June's Dieppe Ramble

In preparation for the next ramble in Dieppe; Froggy has organized the purchase of ‘polo shirts’.  Here is a photograph of his fetching person modeling one.  It really has been 30 years of rambling.  The first “Dieppe Raid” to Sacha’s Mill was such a long time ago and the original T-shirts have faded into the mist.

2018 May Ramble

NERDS' Ramble no. 342 - Wed. 9th May 2018.

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Curly, The Bish.

Guests – Imogene, Bandit

Late Arrival –Paco. 

Porky Woman Hill Ramble

This was to be one of Froggy's bus stop rambles except that it was done on the train

simply for the convenience of getting to Southease - and because Bandido Negro was getting old and couldn't get up the stairs on buses. Mind you, a lot of NERDS

with creaky legs and worn out hips and knees were wondering these days whether to hire a sedan chair or pick-up drone to get themselves to the start of the ramble.

And so we arrived at Southease

where Sandyballs was hanging around trying to get himself yet another new job as ticket collector

for Network South East. His contract as a high flying seasonal Border Agency Minion had been terminated recently since the Home Office wanted to recruit more youngsters to deal with compensation claims from the deported E.U. Windrush street sleeping community, and S.B. was now simply unable to cope with the incredibly sophisticated technological know-how required for this new initiative. i.e. he couldn't get an app on his phone for it.

And so the ramble got under way, well sort of, because people seemed to feel the need to take lots of selfies

– me with a ticket collector, me with a black dog

, me with a Japanese student etc. etc. However the day was bright and sunny and so far the NERDS were all excited about where Froggy was going to take us, and what we were going to have for lunch.

We crossed the rickety bridge over The Mighty Ouse

and headed on up to the village of Southease famous for its occasional chilli festival and witch burning activities. Froggy told us that his family had recently given him a birthday present. It was a keep fit torture machine which increased your heart rate to dangerous levels while claiming to give you a torso like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He said he kept getting palpitations and would feel very faint after a bout of exercise, and the rest of us wondered what his family's real motive was in buying him this “life enhancing and healthy” piece of apparatus. Hmmm.........

We went along a farm track,

talked to some cows and then climbed up a very, very steep hill

which led to chez Kiri Te Kanawa, the famous winner of the Eurovision song contest about a century ago. Bandido was suffering because of the climb and drank all the water given to him by his mom and most of Lafayette's water bottle too. Curly was about to offer the poor dog some Jameson’s from his hip flask but this was not considered a good idea.

Things got easier as we descended Porky Woman Hill

, the surreal concept of which had to be explained to Imogene of course, and then we got to The Abergavenny Arms in Rodmell which was to be the lunch stop. This pub has a pleasant garden out at the back and a good menu for hungry NERDS and large black dogs.

Lafayette indulged himself with a very expensive portion of crab which almost justified the price, and the rest all had fish (not crab) and chips and other stuff.

Suddenly a familiar voice was heard and Paco appeared. He had of course forgotten that that day was ramble day and had leapt out of bed and driven round to the pub to be part of the festivities. Sandyballs reckoned that when Froggy would be in Quito (yes, he's going to Quito with Matt) he would suddenly find that Paco had jumped in his car and driven over to Peru to join him for a drink.

For some reason the conversation turned to who could remember the oldest BBC programme in the 1950's, and one or two of us remembered Listen with Mother

which ran from a quarter to two to two o'clock in the afternoon – just before our afternoon nap – a bit like Lafayette's lifestyle choice these days too. Paco remembered standing in the street as a little boy feeding toast to the milkman's horse

when he should have instead been running errands for the Spanish Republican secret service (in Fulham.)

Amazing isn't it how time distorts one's perception of what actually happened long ago.

Bandido and the Bish were feeling a little tired so chose to accompany Imogene back to Seaford before the rest had finished all their reminiscences of yesteryear. How they got back will be related later. The rest of the NERDS went back along Froggy's secret path

down over the rickety bridge over the river (nasty trolls snapping at our heels

) and sussed out a new cafeteria at Southease which had recently opened to supply real ramblers with ice-cream and cake and stuff. Then the NERD ramblers said farewell to Sandyballs who we had to leave at the station because he was on the late shift with his new ticket collecting job.

However, Imogen, Bandit and the Bish had failed to take Froggy's exciting route back to the station, and despite leaving about an hour before the others, decided to go another way across the valley and along the levee of the Mighty Ouse. Unfortunately they got to the end of the levee just in time to see the train to Seaford go sailing past them.

Whoops! Time for plan B. Head towards Newhaven along the river bank. It was just bad luck that they picked the wrong bank of the river to proceed. They reached the vicinity of the incinerator, circumvented a flood defence building site and ran into a load of stiles which were impossible for Bandit to get over because they had been enclosed at the bottom with wire mesh. The final problem was a pedestrian railway crossing at the north end of Newhaven industrial estate. The only way out was via a locked metal five bar gate to which the workers at the site opposite did not have the key.

Oh dear! What to do? After a failed attempt to get a large metal box over the gate with their fork lift truck in which Bandit was to be lifted over, one of them put the forks under the gate and lifted it completely off its hinges. A success of brute force over matter if you like. British workmen are always good at problem solving. Anyway Imogene, the Bish and Bandit managed to get home via the industrial estate after all that. What an adventure!

So, thanks to Froggy for a fine, sunny ramble, to Paco for coming late and telling us all about his childhood, and for the entertaining tale recounted later by the Bish of how he, Imogene and Bandit (and a few workmen) managed to vandalise the area around Newhaven incinerator.

Next month is Dieppe. The Aguado is booked and Froggy is to organise celebratory tee-shirts. Thirty years of NERDing will reach an exciting climax. What could possibly go wrong?

Lafayette.

May 2018 Ramble

Pending the manuscript from Lafayette here is a "group photograph".

Joining Instructions for 9th May 2018 Ramble

Hi guys,

Harry has kindly allowed me to be route-master for the May ramble and bearing in mind we'll be accompanied by Imogene and Bandit, the train is preferred to the bus. So, I suggest that the Seaford/Newhaven contingent catch the 10:25 train, passing through Newhaven at 10:32 and arriving at Southease at 10:36, where hopefully Harry will already be waiting for us, having arrived a minute earlier at 10:35 on the 10:28 out of Lewes.

We shall then proceed along the South Downs Way until we can descend down Porky Woman Hill (aka Mill Hill) for lunch at the Abergavenny Arms, where the landlady just lurvvves the pooches! After lunch it will take some 40 minutes back to Southease station where Harry has a train at 15:36 and we have one at 15:35 or an hour later at 16:36 and 16:35. Should anyone wish to jump on the 123 bus instead, there is one to Lewes at 14:49 & 16:09 or the very impractical 15:42 school bus back to Newhaven.

Let's hope there'll be no need for any more wellies!

Froggy X

2018 APRIL'S RAMBLE

NERDS' Ramble No. 341 Wed. 11th April 2018

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, Froggy, Curly.

Latecomers – Paco, Bandido.

The Brown Butterfly Ramble.

Today's ramble was not only a new, new route which had come to Sandyballs in a dream, it was to be one of the most highly organised works of art in NERDS' history. That is, because it was such a special ramble it had deserved a recce done by both S.B. and Laf. to ensure that the route and the hospitality were up to the proper standards.

Laf and S.B. had had a few adventures on the recce which will be related in due course; the others all met at the Runaway

at the station and then proceeded to Lewes Bus station to catch the most rare and unreliable Compass bus

to Laughton. The latter is one of those obscure villages in East Sussex. Rich people buy cottages here and then find they are living miles from anywhere, and really need to have learned to drive, to chop wood and to grow their own potatoes to survive. What was worse was that it was so early in the morning that we had all become Twerlies and had to actually pay for the bus fares. (Scandal!)

Fortunately S.B. had a map and wellingtons. This worried some of the others – would the route be wet or muddy? Not blinkin' harf, thought Lafayette. You lot just don't know what we've got in store for you! The weather was a bit dull and it was evident that it had rained a bit since the recce. However we started off OK on a small country lane

which led to a very pleasant church

with lots of graves outside – (mostly of dead people.)

There was a Baron's grave which Froggy claimed to have some sort of connection with and which seemed to have some sort of breathing tube attached. (maybe it was a vampire baron with asthma.)

Matt and Curly went inside the church and made wondrous cooing sounds – the lure of religion – and we all wandered around

and Lafayette sat in the childrens' playpen area and rested his poor, tired limbs.

Outside we went down a path and through a pleasant wood

where birds were singing and fairies were hiding

(probably.) Matt himself began to drop hints about his proposed trip to Peru later in the year. This had started off as a solo holiday but was now attracting followers of which there were now at least two. The mystery was who they were, and how they had managed to pay the enormous entry fee. Froggy (being one of them ) was annoyed that his wife had managed to get one up on him and travel to Peru last year without him. Maybe it was a bit like the Gambia where middle aged wives just go off to on a whim because it's got nice shops.

Anyway, outside the wood the ramble started in earnest. This was where the map was needed. The route consisted of very similar looking fields

all of which were wet, boggy, muddy and treacherous.

Lafayette told everyone not to worry as the fifth field up on the right held a surprise for everyone. He hinted that the field was full of exotic brown butterflies ( a bit like fairies but not so intelligent). The trouble was that Lafayette was joshing and bantering and the brown butterflies had horns and waggy, long tails.

This is where S.B. and Laf. had suddenly found themselves the focus of attention of a petite herd of about thirty bullocks

on Monday last. Now bullocks (especially brown ones) are very curious animals who knew that our two NERDS were extra special beings worthy of their attention. All that Laf. and S.B. were trying to do was get out of this filthy, muddy, wet field into the next filthy, muddy, wet field without falling into the swamp underneath. The bullocks decided to race around the field to corral the two NERDS. S.B. was thinking of leaping over the barbed wire fence at the side of the field to escape but Lafayette who originally came from farming stock in rural Staffordshire knew that bullocks only attack people who wear red sweaters (like Froggy had on by coincidence that day.) So Laf. bravely stood his ground and the bullocks gazed on him in awe and rattled past into the next field.

That day though, the bullocks were all dotted about the filthy, muddy wet field bored with life in general and not bothered about the arrival of several timorous NERDS and their squelching feet. Hardly a head was raised, even Froggy in his red jumper managed to sidle past without being gored and stomped upon. Lafayette laughed inwardly and resolved to bring some firecrackers for next time.

We arrived at a fairy-tale tower

which Sandyballs said was not a folly but a tower which you could hire

and go away to with someone you like, and shag your brains out. He said he had once been seen off by some irate German guest there when he had been seen peeping through the windows. Lafayette sat down, the excitement was getting too much for him. Hipflasks were produced by him and Curly and time out was called to consult the map.

Fortunately Sandyballs must have had a new perspective on the route from that of earlier in the week. We seemed to be short-cutting more successfully except for when we got hemmed in by barbed wire fences

and they were just too big to leap over. Froggy said it all reminded him of the route along Hadrian's Wall where some local had told him he couldn't possibly get lost unless he was a complete moron. The other NERDS kept tactfully silent at this point.

Finally we got back to the fairy wood

which led back to the church

which led back to the pub. Incidentally this was The Roebuck at Laughton

just in case anybody is sufficiently moronic to get lost round here again. One of its more stranger assets is the gents toilet which has grotesque gargoyle features for you to piss in

. Another quirky feature was that of what appeared to be a dead suit of armour lying on the roof. What with all the fairies in the woods too the NERDS thought they were being pursued by enchantment.

However it was not fairy magic that was coming after us but a somewhat disheveled Paco with the slavering monster known as Bandido. Despite being rung up by two different people and reminded about the ramble, Paco had forgotten that he was supposed to be monster-sitting for his friend, Imogen, that day.

Luckily he had remembered where lunch was and how to get there so he had driven up to keep us company.

The food in the Roebuck wasn't bad but on the expensive side. Paco sat next to the fire

and fried, and Bandido wandered around everyone else's table and generally made himself popular. (Aren't the general public soppy about large dogs approaching them for choice bits of the meal they're eating.) After all this we got the only other bus going back to Lewes that week and disappeared to our various directions.

Congratulations to Sandyballs for having found a completely new, new ramble

in a place so obscure that they needed goblins in the toilets to attract people in. Sandyballs' daughter allegedly lives further up the road but finds public transport a bit restricted so sometimes has to borrow her neighbour's broomstick to get to work. Lafayette thinks he had been drinking calvados when he had seen brown butterflies on his reconnoitre ramble, but then - it's strange in the country!

Lafayette.

April 2018 Ramble advance notice

Dear All,

Today Lafayette and myself did a recce for Wednesday’s ramble as this is a BRAND NEW RAMBLE, lunching at a BRAND NEW PUB (for the NERDS) using a BRAND NEW method of transport (the 143 bus). It was a good ramble, apart from having to negotiate a field full of bulls! The terrain was - er, - soft. You could make a case for doing it in wellies, although the last mile and a half is on tarmac. The choice is yours.

Don’t forget the early start the 08.18 train from Seaford!

Sandyballs

April 2018 Ramble Joining Instructions

We ramble on Wednesday 11th. Whoops!- sorry about the late notice. This month we are starting and ending the walk at The Roebuck pub in Laughton. Getting there is slightly problematic - there is a Rambler bus from Lewes bus station but it is a very occasional service.

Therefore it will necessitate an early start. It will mean that Seaford types will have to take the - gulp-08.18 train to Lewes. I will meet you inside the Runaway café and after a coffee we will stroll to the bus station for the next leg of the journey. I understand that those NERDS who have been retired for a longer period than myself may have to refer to the manual to find out how their alarm clocks work!

As ever the weather forecast is fine for Wednesday. However there may be some soft stuff underfoot…………

Sandyballs

March 2018 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 340 – Wed. 7th Mar. '18.

Those Present

NERDS – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Curly, The Bish, Paco.

Guest Nerds – Imogen, Bandido.

Darksiders – Steady Eddie, Jane, Debbie, Marion, Roger, Dave, Robert.

Joint Ramble March 2018.

Lafayette received notification of the next Darkside ramble. He opened his diary

and there on the same date was written “NERDS.” Shock, horror, nasty empty sinky feeling – Lafayette was double booked! Would he have to make a choice about which faction to follow – the easy going NERDS who rambled not a lot but spent most of their time being sociable in pubs, or the more professional Darkside who believed that walking was actually an essential part of a “ramble” but who also were not averse to being sociable in pubs. Tricky this, hmm.

Fortunately, Lafayette noticed that the starting venue for the Darksiders was to be in Lewes. “Aha,” thought Laf. maybe with my infinite powers of persuasion I can swing a joint venture and get out of this embarassing hole wot I have dug.” And so after a couple of phone calls to a couple of Ramble Masters the project was give joint blessing to go forward. Phew! So now nothing could go wrong.......

It was the due day. Everyone had been told to be in the right place at (more or less) the right time. Darksiders and NERDS had been checking each other out on Google to see if there were any maniacs in the other group which they might have to avoid. (Both sides were keeping stumm about their own secret maniacs.) People started drifting in to The Runaway (cafe) on Lewes station; The NERDS started ordering coffee cognacs and putting their feet up.

Then came the alarming news that the trains were all screwed up from points north. Some pillock had decided to end it all on the track at Streatham and so people were not going to be on time and the whole venture would become a disaster – scream!! Lafayette was gnawing his elbows down to the shoulder blades; He was contemplating committing hara kiri and had already got Sandyballs to agree to behead him in an honourable way. What a disgrace! His whole family would have to leave Nehaven and go into exile! Meanwhile the rest of the NERDs had apparently noticed nothing amiss and were quietly reading newspapers, petting the odd black dog and getting on with seeing how many cafe cognacs they could drink.

Steady Eddie came up with the obvious solution. “ Let the laggards get a taxi to the next destination or just follow us along the road.” he suggested. OK, Lafayette came down from the ceiling, somebody poured a cafe cgnac down his throat ( good for stress) and the lumbering crocodile set off in a raggedy, un-coordinated way out of Lewes and towards The Juggs for the (one and only) pit stop.

The weather was not too bad even though it was early March. It was not cold and we were keeping to the tarmaccy bits so that nobody really got muddy feet. Steady Eddie and Lafayette raced together to The Juggs in Kingston so that they could stand on the high ground and indicate the venue to all the slower ones.

The Juggs was the same as ever.

It had a roaring fire which paralysed everyone who was daft enough to sit in its vicinity, and enough beer to keep both groups happy. Bandido objected to having his photo taken and barked at Froggy.

Sandyballs took out his deaf aid ( all the better to hear you with, my dear) and offered to lend it to Roger to enhance his cycling experience.

Matt looked at the women of the Darkside

and decided he'd never seen anything so exotic; NERDS don't have regular women in their group; they don't understand them; they come in different shapes and sizes and have different priorities in life. They do sometimes buy you drinks with a view to making you do things you don't understand but a whole book could be written about women and their wiles. Anyway, shortly afterwards, the two laggards, Marion and Dave turned up a little late and breathless from having to catch up and so the two groups were now complete in numbers.

Lunch was to be taken back in Lewes so Lafayette and Steady Eddie managed to prise everyone away from the bar and the fire to head for the next destination. The continuing walk took in a white windmill

and a horse enclosure where B.T had once been molested by a randy donkey. (Things were different then; B.T. had no central NERDS committee to complain about the donkey's harrassment. In those days he would have simply have been laughed at and told to fuck off. Probably the same nowadays actually. But I digress.

The route proceeded over the Downs

which, now that the sun had come out, gave on to a marvellous view over Sussex, over the Mighty Ouse and even as far as the sea. Steadie Eddie, Lafayette and Debbie admired the view

and descended the Downy path towards Lewes prison (national monument) and then headed towards Southover along a muddy path on the outskirts of Lewes.

Arriving on Suicide Bridge

over the A27 Lafayette suffered another panic attack. He had arranged for the NERDS/Darksiders to eat at 1300hrs in the Swan Inn at Southover but it was now 5 to 1. Would we be in time? Would the pub wait for us? Would they cancel our tables (we were 14 people after all.) what if it all went wrong? Oh the disgrace! Oh the ignominy! Would everybody hate him? Lafayette borrowed Debbie's phone and hysterically phoned the pub saying we all might be late and how terribly, terribly sorry he was (grovel, grovel). The pub didn't mind, in fact the pub didn't give a toss, and Steady Eddie just stood there with a disdainful look and said “ If you hadn't wasted time doing that we would have been there five minutes ago.” How true. How true.

And so of course we weren't late at all and we walked in and greeted Robert who had driven down to see us because he had a bad hip and everything started going to Lafayette's plan again.

We had all been put on two separate, adjacent tables, and because of the natural order of things the NERDS

went on one table and the Darksiders on the other. No discrimination like, just separate tribes. Except Lafayette sat himself on the Darkside table because they don't bitch as much and you get more drinks out of their whip.

Unfortunately he was sitting with his back to the NERDS

and every so often was aware of threatening rumblings of conversation. “What have I done now?” thought Lafayette. “Do they think I've insulted them? Have they got it in for me? Are they plotting to take away my title of NERDS' Scribe and hand it over to Froggy? Do they think he's a better writer than me? Is my NERD life over?” Lafayette's inner torment shreiked at him.

Meanwhile behind him the NERDS, totally unaware of all this mental paranoia merely got on with their meals and carried on swigging their drinks and ignored Lafayette.

The food was pretty good. Some of the Darkside had Nigerian chicken curry (!!) which was quite pleasant, then a load of wine, then more wine, then cafes with clandestine calvados then it all got a bit blurry.

The NERDS disappeared early leaving Lafayette behind to wonder if they had gone out to set up an ambush for him somewhere to kick him into unconsciousness and to feed him to that big, black dog they'd brought with them. But in the event nothing of this sort happened.

After lunch Lafayette's nerves were in such shreds that he grabbed a couple of Darkside women and ran off with them to the Depot in Lewes to hide and to drink lots of gin. Marion and Debbie seemed to like the Depot, it was classy after all and some of the bar staff were young and male so the ladies were happy. Of course, Lafayette's secret drinking tryst was interrupted by Mrs Sandyballs who came and introduced herself to the Darksiders, but who Lafayette just knew had been sent over by Sandyballs to spy on him and report back to the NERDS. “She'll just tell them my literary talents have all disappeared and Froggy will definitely be the new Scribe,” he thought. Luckily after that he blacked out and found himself back at Lavender Lodge.

Well, apart from all the mental organisational anguish which that day had caused Lafayette (joke), the ramble seemed to have gone OK and both NERDS and Darksiders seemed to have had a good time. Thanks be to all who came from miles away and thanks to those who were injured (Robert) and who just came to see us.

Maybe Lafayette will do a joint cliff walk ramble in the summer if he's still in the NERDS then and not been gobbled up by a big black dog. Vamos a Ver.

Lafayette.