May's New Forest Ramble

NERDS’ Ramble No 270 8-11 May 2012. Those Present - Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Paco. The New Forest Rambles 2012. The NERDS may have had the “luck of the NERDS” for the last ramble when we went to Plumpton and had simply gorgeous weather most of the day. However the forecast for the annual shindig in the N.F. was fairly vile. We were promised rain, more rain, wetness, and lots of rain. So, confident that we were probably going to get a bit damp, we packed wet weather gear and set off. Froggy was driving since he had the nicest colour car and the biggest collection of crap music to entertain us - (Mongoloid, Petula Clarke, Z Z Top, Abba, etc). Actually at this stage the sun was out shining and we were all happy and gay - well happy, at least and looking forward to a couple of days relaxation in sylvan surroundings. The car in front could have been made for Froggy; it had a couple of girls in it and “mwah, mwah” written on the back - like kissy , kissy or “moi, moi” in Froggy’s case. Zooming into Hampshire we started to get dire motorway warnings about traffic accidents and hold-ups. Paco started to get worried (Paco worried?!!!) that he wouldn’t get his dinner on time. He’d only had a light, teeny, weeny breakfast and was frightened his blood sugar would take a nose dive and he’d become impotent or something, so Froggy diverted towards Brockenhurst where we knew we’d get a good pub lunch. Arriving at the Rose and Crown we were pleased to see that the car park was still being used as a short cut by all the girlies from the local finishing school. They obviously sensed that the NERDS were out for a good time and had money because there was a lot of girlish giggling and flashing of girly bits to get our attention. Sadly ( and probably fortunately) Paco was hungry and dragged us straight into the pub so nobody fell in love or got into trouble …yet. During a good lunch ( you know what I mean) we made the acquaintance of Fernando from Portugual who served port to Paco, and of Sofia also from Portugual who brought us pudding. The NERDS naturally chose the Pensioners’ option meal because it was served on a silver plate and you got more RESPECT from the staff. Both Sofia and Fernando said they had only recently arrived in this country and because the queues at Heathrow had been so long they’d swapped passports with a couple of Nigerians at the back and sailed through the control. We sat around a bit wallowing in the sun and the nostalgia of the garden of the Rose and Crown until someone said we needed to buy some booze for that evening. So off to the off licence where Lafayette was despatched with the whip to get some brandy for the hard types, and some whisky for those that had heart trouble - apparently whisky doesn’t make your heart race (!) ( Neither does marmite give you spots or crunchie bars give you gout - so what?) On, on to Burley, not far from Brockenhurst, where we were to stay. The guesthouse, the Forest Tea House, was run by a golden haired, skinny milf called Jane. She had startlingly blue eyes and squeaked a lot - especially when she talked - but was very pleasant. We were dead thankful we didn’t have Philby with us since he would have been sure to fall in love with her, and would have bored the rest of us by serenading her with crap poetry and going through numbers one to ten of the (unsuccessful) Philby seduction scheme. Then he would have got all mournful and lagged behind on rambles hoping that she would run after him and pay him some attention (lol). In his excitement at arriving well fed, Paco clumsily dumped Lafayette’s beeyootiful cashmere jumper into a muddy puddle and completely ruined it ! Lafayette went bananas. “ What on earth shall I do now?” he screamed, “I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to wear. How can I possibly go rambling now? I shall have to stay behind with the milf and supervise her washing my jumper. You lot clear off and leave me to my chagrin.” But the NERDS weren’t having any of that. They recognised lust when it reared its ugly head and didn’t want Lafayette to turn into another Philby (although the poetry might have been better written). So they implored Froggy who was routemaster to drag him away out into the countryside. Now Froggy was concealing secret designs himself on the milf - we hadn’t seen any girlies for at least 45 minutes, remember - and got extremely jealous at the thought of Lafayette writing poetry and having his jumper sympathetically hand washed by the milf so he got in a mega strop and stomped off into the Forest where he could brood on the injustices of the world. Eventually a cowed and disappointed Lafayette was drawn in his wake with the others wondering where the hell the route was supposed to be. The NERDS finally caught up with Froggy and convinced him that Lafayette didn’t really fancy the milf, that he couldn’t write poetry and all he was concerned about was his bloody sweater, so Froggy relented and began to act like a leader. That day’s walk was really rather pleasant ie. The sun was out, the scenery was spectacular - a blasted heath and lots of trees; you could see for miles although the going underfoot was slippery, slidery and generally a bit precarious. Froggy read the map correctly, consulted his extensive notes and took us in the right direction through the trees and back to Burley. In the village we came across our first bunch of ponies hanging around, waiting for their giros and generally living off the State. As with all ne’er do wells they begat children and there was a cutesy baby foal at the side of the road. Lafayette went over and patted one of the ponies and asked if he could write it a poem because he had to do something while his jumper was being fondled back at the ranch. The pony was not impressed and told Lafayette to sod off and to stop hanging around its child. More rejection for poor Lafayette. After the ramble the NERDS changed their muddy boots and ambled down the road to the centre of Burley. There wasn’t much in the village apart from a few New Age shops selling witchcraft stuff, but at least there were a couple of pubs. The Burley Inn was rather a posh pub but sadly failed to sell Old Thumper. This is the kamikaze, cure everything snake oil brewed in the N.F. and after a few pints of this you are guaranteed to write brilliant love poetry, be amazingly attractive to all women and win the lottery all in the same week (at least that’s how it feels after about three pints of the stuff). Unfortunately it tends to disconnect the tongue from the brain so occasionally produces some interesting side effects - especially with Sandyballs. So we sat on the balcony soaking up the late afternoon sun drinking something a bit less potent, and Paco regaled us with tales of what he had done in Brasil a few years back when women would flock to his table and beg to be entertained. (Didn’t know they sold Old Thumper in Brazil). Froggy said he was so happy he wanted to be buried in the New Forest and we told him we could all help him with that, but he said he meant when he was finally dead, not now, stupids. Eventually we went inside and had a very good, but expensive meal. Paco was so impressed with the quality of the bottle of Rioja that he knocked his glass all over himself, the table and Froggy. Ah, these passionate latin types, they do like waving their arms about! Back at the Milfery we watched telly chez Froggy while Paco crashed out unconscious clearly exhausted by his day of chucking things about. Day Two - Lotsa Rain. As predicted the next day began (and continued) wet and rainy. We got a very nice breakfast from You know Who who told us about her cat and how the village had been much better when there had been pigs running through it. We concluded that Jane was in fact a Milf Witch who turned people she didn’t like into pigs and condemned them to a life of squeaking round the New Forest. She obviously liked Lafayette because she’d done a brilliant hand job on his jumper and sprinkled it with fairy dust to try to lure him away from the rest of the NERDS. Actually all of us felt like shit that morning due to … er rambling too much the previous day so we took ourselves off to the Burley Inn for one pint, decided it was really a bit too posh for scruffy NERDS, then splashed round to The Queen’s Head on the other corner to see if it was any better. Wow! What a difference! Here the beer was a lot cheaper and the service a lot more friendly. We made friends with a barmaid called Stacy who didn’t seem to be a witch and wasn’t old enough to be a yummy mummy let alone a milf, so we decided not to inflict the Philby seduction technique on her just yet. The NERDS decided the weather was so awful that rambling was temporarily out of the question. So we settled in a nice corner where Froggy and Sandyballs read the papers and Lafayette taught Paco to play dice. Lafayette won all Paco’s money off him but Paco won the magic jumper off Lafayette so he had to buy it back in case he was turned into a pig. (Never cross a witchy milf!) Eventually the rain eased up from being totally drenching to become just vaguely annoying. Froggy who had spent ages honing and perfecting his routes decided we shouldn’t sit around the pub all day but should go out to test his navigational skills. We went along the road and looked at all the posh houses, read all the local notices saying “Don’t feed the Witches” and entered the Forest. It was very damp, drops fell on us from the tall trees, the going , especially uphill, was treacherous, we slipped and slid and jumped over crazy streams. Sticky Welsh who was leading us pored over the map. We went up Lucy hill (Who?) and got very, very lost. We were afraid of the Witches and Paco started to get hungry again. Sandyballs had a terrible craving for Old Thumper and Lafayette tried to cheer everyone up by saying he would soon be back in the arms of the milf (the enchanted jumper was beginning to weave its spell). Froggy went through another patch of jealousy at Lafayette’s passion for our landlady and refused to speak to him again until he promised to stop behaving like Philby. Lafayette refused so Froggy went into a profound depression and tried to lead Lafayette into a stream to drown him. However the magic jumper protected Lafayette from Froggy’s wrath and showed him and the rest of the NERDS the right way back to Burley. Back at The Queen’s Head Stacy was glad to see us and told us the other pub we had been heading for ( The White Buck Inn) was rubbish and expensive and we were better off in her pub because it contained the only ATM machine in the village. Fair dos; since she had volunteered this helpful information we decided to spend our money chez elle - especially as it was curry night. We all had a good meal and Lafayette ate a lot of cake and although Stacy had gone home by now we left her a big tip. Back to the Milfery where watched a telly programme about gay marriage and another about waterboarding. Sandyballs said he’d recently been given instruction in this advanced interrogation technique up at Gatwick where he’d been sent off for mentoring recently. Froggy said they’d given up this technique at Newhaven and now relied on the Shirley Wirley technique she had picked up from Lafayette at Gatwick ie. Get your detainees pissed on wine and go and have a friendly chat with them. Night fell. The witches came out, the NERDS went to bed. Day Three - Going Home. Sadly today was our last mega breakfast served by Jane. We had to share the breakfast room with some Cloggies who seemed to be going to The Ile of Wight so we warned them about all the local hazards - rain, witches, milfs, pigs, posh pubs, more rain etc and bade farewell to Jane and her cat. She asked us to give her a favourable write-up on that website-where-you-say-if-you-had-a-good-time-or-not and we said we would. Lafayette said he’d send her some of his (Philby’s )love poetry and had a scheme in mind to make her famous, but saw that Froggy was starting to get jealous again and shut up. She asked for a link to the NERDS’ blog but we told her she wasn’t really old enough which made her feel happy. She said she wouldn’t turn Lafayette into a pig because he’d been nice to her. Froggy scowled. So we drove back home via The Black Rabbit at Arundel where we always stop (and where it always seems cold and windy). It had been a very interesting few days and we had visited a few old haunts and had some new experiences. Thanks to Froggy for: driving, and doing the routes even if the Forest and the weather defeated us all at certain times. Perhaps we shall return to see this part of the Forest again. Lafayette already has a trip booked en famille to buy his daughter a baby pony, either that or to sell her to the witches - it depends on how well she behaves. Nierdos para siempre! Lafayette.