The NERDS’ Ramble No 249. 25. 8. 10.
Those Present - Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt.
The Ramble When Nobody Actually Rambled.
To all those NERDS who didn’t take part this month, you had better start weeping with frustration right now since Froggy’s well laid plans to go all over East Sussex were laid low by the crappy weather.
Lafayette woke up that morning; outside his window everything was dull and drab
(Newhaven again). Apart from that it threatened heavy rain in the sky, a sinister fact which not even the brilliant (and apologetic ) smile of Carol-on-the-telly could mitigate. No question , it was going to be pissing down all day and any rambling would undoubtedly be put in serious jeopardy.
But to quote one of us, “Are we not NERDS?” (I’ve never actually understood this; what the fuck else are we likely to be? A group of avid hill walkers? not exactly,
A collection of keen explorers -hardly; a bunch of lazy-arsed piss-artists - never!)
Any way, we were NERDS so we should have to do something with the day.
I know, let’s all go round to Froggy’s and lay waste to his supplies of drink and choccy bics . We might even get in a bit of raping especially if he’s got one or two old cats lying about. The prospects for the day began to brighten (at least for Lafayette).
So we went through the complicated joining instructions. Sandyballs to meet Lafayette on the train to (perhaps) be met by Froggy at Seaford station, and was Noddy Derek, h/o the lovely Carys going to come as previously hinted? Nope, that day it was just four hardcore NERDS as detailed above. Lafayette was relieved; at
least there’d probably be enough cats to go round when it got down to the raping.
In the event, as soon as Lafayette put his nose round Froggy’s patio into the garden some sexy looking feline with a bell around its neck gave Lafayette a hard look and took off at a rate of knots. Never mind; at least Froggy, seeing Lafayette’s frustration put a bottle of Paddy’s down in front of him and invited him to partake.
Froggy’s place is very nice. It’s very clean and tidy with lots of exotic plants in his conservatory giving the impression of being a well kept jungle. And so what did we do? We went and sat outside in the spitting rain at a table covered with rotten apples and got bombarded by pissed-up wasps. The coffee was OK, the biscuits fine, even the Paddy’s was very pleasant but the milk was served in a very cracked jug!
This awful social faux-pas was swiftly brought to Froggy’s attention and he was told that this might spoil the whole day for the NERDS (especially combined with a lack of shaggable cats).
Since the weather was rapidly deteriorating, and since we had long since run out of Paddy’s, someone decided we ought to go somewhere else. Froggy gave the committee five different complicated alternatives, none of which made any sense in the present circumstances, and in the end we decided to get on the free bus at the end of Froggy’s road and get to the Golden Galleon before all the Old Trouts etc. etc.
Hooray! We got to the Golden Galleon relatively early so no problem getting a seat outside in the rain for the first pint. (Who’s daft idea was that?). Not wanting to get totally wet at this stage, (remember, we had a long ramble to do) we went back inside and got a good table. Matt began chatting up the fourteen year old barmaid, telling her that she could put herself in his hands because he was a doctor and she could trust him. Christ! Couldn’t she tell by just looking at him that he was an old…lecher?
So to avert a horrible crisis - like not getting served any beer- we dragged lechy Matt back over to the lunch table where he proceeded to tell us that his brother Michael, (Surely that should be brother, Father Michael, Ed.) a Catholic priest no less, had taught him a lot of funny sexual tricks when they had been growing up together in Ireland, and that that had made him the way he was today (no comment). The girly barmaid had clearly had a narrow escape; at least Lafayette only lusts after cats!
Lunch next. This was of reasonable quality for the Golden Galleon and we were glad we’d got in quick because of a sudden influx of Very,Very, Old Trouts on sticks and zimmer frames and in bath chairs who began to clog up the bar and stop all thirsty NERDS from getting a decent drink after such a long bus ride. Sandyballs started gargling on about ferries arrivaling ( a bit like Philby wanting to go clumping)
- I blame the Paddys, and Matt, now in full flow, gave us a graphic description of what it was like to go cycling with a defective prostate gland. Thanks, Matt; just what you need to hear when you’re eating your ice cream!
Sandyballs was getting very twitchy, he wasn’t used to such amazingly passive rambles, he desperately wanted to get outside and walk somewhere, anywhere.
He kept wandering out on to the terrace but, as if in answer to the rest of the NERDS’ prayers, the rain kept falling and it was obvious to most sane minded NERDS (lol) that as in Dieppe the previous year, the foul weather would irrevocably prevent any nasty rambling activity. At that time Lafayette had wanted to take all the NERDS up to the Shipwreck Church, but sadly his grandiose plans had been foiled and they had all had to sit outside at a pretty pavement café all afternoon on the seafront enjoying the teeming rain. (at least that’s what Lafayette told Sandyballs who had been absent at the time).
So, resigned to not rambling anywhere really, Sandyballs who was a purist and said he needed to ramble, (something to do with his hormones, obviously) resigned himself to catching a bus back to Seaford and going into a pub there as a sort of solace. We therefore found ourselves trudging through a wet, dank churchyard and entering the Plough nearby where we consoled ourselves for the lack of rambling with lots of gins and tonics, and discussed how much the barmaid looked like Juliette Greco. Matt thought Sandyballs looked so bereft, suicidal even, at the NERDS’ idleness, that he told him that a Death in Harness followed by a Deathbed Repentance would enable him to clean up both financially and spiritually. Sandy balls remained morose; more active rambling was what he had wanted that day (Tough!).
And so, not exactly the Longest (nor the Worst) Ramble we’d ever been on; but thanks to Froggy for all his hospitality and it’s a shame all your brilliant plans were spoilt. (Just get more cats in next time!). Sometimes NERDS just have to go with the flow and resign themselves to sitting in a couple of pubs all day. It’s a hard life.
Soon will be the 250th, or Dieppe Raid No. 47 (must check the records).
Let’s hope the weather over in France will be as brilliant as it was the last time most of us went to Dieppe. (Sandyballs, you didn’t hear that).
Lafayette.
No comments:
Post a Comment