NERDS' Ramble No. 280. 20th
March 2013.
Those Present - Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, Matt, Paco, The
Bish.
Jack and Jill Ramble
The NERDS met en masse on the train. Matt reckoned it was a Catholic
conclave come to undermine the present smooth running of The Organisation
(NERDS) despite most of us protesting we weren't and had never been Catholics.
( Matt always loves a bit of drama and has recently got overheated by the
election of a new pope – he really wishes he were a cardinal dressed in a frock
and had had a hand in the latest grand conspiracy!). Anyway, Froggy brought us
all down to earth with a graphic description of how he had been sweating in the
shower (so that's what they call it now) over some “Z” list film star he'd seen
on telly that morning.
Sandyballs met us at Lewes with that day's battle plan to hand; we were
to go to Hassocks first and then try to get to the Windmills Jack and Jill up a
hill (of course) where we were to have lunch.
S.B. was suffering from looking after- the grandchild-and catching-his
lurgy-syndrome, while Lafayette had his usual cold, so both were looking
forward to some alcohol to take their minds off their woes.
A change of train at Brighton and we were on our way. Froggy sat there
and told us he was worried about what he would do after retirement. So were all
of us. The idea of Froggy ringing us up in the middle of the night to suggest a
supplementary ramble the next day, or “how about we all go down to the pub and
listen to my new song and guitar playing,” did not somehow have the allure of
some other aspects of NERDS' leisure. We should have to find him some sort of
fascinating hobby like er...... cooking or photography or cabaret singing (in
the next town) or taking a couple of years off to spend some solitary him-time in a Scottish castle
drafting his next book, whatever........
So we arrived at The Hassocks Hotel (pub) where the lady kindly let us
in early since it was not yet opening time by a couple of minutes and where we
had the first beer of the day. All clustered round the table as we were,
matters of great import were discussed
BUT – new NERDS' rule; you had to have hold of the vase of primroses –
the primrose vase talking stick - to have the right to bore the others with
your opinions. Matt started off by claiming that the cords were due soon to close their membership list.
Froggy nearly upset the primrose vase trying to grab it to say he had nothing
against cords, golfers or
other persecuted minorities. Matt again took possession of the flower vase and opined
that perhaps Froggy should join Nobby's walking group after retirement – The
Gay Gordons – but Froggy was not keen (having snaffled back the talking
primrose stick vase), and said he would prefer to supplement his pension by
singing songs and accompanying himself on his guitar in pubs.
· Opinion was divided about the wisdom of this and it was decided
(another new rule) to have a secondary smaller 'interrupter vase' containing
fewer flowers and less water so that side comments could be made. This worked
quite well for a while until everybody got so drunk they forgot who was
supposed to have the 'talking primrose stick thingy' next, Froggy and Matt were
lobbing vases at each other and Sandyballs dragged us all outside to walk our
opinions off.
The
route to Jack and
Jill took us along a very boggy path involving mucho mud. Most NERDS took this
in their stride being real hard types, however one of us was under-dressed as
usual (just like Paco in the rain before he bought himself a hoody), but yes,
you've guessed it, it was Paco once again who had disdained any form of
rambling boot, and instead had donned his ballet shoes not thinking he might
have to circumnavigate nasty, shitty puddles. So the NERDS waited until he was
in up to his armpits and then generously deigned to pull him out before he
drowned. Phew, a narrow squeak!
All along a path next to the main railway line we went, straight,
straight, straight. Finally we came out by a railway tunnel and zipped into the
Jack and Jill pub which was the pre-amble to climbing up to the windmills (ha,
ha!). Grouped around a table again, Sandyballs took hold of the flower vase and
told us he hadn't done anything about the teeshirts for the Spanish trip. When
we had recovered from the startling effect of this non-piece of news Matt
suggested we should have “I love the cords” printed on the front of; said garments. Not much chance of that, we
thought and turned our attention to what to have for lunch.
Lunch was generally poor, overpriced and disappointing. All except
Lafayette felt they had been swindled. Laf’ said his sausages and red cabbage
had been excellent, but Sandyballs pointed out that Laf’ would eat anything and
anyway had money to burn. The meal was however somewhat enlightened by the
ghost of Troy gliding past to the bog, although we all wondered whether ghosts
really need to piss in the afterlife. Paco took the talking vase and told us of
how he was occasionally overcome by the red mist (Paco??) and we all waited
with bated breath to see whether Matt would complain about the dessert (he
didn't).
Anyway leaving this NERDS non-approved pub we ventured into the outside
world whereupon Sandyballs wanted to take us on a route to visit the two
windmills. Good idea, we thought , let's do some real rambling, but when we got
round the corner and saw the huge soggy, boggy path leading up the hill we
decided (out of consideration for poor Paco, of course) to put off this
climbing feat until the weather got better, in the summer, perhaps, or next
year, or some time....
On the way back the going was less muddy although tricky. Most of us
kept to the path but Froggy decided to take a 'shortcut' through a field where
it seemed a little easier on the boots. Sadly the field turned out to be
deceptive and further on became a quagmire. Froggy's Gucci loafers took a real
hammering while Paco glided over the slightly damp path with little trouble.
Just goes to show that a ballet pump on the path is worth a boot in the miry
field (or something like that).
Finally we arrived back at The Hassocks Hotel where we tramped all over
their nice carpet and lounged around on their comfy sofas clutching pints of
Harveys and vases of flowers. It had been a good ramble despite the cold, the
mud and the expensive substandard food ,but at least we had climbed up
to.....Oh, no, we hadn't actually managed to do that, had we. Never mind next
month is Froggy's retirement ramble bash. Expect dancing girls, confetti, loud
music and probably the hand of God on His Chosen One too. Can't wait!
Lafayette.
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