Ramble number 20 —Tuesday 28.2.90
Participants:- Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, Felipe, Tonker, Maid Marian.
The day started on a dramatic note when Sandyballs received an early morning phone call from the Managing Director of Fray Bentos accusing him of illegal consumption of one of his products. Sandyballs thought this was a load of pie in the sky but nevertheless, terrified at the thought of an Argentiinian death squad arriving at his house t rub him out, immediately telephoned Rent-a -Diplomat and requested assistance. Lafayette, who was trying to eke out his pitiful language allowance and who was moonlighting for the said company, was despatched to pour oil on troubled waters. He ended up with sore and chapped w3workaday hands and has vowed since that he and Sandyballs will become vegetarians!
Things then went from bad to worse for the ramble with half the NERDS crying off because of suspected food-poisoning, domestic strife or just a general unwillingness to get up on a wet February morning. Nevertheless a quorum of hard-core types was assembled chez Sandyballs and bundles into Matt’s car to set out to meet Tonker Toms who, as this months organiser, was due to guide us round some obscure part of Sussex.
On arrival at Withyham we found that our guide seemed to have swapped his luscious wife of the night before for a new Caledonian girlfriend who seemed vaguely familiar to those participants of Ramble No:14. She har last been seen carrying Donut Dennett’s cool-box around and acting as (almost) sole rep from Gatwick. Maid Marian (for ’twas she) quickly rejected her supposed role as Tinker’s aide de camp and stated firmly that she was her own mistress and would outdrink us all at the first pub we came to. (Fair enough, we thought, if we’ve got to have a woman along she might as well be a boozer. Who knows what she’ll do after a few pints, heh! heh!).
So off we went into the driving rain. Tonker sett a crippling pace which took poor Felipe quite by surprise and left him a good half a mile adrift. Evidently he was musing about whether to try out a new career as a barrister in view of his recent outstanding legal success. Meanwhile Lafayette had come across the remains of a dead rambler lying in the middle of a field and was insisting on being photographed while giving him a decent burial. However the stench from poor Yorick’s skull quickly put an end to such altruistic intentions.
We were led through woods, around race tracks, up hills, down dales and through mud. Sandyballs, it is well known hates mud. He hates getting wet even more and treated us all to a delicate and unsuccessful balancing act while changing his trousers in the middle of the road. Not a good idea this. The NERDS fell about with helpless laughter while Maid Marian had to be physically restrained from throwing herself on Sandyballs in sheer lust. (Jim’s been away a long time). Eventually the contortions were finished so we chucked a bucket of water over M.M. and got under way again.
Stopping briefly to play “Pooh-sticks” at a famous bridge in the Ashdown Forest, Felipe and Sandyballs had to give up almost immediately because they had both left their glasses behind and couldn’t distinguish between their twigs and the local brand of effluent which was lazily drifting downstream. Felipe kept trying vainly to uncork the wine he had brought along for elevenses but Tonker hustled everyone away in the direction of the pub where we were to dine.
Dinner was at The Anchor in Hartfield where to celebrate the day we ordered steak and kidney pudding (what else!) and remembered the poor demented souls who had been unable to join us. It was decided that Tinker’s sense of direction had occasionally outshone that of Sandyballs (but bot that often) and that his taking us all up a nasty hill of pure mud and then back down the same way qualified him for life membership of the NERDS Fukarwee tribe. And so Tonker was awarded his orange badge for persistence, as was Maid Marian who promptly repaid Sandyballs by squabbling with him about his choice of malt whiskey and by playing footsie with Lafayette just to get him jealous.
Congrats therefore to Tonker for his robust attempt at orienteering and to Maid Marian who, by unanimous decision, was voted a full member for the Dieppe Raid II due to her ability to hold her drink but who had sadly refused to wave her knickers in the air to show us what colour they were. We shall work on this aspect of her education next month in France.
Finally Lafayette would like to thank all his supporters who had shown their concern for his safety as a result of the incident last month with the ‘Chartres’. In addition he would like to answer one or two questions which people even now keep asking him:-
Yes, he was glad to get back.
Yes, the crossing had been a bit bumpy,
No, he has not been awarded the Legion d’Honneur by the mayor of Dieppe.
. No, Sylvie had not been screaming at the sight of his naked body when he had been putting on his life-jacket - in fact she had thought she was going to drown.
No, the Captain of the ship did not seek his advice on what to do next when the window was smashed on the bridge.
And No, Brigitte Langchamp did not ask him to marry her and father her children as a reward for holding her hand when things got rough.
So now you all know.
Au revoir. See you next month in Dieppe.
Lafayette.
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