June 2013 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No 283 – 5^th June 2013.

Those Present -  Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco, Matt, The Bish.

The Completely New Ramble.

Now that the NERDS had dried out after their hols in Spain (Muchos gracias, Paco y Wendy) and in France (Merci beaucoup B.T. et Hélène) Sandyballs had to think of some ramble in Sussex to keep us amused; and moreover something that wasn't samey, samey. The NERDS must have rambled over most parts of the county and drunk in most pubs therein (just think what we could have done with the money spent on booze if we'd saved it all up!) so what would Sandyballs come up with for today?

We met up with S.B. At Southease station and headed northwards towards the new bridge (which had been built at least two years previously – don't time fly?) Froggy took a lot of photos on the bridge in the nice sunny sun and we then proceeded further into the village itself for more photos of thatched cottages, the old church and more chocolate boxes. Southease would really be a delightful place to live except that Lafayette would miss the Co-op near his own house, not to mention the gentle traffic of the Newhaven ring-road and the quiet but beautiful early morning songs of the delightful seagulls which kept his rubbish down and spread a delightful patina on his car every morning.

Arriving at the main Lewes/ Newhaven road S.B. pondered a bit then set off through the Downs along the road in the direction of a farm and thence towards Telscombe. During this pleasant rambling interlude Froggy talked about his desire to join the c***s

and how he hoped to make some new friends there to guide him on through his retirement. Immediately the NERDS began discussing what sort of transfer fee they might get, and concluded gloomily that they might actually have to bribe the members of this other organisation to take the musical genius off their hands. Still, you never know, we might get some money for him if we make out he's actually as good as Eric Clapton, (even if he's not).

Eventually we arrived in Telscombe, another small Sussex village shimmering under the sun and where nothing much happens because a) there's no pub, b) there's just a youth hostel (who does this any more?) and c) everyone, judging from their houses, is incredibly rich and doesn't need to do anything apart from harrumph about the youth hostelers. As it happened that day there was a bit of excitement as the recyclers had come round and were taking away all the flint stones out of the garden walls to make into new Sussex villages elsewhere.

Walking up the steep hill out of Telscombe, S.B. Mused that Gat. South had got yet another new uniform and that they were currently led by a “No Knickers” girlie CIO. He refused to say who this was to Lafayette who was busy wondering if it was one of the former I.O.s he had spent night shifts grooming with endless bottles of wine. Lafayette had never got anywhere with this ploy since he had always been inconsiderately interrupted by a flight of Nigerians, and had to break off his lessons to keep emphasising to the rest of the staff that Nigerians were all knockoffs and needed to be cruelly persecuted. Don't just roll the buggers!

However, back to the ramble. The NERDS hacked their way over the unmetalled roads of Telscombe down through the back end of Peacehaven towards the A27 where Sandyballs had promised us a dead cheap pub where we were to have lunch. This was The Crown Carvery where the Harveys beer was £2.85p only (!) ---£3.40 in Lewes---- although we suspected it was not exactly sparkling fresh out of the brewery here. The Crown Carvery was one of those “Eat all you can for £4.60” jobs and the NERDS thought it was ideal for the likes of us. Unfortunately so did most of the population of Peacehaven who we noticed were all about eighty years old and dead fat. They looked as if The Crown Carvery had been their only source of sustenance for many years but they were obviously all thriving on the diet and resembled a  load of old turkeys being fattened up by someone for Christmas. (This is what happens if you feed up Old Trouts to excess - they turn into turkeys).

So great was our greed that even the Bish overstuffed himself and couldn't finish, and Paco resorted to giving away most of his giant Yorkshire pudding and wondering why his eyes were always bigger than his stomach. Matt and Lafayette, however, seemed to be vying to see who could eat the most main course and scoff a pudding as well. Result was a draw but Matt said he'd won because he was wearing his sexy Tilley hat festooned with a new Sarth Efrican badge from his latest cruise. Discussion ranged about how Dave Boy Jarman was the c***'s quasi because he did a lot of fetching and carrying (for whom, pray?); and how women with huge tits ought to be charged more for cabin baggage on Easy jet flights because they weighed more. You can see how the cheap Harvey's was now kicking in!

We decided The Peacehaven Carvery was a “NERDS Approved” place despite it being full of fat, old Trouts/Turkeys who at least had the consideration to disappear back home as soon as it was about two o'clock. Meanwhile Matt was wondering why when pubic hair was shaved it never grew back so lush and silky (Yeah, well......) and Sandyballs couldn't make his mind up whether he wanted a deathbed conversation, conversion, or repentance, although by this time he couldn't remember why he should need to do this anyway.

Paco was feeling a bit over-fed by this time so decided to get the bus back home. The rest of us, drunk on bottomless icecream and the sunny weather decided to ramble back over the cliffs to lovely Newhaven with its Co-op, seagulls and ring road – the epitome of South Coast civilisation. It was a very pleasant and breezy walk back enlivened by Lafayette taking everyone on a shortcut through Newhaven Heights immobile-home centre, and meeting some oldies all dressed in white bowling on a green. They invited the NERDS to join in with them but S.B. told them we only played for money and the Bish said we didn't play games with women because they were treacherous and cheated a lot.

So, a completely new ramble for which Sandyballs is to be congratulated. A new eating establishment which should definitely be patronised again, and a  pleasant sunny day for it all. Lafayette was so intrigued by The Old Trout Bowlers in White that he has since joined the Newhaven Indoor Bowls Rambling and Drinking Society because anything's better than going to the c***s and talking about pensions and having the wrong quasi serve you.

God rest Lafayette's old quasi; it's been five years since he left the NERDS and Laf. still hasn't got a suitable replacement.

Lafayette.