NERDS' Ramble No 308. Wed. 15. 7. 15.
Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Paco, Matt.
The Burger-van Woman Ramble.
Sandyballs had got a new route for us this month; not a recycled one; not an old boring one but a brand new one which promised to be full of adventure, incident and untapped horizons. The NERDS could hardly wait.
Sandyballs had asked us to meet him in Brighton (BRIGHTON!!!!! Wow! never been there before, Wow!, Kappow!) The fun started straightaway – at the bus stop(s). Froggy had given precise instructions as to which bus the Seaford/ Newhaven chapters should board so that we could all sit together, travel together, wank together and arrive together to make up a seamless meeting with S.B. Except unfortunately...............
Lafayette left his house in good time and moseyed the hundred yards or so up to the bus stop. He had been instructed to get the 09 52 which would carry, Froggy, Matt, and Paco. One bus came ( a bit early) but there was nobody special on it. The next bus came - “Ah, this must be the one,” thought Lafayette, but no grinning faces from the upstairs deck. Lafayette was in despair. “What if it's all an awful plot to sideline me,” he thought. “ What if they're having their ramble somewhere else and they haven't told me.” What if they've gone and found themselves a new Scribe who'll write only nice things about them and they're never going to talk to me again ???”
While Lafayette was indulging in these paranoid delusions he felt a tug at his sleeve. At his side stood Paco who had got off the recently arrived bus and was ever so grateful to see Lafayette.
“They weren't there,” he sobbed. “I thought they'd forgotten me or gone off on a ramble of their own or were fed up with me forgetting the date or thought I looked too scruffy or, or, or......” “Nonsense,” said Lafayette, masterfully yet at the same time with compassion. “I expect it's all our fault really because Froggy is so good at arrangements that it must be we who have cocked up. Let's just get on the next bus.” And so they did.
Arriving in Brighton (My God, the crowds! the milling throngs of young people! The colourful shops! The beggars playing Summertime on pianos in the street! the BUZZ!) Paco and Lafayette knew they had to meet S.B. near Marks at Costa Coffee. And there he was, looking out of the window, biting his finger nails, whispering to himself, “ What if nobody comes? Are they still speaking to me? Maybe the joining instructions were too curt, perhaps they don't like the idea of a new ramble after all, maybe they think my teeth are too crooked, did I look at Froggy too funnily last ramble, maybe he still hasn't forgiven me, Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!”
Masterfully, yet with compassion (again) Lafayette calmed S.B. down and, saying nothing of his own paranoia, went to get Paco a coffee. No sign yet of the others who had been causing us all this Angst, “maybe they've gone off by themselves” a little voice started up again in Lafayette's head. “ Maybe they joined another rambling club.” “ Stop it.. stop it.. stop it!” However, shortly afterwards up rolled Froggy and Matt who had been waiting for twenty minutes in Starbucks round the corner. “Where've you lot been?” shouted Froggy. “ Are you still talking to us, or what? We thought you'd got a better offer; we said to each other I bet those bastards have left us in the lurch and have gone off drinking without us somewhere; we were really, really worried and HURT!”
“Tut, Tut, such childish worrying, “ said Lafayette in a masterful yet compassionate way ( for the third time) “ Do you think we'd leave you two by yourselves? I mean, Matt can't even put his own knickers on by himself, let alone find his way to China, and we all love you anyway cos you're a NERD.” Froggy was eventually mollified and so we got on to discussing the details of the new exciting ramble.
Sandyballs said he was first of all taking us on an exciting bus ride around the exciting parts of Brighton and he hoped we would all be excited at this and not forget to talk to him (occasionally).
We got on the number wotsername bus, and of course, a lively discussion about bus passes took place. I will leave you all to imagine who the initiator was, but I won't go into the details since you've heard all the shit he usually says about this and it's boring anyway.
The bus ride took us round all the posh parts of the Brighton suburbs. We could look into people's windows from the upper deck. These were the parts where the roads were wide and tree-lined; where the houses had big gardens full of flowers and nicely mown lawns and where the au pairs walked the dinky little dogs and where the drug dealers did their business from plush offices – not on street corners, like in Neushaven. Yes, but none of them had a Co-op just down the road like Lafayette did. He wasn't jealous, oh no, no, no. ( Yes he was really).
We got off somewhere at the top of some hill near Falmer by the Asda store. Then promptly got lost. “Which way is the country?” We all thought, “ this is a trading estate.” Froggy began to cry and said he was hungry. Matt said he'd wet his knickers and could somebody change them for him. Just then we spotted a burger van not far down the road. Froggy's blood sugar was playing up so we hurried over to see what sort of scoff they sold.
The van was run by a really nice friendly lady called Kim of Kim@Honeys (or was it Honey@Kims?) anyway she persuaded Matt to change his knickers and told Froggy to stop crying; she would feed us all.
Not only that, she would sing to us too. Now there's a treat. Kim told us all to forget about the wicked lies the government and the medical profession had put out about nasty cholesterol – it simply didn't exist. Her sizzling burgers were something to really get your lips round, she said; and as for her heavenly mushrooms, well, they would send you to the gates of paradise and back. Matt decided he wanted her for his next wife (after Kylie, of course) and so climbed into the van
and insisted on a selfie with her. Then she decided to sing him a lullaby. Kim had a little pot infront of the fryer into which you could put contibutions to encourage her singing. It was er.... tuneful and very beautiful. So much so that her pot was soon filled up with loose change and she was eventually persuaded to stop.
Sometimes out of a situation which is fraught with uncertainty comes direction; sometimes when all seems lost a light is seen in the distance. That burger-van turned out to be the saving of us all. It united us, stopped the paranoia and the petty jealousies, bonded us together and made us feel like proper, strong NERDS again.....even if we did have to put up with some ghastly singing.
On, on. Sandyballs led us out of the concrete jungle of the trading estate up the side of some hill.
Then we crossed over a couple of dodgy roads and lo and behold found ourselves in the countryside.
This was nice, except we had to climb up a long, long hill. Still, fired up with all that cholesterol that Kim had shovelled into us,
and with her pop songs still ringing in our ears, we finally made it to the top.
We passed a Freemasons Lodge house and narrowly stopped Froggy from baring his breast and flaunting his nipples at them.
(Be aware that NERDS have slightly different initiation ceremonies involving chips, clothes pegs, girlies (No!, no girlies) and calvados, but no nipples). Then we plodded off through lots of woody paths over the Downs and down towards Falmer. The weather was grey and stinking humid; fortunately the overhanging trees in the woods afforded some relief from the oppressive heat.
We walked what seemed like miles and miles. The paths, however, were broad and shaded and we talked and bonded and finally got rid of our paranoia towards each other. ( I lie of course, but it was a sort of feelgood afternoon). Finally we descended into Stanmer Park and bought an icecream in Stanmer village before heading towards Stanmer Hall.
This place just oozed CLASS. We'd been here a few times before but that didn't matter, - the walk was different, the final setting classy. Suits of armour, posh paintings, books even, and a nice bar with a jovial Geordie in charge. We sat outside and drank cider.
Lafayette wasn't allowed any – look what happened last time. He had to drink beer.
The waitress girlies were all dressed in black and spoke nicely. The place reeked of Good Taste. Even Sandyballs could smell the money. People were celebrating their offspring's graduation nearby. “ Oh, Jemimah deah, I hear you got a lovely third ; we'll have to renew your string of ponies when we get back to Surrey.” and “Fwedewick, I gather you're captain of Wugger now. Good Show, next stop the City, eh?”
The NERDS basked in their own appalling ordinariness and were glad their parents had not been like that. They had a nice meal
at a nice table with a nice waitress called Maria. At least that's what Matt called her since he knows how to coax the names out of unwary females (look at how he charmed Kim, the opera singer).
(Actually, Maria was really called Hannah although Sandyballs fell for this trick and called her by her NERD – name by mistake. Oh, didn't Matt laugh, cruel boy!
We lounged on couches
for ages and ages in the annex next to the suit of armour with the Darth Vader mask, and drank more stuff, but no calva because they'd run out so it had to be Hennessy - quel dommage! Then reluctantly we had to leave this Joanna Lumley sort of place
and go back to where we had come from that morning; back into the real world.
It had been an interesting new ramble, and thanks to S.B.
for finding an old “Walks of Sussex” down the back of his sofa.
Fry-up Lady Kim
with her melodic voice had been the high point of the day, although the way we all finally managed to get together that morning had taken some damn good organising, so well done to Froggy
as well.
Next ramble in August some time. Perhaps it'll be another new one too!
Love to all.
Lafayette.
