September 2014 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 298 - 26^th Sept. 2014.

Those Present – Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs, Matt, The Bish, Curly Clarke.

The Bramble Ramble.

First of all an important announcement to all NERDS. It will soon be (numerically speaking) the 300^th ramble. Since, however,  Lafayette failed to notice this in good time to enable everyone to organise the mass celebrations which are obviously appropriate for this huge event, the NERDS steering committee has made the following decision. October's and November's rambles will be respectively nos. 299 and 301. Ramble No. 300 will be held next May when everyone has had time to consider the gravity of the occasion and been able to agree on a venue. Sorry, B.T. Your suggestion of Marrakesh was shot down in flames. The other NERDS didn't like the idea of provoking ISIL by having a big piss-up in a muslim country however cheap the Easyjet tickets might be. (Nice try, though!)

Anyway, on to ramble 298. There was an exceptional attendance today with the Bish and Curly Clarke both gracing us with their presences. Paco was still making his ambitious climb up the Border Control career greasy pole at Gatwick. We hope to hear that he will soon be in over-all contol and ridding the country of absolutely every single illegal immigrant who ever dared show his filthy face..... rant, rant  don't get me started. Anyway Paco wasn't with us that day.

Sandyballs has got us a new route beginning at Cooksbridge,

but first we had to meet S.B. at Lewes to know where we were going.

Everybody put on baseball caps to greet (and confuse) him. The signs were ominous when we saw he'd got an ordnance survey map with him. How far were we going then? No matter, the weather, albeit overcast, was warm and the countryside round there was very pleasant and er.. pastoral so we set off optimistically.

First of all we got lost a bit in a field then got our bearings somewhere in the vicinity of  Hamsey Manor (Very poshe and just Lafayette's style).

Then the Bish started collecting conkers until we got to a field with a couple of rams in it who were obviously worried we had designs on their sheep until Froggy assured them in welsh that we hadn't.

Matt, meanwhile was dancing around announcing it was “ Touch a Tit “ Day and trying to tweak everyone's nipples. ( Ah, yes, we do have lots of fun on NERDS' rambles.) And after all this excitement we tried to cross a small bridge into another field and got hopelessly enmeshed in brambles (hence the name of the ramble this month)[ not to be confused with the 2009 July Bramble Ramble]. So many fantastic events we were nearly dying of excitement by this stage.

Shortly after we went into a bit of a wood in the vain hope we might just discover the missing girls which Boko Haram had abducted – but it appeared they hadn't yet got as far as East Sussex so no black mistresses for us that day. On, on to a remarkable church

(Our Lady of the Touchy Tits) which had a very interesting pool infront of it where Our Lady used to drown witches whenever she got pissed off at people trying to touch her tits. Matt thought he would chance his arm (or finger) at this since it was his special day (T.a.T. Day) but was met at the front door by our Lady herself who tried to lure him in with promises of coffee and sex, and with the obvious intention of converting him into a Protestant. Matt sensibly fled while the rest of the NERDS thought he ought to have stayed with the sex he knew (the right handed sort) rather than mix up his religious fantasies like this.Yes, Matt, I know, that your solicitor is currently looking for work.

We walked down the lane from the church and Lafayette had his photo taken in what looked like a large African hut

at the side of the road, (Lagos House). 'No Boko Haram girls in there,' he reported disappointedly; 'Our Lady up the road must have drowned them all as witches in a fit of pique.'

At this point Froggy and Curly were comparing their Burger House shirts which were identical except that Froggy was complaining that Curly had been using him as  a sartorial role model and was trying to dress exactly as he did (as if Curly gave a toss). Meanwhile Sandyballs took off his jacket and revealed his own Gay Cyclists tee shirt which had a much more elaborate pattern and put Froggy's dull black tee shirt quite to shame.

Eventually we reached Barkham Cross where the Royal Oak beckoned and so we all went in.

Not a bad pub where we all sat outside in the pleasant garden and stuffed ourselves. The food and drink were excellent – most of us had lamb and then pudding and then wine and then cheese boards and then more wine until we were replete.

Lafayette went inside to fill up the glasses and noticed a poor, old, scrawny cat drinking water out of a dog's bowl and bouncing off the furniture. In answer to his enquiry, the landlord said proudly, “ We're twinned with some pub up in Shropshire that had a strange dog who kept coming in and colliding with the furniture, so now we've got our own Gatto Ciego who does the same. He's quite sweet really but unfortunately the mice run rings round him. Lafayette was impressed.

After lunch we did some more exciting walking through pleasant fields etc and got really lost once again although S.B. saved us once again with his map.

Eventually we reached the Rainbow at Cooksbridge where we sat in their “Secret Garden”

and drank some more and where Froggy told us a tale about a man who had had a terrible accident and had then had experienced multiple orgasms all day long.

Most of the NERDS couldn't work out whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, but at least it got rid of the boring need to talk to women and buy them presents etc. so maybe it had its advantages .

Down the road we went to get the train back from Cooksbridge, but desastre!

The 16 20 failed to stop leaving us stranded at least two miles from Lewes!

So we just waited for the next train (there were two an hour) and chatted and sobered up a bit – but not too much 'cos we were enjoying ourselves.

Back at Lewes everyone except Matt  and The Bish piled into The Lansdowne Arms and Curly introduced us all to a new drink – Black sambuca – which he'd encountered during his many travels.

Lafayette took to this quite quickly but was a bit wary that its colour might unleash some sort of magic and give him multiple orgasms for ever, especially when the young, pretty barmaid looked at him cutely and asked him if he was pre-loading before a big night out. “No thanks,” said Lafayette, “ Too much effort at my age; I prefer playing bowls and polishing my airguns.” The barmaid had the grace to look disappointed.

So another good ramble. Something new and different for which thanks go to Sandyballs. Remember the juggling of the numbers with the next couple of rambles and after Christmas we shall probably go somewhere exciting for the 300^th, Incha' Allah, as they say in christian countries. Lafayette thought he'd get Matt to consult Our Lady of the Touchy Tits in Cooksbridge for inspiration. After all he's a good Catholic boy and she might well tell him where to go.

That's all for now.

Lafayette.

September Joining Instructions

 Fellow Nerds,

After missing a couple of rambles in the summer I am back in charge of routemastering duties. I recommence with a BRAND NEW RAMBLE (well, sort of). [Bramble?] Unusually we walk on FRIDAY 26th. Details as follows:

You will need a return ticket to Cooksbridge and take the 09.58 from Seaford. When you get to Lewes go IMMEDIATELY  to Platform 2 where I will meet you. We take the 10.19 to Cooksbridge. Lunch is at a MYSTERY DESTINATION.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sandyballs
(Sorry about all the CAPITAL letters again)

NERDS' Ramble No. 297 - 4^th August 2014.

Those Present – Froggy, Matt, Lafayette.

The Maize maze Ramble.

 Sandyballs had delegated this ramble to Lafayette because he was moving his daughter into a house nearer him ( spot the deliberate mistake here). Lafayette had delegated the business to Froggy since he'd done last month's and was so, so exhausted, so Froggy had come up with a wizzo route to Upper Dicker. Pity about the turn out, though. Everybody must have suffered sun stroke from last month or something. Oh well, three's a quorum – or a crowd depending on how you looked at it.

On the train to Lewes Matt happened to drop out that he'd been to Goodwood recently and made a five pound bet – on a horse.Wow!

Such is the high level of excitement in the everyday life of the NERDS. Did he win? We never found out; but just going there and smelling the money had been enough to turn Matt on. Hoping to get a drink out of him Froggy and Laf. manoeuvred him into Vic's on the platform for a cognac but none there was to be found. “No, cognac's off,” spat the ginger dwarf in response to our pleas. “ But we're all over eighteen and it's past ten o'clock,” wheedled Froggy.

To no avail. Heartless cow. “My good woman, don't you know who I am....” began Lafayette, before being shown the empty bottle. “Oh bugger,”he said, “S'pose we'll have to drink rum .”

And so we got just one drink in before the train came to take us to Berwick.

Froggy had taken an original idea from Lafayette, (go round the reservoir, eat at Pete's), looked at it, thought about it, lengthened it and drawn a map. So nothing (in theory) should go wrong. Again it was a nice day and we were in shorts (remember this fact; it becomes relevant later). So we set off towards the reservoir. Except where recently there had been a good view and a bit of a field there was now a pile of maize between us and it,

waving about threateningly like something out of one of those American horror films where children get dragged in and end up as screaming skeletons.

“This wasn't here when I drew the map,” wailed Froggy. “Maybe it's grown since then,” said Laf. “It's a very quick crop.” “Perhaps we might find a pot of gold in the middle, and all become rich,” suggested Matt. “Don't be daft,” retorted Lafayette. “ The only people who would think that are those who believe in leprech.....

anyway we're in England now.” So we carefully skirted the field of maize, went on a bit and found the reservoir in it's usual place.

Lafayette tried out his new binoculars on all the wildlife on the reservoir and found they seemed to get nearer.

Froggy was still having difficulty holding the map the right way up, and Matt was looking fearfully over his shoulder just in case we were being pursued by nasty leprech......whatever, those Irish thingies that turn you into a screaming skeleton. Or is that a banshee? Anyway, we got round the deadly reservoir without too much trouble and headed for Pete's Yew Tree for a pint.

This was nice. We sat in Pete's back garden in the sun and had two pints. Froggy wanted to go back and get a third (something to do with the somewhat mature barmaid having huge knockers which she plonked on the bar while grinning at you) Eventually we told him it was his ramble, he was routemaster and he ought to take his role more seriously – like get us to Upper Dicker in time for lunch.

Apparently that day there had been a minute's silence for World War One at about eleven o'clock. This was just when Froggy was in the middle of telling us about one of his expeditions with His New Best Friends (Derek or Curly Clarke). His eloquence only paused when a renegade wasp flew into his glass and threatened to sting his beer. Lafayette called for an immediate mandatory two minutes silence (might as well cash in) while we killed the wasp and remembered the other forty million dead wasps who had died nose-diving into people's beer over the years.

Anyway on we went and shortly after pitched up at The Plough at Upper Dicker.

Not a bad choice of pub. Bags of room to sit out in the garden;

lots of milfs and kids to oggle at (the milfs, not the kids, of course), pretty good food and lots of Harveys.

Matt made a friend of the landlord of The Plough by talking to him a lot but didn't manage to get a discount – or even a free pudding. Froggy talked about his New Best Friends and Lafayette became jealous because he hadn't got any New Best Friends.

Matt carried on saying he was on hobknobbing terms with Katie Price and Peter Andray at which point Lafayette completely stopped being jealous.

After lunch we wandered round Upper Dicker and photographed a cat lying on a gravestone in a cemetery (where else?).

So Lafayette tried to kidnap it and called it his New Best Friend but the others made him put it back (Bastards!). And so we began the return journey, and guess what, we got lost.

The weather was really pleasant. The sun was shining, the birds were tweeting (or else on Facebook) but after a while Lafayette noticed all the pleasant green fields looked just like each other and Froggy was holding the map upside down again. Oh Dear!

The Routemaster sent us all over one large field to look for the appropriate exit but we just got loster. Round and round we went until Lafayette spied a farm worker who directed us through a shitty farm full of shitty cows. But at least it was in the generally right direction. Until.....

We came to another, what had once been a grassy field, and was now a maize ocean, nay a maize universe of impenetrably high crap. No good for NERDS this. We tried to penetrate (as they say) but got rebuffed. The only way was round the edges between the hedges and the maize. OK, it was do-able but at a cost. Remember we were all in shorts, yes we were, and the only viable way forward was through

a shit load of nettles.

Lafayette reckoned this was one of the most painful twenty minutes he had ever endured on a ramble. It surpassed even watching Philby trying to chat up every barmaid he would meet. (“And now I'm on step 3, kiss her all up her arm and talk to her in poetry while fluttering my big brown eyes” -Ugh!). Yes it was more painful even than this. Requiescat in Excelsis to Philby, and all that.

As we finally emerged somewhere near the Berwick Arms everybody's legs were inflamed and whizzing with nettle rashes zooming up and down. We soon got used to it. We were hard men, were we not NERDS? Yes, but it still hurt like hell! So we went to said pub and consoled ourselves in drink, and admired the barmaid, and didn't chat her up, and then returned to Lewes and thence homewards.

An interesting ramble and getting lost and bitten by nettles, leprechauns and banshees could not be attributed to Froggy. He'd taken us to a couple of good pubs and we'd had a good walk and not a bad meal. So it had been a success!

Hope all you lazy NERDS who didn't come are feeling guilty, and Lafayette hopes all your New Best Friends shun you too.

See you soon.

Lafayette.

NERDS' Ramble No. 296 - 24^th July 2014.

Those Present – NERDS: Froggy, Paco, Lafayette, Matt,

The Bish, Curly Clarke.

Darksiders – Sheila, Marion, Jane, Ed, Dave, Debbie.

Today was another joint bash between NERDS and Darksiders by popular request so that the NERDS could meet other people and hone their social skills by communicating with girlies. ( a long forgotten art).

Well, what a glorious day! It was sunny, it was hot, The NERDS turned up at Newhaven wearing a variety of exotic hats to wow the opposite sex, and clustered together under a tree near the port to protect their headgear.

The Darksiders turned up, were suitably impressed, and the game was afoot. (Or rather the ramble began).

Lafayette was in charge since his ally, Sandyballs, was off er..... doing something else (like being a mercenary at Gatwick or spending his blood money on foreign holidays again). So it was to be a seaside walk over the cliffs towards Peacehaven. Darksiders don't get to see the sea much since they're usually engaged in good works at airports or lying around reading the newspaper and thinking about the good old days etc. so it would be something of a treat for them.

Lafayette took everybody for a stroll through the Newhaven streets (that is, the safe ones where you wouldn't get robbed, importuned or sold out of date British Visitors passports by dodgy Nigerians). Then it was up the hill to the Coastwatch Lookout where Lafayette did most of his charity work (lounging around, drinking tea, talking to girlies and looking out for Somali pirates -

in fact more or less what he did at work, but now for free!)

The sun shone down, the seagulls cawed and it was a good job there was a sea breeze to mitigate the heat. Still, it was a good view over the Channel where the odd fishing boat was making a living bringing in cod for the cognoscenti and cannabis for the masses.

The NERDS and Darksiders plodded on fraternising and sororising too.

Everybody reached the Meridian monument where East meets West ( but only in the UK shall the twain meet).

Here poor Sheila met a pampered Indian girl who demanded she take a photo of her in front of the monument. Sheila agreed (she's nice like that, is Sheila) but the girl took so long arranging her hair, adjusting her knicks and re-applying her eye liner that, after taking the photo Sheila nearly lost sight of the main bunch and had to hurry to catch up. Good job Ed was keeping an eye out for stragglers.

Lunch was at The Smugglers Rest at Peacehaven which is a big pub and suitable for marauding bands of ramblers. We had all been here before so knew what to expect. After an initial dance around to get twelve people seated within conversation distance of each other, the Irish waitress (sic) got us settled and the aperitifs began. Fortunately the NERDS and the Darkside share a common attitude  to drink (get as much down you as you can ) so things started off OK. The NERDS were treated to having their horoscopes read out in public (A bit embarrassing for Lafayette who was told he would fall in love with the Bish (!) but it all worked out in the end).

At table No 2 Matt was heard teaching the Darksiders how to complain about everything and get free puddings; Froggy was heard dining out on his adventures up at Hadrian's Wall and Marion was trying to inject a little culture into the proceedings by explaining the plot of Mozart's Cosi fan Tutte to those who'd heard of Glyndebourne. (Casting pearls before NERDS springs to mind here.) On table No1 the Bish had been served with a substandard beef burger, so moaned to the waitress. However before she could attend to his complaint Lafayette snatched it up, doused it in sauce and swallowed it (Well, he was hungry). The waitress, despite what looked like a conspiracy to get extra food, did believe him and got him a free pint. Lafayette admitted the burger had been a bit dry – but so what?

After lunch it was back over the hot, arid cliffs to Newhaven. One or two of the NERDS bailed out at various points and got the bus back (Notably the Bish and Paco) Lafayette and Sheila were both disgusted. They would never do such a cowardly thing however incapable they might have felt after one or two drinks. But it was a pleasant walk back amongst all the flowers and butterflies on the winding paths.

Back at Newhaven more drink was demanded so Lafayette led everyone to the Ark, and we settled in the back garden in the sun and Dave gave us a lecture on the absolute brilliance of old railway timetables as opposed to the inaccuracy of the modern Google system (Yeah, yeah, yeah).........then someone requested fish and chips. So once again Lafayette got them up and marched them to his favourite fish and chippery round the corner where he did a deal for cash with his namesake there ( a female also called Lafayette). And so everyone sat scoffing fishy stuff infront of the sea looking at the boats and things.

It seemed to have all gone off OK; the weather had been great, Curly Clarke had re-met a lot of people he once knew at Gatwick; nobody had fallen out ( Laf. and the Bish had actually got even closer over that beef burger) and the Darksiders had seen the sea again. It had been nice to get everyone together so maybe we'll do it again sometime.

Nierdos Para Siempre und Darksiders Uber Alles!

Love to all.

Lafayette.

P.S. This is not a work of art; just an account of what probably happened. Lafayette has asserted his right under the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the sole author of this work. So there.