The June 2017 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 331. Wed. 21st June 2017.

Those Present: Matt, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco, Curly.
Snow White and The Five Dwarfs


A couple of weeks ago it had been Matt's birthday.

He was now a hundred and fifteen, and to mark this occasion he had insisted on being made NERDS' Route-Master. The joining instructions were a complete shambles. First of all Lafayette, on the instructions of Sandyballs, had given directions to go to Worthing by train and to meet up along the way. Matt had plotted a Route-Master coup and insisted he was in charge; that the trip would be made by bus

(for reasons of economy) and that we should be dressed as some of the Seven Dwarfs with himself as Snow White.

( Actually Lafayette made up this last bit but it gives B.T. a chance to dig out some pictures.)

Ramble day dawned sunny and hot.

The country had been in the grip of a heatwave for a few days and people were dying in the streets of heat exhaustion – Lafayette loved it. It was like an average day in Pakistan, except that when he had been there in 1985, there had been no Taliban,

he'd spent all his time drinking,

playing cricket

or hash running

and the NERDS had not yet been invented.

And so Four Dwarfs and Snow White went to StarBucks in Brighton

to meet Sandyballs. The latter was currently struggling to come to terms with the fact that he was no longer Routemaster, but Snow White took command and shepherded us all on to the 700 bus to Worthing.

One sweaty hour later we alighted in Worthing where Snow White promised us hours of slogging over concrete roads until we got to some obscure restaurant where she had booked us in for dinner at half past four. Dismay gripped us all. We were dying of too much sun and not enough beer, surely we were not in for a long day of actual rambling. Power must have completely gone to Snow White's head! We traipsed through Worthing centre. There were lots of interesting market stalls and shops but to tarry we were not allowed. Froggy

wanted to buy some boxer shorts to change into at dinner time but even this reasonable request was not allowed.

Eventually Matt steered us all into the Rose and Crown

and generously bought us all a drink a) because we were dying of heat and lack of under pants, and b) because it had been his birthday recently. The pub was nice, the barmaid was nice and there was a pleasant, cool garden outside where we sat round a table.

Matt was keeping an iron grip on the proceedings and insisted on everybody moving to another table since he'd bought us a drink and because he could do what he liked.

Ooooh.... the Power!

When lunchtime came the scramble was on to get “pensioner portions.”

The pub obviously catered for the, ahem, more mature clientele, especially as the restaurant part seemed to be stuffed with oldies who had left their Zimmer frames and mobility scooters outside. Lafayette liked the idea of getting himself a mobility scooter; it might take the slog out of cycling up to Southease or walking back from the Co-op with the usual shopping bag full of wine bottles. He knew that Sandyballs already had his eye on one of those “powered” bicycles that you see advertised in the Sunday papers. Well, why not. NERDS aren't getting any younger. Then Matt could invest in a gilded coach to take him to his cruise ship when he was in one of his “Snow White” days.

Anyway, lunch was terrific and very cheap, and so The NERDS then retired to the lounge

with coffees and brandies

to mull over the implications of Brexit. However instead we ended up listening to Froggy's account of his cowboy holiday in Spain where, apparently, he had faced down Sergio Leone himself in a gunfight and whupped his ass

..... and had then written some doleful ditty about it called “ Gunfight Blues.” which all of Spain was now humming and which had turned him into a famous international writer and earned him the Nobel Prize for crap songs. Lafayette was insanely jealous (not.)

More brandies came,

the conversation veered towards the surreal.

Paco declared that when he died he wanted to have loud Wagner music played at his funeral just to wake up all his neighbours in Seaford and to show that any left wing tendencies he may have had in life had been obliterated by his death bed repentance. Lafayette said he would be pleased to arrange such a conversion and would speak to his friend, Maria Corbyn, the famous all party M.P. about this important matter.

Glad to have put the world to rights yet again, the NERDS were shepherded

back to Brighton where it was still stinking hot, so we decided to go home rather than try to accompany Froggy on his ever constant quest for comfortable undercrackers.

Thanks go to Matt who as an ex- scaffolder employed a delicate touch yet firm grip on us all as that day's Routemaster. Watch out for next month when we might actually do a rural ramble just like in the Olden Days.

Los Nierdos para Siempre!

Lafayette.

June 2017 Ramble Joining Instructions

Chers NERDS,

Next ramble is on Wednesday 21st June.

Buy a Day Return to Worthing.

If you live in Seaford get the 09 54hrs train and Lafayette will meet you on the train when it stops at Newhaven at 10 02hrs. Sandyballs will join us a little later at Lewes.

We shall then make a connection at Brighton to Worthing.

Sandyballs' I.T. has broken down; that's why this message is from me.

See you all on Wednesday.

Love,
Lafayette.

June 2017 Ramble date

Dear NERDS
After much thought and soul-searching it has been decided to set the date for the June ramble as Wednesday 21st. Hope this finds favour with most of you. This is also 'The Longest Day' so perhaps it might be a chance to go a little further afield for the ramble, perhaps as far as West Sussex?

Sandyballs

June 2017 Suggested guest ramblers

Following on from Lafayette’s suggestion that we should look for people with birthdays in June to take part in that month’s ramble; here are a few suggestions:-

Wednesday 14.6.2017 – Donald Trump,

however he may have an alternative appointment but I am sure Lafayette could persuade him to attend as he has sampled his burgers!

Tuesday 20.6.2017 – Nicole Kidman

and she has her own black dog.

Prince Philip 10.6.17

– but he may be unwell.

Liz Hurley 10.6.2017

– she also has her own hound.

Peter Dinklage 11.6.2017 –

and he has been known to imbibe a drink or two.



Sods law is that the only Wednesday is for D. Trump.

I think we must prevail upon Lafayette to make the arrangements and promise him another green fairy for his troubles.

May's "El Paco's Birthday" Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 330. Thursday 11.5.17.

Those Present – Paco, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, Curly, The Bish, El Perro Negro Bandido, Bandido's mom, Imogen.

Paco's 70th Birthday Ramble.

1947 had been a famous year – much austerity, deep snow and the spawning of such notables as Lafayette and Curly. Today however was the 70th anniversary of the birth of El Paco whose father had painted a hideous mural of some town called Guernica

and had been forced therefore to flee persecution from Franco, and whose mother really wanted him to become a bullfighter

but settled for his ending up as an Immigration Officer and NERD. Such is Destiny.

Paco's “rambling” friends came to his house that day

bearing cards and gifts (mostly bottles.) They fought their way through the front door where lay at least a year's worth of old newspapers, unopened bills, empty pizza cartons, forgotten children etc etc. and arranged themselves around a sticky(ish) table in the kitchen. Paco's loving daughter, Lara, had left a cake and a note

reminding Paco it was his birthday. The kitchen party was joined by Kate, another loving daughter, and partner Kevin.

Since our host was obviously overcome by all the unusual attention, Lafayette opened the proceedings by formally notifying Paco it was his 70th birthday and by opening a bottle of prosecco. Realisation slowly seeped into Paco's brain as to why he had a house full of people, and he got into the swing of things by blowing out all his candles and doling out large chunks of cake.

The cake flowed and the prosecco was devoured.

Paco told a feminist joke about sumo wrestlers and hairy legs which nobody really understood and then someone elected Paco routemaster for the day and reminded him we were supposed to ramble somewhere. After another half hour or so nobody had still gone anywhere, the cake had worn off and people were making polite enquiries about the possibility of a lunch location.

The NERDS rolled out of Paco's house and first of all said goodbye to Curly who hadn't been too well, then formed up in the drive because Paco had a plan (!) He marched everybody off for a bit of a walk towards the main road, then as someone had felt a teeny weeny spot of rain, he was persuaded to divert into The White Lion Hotel for an aperitif. (Good plan!)

Two pints later we knew all about some horrible disease The Bish had got, all about Sandyballs' holiday in Rhodes and all about Lafayette's plan to take over The Universe. Paco,

meanwhile was dying for a cigar but had come out of the house without any money.

Lafayette decided he couldn't be bothered to take over The Universe by annexing Seaford that day, so when the “ramble” continued he crossed over the road and bought a bag of chips.

This turned out to be a sure fire way of becoming amazingly popular (Froggy to note.) Sandyballs screamed in like a ravenous seagull

and The Bish wasn't far behind. Lafayette's chips were plundered by all those whose breakfast of birthday cake had worn off hours ago. Meanwhile Paco was trying to work out how you got a cigar out of some NatWest machine that you had to put numbers in to make it work.

We headed south towards the seafront.

Things were relaxing, most of us were still hungry but the sun was shining vaguely and the sea looked nice.

All of a sudden a huge black monster bounded up, threw itself on top of Paco and began to lick his face. Lafayette was impressed. Even he hadn't had that reception when he'd been standing round with a bag of chips. Paco's new admirer was Bandido Perro Negro, of course, accompanied by Imogen,

Bandido's mom. We gathered that Paco did occasional Bandido Sitting duties – like taking him to school, going to the sweetshop, even taking him for a walk on occasions. Imogen was usually so exhausted by keeping Bandido from rampaging around her flat that she was glad of a bit of help.

“The Plan” now consisted of drifting along the seafront where we paid tribute to some beach hut

which might or might not have been where the late Hamish MacFinlay used to seduce all the local old ladies,

and of visiting a new seat at Splash Point

with a fishy theme

where Froggy took tons of photographs.

Somewhere at this point it was decided to go to the golf club for lunch. Sandyballs had decreed long ago that NERDS hate golfers despite the fact that we had an ace golfer in our midst who had frequently beaten “ Mean Boy” Dimaline at this extraordinarily weird pastime. The main argument for going to a golf club was that by now we were all starving and would even have eaten at Trump Tower had it appeared on Seaford Head. ( Lafayette has actually eaten at T.T.

and says the burgers are rather nice.)

We sat outside at the club where we had a pleasant view of the lynx (lynks? links?) and where we had the pleasure of watching various golfers lose their golf balls and wander around in circles making slashing gestures. The food here wasn't bad (it's difficult to really fuck up ham egg and chips) and the beer was quite acceptable and not over priced. Imogen ran in to place our orders - she was obviously starving too, and Bandido lay on the floor and looked adoringly at Paco when he wasn't gobbling up everybody's left over bits.
Thereafter Imogen and B. took us back into town by an interesting dog walker's route

where we met quite a few other dog walkers (surprise, surprise) and during which we saw parts of Seaford not previously known to Man (but obviously known to Woman.) This fascinating route

ended up opposite The Welly, but since all the outside seats were taken we carried on to The Old Boot.
Congrats to Paco for a very successful birthday breakfast and ramble. I think all the NERDS enjoyed the prosecco and the cake - so thanks to Lara for the latter. Thanks also to Imogen and Bandido for joining us and for finding a way home for us. All we gotta do now is pick a date and a birthday victim for the next ramble who can buy us all prosecco and bake cakes.

Bye for now.


Lafayette.

Lafayette's Muse

May's 2017 Ramble Joining Instructions

In May we are destined to walk on THURSDAY 11th.(Saint Mamertius day - a well known saint from France who died 461ad and was known for his learning!Ed,) A little bird

has whispered to me that this is in fact Don Paco's birthday.

Following on from Froggy's birthday in April, it seems that there is a pattern emerging. Who has their birthday in June?

Anyway, the same little bird has suggested that Paco is willing to host pre-ramble drinks at his place on the day

and then routemaster a jolly jaunt around Seaford. Can all this be true? If it is it would suit me as I don't get back from holiday until the day before.

Paco, let me know if all this is just fantasy. If it is a problem I am sure we can come up with an emergency alternative.

Sandyballs

Concerning El Paco'salternative Ramble (see Comments Below)

Joyeux anniversaire, jeune Phil! So sorry to miss your B day lunch and the promised Prosecco .

We kept casting around for a rag tag group clambering around the hills and valley of Cuckmere but to no avail - even peering weirdly (and by that point - slightly wildly) through pub windows in Seaford on our return.

Paco not having anyone's number on his phone - it was like being back in the 80's.

Photographic evidence attached - we was there!

April's Ramble 2017

NERDS' Ramble No. 329

Ramble, No. 329, Froggy's Birthday.

Those Present – Froggy, Sandyballs, Lafayette, Bish, Matt.

Froggy was 64 on this day.

What a youth! Only 64. All the other NERDS were insanely jealous of Froggy (of his age, that is) but real youth in the abstract sense is impossible to reclaim, and so we could only dream of times past

, of challenges conquered, of hearts broken, of 30 odd years of rambles undertaken.

Froggy, of course had written a song

about his momentous anniversary, definitely not a rip-off of that Beatles' song, oh no, more a variation of his previous masterpiece, Freight-squad Blues, but with a more solipsistic theme, about what a great lover

he had been, what a musical genius waiting to be discovered he was

and how he was easily the best cordon bleu chef

in the whole world. The NERDS

immediately banned him from singing it (especially in the street in front of everybody) but acceded to his request to change that day's ramble details.

Sandyballs had been prepared to drag us all up to the top of Seaford Head and therefore put our delicate lives in danger, but Froggy took the more pragmatic view of getting a bus to Alfriston and wandering along the mighty River Cuck up to Exeat.

And so we joined the Old Gits' queue outside Morrisons (everybody looked about 80) and ended up in the centre of Alfriston where Lafayette was torn between waiting for the icecream shop to open or having a pint in the Smugglers. Eventually we got bored waiting on the Smugglers and went down the road to The George which is a far better pub

and where Froggy was persuaded to buy us all a drink, it being his birthday and all that.

The NERDS lounged in the lounge on the sofas and Lafayette had just managed to persuade the amenable barmaid to give Froggy a kiss

for his birthday. Froggy hadn't had a kiss for ages nor had he had a pint for at least two weeks when Sandyballs managed to scupper the magic moment by warning her that she might catch some horrible disease. Never say that true romance is dead.

After this non-erotic interlude Froggy was elected Routemaster

and successfully led us along the Mighty Cuck to The Plough and Harrow at Litlington. It seemed that Wednesday was a popular day and so the NERDS ended up squashed around a small table in the far corner of the pub.

The first thing we noticed was the absurdly high prices for the lunches – but at least they had ham, egg and chips on the menu so Sandyballs was happy. The barmaid here had a face on her like a grumpy bulldog

so we thought trying to persuade her to kiss Froggy probably wouldn't go down too well.

Next year we might all have to club together, take Froggy somewhere special and pay for the service.

(Perhaps not.)

Somewhat disappointed with the Plough and Harrow on a number of counts, the NERDS once again put themselves under the command of our Routemaster who led us further alongside the Mighty Cuck for what seemed miles

and miles

until finally we fetched up at Exeat too exhausted even to crawl into the Golden Galleon to see what the barmaid looked like. Luckily a bus was coming so we all got on quick and wi-fied our way back to town. While Lafayette slept his way back to Newhaven on the bus the remainder dragged Froggy off somewhere for a final Birthday Drink (and who knows what else) in the moral cesspit that is known as Seaford.

Not a bad alternative ramble by Froggy, and we think he enjoyed his birthday OK. He got given a few cards and a remaindered Abba dvd which Sandyballs thought might come in useful for him.

Make sure you all read the alternative write-up about this day's outing put forward by Paco who missed our start by about five minutes but went on to have his own adventure that day with a woman and a dog(!).
[See in Comments section below.]

Us NERDS know how to enjoy ourselves, you know.

Lafayette.