NERDS’ Ramble 239 - 28th Oct. 2009.


Those Present - B.T. Froggy, Bronco, Sandyballs, Matt, Lafayette (& Others)

The Freddie Ramble.

Today Sandyballs couldn’t do the ramble because he had bollocksed up his foot in York. (Something to do with lots of drinking at an ISU Union meeting and being pushed off a pavement by Sean Raggett). And so, in a panic, he had not only thrust the heavy burden of organising the ramble on to Froggy, but had telephoned Interpol in the Pyrenees to have B.T. torn away from his home comforts and despatched to Newhaven to make up the numbers.

Bronco too was with us this day so Froggy decided it might not be a good idea to go up and down the fifty odd hills in Sussex like we usually do for a bit of fun, but to keep it short, keep it sweet and make sure we got to the pub well in time for lunch.
B.T. started to be awkward claiming that he had obtained his presently svelte figure from a daily dose of sprinting up and down the Pyrenee at the bottom of his garden and hadn’t come all this way just to pussyfoot around. So Froggy ignored him and ordered everyone on to the bus from Seaford to East Dean.

Some of us had to pay for this privilege (ha, ha) while the other (bus pass holders) claimed their free Human Rights and rushed upstairs to bag the best seats. When we arrived Froggy saw a couple of girlie ramblers get off the bus at the same time clearly intent on following the NERDS and basking in their fame and sexual attraction. Sadly, Froggy’s poor attempt to capitalise on this groupie opportunity came to nought when they heard him say loudly that he fancied shagging the good looking one but wouldn’t touch her mate with his own worn out bog-brush.

The weather was dull, the sheep had shat all over the fields and there we were tramping after a couple of miffed women who were not only following our route but looked as if they were going to have lunch at the same pub as us. Quel embarras! However Matt livened up the proceedings by letting slip that the Mystery Guest on the Christmas Ramble this year was going to be …..none other than Jordan …Wow!
Visions of this fantastic guest at dinner with everyone hanging off her…..every word
Made us all cheerful again. Then Bronco punctured the balloon(s) by saying he’d heard it was only Ian Jordan and that was only if he could tear himself away from the other numerous office parties he seemed to be heavily involved in.

Within sight of Belle Toute Lighthouse the NERDS descended a Seven Sister and saw to their dismay that The Birling Gap ie. the pub lunch rendezvous, was besieged by large numbers of caravans, cameras, gophers, and film stars themselves threatening to try to eclipse the NERDS by making a film where we were going to be eating (and drinking). When we got to the pub someone said that these NERDS’ hangers on were supposedly filming a remake of Brighton Rock so Matt suggested we all do our own film in opposition using ourselves , all the barmaids in the pub , the pub dog and some special posing pouches he just happened to have with him. His offer was declined.

Apparently all these famous acting types, the ones in this stupid film outside, had brought all their own scoff, all their own posing pouches, all their own catamites and even all their own lavatory paper with them in order not to have to mix with the local hoi polloi and the world famous NERDS. The Birling Gap, however had made an absolute fortune by renting out its pub car park to them for the duration so at least they would have a good view of the world famous NERDS dining in all their charisma.

The food was very good here and so was the drink - all NERDS approved - and Lafayette tried out his fluent Hungarian on the petite barmaid, called Melinda before telephoning Sandyballs at home to update him on all the exciting developments at the pub. (I mean about all the great food and drink he was missing because he was rolling aroung groaning about some ingrown toenail or something - not about the poncy film crew type people who were falling over themselves to offer us key parts in their crummy film). Sandyballs murmured something vague about coming along with all the family, and that it was not in contravention of NERDS’ Rules because they hadn’t actually rambled with us and they had paid their NERDS’ subscription and they couldn’t leave the baby at home anyway, could they? ……….. Baby, wot baby?

And so Sandyballs eventually turned up with Mrs Sandyballs, daughter Sandyballs and Baby Freddie ( now known by his NERDS’ name as Flintoff). Flintoff was very cutchy coo and very well behaved, he drank his Harveys like a good boy and said that his mom had liked being Mystery Guest last year but didn’t fancy being on the same table as that slut Jordan this year. He said that his grandma was very beautiful and that he loved her very much as long as she was going to leave him all her diamonds and things. He said also that his grandpa was a big nesh pillock who kept falling off his bike and getting his gouty feet stamped on because he drank too much, then he smiled,
said he liked Lafayette best of all the NERDS and went to sleep. We were all entranced at our new mini NERD.

After the Sandyballs family had taken Baby Flintoff back home we set off back along the road to find out why The Tiger at East Dean was closed to the NERDS that day. On the way we were passed by Hungarian barmaids - big and small, and took lots of rests so that Froggy as Routemaster wouldn’t get lost (or tired). Matt led us to The Tiger and found out it was reopening the next day (Just our luck!) Then we all got on the free (oops) bus back to Seaford and Newhaven.

It had been a very pleasant ramble thanks to the excellent guidance of Froggy and to the surprise appearance of Baby Flintoff who may take over as Managing Director of the NERDS one day. Let’s hope Sandyballs’ feet sort themselves out soon and that B.T. gets back safely to his Pyrenee in France.

Goo goo to all.

Lafayette.