Newhaven railway staff being too idle to open their office, and secondly when the train arrived some of the doors failed to open so poor Lafayette had to squeeze on with all the horrible smelly students.

Joining the carriage full of horrible smelly NERDS, Lafayette found himself surrounded by people pining to go back to Gatwick where they could pretend to be I.O.s once more (at a major airport, not just some bad excuse for a port such as Newhaven) He got on just as Captain was spinning some yarn to a fascinated SB. and El Paco about how he had cleverly got the American CEO of a large multi-national company to admit he was really a working holiday maker, and had thus been RLE for being non conducive to badgers' welfare (or something). Lafayette sought to break up this interesting tale by suggesting theNERDS held a raffle to supply one of their kidneys to Bronco so that he could come on the next Christmas bash rather than having to be dyalisised all the time. Surprisingly, there did not seem to be a lot of support for this altruistic action. Dog eat dog in the NERDS!

At Lewes, after Lafayette had stood in a queue for twenty minutes to honestly buy his ticket, Sandyballs popped up and dragged us up to The Brewers Arms for a committee meeting and for meticulous (mean with postage) people to dish out Christmas cards.

Here over a few pints of dark stuff the Captain was voted Cord of The Year (by Matt), for inspiring all the rave parties they held among the Seaford Glitterati. (wife/partner swapping, cocaine snorting, lavish spending of money etc.). Lafayette wished he could join in the fun but there wasn't a Newhaven branch and he was income barred from applying to join the smart Seaford set, (oh, dear).

Froggy was wearing his super red jumper with the Father Christmas nipple pull – ring this when you want another drink,so we kept ringing it..... and he told us that he had naked pictures of a friend's daughter on his Facebook account to while away the long boring evenings when there were no Cords parties taking place in Seaford (Lafayette was madly jealous that Froggy had been invited to these bunga-bunga sessions and not himself).

And so it was soon time to wend our way to Falmer for lunch – except that Matt and Lafayette got distracted looking in some sex shop in Lewes and nearly missed the train. Lafayette had wanted a nipple pull ring like Froggy's and thought that Matt was the ideal expert to advise and help him choose.

Stanmer House ...ah, Stanmer House,

 once home to the aristocracy of Sussex where the rich gambled away their family fortunes and indulged in unimaginable depravities (a bit like the Cords). The walls of the house were hung with imposing portraits of lordly ancestors, there were beautifully bound books on every shelf, there were languid women bedecked with silk pashmenas draped over every couch and the beer was over £4 a pint! We knew we had finally arrived at the pinacle of society. No dirty scrabblings in the rear bar of the Seven Sisters, or sordid discussions about insurance payouts, this was real class.

The place was packed. It hadn't been like this a couple of years previously when we had come. There were five rooms of posh people sitting around reading The Tatler and discussing what colour Barbour young Peregrine would be wearing at Annabell's coming out party. We were eventually located at our table in room 5, the one furthest away from the loo, on a table that had definitely seen better days but the atmosphere was jolly and convivial. The waitresses were young, sexy and wore short black skirts. The table opposite was composed of unhinged academics including a lady with a lush moustache (I kid you not) and so Christmas lunch began.

It had been an inspired choice of venue and menu by Sandyballs and we were treated to a glass of prosecco and various amuse-gueules to titillate our taste buds before the main courses. Most of us had turkey except S.B. who had steak with a supplement and the captain who had pork. The standard was excellent. Paco managed to avoid waving his arms about and upsetting everyone's drinks and it was left to Froggy to spread Paco's beer all over the table and disgrace himself. Captain amused us with tales of Old Newhaven Port including the eccentricities of Bob Jeffery and his son, The Dauphin. This was all before Lafayette's time and he got the impression it had all been a port where lunatics reigned and IOs would dye their hair before getting shafted by The Shining Light. (what a place!).

Matt fell into a fit of despair after having measured his todger with the tape measure he had got out of his cracker and retired early. The rest us got stuck into Christmas pudding and the like, and glasses were raised to Bronco who couldn't be with us, and the Bish who was helping to subsidise everyone's meal (God bless them every one).We all ordered coffees and brandies and ended up being served vast Irish type coffees which is not quite what we had wanted but which were so good we each had another! Food and drink excellent here, service good too and the place was so classy you could literally smell the money wafting about.

Next, Lafayette's notes record him sitting in The Lansdowne Arms drinking mulled wine - the bit before this was a tad vague. Paco took a liking to someone's small dog and was crawling round the floor patting it, Sandyballs was swaying somnolently and Froggy was telling everybody the story of his life. So it looked like it had been a good day. Congrats to Sandyballs for the organisation and to all those who came (or who paid and didn't - hee, hee).

Froggy is hoping to organise a pub crawl in Eastbourne again next week – so watch this space and Happy Christmas all you NERDS!

Lafayette.

January 2014 Ramble

Dear NERDS,
Jan ramble will be with Gatwick Darksiders on Wednesday 8th Jan.
Lunch will be at Pete's Place ie. the Yew Tree at Arlington.
Can you let me know if you will be there or not, as soon as possible as I want to make a realistic booking. (You can tell me tomorrow if you like).
Lafayette.

Last minute instructions

Hope we all going to enjoy tomorrow's "ramble". We will be 6 at table as the Bish is not well and cannot join us. I have advised Stanmer House and hopefully we can get Tony's deposit back.

Weather looks fair - should be a great day!

See y'all at Lewes station.

Sandyballs

Dear Fellow NERDS,

This month's 'Ramble' is, as you know, on Thursday 12th at the NERDS -approved Stanmer House. We will be 7 at table. Should have been 8 to include Bronco. I was in contact with him and he was very keen to join us and went so far as to give me his menu choices.  He then realised that Thursdays he has to go to hospital for dialysis. Pity.

Anyway, if Seaford and Newhaven types take the 09.55 from Seaford, I will meet you (suitably festively coutured one hopes) at Lewes station. It was my original intention to go straight to The Swan at Falmer for a couple of lemonade shandies prior to the short stroll across the park. However The Swan does not open until 12 noon - yes, Froggy I do check sometimes! - so Plan B. We will walk from Lewes station to The Brewers ( opens at a sensible 10 AM)  for the aforementioned shandies.

Then some choices. We can either take a bus to Falmer (the 28 or 29) or walk back to the station to take the train. We can then perhaps visit The Swan for another mildly alcoholic drink containing lemonade prior to the stroll to our lunchtime destination.

So, a day return ticket to Falmer, festive clothing and lots of money!

Sandyballs

November 2013 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 288 - 13^th Nov. 2013.

Those Present – Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, Paco, The Bish.

The Wild Boar Ramble.

Today was going to be a mystery ramble so that a) no-one would know where we were going; b) nobody could check up whether the lunch time pub would be open or selling beer or had not been burnt down for insurance purposes etc. etc. and c) because Sandyballs just liked being awkward.

We had the two Gatwick mercenaries with us this time so together with the Bish we managed to make up a quorum, and the journey to Lewes from Seaford managed to pass without incident – even Paco managed to get the right day [let alone the right train] (!!!). At Lewes everyone found they were short of money so had to cluster round the hole in the wall to stop the others reading their pin number and emptying their account (fat chance).

So, topped up with new funds the NERDS hung around the bus stop outside Waitrose for a 29 bus.

During this brief sojourn a little old lady slid up to Paco and tried to engage him in conversation. She had obviously just seen him go to the cash point and knew he was loaded. While she was chatting merrily to him she brushed a hair from his collar and neatly removed his wallet from his person. Luckily Lafayette saw this and shouted a warning, whereupon the little old lady did a rapid bunk and fled back to her Armenian protector. Paco had thought she was a working girl for those of mature tastes which was why he was busy negotiating a good rate with her. Good job Lafayette can spot reprobates at a fair distance – that's why he got promoted!

And so on to the 29 bus, but where next? Lafayette had the temerity to ask where we were bound and Sandyballs revealed the NERDS were bound for the famous village of Boars Head. “What nonsense,” quoth Sandyballs “There's no such place called Boars Head, do you think we're all mad?” “Oh yes there is.” replied S.B.

“From where do you think they get all the wild boar sausages in Sussex?

Lafayette had this mental image of a small village where people rode around on horses all the time playing at sticking pigs on the end of lances like he used to do in Pakistan. He wondered if he could get a part time job there – sounded exciting.

Anyway, through the lovely Sussex countryside we travelled. The weather was bright and sunny and the NERDS were on the top deck of the bus looking down into all the posh people's gardens.

Froggy was being oblivious to all this beauty, however, since he was busy being bus sick and spewing all over the rest of the passengers. You just can't take him anywhere! “ We could have gone to Arundel for the money I spent on this bus ticket”, he wailed. The rest of the NERDS all smirked inside – they all had bus passes and didn't have to pay, ho, ho.

After a bit of route titting about along Wild Boar Road ( no sign of any pig sticking yet) Sandyballs led us off into an extensive apple orchard where there were loads of apples growing (how strange!).

Lafayette was a bit concerned as he knew that wild boars liked eating apples and he didn't want to meet any unless he was armed with a lance or else a very large rifle. Luckily the wild life around seemed to consist only of a bunch of pissed wasps. There was a small pit stop where The Bish tried out some of his Chinese sherry on us (not too bad at all) and then we threaded our way through the orchard into the open country side.

Here the views were magnificent. Sweeping green fields and lush hills greeted us. Down, down we went.

Paco hadn't got any boots because he had poorly feet so was slithering round in Gucci loafers that he had borrowed from Froggy.  In years past this is the point that Philby would have covered his feet in freeTesco plastic bags.  We went into a wood and got muddy, then went up a track and got even muddier. Turning right we espied a farmer who kindly told us the correct route to take. Lafayette asked him when the pigging season started but he said they had all already been shot and turned into sausages but if he came next year they might give him a job.

On, on we went; along a valley following a stream then back up a muddy hill to test those with slippery, fancy shoes. The sun beat down, everything was green and lovely and we were looking forward to lunch.

 We picked our way through the orchard keeping out a wary eye for rogue boars which might have escaped that season's cull and were seeking revenge. Finally we got to the local pub (guess what? – The Boars Head) and settled down in front of the smoking wood fire.

What a pleasant place! The landlord was friendly and so was his wife. The food was excellent and the Harveys was very well kept. It was definitely a NERDS approved pub in every respect. It's amazing that you can buy a really nice pub after spending your career chasing a few pigs around. Although the landlord did say he had had a hand in founding Virgin with Richard Branson so maybe  he already had a bob or two.

After lunch The NERDs got back on the bus to go back to Lewes and Froggy was nauseous again (too much pig stew) or maybe it was just the smell of Paco's cigars wafting everywhere. (Now Paco's earning money again he's indulging his favourite hobby).

Into The Volunteer pub at Lewes where Sandyballs suddenly started moaning what a crap place it was. Well, I suppose it didn't have the class of The Boars Head and it was a bit rough, but c'mon, it serves NERDS and it's not too far from the station.

However Sandyballs could not be placated so we decamped to The John Harvey and got all warm and cosy and didn't really want to go home but I suppose we did eventually.

It had been a good ramble on a really nice day to a really nice pub and we had all had a good time (Apart from Sandyballs in The Volunteer) so good Routemastering. Next Ramble is the Christmas one and local intelligence suggests we will be joined by Bronco (minus horse). Then the January one will take place on January 8^th and will be a joint venture with the Darkside from Gatwick again.

Should be fun if all the Gatwick girlies get pissed again!

See you soon,

Lafayette.

Joining Instructions for November 2013

This month we walk on Wednesday 13th. We discussed before that as we have almost exhausted the local permutations of local walks we will have to go further afield. Bit like the Gatwick Dark Side - but without the women!

Anyway, this is a NEW ramble and will be a MYSTERY DESTINATION. It will also involve a day return train ticket to Lewes and the use of your BUS PASS.  Enough capital letters already.

If NERDs (sorry) can get the 09.25 (Paco that is the early one!) from Seaford central and I will meet you outside Lewes station.

Sandyballs

Christmas Arrangements

Here are Sandyballs's Christmas arrangements, already.  However, it's not yet Halloween!

All,

I have booked our lunch at Stanmer House for Thursday December 12 at 13.00 hrs. The idea is that we take a train to Falmer and then have a couple of lemonades at The Swan (venue of a NERDS ramble many, many years ago) then take the short walk across Stanmer Park.

I have paid £60 deposit for all of us. We need to give our choices nearer the time

I agree with Froggy - Malcolm (Bronco) do please join us!I will amend the booking to include you.

Sandyballs

Future Dates

The dwindling band (all 3 of us) enjoyed a good ramble in the dappled autumn sunshine yesterday. We collectively decided on the ramble dates for November and the December Xmas ramble.

November will take place on Wednesday ( no more Gatwick -hurrah!) 13th.

 Xmas ramble on THURSDAY December 12th. For the latter I hope to be booking a table for the Xmas dinner at Stanmer House. We have previously graced this place with our presence twice before and a good time was had by all. The 3 course lunch is priced at a modest £21.95 and includes (I think) a free glass of Prosecco. This will be a short ramble on tarmac so Nerds can leave their heavy, mud-caked walking boots behind and dress in their best threads.

Now I would like to book the table early so would appreciate early replies/ expressions of interest. There is a £10 per head deposit to be paid. I do not mind paying this for you, in advance of future reimbursement of course, if you are CERTAIN that you will be attending. Look forward to hearing from you. I will take silence as a negative response.

Cheers

Harry/ SB

2013 October's Write up

NERDS' Ramble No. 287. 14th October 2013.

The Diminished NERDS Ramble.

Those Present: Sandyballs, Froggy, Lafayette.

Again there was a dearth of NERDS for this ramble due largely to it not yet being Christmas and so no prospect of presents or a visit from Santa Claus. Poor NERDS!

Paco was working his fingers to the bone trying to identify Mystery Ghanaian Shoppers with forged passports ( Ha, ha, as if.....). Matt was still off a-cruising and everyone else was “busy”so it was down to a small, select band of three to do the ramble.

The day dawned brightish yet dullish; it was sort of warmish yet coolish and the NERDS were readyish if not at full strengthish. And Sandyballs had a plan.

But first we had to meet at chez Vic on Lewes Station.

First shock was that the dwarf ginger lady, who was very friendly and obviously fancied Froggy, declined to serve us brandies with our coffees. We told her we were all over 18, but she said she could see that and that wasn't actually the issue. Alkohol Sirven Bevor Ten Hunderd Ours vos Verboten. ( It was 0955hrs). So we played around with our coffees and then got Froggy over to promise her a shag sometime if only she'd give us some brandy quick because we were all dying for a drink and our train was going in five minutes....

It worked . We got our brandies, caught the train and Froggy left behind yet another pining female whom he'd seduced with false promises.....
And so on to Berwick. We checked out the Berwick Arms (from the outside cos it wasn't open yet) and thought it looked a bit deserted with no sign of Milfs or any other form of life. So not much chance of a drink there either.

Sandyballs unfurled his map and led us over the fields.

It was pleasant, autumny weather and not too muddy; we walked in the direction of er... somewhere, like back to Lewes but almost came out near the Barley Mow on the A27.... but not quite. Down a lane past a Kangeroo sign (kangeroo sign?) and then over lots of pleasant fields, some with sheep in them and some with no sheep in them just to make a change.

One had a ram in it who looked as if he might be prepared to defend his poor flock against NERD depradations, but took one look at Froggy's new Bear Gryll's style coat, turned tail and fled.

After lots of skirting hedges, getting a bit lost and wondering where lunch was ( Sandyballs refused to enlighten us) we gathered we were sort of heading for Ripe because there was a church there and we could see the steeple. We crossed a funny field where the grass was really smooth like on a bowling green, but where the farmer was employing two large tractors to rip it up and stack it up as turf. Maybe he was planning to sell it to posh people in Pakistan to refurbish their back-garden cricket pitches (if you've ever batted, bowled or fielded on a dry Pak. cricket pitch you'll know why). Anyway, whatever....

Finally we found ourselves walking up the long road to The Yew Tree at Chalvington.

Lafayette thought this pub looked a little familiar and then remembered. He and S.B. had visited it during the summer (purely for medicinal reasons ) and had sat in the garden watching all the local nannies playing with their delightful children. However we were narrowly beaten to the front door by a colonely looking Old Fart in a big daimler which seemed to indicate the clientele around that area.
Lafayette also recognised the pub by its flag floors and by the fact he had once about fifteen years ago tried to smoke a cigarette through his navel in the very room in which he was now standing (just don't ask...). It was a warm and welcoming pub. The locals all sat infront of the fire and grinned toothlessly at us – they knew what was probably going to happen next.

Lafayette was suddenly transported to another land where lots of Milfs were playing cricket on a green and pleasant pitch and where he was in to bat and where a particularly good looking Milf with long legs was trying to get him to knock the ball into her pram. “ we knew that you and all your friends were coming to our village green this morning,” the Milf said in a soft voice “And we thought we'd put on a show for you since you seem to like our kind.” “ Oh , yes,” thought Lafayette, “You and mermaids are my favourites.” This pleasant vision was disturbed by a rough hand shaking his shoulder. “ Wake up, you daft bastard,” he heard Sandyballs say impatiently. “You've just banged your head on one of the roof beams and nearly spilt all your drink.” The locals cackled toothlessly and Laf. vowed to walk around like Quasimodo for the rest of the time he was in the pub.

The food looked good and Froggy was elected official Quazi for the day to give him the privilege of fetching and carrying.

In fact the food was very good and so was the beer, and the landlord, Rett, or something was a very considerate old cove who told Lafayette he would be happy to keep his Milfs in the pub over the winter so they wouldn't get wet. (As you may have guessed, Laf. wasn't yet firing on all cylinders and was still getting a distorted view of reality) – unlike his write-up which are always the strict truth.

The other two Diminished NERDS amused themselves by playing 51st parallel games with their knives and forks. viz. You can't come over my side of the table because that's contravening my bit of space ie. “No Passaran.” but I can come over your part of the table because your spoon isn't in my way. ie. I can pinch your chips and you can't retaliate. Sadly, we had to leave this nice pub with its sympatico landlord and head off once again into the countryside.

We traversed some roads, some fields, a bit of a wood and then half a mile down a straight, straight road could be seen the station and The Berwick Arms. Open at last! We piled in; it looked a bit sparse; but at least it sold beer and had a nice fire with armchairs infront of it.

There was another new landlord and unfortunately there wasn't a Milf to be seen so Lafayette descended into a doze and dreamt a little. The others sat around, set new dates, drew up agendas, organised the NERDS' Christmas Onesie Party and generally made themselves useful. Then, hoping for a train full of mini-skirted schoolgirls they hurtled out of the pub to get the train back to Lewes.

Sadly the train was both Milfless and schoolgirlless so the NERDS settled for drink. “Let's go to The Kings Head in Southover,” suggested S.B. “The barmaids there are always cracking.” and so they were.

The afternoon one was shapely with long dark hair and welcomed three pissed-up NERDS with a gorgeous smile. Her relief on the evening shift was quite tall with long blonde hair and a very pleasant manner. Both of them were at least old enough to be our granddaughters.

And so another ramble came to an end. Despite there being only three Depleted NERDS it had been a success. The route, although a bit long had been very interesting and rural. The pub in Chalvington was in the increasingly rare “NERDS Approved” category, so thanks to Sandyballs for his organising it.

It'll soon be Christmas – really looking forward to The Onesie Party. Hope I can get a costume with a tail on it! Lafayette.

Final October joining instructions

Dear NERDS,

After some confusion and deliberation it has been agreed by nearly all that we shall stick to the original plan and walk on Monday 14th. Details to follow!

There may well be just 3 of us - unless Mike and Tony decide to join us?

Sandyballs

October's Joining Instructions

All,

Froggy has asked that we take another look at the prospective date for the October ramble, Monday 14th, so we can accommodate Matt . I do not mind but for me that only means Friday 25th or Monday 28th. It also probably involves Paco getting a duty swap. Any thoughts anyone? Or should we just stick with 14th?

By the way Croatia was great and Dubrovnik was awesome!

Sandyballs

September 2013

NERDS' Ramble No. 286.  23^rd Sept. 2013.

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco.

The Very Close Thing Ramble.

It was September, the weather was still warm and sunny, and the emergent NERDS had put themselves once again in the hands of their amazingly competent routemaster, Sandyballs. The latter had never got us lost, never got into a strop when things had faltered, and, more importantly, had always managed to deliver us to watering holes and lunch places intact. Would he be able to maintain the high standards which he had consistently set for himself and on which his reputation hung? Vamos a ver!

Matt was still chatting up rich widows on cruises, hoping to increase his already swollen bank accounts, so we had no real knowledge of his whereabouts – not even a postcard – mean bastard!  However Paco had managed to tear himself away from Meryl  Lynch's by saying he was just slipping out to buy some shares, and might just take over Barclays or somewhere while he was out. So the NERDS this day were four – enough of us to get into trouble.

Most of us met up on the train where Paco introduced us to his new best friend, someone called Shuna (?) who was not to be allowed on the ramble because of NERDS' Rules Nos. 1 and 2.

( and because she unfortunately qualified on both counts). Having got over these tricky hurdles, we alighted at Lewes where Sandyballs met us and said he had a magnificent ramble organised and that nothing could possibly go wrong to spoil our day.

It all started off very well with a snifter (well, two actually) taken in The Brewers Arms, a pub famous for being the only one in the world to open its doors to NERDS at 10. 00hrs in the morning.

Sandyballs informed us that the previous evening he had finally paid off the mortgage on his ranch style, split level etc. etc. residence, but had decided to carry on working at the other airport. This was because he had recently set his sights on buying Richard Branson's carribean island off him, and even with no more mortgage to pay, he felt that every little bit extra he earned might one day put him up in the Dumpling Dwyer class of money-grabbing misers and finally get him within the pages of the Sunday Times Rich List. Sympathy from the NERDS was scant – all they were bothered about was would he buy us a free drink. (In the cause of natural justice it has to be said that he did – but not here.)

Anyway, our skillful routemaster finally broke off from his financial musings and led his underlings up past the old Meridian pub (sadly no longer there), up past Lewes prison and further up towards the infinite upness of the Downs.

“Moan, moan, moan,” went the NERDS; “ Why are we being taken in the direction of up when all the eaty and drinky bits of Lewes are situated nearer sea level. But Sandyballs, ever resourceful , had a plan.

As previously mentioned , it was a pleasant, sunny day.

We passed over the old race course and watched the rich people having their horses exercised by some minions at the stables there. We chatted to a couple of cyclists who claimed to have seen Wiggo on his last mad dash to win the recent Tour de Britain, and then got a bit lost (but not too much) and were led by Sandyballs downwards (thank God!)  to another pub he knew that would serve us a magnificent lunch as a finale to what he considered to be the most fantastic ramble he had ever taken us on.

“Good job,” thought the NERDS, “we're all starving after this unaccustomed climbing exercise and we're really looking forward to lunch.” So, down, down we proceeded on a sun- lit, dappled path where Lafayette suddenly smelled great danger. Spotting  a vicious looking creature he had seen lurking on a low hanging branch ready to bite unwary NERDS and being the hero that he is (remember the shipwrecks and other er... stuff)  Lafayette saw immediately the danger that his companions were in from a huge stripy anaconda that also wanted its lunch and was ready to squeeze the life from any one of them. Boldly Lafayette threw himself on the deadly serpent and after a herculean struggle managed to subdue it and thereby save the day.

What a hero! What  strength! and what consideration for his fellow NERDS, to have saved their lives in this unselfish way!

Buoyed up by the cheers of the other NERDS Lafayette bowed modestly and said he hoped that Sandyballs would treat him to a special lunch to reward him for his sterling efforts. A grateful Sandyballs promised him the most magnificent meal that his wallet could provide ( a very big meal, then), just as soon as they reached the Chalkpit Pub where he planned to surprise us with its culinary delights.

Eager and hungry, the NERDS staggered down the main road, round the bend and saw the welcome sight of a Sussex pub just ahead. Goodness, we were all tired and done-in now. Oh, how happy we were to see somewhere to put up our feet and rest awhile and partake of the sumptuous meal promised by our leader.

There was just one slight snag..... the pub was closed. A notice over the drive-way bore witness to this miserable fact and it was plain the NERDS would get no dinner here. Just as we turned to Sandyballs ready to mildly criticise him for this minor mishap, our trusty leader spoke “ Don't worry,” he said soothingly, “we can always go to The Blacksmiths Arms which is just round the next corner and but a few brief yards away.”

And so, once again loyally putting our trust in organisational skills of the Routemaster, we followed his lead and dragged our weary bodies back along the main road with the blind faith that this small blip in our happiness would not blight the rest of the day nor our lunch which we were getting more and more ready for.

At last The Blacksmiths Arms hove into view. My God, we were tired! By Jove, we were hungry! But what was this? Instead of sweet cooking smells and the scent of Harvey's beer ready to oil our parched throats, sights and sounds came there none. The Blacksmiths Arms was as dead as not only The Chalkpit but the pub in Pevensey which Froggy had forgotten to check was open last month.

Furious at such a gross disappointment, and starving beyond measure, the NERDS were about to kill Sandyballs in an extremely nasty and violent way, bury him face down on his caribbean island and make Froggy our trusted and capable leader instead because even he had fucked up the lunch pub only once on a ramble.

“ Never mind,” squeaked a severely embarrassed Sand balls, “ I knew this would happen all along so trust me, I've got a plan C.

We can go down into Lewes and go to The Elephant and Castle, that's always open. (I hope).” The rest of the NERDS had had enough. They threw Sandyballs to the ground, bound him with nettle plants and barbed wire, and dragged him behind us, bumpety bump, down the hill towards where the alleged open pub was.

Very, very, very fortunately The Elephant was open, and more importantly still dispensing food and drink so the NERDS forgave Sandyballs, especially after he had bought us all a mortgage drink, and finally got their lunch.

It must be said that The Elephant did a magnificent array of exotic beefburgers (and chips), and a lot of different, interesting beers, so it had been a very close thing but the day was saved from being a total disaster.

“I expect whoever does the write-up will have a lot to talk about.” said Sandyballs innocently, as he was driven off home by his dutiful wife. “Not fucking half,” thought Lafayette to himself; and so, Dear Readers, I swear to you, every word of this account is God's honest truth, (especially the bit about Lafayette being a hero and fighting off the anaconda).

So thanks to all who took part, and also to Him Who dragged Victory so very nearly out of the Jaws of Defeat.

Paco's sister seems to think we can go to her house in Spain again next year so a great big NERDS kiss to her.

Adios.

Lafayette.

September 2013 Joining Instructions

This month we walk on MONDAY 23rd. Another mystery ramble!
If NERDS can get the 09.55 from Seaford I will meet you outside Lewes station.
 Paco may not be joining us as he may have onerous duties at Gatwick. Hopefully we can catch Matt between cruises..

Harry (Sandyballs)