April's Ramble 2016

NERDS' Ramble No. 317 – 27th April 2016.

Those Present – Lafayette, Froggy, Curly, Paco, Matt, The Bish.

Those not Present – Sandyballs.

The Emergency Ramble.



Sandyballs had been faced with a crisis. He had intended to take everyone over to Ringmer to meet Bronco – to say hello, and to try out lunch in The Plough – but a timing malfunction had occurred. Although Sandyballs was never, ever going back to work at Gatwick (because he felt exploited; because he was older than everyone else; because the CIOs were all seventeen year old girlies who paid him no respect; because it meant sitting on the desk for about 8 hours etc. etc.) so, despite all this shit, SB felt obliged to attend a well paid re-training programme on the day of the ramble just in case anybody came crawling on their knees to him begging for his return. Nuff said........

And so Brave Lafayette had stepped into the breach to cover up for SB's sins. You see, normally Laf. would have been to see his dear, old, demented 115 year old grandmother

who he visited every day in her nursing home, to hold her hand and to make her a cup of tea. However because of Sandyballs' excessive love of money Laf had had to give up his pious good work to get out the rambling maps and to work out a new route, not to mention having to organise lunch somewhere at short notice.

Nevertheless a good number of NERDS rolled up at Lavender Lodge

on the due day, and Curly had even been thoughtful enough to provide a bottle of Cava to get everyone into the mood for er....

more drinking. Mrs Lafayette came and took photos of everyone while Matt regaled us with a tale of how he had once been held up at Sorrento airport where terrorists had spent hours torturing him by forcing him to eat all the McFlurry icecreams on the plane.

Eventually the ramble got under way. The NERDS went from chez Lafayette down towards Denton island,

and then through the little known, but interesting wild part of North Newhaven where the flora and fauna were different and where the fat, tattooed baby elephants pushing prams

, the usual inhabitants of the town, were not to be seen.

A little further on we passed close by Piddinghoe Sailing Club where Matt made a friend with a man who was titting about with his boat, and asked him to sail away with him to America. The man sensibly declined. We walked along the bank of The Mighty Ouse where the day was sunny but with a cold wind. We admired the retro, post renaissance, gothic architecture of The Incinerator which Lewes District Council was trying to turn into a listed building to attract that summer's influx of tourists away from the fleshpots of Brighton. Further along was the famous Newhaven Marina where all the local oligarchs moored their yachts, and yes, there in pride of place was the Admiral's huge, fabulous catamaran

which was rivalled only by the luxury vessel owned by B.T. in the South of France. Truly Newhaven was the jewel in the crown of the south coast of England where the rich gathered to see and be seen and to flaunt their conspicuous consumption!

But back to the poor NERDS. A quick pit stop was arranged at the Jolly Boatman

where Lafayette had spent many a happy hour before he had moved to Lavender Lodge over at the posh part of the town. As I may have mentioned previously the Jolly Boatman is a pleasant, spit and sawdust, roll-your-own type of pub

which serves a good pint. When we were comfortably ensconced in its circle of armchairs the conversation turned to food.

The Bish told us how he had always thought that Morrisson's sausages were a little bland in flavour until the previous week when they had suddenly got better. Matt mentioned that he had heard that Magnus Gilroy while working on the deli counter at Morrissons had inadvertantly chopped off one of his fingers and maybe that had something to do with the increase in quality.

Feeling hungry now, the NERDS headed out of the pub to make for the Flying Fish at Denton where lunch was to take place. The sky clouded over and it began to rain.

We were still half a mile from The Fish and Paco discovered he had no coat and was going to get wet, but fortunately we arrived before any great damage was done.

Recognising that the NERDS were special, the pub had reserved us a pleasant table in the corner so we could be apart from the local hoi poloi and so that we could conduct our exciting and dicreet conversations in privacy.

As it happened the pub's consideration of our special status was all for nought as we were the only customers that day. Froggy was late in joining the table and got into a strop because all the white chairs had been taken and so a mini game of musical chairs took place until he was satisfactorily seated.

The food was OK but took a long time in coming largely it seemed because one youth was running the bar and the kitchen at the same time.

Wednesdays must be a bit slow in Denton.

Finally the ramble broke up with Matt going to Sainsburys for his weekly shop – because it was classier than Morrissons, and The Bish going to Morrissons to get some more sausages. A suggestion that The NERDS carried on drinking at The Engineer was vetoed because nobody used the whip anymore and Bob was only accepting bitcoins these days because he'd gone over to doing business on the Dark Web.

So, that was the April ramble. Thanks to Curly for his generous gift of a bottle of cava to start it all off, and to Lafayette for taking over the reins of responsibility at short notice. We wish Sandyballs well in his attempt never to return to Gatwick to make even more money from a dying institution, and if all goes to plan we shall see Bronco next month – Inch' a' Allah.



Bye bye.


Lafayette.

May's Ramble date

Dear NERDS,

The next ramble will be on Wednesday 18th May since most of us can make that date.

Sandyballs will be issuing joining instructions in due course, and the general idea is to start in Lewes and end up in Ringmer where we shall meet Bronco for lunch.

Make sure you're all fit enough for the competitive sprint up Chapel Hill!



Lafayette.

New arrangements for April's Ramble

Dear NERDS,

Sadly, Sandyballs is unable to attend next Wednesday's ramble and so has delegated the organisation to me.

Because of the threat of divine vengeance, threat of plague and/or rail strikes we shall now have to proceed to NERDS' Plan C.

Meet up at Lavender Lodge Newhaven at 10 30 ish on Wednesday and we shall ramble to The Flying Fish via Piddinghoe.

Pray there's not a bus strike as well that day.

Lafayette.

April's Ramble problems

Thanks to eagle-eyed Captain, I have been informed that there is a planned rail strike on Tuesday and Wednesday. If it goes ahead there will probably be no trains at all between Seaford and Lewes. Of course the strike may be called off - in which case Paco will not have to be involved in secondary picketing!

There is very little in the way of bus links between Lewes and Seaford. The 123 service is very infrequent and only goes from Newhaven. After discussion with Lafayette it has been decided that, as a Plan B, we will all take a bus to Brighton and do a ramble from there. Of course Brighton can be reached by bus for all of us.

So we will have to wait and see how things develop. Possibility of the strike being cancelled in which case we can do Plan A and have lunch with Bronco. Will be in touch again probably Monday evening.

SB

April's Ramble ?

This month we stroll on Wednesday 27th. It is planned that we walk to Ringmer from Lewes - over the top (although some would say that the NERDS have been 'Over the Top' for a long time). There will be inevitably some hill climbing - especially up Chapel Hill.

The idea is that we lunch at the newly reopened Anchor pub in Ringmer, where we will be joined by Bronco! so I hope we can all make it. Bronco has confirmed he will be there, although he may need cheering up because of the departure of Crunchie to The Great Paddock in the Sky...... Crunchie 2 is apparently on his way though.

Train and meeting info to follow.

Happy frolicking in the Spring sunshine.

SB

March 2016 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 316. 23rd March 2016.

(More about this later)



A Brief Note about a NERDS' expedition on St Patrick's Day.

A thin cluster of NERDS turned out on 17th March to celebrate St Patrick's Day. They were Sandyballs, Lafayette, Dio and Paco. Unfortunately Matt, Curly and Froggy were otherwise engaged ie. hols and such like, so not such a howling mob as in years gone by.
Coffee and Jamesons were served at Lavender Lodge where Dio told us of his experience on a previous St Pat's day when he had been a bodyguard for someone famous on a float in New York. Paco told us how his uncle had fought in the Spanish Civil War but had always got time off to go and drink Guinness somewhere when St Pat's name cropped up. Then we looked at a charming dvd of the big NERDS arsing about in Lewes about 1992, and thereafter of the baby Nerdlings pratting about up on Mount Caburn during the famous picnic when B.T. fell over and smashed his face in. ( He got better).
The expedition travelled by bus to Rottingdean where the NERDS started off drinking in the Black Horse. However we were driven out as a result of someone wanting to have a wake there which dampened down the party atmosphere a bit.
Lunch was taken at The Plough, the pub by the duck pond. The place had gone up-market since the food and drink cost considerably more than last year and we had waitress service “inflicted” on us. However.......our waitress (Georgina) raised everyone's morale (so to speak). She was young, very pretty and from Puerto Rica. It was therefore a good excuse for Paco to show off that he spoke a modicum of spanish. Nevertheless the beer was more than £4 a pint – but I guess you pay for the pleasure of the waitresse's attention. ( She was rather nice).
The NERDS decided they weren't going to make this into a proper ramble since by now they were all emotionally drained and some of us were going out later that evening. Lafayette had never been to The Queen Victoria, a pub near the bus stop, and so we went there and drank Jamesons again. It was a very old fashioned pub, narrow but long, but sadly seemed to be bereft of nice puerto-rican barmaids.
And so, mindful of their livers and their other social commitments, the NERDS called a halt to that day's “ excursion” and went home by bus. There had not been a lot of attention paid to St Pat himself, but we had made a new friend and some of us had practised their spanish. Wonder when Puerto Rico National Day takes place........
The Real March Ramble 23/3/16. - done for the benefit of B.T.
Those Present – B.T. (of course), Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs,
Matt.

Froggy had bought himself a new hat.

He'd finally taken the plunge and bought an Old Fart's flat cap – just like Lafayette's only a different colour. B.T. had come over from France but hadn't got a new hat; he'd brought Lafayette some French booze which the latter was keeping a secret from the rest of the NERDS just in case they turned up thirsty again at Lavender Lodge.

Now, because The Yew Tree in Arlington had been such a welcoming pub last ramble we had decided to take B.T. there for lunch in the hope of getting another free drink out of bonhomie-ous landlord, Pete. Sadly this is not how things worked out.

Aperitifs were taken at the caff on Lewes station

while we waited for the train

to Berwick.

Meanwhile, B.T. took photos of absolutely everything that moved and many a thing that didn't. Froggy's girlfriend, The Ginger M.......arvel, wasn't there that day. Froggy was disappointed; he wanted to impress her with his new hat. “ Never mind,” he said, “ I'll show it to the barmaid with the big tits at The Yew Tree, she's always nice to me, and she'll be impressed!”

First of all a chance to seek out the Milf at the Berwick Inn

and try some charm on her. As usual the NERDS were the only ones there

but at least they'd got a fire going.

No Milfs around however until two sweaty girls in running gear came in and went upstairs to do heaven knows what to each other in the shower, (stop it, stop it).

Then we drank Harvey's and sat by the fire while B.T. told us about his lavish, millionaire lifestyle on his yacht

down in the South of France, and how he did nothing but drink red wine

and calvados

and took photos of the many models

who attended his sumptuous parties.

One or two of us were a bit dubious about the veracity of this account, especially Lafayette who was the honestest of all the NERDS and never told any fibs.

A feature of this particular ramble was that the whip was reintroduced since everyone had decided that they did actually want to drink as opposed to all that “My body is a temple,” rubbish that had been spouted at previous rambles. Fortunately Lafayette had found some scruffy pig skin purse which he kept the money in. Froggy was dying to take it off him but Lafayette was adamant that he was going to do it his way.

The ramble proper began. Just as we were crossing the first field another rambling group seemed to join us

from a different direction. They were obviously “proper” ramblers because they had sticks and maps (and were sober). Some of them even were girlies. One such moved in on Froggy. “ That's a nice hat you've got ,” she said. “Yes, It's my rambling hat,” replied Froggy. “ It makes me big and strong so that I can carry on walking for hours and hours.”

The girly was obviously impressed. These proper ramblers were getting further and further ahead, and so was Froggy. The lure of the pheromones had proved too much. Girlies are divisive, that's why we had NERDS' Rule No 1, but Froggy was getting more and more wrapped up in impressing this female. The girly was getting bolder. “Do you think I could actually er... touch your hat?” she began. But at this point the NERDS had had enough and dragged poor Froggy back down to earth to reinstate him with his proper kind. God, have you ever seen a NERD sulk!

The NERDS crossed some more muddy fields and eventually reached the reservoir.

The weather wasn't very good being bleak and rather windy. Matt said a girly had talked to him once and he'd run away before she could touch his hat. Lafayette said they were different on Darkside rambles when they all drank prosecco and giggled a lot, but he didn't really understand why they did this. The NERDS all agreed that girlies were dangerous unless they were barmaids or waitresses and were best avoided, especially if they were “proper” ramblers what with sat navs and stuff like that.

We came to a bridge

; the one where B.T. used to perform his acrobatic balancing act along the rail over the river. Fortunately he felt too old and fat to repeat this feat

even though we offered to film it for the benefit of the supermodels on his yacht. Poor things, they might have had to find another sugar daddy to bankroll them.

The meal in The Yew Tree was well up to standard and we got put into the back annex where there was plenty of room for us to sing, shout and tell jokes. We had been looking forward to seeing Pete and maybe getting a free drink, but alas he was allegedly out playing golf, not avoiding loud NERDS, as we all suspected. Neither was Froggy's (other) special friend there; the barmaid with the big tits. Maybe she had joined another rambling group to get her weight down. Hey, perhaps she'd joined the Darkside!

So, although the fare was good

, it had been a bit of a disappointment in The Yew Tree from a social point of view. However Froggy made yet more new friends with a fat couple who said they went out to lunch at a different pub every day. “ Do you go rambling as well?” asked Froggy. “ Not a chance.” they replied. “We wouldn't want to have to deal with all that walking, photo taking and write-up shit. Far better to just stuff our faces in comfort.” Matt thought this was such a good idea he made a mental note to start (yet another) NERDS spinoff club devoted to dining and witty conversation. Watch this space.
Back over the fields

we went

to The Berwick

. The fire was still going so we settled down for more witty conversation and more beer. The former was enlivened by Sandyball's enthusiastic account of his new book on how to commit suicide

in a clean and tasteful way. Something to give as a Christmas present to one's aging mother in law perhaps?

Our last stop was in the Runaway Cafe (again) where we made the aquaintance of Alice

the Barmaid who was standing in that day for the Ginger Marvel, and who was considerably younger and prettier than her colleague. Alice had that eager enthusism of youth whereby she drank in every thing we told her and actually believed Lafayette when he said he'd make her famous. NERDS and barmaids, what's this all about then? Anybody would think our wives don't understand us.

Well, it had been a ramble that was slightly less muddy than last month, and you are always guaranteed a good meal at The Yew Tree. Froggy had made some new, if somewhat dubious, friends, and it had been nice to see B.T. again, even if he didn't perform any death defying acrobatic feats for us. Next month we hope to see Bronco, possibly in the new re-vamped Anchor at Ringmer.





Bye bye from........Lafayette.

St. Patrick's Day Ramble

Dear NERDS,

Thursday 17th March - ie. next Thursday.

You already know the itinerary so I won't go into details - Lavender Lodge, Rottingdean, St Dunstan's, Brighton Marina, MacDonalds, Fiddlers Elbow, Wetherspoons etc.

Meet chez moi any time after 10 00hrs on the 17th and I shall be serving Jamesons as an aperitif.

Oh, and wear a lot of shitty green stuff.



Lafayette.

February's Exciting Ramble 2016

NERDS' Ramble No.315. Wed. 17th Feb. 2016.

Those Present – Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs, Matt,, The Bish.

Cury Clarke.

Back To Pete's.

Sandyballs needed inspiration

for a route this month. He was already looking ahead to the St Patrick's Day Ramble

, quickly followed by the “I'm here as a special Guest,” ramble which is when B.T. comes over. So what to do? Where to go? No problem we'll just recycle an old favourite and go round the reservoir to Pete's place (The Yew Tree) in Arlington.
Paco never turned up, of course, (probably hibernating)

but Matt rolled up in his new hat looking like a polish railway worker

. Very chic.Why couldn't he be prettier and look like a polish barmaid ?shucks! Anyway off we went to see the actual real, genuine, lovely blonde polish barmaid in the Runaway cafe on Lewes

station. Svetlana, for this was her name, always sighed sensuously when Lafayette would order a mocha coffee and asked her to put a brandy in it. Clearly she's a girl more used to lying naked, sipping vodka

enveloped in a bearskin on the steppes of central Europe – but I digress..........
The NERDS got the train to Berwick, closely following some nice girlie wearing stockings and a thigh tattoo (just like your mom did after the war) and sat down to work out a plan of action. When this came to nought they piled off the train with the Bish twisting his knee in this delicate operation, and went straight into The Berwick Inn

to see which Milf had taken over the place that month. It's an amazing fact that we come in here about every six months or so and there is always someone new in charge. Could be that they don't light the fire early enough, or the beer's off or there are too many frogs

in the garden, or the aliens have just put a curse on the place, but whatever it is there's never any other customers there but happily there's always a new milfy girlie there.
This one was rather unusual. A good six footer, she thrust our pints at us in a thrusty sort of way and Froggy immediately fell in love. The fire wasn't lit, and Lafayette didn't have Paco with him to get it going (see the Christmas Ramble). The place was cold and nipples

were beginning to harden so we drank up and resolved to face the outside world of freezing winds and boggy fields.
Sandyballs had warned us that there would be mud

, and, yes, there was lots of it. Sucky, sloppy, make sure you don't fall down in it type mud. We waded on. The Bish suffered; his poorly knee was clearly playing him up. We climbed a dangerous hill up to where you could see the reservoir and found ourselves confronted by an extremely muddy field containing a vast herd of excitable, wild horses

.What were we to do ? There was no going round them since the way forward was limited. So Lafayette put his faith in his own natural animal magnetism and climbed over the fence prepared to die for the sake of his companions. At this point the Bish, said he'd forgotten that Wednesday was when he usually washed his hair and turned round to limp back home.(No comment.)
Lafayette boldly strode forward, slosh, slosh, slosh. The wild horses rode towards him - thunder, thunder, thunder. A bloody tragedy looked inevitable

; the rest of the NERDS looked on anxiously wondering how they would break the news of Lafayette's heroic death to his poor weeping wife and children. But then, with a masterful gesture, Lafayette raised his hand and the charging hordes stopped. They weakened, and approached him submissively seeking a gift of apples or the like

. Lafayette smiled, he knew he had not been in danger, for who would dare to attack a member of The Holy NERDS!
Lafayette led his troops across the muddy field pausing only to deride the faithless cowardice of the Bish who by now was undoubtedly enjoying a sick day away from his rambling duties. The reservoir was approached and we all sang “Hey Delilah”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQIK3Te9Coo

Eventually we arrived at B.T. Bridge where our French member used to teeter along the parapet in the latter stages of rambles when he had enjoyed “ a good lunch.” Fortunately nobody was daft enough to try this today

, so we all crossed a stream,

through another field of miserable looking sheep, and we were in the lane that led to Pete's Pub.
The Yew Tree is a warm, cosy pub where rich pensioners with nothing else to do arrive in their hordes at about lunch time. The car park is always packed - not surprising since you're in the middle of the country – so the NERDS sat on the step and politely removed their boots

. Lafayette had thought ahead and put on his indoor sandels. Matt said he preferred to get his socks wet with urine when he went to the bog! Takes all sorts! Inside we all decided to have a roast, and knowing Pete's habit of giving you tons and tons of veg, this turned out to be a good decision. Lafayette had his usual Belgian chocolate icecream with a (small) bottle of Baileys, and resisted Sandyball's suggestion to repeat the exercise like he did once Christmas (Laf. likes icecream).
Peter himself emerged from the hinterland

and engaged us in conversation. He makes a very good host and almost remembers which one is Sandyballs and which one is Laf. After a general moan about the cost of expensive children and the profligacy of wives, Peter bought everyone a drink

and reminisced about the mad foreign one amongst us who used to sing and play the piano (badly). So we told him that Philby was dead and that the world was now a quieter place, and he was a little bit sad. We decided to arrange the second March ramble to come back to display B.T. to Peter to see if he remembered him, but in reality it was just cos we'd had such a good meal there we all wanted to go back. So now you know where you're going in March, Brian.
Since we'd all got fed and were mellow nobody wanted to brave the crappy fields or the ravaging Horses of the Apocolypse again, so we made our way back along the road. It was a lot safer and a lot less muddy. Of course we ended up in the Berwick Inn again and at least there was a fire to sit by. Matt produced some old photos of the NERDS taken about 1988

, and we all thought how handsome we looked in those days – but how much richer we were these days. Pity you can’t buy back youth with riches otherwise we'd all be broke.
And so a pleasant ramble and a good dinner which the Bish missed because of his cowardice and his poorly knee. Let's hope he gets better soon. Next ramble is St Paddy's when we welcome Dio back. He's not very Irish but he likes to go round and drink Guinness like in New York.
Nierdos Para Siempre.
Lafayette.

February 2016 Joining Instructions

This month we walk on Wednesday 17th. We will be revisiting an old favourite - the reservoir route from Berwick to Pete place - aka The Yew Tree.

Yes - again. Why not? Your Routemaster has to devise TWO Rambles for March - the 17th for the usual St Paddy's bash and the 23 rd for the BT special. Therefore I have had to fall back on a well-worn old favourite for this month

So Seaford/ Newhaven types take the 10.25 to Lewes where we will foregather at The Runaway Cafe prior to taking the 11.09 to Berwick. Maps will not be required but, to paraphrase the title of a Daniel Day-Lewis film, "There May Be MUD".

A visit to The Berwick Arms

cannot be ruled out.......







Sandyballs