November 2016 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 324. 17th November 2016.


Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Curly.

The Famous Person Ramble.

Not many NERDS on this ramble. Matt was still out cruising somewhere; The Bish had a bad knee and Paco woke up and decided he didn't want to get out of bed. So....just four then....

Most of us met on the train where even Froggy who was usually so positive and full of life complained that he was suffering from sciatica – but was prepared to be a martyr for the cause and come out and make up the numbers. Such a hero, thought the others, wish we all had his courage and grit. Lafayette thought he'd better keep quiet about his own degenerative muscle/bone crumbling, paranoid hallucination inducing cold otherwise he might get mocked for swinging the lead.

We met Sandyballs at Lewes and after a popular clamour we were led straightaway to The Brewers at the top of the High Street to take a little medicinal alcohol for our ills.

We all like the Brewers because it opens early, at 10 o'clock, and usually plays host to various weird and wonderful characters

from the Lewes sub-species of early morning drinkers.

Today was no exception. Lafayette had just ordered his second pint when a low voice whispered in his ear, “ Suits you, Sir.” Lafayette was a bit startled but carried on nonetheless. The voice went on, “ Yes, that pint definitely suits you, Sir.” Lafayette looked round to see a pleasant looking chap who looked vaguely familiar. “ Do I know you, Sir ?” responded Laf, somewhat coolly. He was not as a rule used to being approached in bars by strangers. “ Ooh, yes,” replied the man, “ Really suits you, that pint.” The penny then dropped for Lafayette. “Hey, you're that bloke off the telly in Life with the Kumars, aren't you?” “ No, I'm not,” said the man in his normal voice, “ I'm Mark Williams from off The Fast Show, you know,

the one who'se always trying to measure your inside leg.” “Er yes,” said Laf “ Your'e not a Queer or anything like that, are you? I've heard what you media types are like when you all get together.” “No I'm not queer,” said the famous actor . “I've just dropped in for a half pint cos I've got no friends apart from all the pooftahs up at the BBC.” Lafayette felt sorry for the poor, lonely normal actor and invited him on the ramble if he promised to buy a drink. “Sorry,” said the actor, “I haven't got a lot of money and my knees are bad. I really have to go back to my garret to learn my lines.” And off he went. “What a nice chap,” said Lafayette. “Pity about his knees, we could have done with a famous actor to give the NERDS a bit of gravitas.”

The others just groaned and rubbed their aching, sore bits.

Sandyballs had concocted a ramble which was supposed to suit all parties (“Suits you, NERDS.”) ie. was supposed to be short and undemanding. In the event it wasn't particularly short but amazingly covered entirely new ground. We went through Lewes

and skirted Pells Pool. (Lafayette knew this bit for when he had been hanging around looking at schoolgirls when ostensibly he had been counting the life rings for Coastwatch. - Just don't ask)

Anyway, we entered the bottom end of the Landport Estate

where BT used to live, and then past the hall where Laf had been suborned to go and vote UKIP on behalf of said BT.

The route continued along a very muddy path adjacent to the Mighty Ouse until we got to The Blacksmiths at Offham. There didn't seem to be many people there but it had a nice fire and the beer was OK. Laf sat in the dining room

(apparently) beneath a picture of Virginia Woolf, a local heroine who had recently appeared on Celebrity Bake Off. Froggy said cooking was more difficult than you think; he couldn't make his own recipe fish pie because of his sciatica (wot?) Anyhow the food and drink there were excellent and received the “NERDS approved” status.

After sitting around in front of the fire indulging ourselves in brandies etc Sandyballs goaded us all outside to continue this

“brand new” walk. Only this bit wasn't brand new since it consisted of an uphill slog back up to Lewes past the Chalkpit pub which had now sadly turned into a curry house. Sic transit gloria mundi.

However there was still the Elephant and Castle in town, a pub which to Laf's mind seemed the equivalent of The Jolly Boatman in Newhaven. Both sold Harvey's – well, yes; both had that bohemian air of scrattiness and fag rolling, while both seemed to have kept a highish standard of quality of food and drink.

The NERDS had a last pint here while Curly wanted to continue to The

Lansdowne for a sambucca or two (black, of course).

But most of the NERDS had had enough by this time. The excitement of meeting a famous actor and of going on a completely new ramble had taken its toll. “ I must go home and practise being a martyr to my family,” sighed Froggy. “ I must go home and practise writing my restaurant reviews.” said Laff. And so we all went home to rest before...........

The Grand Christmas Ramble which will be on Wednesday 24th December with lunch at The Dorset in Lewes.

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Lafayette.