Saint Patrick's Day Ramble

NERDS' Ramble 292 Mon 17^th March 2014.

Those Present – Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, El Paco, Matrix Man Dio, Curly Clarke.

St. Patrick's Day Ramble 2014.

Well, I won't go too much into who was Irish and who wasn't this day. Lafayette certainly wasn't; Froggy wasn't; Dio was more sort of red indian/ Italian; Sandy balls thought he was, but only by descent; so was Curly Clarke; Paco – weeell, not quite; so that left the two who were absent as the only proper Irish – BT because he was born in Dublin, and Matt who looked and acted Irish ( and was actually Irish.) But when did all these minor details get in the way of an excuse for a NERDS piss-up?

So, first of all the excitement of everybody attempting to get on the same bus near Lafayette's house from about three different starting points. Potential for cock-ups enormous but thanks to the technology of mobile phones we managed it and rode to Rodean to see the little girlies in their short......no, no, no, not that; to walk back along the cliff top path towards Rottingdean and bask in the nice sunny weather of that day.

Luck of the NERDS again. (Still, pity about the nymphets in their little short.......).

First stop was The Plough in Rottingdean which predictably was not yet open.

( It was 11 50hrs) so getting a promise from the barmaid in the garden that all our wants would be catered for in due course we cleared off over the road to The Black Horse which was so discreet that Lafayette almost walked past it.

However, alerted by the Irish flags slung round the door, Sandyballs led us into the front bar where we met Celeste. Now Celeste was certainly not Irish, but, shit, who cared with a figure and face like she had. She obviously came from some dusky part of he Commonwealth (like Brighton) and was extremely easy on the eye. We were beginning to be tempted by the lunch menu in this place and had actually called for the wine list when we were informed that it was Monday and the chef was off elsewhere - probably celebrating St Patrick's Day (Huh!). So we sat around and admired Curly Clarke's nice green Irish Jumper

and Paco had a little rant about the folly of Sandyball's youngest in turning down a well paid (very well paid) job in Brighton just for the privilege of having her father bring her tea and toast in bed every morning and then drive her to the station for some menial job in London. ( Bloody kids, eh.)

Back to The Plough then for lunch where Froggy told us of his penchant for watching The Musketeers on Sundays ie. How he like watching four pretty boys run around and get friendly with each other while wearing leather......er...yes. Dio liked the idea of the leather gear but he's a butch, matrix type who can see the irony of the inversion of Dumas' post revolutionary, neo buddy movie type literary aspect; not to mention Lafayette who's read all the Musketeer oeuvre (some in French ) and who knows the telly version is bollocks.

Whatever, Froggy once again failed to take a selfie (technical problems) so we got down to lunch, which was excellent, and discussed whether Paco should invest in some designer underwear to counteract his builder's bum. Lafayette had two lots of icecream (as usual) and the barmaid was called Liz – not bad, but not as exotic as Celeste, but she gave us all silly Irish hats which was nice of her, and which helped to protect us against the wind when we ventured outside again.

As we were going up the hill towards the Rottingdean windmill we came across a scarecrow standing captured in someone's garden.

Seems like a common theme in Sussex; remember the poor scarecrow tied to a tree in last month's ramble? And so up, up we continued, past the windmill and down by St Dunstan's, then under the main road to the concrete walkway next to the sea towards Brighton Marina. It was a long walk but breezy and sunny and we had our hats down over our ears to protect us.

Gosh, there's a Wetherspoons in the Marina, better try that, should be able to get some Irish rum and coke there. And so we did. Froggy went to the bog and came back after rather a long time and said he'd been receiving italian lessons therein (??). Probably just trying to read the grafitti written by students, but , hmm, you never know. Paco told us how during his misspent youth many years ago in London he had nearly bought a wolf skin coat. (Didn't know there were any wolves still roaming round London even that long ago ). Maybe he was trying even then to keep his builder's bum out of the cold.

After Wetherspoons we got on a number 7 bus and rode into Brighton to go to The Fiddlers Elbow. This was Sandyballs' Mecca on St Paddy's Day and never fails to disappoint. As usual the crowd had overflowed on to the pavement outside and were all drinking hard and having a good time. Lafayette nearly got RLE since the bouncer told him no stupid hats were allowed inside, but this turned out to be just a bit of Irish humour since virtually everyone in the pub was drinking Guinness and wearing a stupid hat. We hung around in here for a bit, bejeezus, it was crowded and our hands were freezing holding glasses of cold Guinness. Then we went outside and some bird called Ellie took our photo (Irish girls are always dead friendly) and then we went to the other Wetherspoons round the corner and got even more plastered on double Krakens and coke.

So that's it all really. We had done a bit of walking and been to a few pubs that were celebrating St Patrick's. We had seen a few pretty barmaids ( and some pretty ugly ones in The Fiddlers) and the weather had been pretty good. Shame you two proper

Irish NERDS couldn't be with us but I expect you were both having a good time somewhere in your own personal ways. Next month we're meeting up with Bronco-NERD because he's finally retiring and going to spend all his vast wealth on watches and retirement dos. So looking forward to that.

Bye bye for now.

Lafayette.

St Patrick's Day Ramble Joining Instructions

Dear Nerds,

To celebrate the Great Day we will walk on Monday 17th. Pity that the only true, 100% Irishman in tthe Nerds cannot be with us but he is in The Old Country on the day. Yes, I know that BT was born in Dublin - but that was an accident of birth , wasn't it?[NOT AT ALL].

Our ultimate destination is to have a couple of pints of Liffey water at The Fiddlers Elbow in Brighton.

 However our walk and the pub lunch will take place outside Brighton. A little complicated this, so pay attention! The walk ( which we have done before) starts on the Coast Road opposite Roedean School ( keep your lascivious thoughts to yourself). We then walk back along the Undercliff to Rottingdean and lunch at The Plough. Then inland a bit, along The Downs and back to our starting point. From there it is a bracing walk along the front into Brighton.

Now, it makes sense to do this by bus. ( Are there any NERDS sans 'Bus passes'?). My perusal of the bus timetable suggests that there is no.12 bus from Seaford Library at 10.24 arriving at Newhaven at about 10.35. I will take the train to Newhaven and go Lafayette's place and we will join the rest of you on the bus - hopefully. What can possibly go wrong?

I hope we have no 'soft weather' on the day. The luck of the Irish and the luck of The Nerds should see us through.

Lafayette - will you forward this to Dio?



SB

February 2014 Ramble

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February Ramble Joining Instructions

Hi Fellow - Nerds,

This month we ramble on Wednesday 26th.  In view of us having suffered the wettest winter since records began, I thought we would try to avoid the inevitable mud and keep our boots dry until next time. I am thinking mostly of Paco here! Consequently I thought we could revisit an old favourite and take a train to Berwick, walk along the cycle-track and lunch at The Cricketers. A tried and tested formula. There is also the chance to vistr Milf Central ( sans Milfs) on the return leg.

Therefore, Seaford/ Newhaven types take the 10.25/ 10.32 to Lewes. I will meet you at Vics (sans Vic) for a coffee and whatever and we take the 11.09 train to Berwick.

Simples?

SB

Dear NERDS,
Here is a date for your diaries: March 17th will be a St Patrick Day's Ramble. We shall be joined by a gothic American who is closely related to my daughter.
Make sure you're all there.

Lafayette.

Spain Arrangements

Gentlemen,

Paco and I have booked our flights to and from Valencia. We are booked out from Gatters at 09.05 on Tuesday 6th May and return on Saturday 10th. Paco has also booked a car - this time to be picked up at the airport. He has requested a more modest 5-seater estate but we will probably end up with a 48-seat coach!

Happy online booking.

Harry

Spanish Preparation

It occurs to me that members of the NERDS going to Spain should perhaps be classed as yet another sub-group and be given a name. It would make it easier to have another collective email address!

However that is not the point of this message. I would just like to agree the dates so that we can make a flight booking. I think we said we should go on Tuesday 6th May - Monday not a good idea as it is a Bank Holiday. Personally I am OK with staying 4 nights, coming back on Friday 9th (Europe Day - whatever that is!)

Any dissenting voices?

Harry (aka Sandyballs)

February Ramble arrangements

Dear All,

We failed to set a date for the February ramble during our last expedition - must have been the distraction of all those girlies.......Anyway I am suggesting that we next walk on Wednesday 26th. Hopefully the later the date, the nearer we might be to some of that early Spring weather. Any problems with that for anyone we can, as usual, be flexible.

Sandyballs

January 2014 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 290 - 8th January 2014.

Joint NERDS/Darkside Ramble.


Those Present:


NERDS – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Paco.


Darksiders – Sheila, Jane, Marion, Ed, Dave,


Mystery Guest - ?????


Well, what a special day for the NERDS! A chance to mingle at last with some girlies and find out a) what they look like, b) what they actually do and c) whether they drink or not.


This was an experiment put forward by Lafayette to amalgamate his favourite rambling group (The NERDS) with his second favourite group (The Darkside) and see whether they got on OK and didn't just go on about how many Nigerians they'd knocked off in their respective spectacular careers etc.


The grand meeting took place at Lewes station where the NERDS looked distrustfully at the Gatwick lot. What were they doing down here on our territory? Didn't they usually stick to the posh parts of Surrey with its expensive pubs and lah di dah wine bars?Maybe they would look down on us as they were all Inspectors or CIOs and most NERDS were (or had been ) just humble IOs. But eventually tensions eased, kisses where exchanged and Lafayette even got a birthday card and some nice chocolate from Sheila that he thought he might keep all to himself (ha, ha, fat chance).


So, rules of engagement having been established, the NERDS welcomed their Mystery Guest who turned out to be Shaz, ex Newhaven, but who had not been allowed to join the NERDS in her time there cos she was a girlie and Rule No.2 expressly forbade that. Shaz had managed to show some sense and had quitted Newhaven long ago to take up more rewarding employment like arranging marriages or depriving various maniacs of their firearms before they could do any real damage (viz Hungerford Flynn).


So the group now being complete Lafayette led them all off to Berwick where the plan was to do a short walk (not a long one like the Gatwick maniacs usually indulged in) and to go round the Arlington reservoir to er.. Arlington. Sandyballs had come properly equipped for the mud with a pair of wellingtons which his mom had sent him out in, while Paco had decided on his best pair of Gucci loafers which he thought were more appropriate for the hazards ahead.


First casualty was Shaz going through a muddy gateway and falling to her knees.( Good job she'd brought a dress and a spare pair of suspenders to change into later). The ground underfoot was pretty treacherous but this was to be part of the major entertainment that day. Lafayette decided to play safe and skirt the reservoir on its south side where there was lots of concrete so as to minimise puddles and shit and stuff. This worked quite well until we got to the final stile and where everyone had to execute spectacular dives one way or another to avoid getting sucked down and disappearing into the vile quagmire.


Across some fields we went until we got to the famous B.T. Balancing Bridge where the present holder of the title (now comfortably retired on his reputation in France) had on two occasions jaywalked on the parapet of the bridge at great risk to life and limb simply to show that drunkeness is no bar to being a complete dick-head. However the girlies present were all quite impressed with Lafayette's account of this great feat and he promised to write to B.T in France to ask him to return to give a repeat performance next Christmas – but this time naked on rollerskates.


And so to The Yew Tree at Arlington where the usual warming atmosphere prevailed and where much to Froggy's delight the long table had been put at our disposal for lunch. The menu was vast and it was a pleasure to simply contemplate it and work out how much cheaper meals were here than in Surrey. Lafayette made friends with the non-pub nymphomaniac cat, a creature of a lovely fawn colour, that sought to avail itself of the comforts of the Yew Tree when it got bored rolling around on the road outside.


Soon we got stuck into the excellent meal- that is when we could persuade Paco to stop reading the football reports in Ed's Sun and make polite conversation. Lafayette was torn between which organisation to favour from a pecuniary point of view. You see, the NERDS have a whip round and the Darkside collect a kitty (not a nymphomaniac one). Ah, but the kitty comes with someone who fetches and carries, the Ever Treasured Ed, whereas the NERDS just quarrel about who has the biggest baron in their family and usually the service is a bit patchy. Guess which one Lafayette went for.


Lunch was excellent and we were joined by The Landlord, Peter, who placed a free bottle of Shiraz on the table, recommended it, and invited our opinions. The bottle of Shiraz disappeared like a lump of bloody meat tossed into a pool of pirahnas. Yes, we did approve it and to show our appreciation ordered a few more bottles - just until we'd got used to the taste.


Next was the dessert. Now Lafayette knows all about desserts and especially those from this particular pub. The flavour of the month for him was a large portion of belgian icecream with a minature of Baileys chucked over the top. In fact this was so nice that Lafayette went back for another one, and was nearly challenged by Sandyballs to take a third , but even Sandyballs didn't want Lafayette being sick all over the table.


Sheila read all our horoscopes and we revelled in all the promises of illicit love, riches and Mercury intertwining with Venus's conjunctions – and then promptly forgot the lot. Matt proposed a meeting of his Club Corona the following week, and we had to explain the meaning of all that (how embarrassing!). Enthusiasm for everything became so great that Froggy had declared his intention to resume work at Newhaven, and Matt was going to take the plunge and go to Gatwick to supplement his meagre pension by going back on the desk. Such are the alcohol fuelled ambitions of daft NERDS. Foodwise it was obviously a success since Marion seemed to leave everything (5: 2 diet), and Jane ate everything including the Snickers pudding which Lafayette had managed to overlook.


We staggered out of the pub, rediscovered the nympho cat, said goodbye and thanks to Peter for his hospitality and set off up the road back to Berwick hoping to encounter less mud and stuff than going back over the fields. Somehow or other we ended up in a pub near Berwick station known by the NERDS as Milf Central – because every time we go there it's being run by a different Milf. Some of them are sexy and some are bleeding ugly; but this month's Milf was called Ashley and she was OK. We sat around, had a little drink or two and scoffed most of Lafayette's Toblerone. Then we managed to get the right train in the right direction and ended up in The Lansdowne Arms in Lewes.


Those who were feeling a bit sleepy pushed off home during this interlude leaving the hardcore (Mostly NERDS, it must be said) to empty both the whip and the kitty, and to reminisce about what a fabulous job we had all been in and how much we missed it, and how today's IOs couldn't string two words together and had no idea what they were doing etc. etc.........


So, it seemed to have been reasonably successful, this meeting of great minds, this cultural exchange, this inter-denominational piss-up, and we resolved to do it all over again some time in the summer when it wasn't quite so muddy. Special thanks must go to both Shaz and Dave (sounds like a band) for travelling from afar to see us; to Ed the Treasure for his sevice and financial management; to Sheila for Lafayette's birthday present, and to all the good looking NERDS who attended and all the ugly ones who didn't. And to all the Darksiders who are all good looking all the time.


Bye for now.


Lafayette.

January 2014 Joining Instructions

Dear NERDS,
The next ramble will be a joint excursion with the Gatwick Darkside (Yes, there will be real girlies amongst us for a change) and will be on Wednesday January 8th.
We shall meet at Lewes at 10 30hrs, but buy a return ticket to Berwick because we shall proceed there on the 11 09 train from Lewes.

Happy New Year to all and see you on the 8th.
Lafayette.

Christmas 2013 Ramble

NERDS' Christmas Ramble 12th Dec. 2013.

Those Present – Matt, Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Paco, The Captain.

What Happened On The Ramble.

Sandyballs had decided to bring a little glamour and culture into the poor, deprived lives of the NERDS and had booked Christmas Lunch at Stanmer House at Falmer. This was a posh stately home whose history was a bit obscure [actually constructed by French architect Nicolas Dubois in 1722] but which had developed into an A1 eating and drinking place not far from the university of Sussex.

Lafayette set off from his hovel in Newhaven looking forward to seeing a place where classy people formerly lived and hoping to mix with classy NERDS such as the Captain (who throughout the day kept referring to himself as “working class”(!)). However from the start Lafayette was not having much luck at the station. First off he couldn't get a ticket – Newhaven railway staff being too idle to open their office, and secondly when the train arrived some of the doors failed to open so poor Lafayette had to squeeze on with all the horrible smelly students.

Joining the carriage full of horrible smelly NERDS, Lafayette found himself surrounded by people pining to go back to Gatwick where they could pretend to be I.O.s once more (at a major airport, not just some bad excuse for a port such as Newhaven) He got on just as Captain was spinning some yarn to a fascinated SB. and El Paco about how he had cleverly got the American CEO of a large multi-national company to admit he was really a working holiday maker, and had thus been RLE for being non conducive to badgers' welfare (or something). Lafayette sought to break up this interesting tale by suggesting theNERDS held a raffle to supply one of their kidneys to Bronco so that he could come on the next Christmas bash rather than having to be dyalisised all the time. Surprisingly, there did not seem to be a lot of support for this altruistic action. Dog eat dog in the NERDS!

At Lewes, after Lafayette had stood in a queue for twenty minutes to honestly buy his ticket, Sandyballs popped up and dragged us up to The Brewers Arms for a committee meeting and for meticulous (mean with postage) people to dish out Christmas cards.

Here over a few pints of dark stuff the Captain was voted Cord of The Year (by Matt), for inspiring all the rave parties they held among the Seaford Glitterati. (wife/partner swapping, cocaine snorting, lavish spending of money etc.). Lafayette wished he could join in the fun but there wasn't a Newhaven branch and he was income barred from applying to join the smart Seaford set, (oh, dear).

Froggy was wearing his super red jumper with the Father Christmas nipple pull – ring this when you want another drink,so we kept ringing it..... and he told us that he had naked pictures of a friend's daughter on his Facebook account to while away the long boring evenings when there were no Cords parties taking place in Seaford (Lafayette was madly jealous that Froggy had been invited to these bunga-bunga sessions and not himself).

And so it was soon time to wend our way to Falmer for lunch – except that Matt and Lafayette got distracted looking in some sex shop in Lewes and nearly missed the train. Lafayette had wanted a nipple pull ring like Froggy's and thought that Matt was the ideal expert to advise and help him choose.

Stanmer House ...ah, Stanmer House,

 once home to the aristocracy of Sussex where the rich gambled away their family fortunes and indulged in unimaginable depravities (a bit like the Cords). The walls of the house were hung with imposing portraits of lordly ancestors, there were beautifully bound books on every shelf, there were languid women bedecked with silk pashmenas draped over every couch and the beer was over £4 a pint! We knew we had finally arrived at the pinacle of society. No dirty scrabblings in the rear bar of the Seven Sisters, or sordid discussions about insurance payouts, this was real class.

The place was packed. It hadn't been like this a couple of years previously when we had come. There were five rooms of posh people sitting around reading The Tatler and discussing what colour Barbour young Peregrine would be wearing at Annabell's coming out party. We were eventually located at our table in room 5, the one furthest away from the loo, on a table that had definitely seen better days but the atmosphere was jolly and convivial. The waitresses were young, sexy and wore short black skirts. The table opposite was composed of unhinged academics including a lady with a lush moustache (I kid you not) and so Christmas lunch began.

It had been an inspired choice of venue and menu by Sandyballs and we were treated to a glass of prosecco and various amuse-gueules to titillate our taste buds before the main courses. Most of us had turkey except S.B. who had steak with a supplement and the captain who had pork. The standard was excellent. Paco managed to avoid waving his arms about and upsetting everyone's drinks and it was left to Froggy to spread Paco's beer all over the table and disgrace himself. Captain amused us with tales of Old Newhaven Port including the eccentricities of Bob Jeffery and his son, The Dauphin. This was all before Lafayette's time and he got the impression it had all been a port where lunatics reigned and IOs would dye their hair before getting shafted by The Shining Light. (what a place!).

Matt fell into a fit of despair after having measured his todger with the tape measure he had got out of his cracker and retired early. The rest us got stuck into Christmas pudding and the like, and glasses were raised to Bronco who couldn't be with us, and the Bish who was helping to subsidise everyone's meal (God bless them every one).We all ordered coffees and brandies and ended up being served vast Irish type coffees which is not quite what we had wanted but which were so good we each had another! Food and drink excellent here, service good too and the place was so classy you could literally smell the money wafting about.

Next, Lafayette's notes record him sitting in The Lansdowne Arms drinking mulled wine - the bit before this was a tad vague. Paco took a liking to someone's small dog and was crawling round the floor patting it, Sandyballs was swaying somnolently and Froggy was telling everybody the story of his life. So it looked like it had been a good day. Congrats to Sandyballs for the organisation and to all those who came (or who paid and didn't - hee, hee).

Froggy is hoping to organise a pub crawl in Eastbourne again next week – so watch this space and Happy Christmas all you NERDS!

Lafayette.

January 2014 Ramble

Dear NERDS,
Jan ramble will be with Gatwick Darksiders on Wednesday 8th Jan.
Lunch will be at Pete's Place ie. the Yew Tree at Arlington.
Can you let me know if you will be there or not, as soon as possible as I want to make a realistic booking. (You can tell me tomorrow if you like).
Lafayette.

Last minute instructions

Hope we all going to enjoy tomorrow's "ramble". We will be 6 at table as the Bish is not well and cannot join us. I have advised Stanmer House and hopefully we can get Tony's deposit back.

Weather looks fair - should be a great day!

See y'all at Lewes station.

Sandyballs

Dear Fellow NERDS,

This month's 'Ramble' is, as you know, on Thursday 12th at the NERDS -approved Stanmer House. We will be 7 at table. Should have been 8 to include Bronco. I was in contact with him and he was very keen to join us and went so far as to give me his menu choices.  He then realised that Thursdays he has to go to hospital for dialysis. Pity.

Anyway, if Seaford and Newhaven types take the 09.55 from Seaford, I will meet you (suitably festively coutured one hopes) at Lewes station. It was my original intention to go straight to The Swan at Falmer for a couple of lemonade shandies prior to the short stroll across the park. However The Swan does not open until 12 noon - yes, Froggy I do check sometimes! - so Plan B. We will walk from Lewes station to The Brewers ( opens at a sensible 10 AM)  for the aforementioned shandies.

Then some choices. We can either take a bus to Falmer (the 28 or 29) or walk back to the station to take the train. We can then perhaps visit The Swan for another mildly alcoholic drink containing lemonade prior to the stroll to our lunchtime destination.

So, a day return ticket to Falmer, festive clothing and lots of money!

Sandyballs

November 2013 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 288 - 13^th Nov. 2013.

Those Present – Lafayette, Sandyballs, Froggy, Paco, The Bish.

The Wild Boar Ramble.

Today was going to be a mystery ramble so that a) no-one would know where we were going; b) nobody could check up whether the lunch time pub would be open or selling beer or had not been burnt down for insurance purposes etc. etc. and c) because Sandyballs just liked being awkward.

We had the two Gatwick mercenaries with us this time so together with the Bish we managed to make up a quorum, and the journey to Lewes from Seaford managed to pass without incident – even Paco managed to get the right day [let alone the right train] (!!!). At Lewes everyone found they were short of money so had to cluster round the hole in the wall to stop the others reading their pin number and emptying their account (fat chance).

So, topped up with new funds the NERDS hung around the bus stop outside Waitrose for a 29 bus.

During this brief sojourn a little old lady slid up to Paco and tried to engage him in conversation. She had obviously just seen him go to the cash point and knew he was loaded. While she was chatting merrily to him she brushed a hair from his collar and neatly removed his wallet from his person. Luckily Lafayette saw this and shouted a warning, whereupon the little old lady did a rapid bunk and fled back to her Armenian protector. Paco had thought she was a working girl for those of mature tastes which was why he was busy negotiating a good rate with her. Good job Lafayette can spot reprobates at a fair distance – that's why he got promoted!

And so on to the 29 bus, but where next? Lafayette had the temerity to ask where we were bound and Sandyballs revealed the NERDS were bound for the famous village of Boars Head. “What nonsense,” quoth Sandyballs “There's no such place called Boars Head, do you think we're all mad?” “Oh yes there is.” replied S.B.

“From where do you think they get all the wild boar sausages in Sussex?

Lafayette had this mental image of a small village where people rode around on horses all the time playing at sticking pigs on the end of lances like he used to do in Pakistan. He wondered if he could get a part time job there – sounded exciting.

Anyway, through the lovely Sussex countryside we travelled. The weather was bright and sunny and the NERDS were on the top deck of the bus looking down into all the posh people's gardens.

Froggy was being oblivious to all this beauty, however, since he was busy being bus sick and spewing all over the rest of the passengers. You just can't take him anywhere! “ We could have gone to Arundel for the money I spent on this bus ticket”, he wailed. The rest of the NERDS all smirked inside – they all had bus passes and didn't have to pay, ho, ho.

After a bit of route titting about along Wild Boar Road ( no sign of any pig sticking yet) Sandyballs led us off into an extensive apple orchard where there were loads of apples growing (how strange!).

Lafayette was a bit concerned as he knew that wild boars liked eating apples and he didn't want to meet any unless he was armed with a lance or else a very large rifle. Luckily the wild life around seemed to consist only of a bunch of pissed wasps. There was a small pit stop where The Bish tried out some of his Chinese sherry on us (not too bad at all) and then we threaded our way through the orchard into the open country side.

Here the views were magnificent. Sweeping green fields and lush hills greeted us. Down, down we went.

Paco hadn't got any boots because he had poorly feet so was slithering round in Gucci loafers that he had borrowed from Froggy.  In years past this is the point that Philby would have covered his feet in freeTesco plastic bags.  We went into a wood and got muddy, then went up a track and got even muddier. Turning right we espied a farmer who kindly told us the correct route to take. Lafayette asked him when the pigging season started but he said they had all already been shot and turned into sausages but if he came next year they might give him a job.

On, on we went; along a valley following a stream then back up a muddy hill to test those with slippery, fancy shoes. The sun beat down, everything was green and lovely and we were looking forward to lunch.

 We picked our way through the orchard keeping out a wary eye for rogue boars which might have escaped that season's cull and were seeking revenge. Finally we got to the local pub (guess what? – The Boars Head) and settled down in front of the smoking wood fire.

What a pleasant place! The landlord was friendly and so was his wife. The food was excellent and the Harveys was very well kept. It was definitely a NERDS approved pub in every respect. It's amazing that you can buy a really nice pub after spending your career chasing a few pigs around. Although the landlord did say he had had a hand in founding Virgin with Richard Branson so maybe  he already had a bob or two.

After lunch The NERDs got back on the bus to go back to Lewes and Froggy was nauseous again (too much pig stew) or maybe it was just the smell of Paco's cigars wafting everywhere. (Now Paco's earning money again he's indulging his favourite hobby).

Into The Volunteer pub at Lewes where Sandyballs suddenly started moaning what a crap place it was. Well, I suppose it didn't have the class of The Boars Head and it was a bit rough, but c'mon, it serves NERDS and it's not too far from the station.

However Sandyballs could not be placated so we decamped to The John Harvey and got all warm and cosy and didn't really want to go home but I suppose we did eventually.

It had been a good ramble on a really nice day to a really nice pub and we had all had a good time (Apart from Sandyballs in The Volunteer) so good Routemastering. Next Ramble is the Christmas one and local intelligence suggests we will be joined by Bronco (minus horse). Then the January one will take place on January 8^th and will be a joint venture with the Darkside from Gatwick again.

Should be fun if all the Gatwick girlies get pissed again!

See you soon,

Lafayette.

Joining Instructions for November 2013

This month we walk on Wednesday 13th. We discussed before that as we have almost exhausted the local permutations of local walks we will have to go further afield. Bit like the Gatwick Dark Side - but without the women!

Anyway, this is a NEW ramble and will be a MYSTERY DESTINATION. It will also involve a day return train ticket to Lewes and the use of your BUS PASS.  Enough capital letters already.

If NERDs (sorry) can get the 09.25 (Paco that is the early one!) from Seaford central and I will meet you outside Lewes station.

Sandyballs

Christmas Arrangements

Here are Sandyballs's Christmas arrangements, already.  However, it's not yet Halloween!

All,

I have booked our lunch at Stanmer House for Thursday December 12 at 13.00 hrs. The idea is that we take a train to Falmer and then have a couple of lemonades at The Swan (venue of a NERDS ramble many, many years ago) then take the short walk across Stanmer Park.

I have paid £60 deposit for all of us. We need to give our choices nearer the time

I agree with Froggy - Malcolm (Bronco) do please join us!I will amend the booking to include you.

Sandyballs

Future Dates

The dwindling band (all 3 of us) enjoyed a good ramble in the dappled autumn sunshine yesterday. We collectively decided on the ramble dates for November and the December Xmas ramble.

November will take place on Wednesday ( no more Gatwick -hurrah!) 13th.

 Xmas ramble on THURSDAY December 12th. For the latter I hope to be booking a table for the Xmas dinner at Stanmer House. We have previously graced this place with our presence twice before and a good time was had by all. The 3 course lunch is priced at a modest £21.95 and includes (I think) a free glass of Prosecco. This will be a short ramble on tarmac so Nerds can leave their heavy, mud-caked walking boots behind and dress in their best threads.

Now I would like to book the table early so would appreciate early replies/ expressions of interest. There is a £10 per head deposit to be paid. I do not mind paying this for you, in advance of future reimbursement of course, if you are CERTAIN that you will be attending. Look forward to hearing from you. I will take silence as a negative response.

Cheers

Harry/ SB

2013 October's Write up

NERDS' Ramble No. 287. 14th October 2013.

The Diminished NERDS Ramble.

Those Present: Sandyballs, Froggy, Lafayette.

Again there was a dearth of NERDS for this ramble due largely to it not yet being Christmas and so no prospect of presents or a visit from Santa Claus. Poor NERDS!

Paco was working his fingers to the bone trying to identify Mystery Ghanaian Shoppers with forged passports ( Ha, ha, as if.....). Matt was still off a-cruising and everyone else was “busy”so it was down to a small, select band of three to do the ramble.

The day dawned brightish yet dullish; it was sort of warmish yet coolish and the NERDS were readyish if not at full strengthish. And Sandyballs had a plan.

But first we had to meet at chez Vic on Lewes Station.

First shock was that the dwarf ginger lady, who was very friendly and obviously fancied Froggy, declined to serve us brandies with our coffees. We told her we were all over 18, but she said she could see that and that wasn't actually the issue. Alkohol Sirven Bevor Ten Hunderd Ours vos Verboten. ( It was 0955hrs). So we played around with our coffees and then got Froggy over to promise her a shag sometime if only she'd give us some brandy quick because we were all dying for a drink and our train was going in five minutes....

It worked . We got our brandies, caught the train and Froggy left behind yet another pining female whom he'd seduced with false promises.....
And so on to Berwick. We checked out the Berwick Arms (from the outside cos it wasn't open yet) and thought it looked a bit deserted with no sign of Milfs or any other form of life. So not much chance of a drink there either.

Sandyballs unfurled his map and led us over the fields.

It was pleasant, autumny weather and not too muddy; we walked in the direction of er... somewhere, like back to Lewes but almost came out near the Barley Mow on the A27.... but not quite. Down a lane past a Kangeroo sign (kangeroo sign?) and then over lots of pleasant fields, some with sheep in them and some with no sheep in them just to make a change.

One had a ram in it who looked as if he might be prepared to defend his poor flock against NERD depradations, but took one look at Froggy's new Bear Gryll's style coat, turned tail and fled.

After lots of skirting hedges, getting a bit lost and wondering where lunch was ( Sandyballs refused to enlighten us) we gathered we were sort of heading for Ripe because there was a church there and we could see the steeple. We crossed a funny field where the grass was really smooth like on a bowling green, but where the farmer was employing two large tractors to rip it up and stack it up as turf. Maybe he was planning to sell it to posh people in Pakistan to refurbish their back-garden cricket pitches (if you've ever batted, bowled or fielded on a dry Pak. cricket pitch you'll know why). Anyway, whatever....

Finally we found ourselves walking up the long road to The Yew Tree at Chalvington.

Lafayette thought this pub looked a little familiar and then remembered. He and S.B. had visited it during the summer (purely for medicinal reasons ) and had sat in the garden watching all the local nannies playing with their delightful children. However we were narrowly beaten to the front door by a colonely looking Old Fart in a big daimler which seemed to indicate the clientele around that area.
Lafayette also recognised the pub by its flag floors and by the fact he had once about fifteen years ago tried to smoke a cigarette through his navel in the very room in which he was now standing (just don't ask...). It was a warm and welcoming pub. The locals all sat infront of the fire and grinned toothlessly at us – they knew what was probably going to happen next.

Lafayette was suddenly transported to another land where lots of Milfs were playing cricket on a green and pleasant pitch and where he was in to bat and where a particularly good looking Milf with long legs was trying to get him to knock the ball into her pram. “ we knew that you and all your friends were coming to our village green this morning,” the Milf said in a soft voice “And we thought we'd put on a show for you since you seem to like our kind.” “ Oh , yes,” thought Lafayette, “You and mermaids are my favourites.” This pleasant vision was disturbed by a rough hand shaking his shoulder. “ Wake up, you daft bastard,” he heard Sandyballs say impatiently. “You've just banged your head on one of the roof beams and nearly spilt all your drink.” The locals cackled toothlessly and Laf. vowed to walk around like Quasimodo for the rest of the time he was in the pub.

The food looked good and Froggy was elected official Quazi for the day to give him the privilege of fetching and carrying.

In fact the food was very good and so was the beer, and the landlord, Rett, or something was a very considerate old cove who told Lafayette he would be happy to keep his Milfs in the pub over the winter so they wouldn't get wet. (As you may have guessed, Laf. wasn't yet firing on all cylinders and was still getting a distorted view of reality) – unlike his write-up which are always the strict truth.

The other two Diminished NERDS amused themselves by playing 51st parallel games with their knives and forks. viz. You can't come over my side of the table because that's contravening my bit of space ie. “No Passaran.” but I can come over your part of the table because your spoon isn't in my way. ie. I can pinch your chips and you can't retaliate. Sadly, we had to leave this nice pub with its sympatico landlord and head off once again into the countryside.

We traversed some roads, some fields, a bit of a wood and then half a mile down a straight, straight road could be seen the station and The Berwick Arms. Open at last! We piled in; it looked a bit sparse; but at least it sold beer and had a nice fire with armchairs infront of it.

There was another new landlord and unfortunately there wasn't a Milf to be seen so Lafayette descended into a doze and dreamt a little. The others sat around, set new dates, drew up agendas, organised the NERDS' Christmas Onesie Party and generally made themselves useful. Then, hoping for a train full of mini-skirted schoolgirls they hurtled out of the pub to get the train back to Lewes.

Sadly the train was both Milfless and schoolgirlless so the NERDS settled for drink. “Let's go to The Kings Head in Southover,” suggested S.B. “The barmaids there are always cracking.” and so they were.

The afternoon one was shapely with long dark hair and welcomed three pissed-up NERDS with a gorgeous smile. Her relief on the evening shift was quite tall with long blonde hair and a very pleasant manner. Both of them were at least old enough to be our granddaughters.

And so another ramble came to an end. Despite there being only three Depleted NERDS it had been a success. The route, although a bit long had been very interesting and rural. The pub in Chalvington was in the increasingly rare “NERDS Approved” category, so thanks to Sandyballs for his organising it.

It'll soon be Christmas – really looking forward to The Onesie Party. Hope I can get a costume with a tail on it! Lafayette.

Final October joining instructions

Dear NERDS,

After some confusion and deliberation it has been agreed by nearly all that we shall stick to the original plan and walk on Monday 14th. Details to follow!

There may well be just 3 of us - unless Mike and Tony decide to join us?

Sandyballs