2018 APRIL'S RAMBLE

NERDS' Ramble No. 341 Wed. 11th April 2018

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, Froggy, Curly.

Latecomers – Paco, Bandido.

The Brown Butterfly Ramble.

Today's ramble was not only a new, new route which had come to Sandyballs in a dream, it was to be one of the most highly organised works of art in NERDS' history. That is, because it was such a special ramble it had deserved a recce done by both S.B. and Laf. to ensure that the route and the hospitality were up to the proper standards.

Laf and S.B. had had a few adventures on the recce which will be related in due course; the others all met at the Runaway

at the station and then proceeded to Lewes Bus station to catch the most rare and unreliable Compass bus

to Laughton. The latter is one of those obscure villages in East Sussex. Rich people buy cottages here and then find they are living miles from anywhere, and really need to have learned to drive, to chop wood and to grow their own potatoes to survive. What was worse was that it was so early in the morning that we had all become Twerlies and had to actually pay for the bus fares. (Scandal!)

Fortunately S.B. had a map and wellingtons. This worried some of the others – would the route be wet or muddy? Not blinkin' harf, thought Lafayette. You lot just don't know what we've got in store for you! The weather was a bit dull and it was evident that it had rained a bit since the recce. However we started off OK on a small country lane

which led to a very pleasant church

with lots of graves outside – (mostly of dead people.)

There was a Baron's grave which Froggy claimed to have some sort of connection with and which seemed to have some sort of breathing tube attached. (maybe it was a vampire baron with asthma.)

Matt and Curly went inside the church and made wondrous cooing sounds – the lure of religion – and we all wandered around

and Lafayette sat in the childrens' playpen area and rested his poor, tired limbs.

Outside we went down a path and through a pleasant wood

where birds were singing and fairies were hiding

(probably.) Matt himself began to drop hints about his proposed trip to Peru later in the year. This had started off as a solo holiday but was now attracting followers of which there were now at least two. The mystery was who they were, and how they had managed to pay the enormous entry fee. Froggy (being one of them ) was annoyed that his wife had managed to get one up on him and travel to Peru last year without him. Maybe it was a bit like the Gambia where middle aged wives just go off to on a whim because it's got nice shops.

Anyway, outside the wood the ramble started in earnest. This was where the map was needed. The route consisted of very similar looking fields

all of which were wet, boggy, muddy and treacherous.

Lafayette told everyone not to worry as the fifth field up on the right held a surprise for everyone. He hinted that the field was full of exotic brown butterflies ( a bit like fairies but not so intelligent). The trouble was that Lafayette was joshing and bantering and the brown butterflies had horns and waggy, long tails.

This is where S.B. and Laf. had suddenly found themselves the focus of attention of a petite herd of about thirty bullocks

on Monday last. Now bullocks (especially brown ones) are very curious animals who knew that our two NERDS were extra special beings worthy of their attention. All that Laf. and S.B. were trying to do was get out of this filthy, muddy, wet field into the next filthy, muddy, wet field without falling into the swamp underneath. The bullocks decided to race around the field to corral the two NERDS. S.B. was thinking of leaping over the barbed wire fence at the side of the field to escape but Lafayette who originally came from farming stock in rural Staffordshire knew that bullocks only attack people who wear red sweaters (like Froggy had on by coincidence that day.) So Laf. bravely stood his ground and the bullocks gazed on him in awe and rattled past into the next field.

That day though, the bullocks were all dotted about the filthy, muddy wet field bored with life in general and not bothered about the arrival of several timorous NERDS and their squelching feet. Hardly a head was raised, even Froggy in his red jumper managed to sidle past without being gored and stomped upon. Lafayette laughed inwardly and resolved to bring some firecrackers for next time.

We arrived at a fairy-tale tower

which Sandyballs said was not a folly but a tower which you could hire

and go away to with someone you like, and shag your brains out. He said he had once been seen off by some irate German guest there when he had been seen peeping through the windows. Lafayette sat down, the excitement was getting too much for him. Hipflasks were produced by him and Curly and time out was called to consult the map.

Fortunately Sandyballs must have had a new perspective on the route from that of earlier in the week. We seemed to be short-cutting more successfully except for when we got hemmed in by barbed wire fences

and they were just too big to leap over. Froggy said it all reminded him of the route along Hadrian's Wall where some local had told him he couldn't possibly get lost unless he was a complete moron. The other NERDS kept tactfully silent at this point.

Finally we got back to the fairy wood

which led back to the church

which led back to the pub. Incidentally this was The Roebuck at Laughton

just in case anybody is sufficiently moronic to get lost round here again. One of its more stranger assets is the gents toilet which has grotesque gargoyle features for you to piss in

. Another quirky feature was that of what appeared to be a dead suit of armour lying on the roof. What with all the fairies in the woods too the NERDS thought they were being pursued by enchantment.

However it was not fairy magic that was coming after us but a somewhat disheveled Paco with the slavering monster known as Bandido. Despite being rung up by two different people and reminded about the ramble, Paco had forgotten that he was supposed to be monster-sitting for his friend, Imogen, that day.

Luckily he had remembered where lunch was and how to get there so he had driven up to keep us company.

The food in the Roebuck wasn't bad but on the expensive side. Paco sat next to the fire

and fried, and Bandido wandered around everyone else's table and generally made himself popular. (Aren't the general public soppy about large dogs approaching them for choice bits of the meal they're eating.) After all this we got the only other bus going back to Lewes that week and disappeared to our various directions.

Congratulations to Sandyballs for having found a completely new, new ramble

in a place so obscure that they needed goblins in the toilets to attract people in. Sandyballs' daughter allegedly lives further up the road but finds public transport a bit restricted so sometimes has to borrow her neighbour's broomstick to get to work. Lafayette thinks he had been drinking calvados when he had seen brown butterflies on his reconnoitre ramble, but then - it's strange in the country!

Lafayette.

April 2018 Ramble advance notice

Dear All,

Today Lafayette and myself did a recce for Wednesday’s ramble as this is a BRAND NEW RAMBLE, lunching at a BRAND NEW PUB (for the NERDS) using a BRAND NEW method of transport (the 143 bus). It was a good ramble, apart from having to negotiate a field full of bulls! The terrain was - er, - soft. You could make a case for doing it in wellies, although the last mile and a half is on tarmac. The choice is yours.

Don’t forget the early start the 08.18 train from Seaford!

Sandyballs

April 2018 Ramble Joining Instructions

We ramble on Wednesday 11th. Whoops!- sorry about the late notice. This month we are starting and ending the walk at The Roebuck pub in Laughton. Getting there is slightly problematic - there is a Rambler bus from Lewes bus station but it is a very occasional service.

Therefore it will necessitate an early start. It will mean that Seaford types will have to take the - gulp-08.18 train to Lewes. I will meet you inside the Runaway café and after a coffee we will stroll to the bus station for the next leg of the journey. I understand that those NERDS who have been retired for a longer period than myself may have to refer to the manual to find out how their alarm clocks work!

As ever the weather forecast is fine for Wednesday. However there may be some soft stuff underfoot…………

Sandyballs

March 2018 Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 340 – Wed. 7th Mar. '18.

Those Present

NERDS – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Froggy, Matt, Curly, The Bish, Paco.

Guest Nerds – Imogen, Bandido.

Darksiders – Steady Eddie, Jane, Debbie, Marion, Roger, Dave, Robert.

Joint Ramble March 2018.

Lafayette received notification of the next Darkside ramble. He opened his diary

and there on the same date was written “NERDS.” Shock, horror, nasty empty sinky feeling – Lafayette was double booked! Would he have to make a choice about which faction to follow – the easy going NERDS who rambled not a lot but spent most of their time being sociable in pubs, or the more professional Darkside who believed that walking was actually an essential part of a “ramble” but who also were not averse to being sociable in pubs. Tricky this, hmm.

Fortunately, Lafayette noticed that the starting venue for the Darksiders was to be in Lewes. “Aha,” thought Laf. maybe with my infinite powers of persuasion I can swing a joint venture and get out of this embarassing hole wot I have dug.” And so after a couple of phone calls to a couple of Ramble Masters the project was give joint blessing to go forward. Phew! So now nothing could go wrong.......

It was the due day. Everyone had been told to be in the right place at (more or less) the right time. Darksiders and NERDS had been checking each other out on Google to see if there were any maniacs in the other group which they might have to avoid. (Both sides were keeping stumm about their own secret maniacs.) People started drifting in to The Runaway (cafe) on Lewes station; The NERDS started ordering coffee cognacs and putting their feet up.

Then came the alarming news that the trains were all screwed up from points north. Some pillock had decided to end it all on the track at Streatham and so people were not going to be on time and the whole venture would become a disaster – scream!! Lafayette was gnawing his elbows down to the shoulder blades; He was contemplating committing hara kiri and had already got Sandyballs to agree to behead him in an honourable way. What a disgrace! His whole family would have to leave Nehaven and go into exile! Meanwhile the rest of the NERDs had apparently noticed nothing amiss and were quietly reading newspapers, petting the odd black dog and getting on with seeing how many cafe cognacs they could drink.

Steady Eddie came up with the obvious solution. “ Let the laggards get a taxi to the next destination or just follow us along the road.” he suggested. OK, Lafayette came down from the ceiling, somebody poured a cafe cgnac down his throat ( good for stress) and the lumbering crocodile set off in a raggedy, un-coordinated way out of Lewes and towards The Juggs for the (one and only) pit stop.

The weather was not too bad even though it was early March. It was not cold and we were keeping to the tarmaccy bits so that nobody really got muddy feet. Steady Eddie and Lafayette raced together to The Juggs in Kingston so that they could stand on the high ground and indicate the venue to all the slower ones.

The Juggs was the same as ever.

It had a roaring fire which paralysed everyone who was daft enough to sit in its vicinity, and enough beer to keep both groups happy. Bandido objected to having his photo taken and barked at Froggy.

Sandyballs took out his deaf aid ( all the better to hear you with, my dear) and offered to lend it to Roger to enhance his cycling experience.

Matt looked at the women of the Darkside

and decided he'd never seen anything so exotic; NERDS don't have regular women in their group; they don't understand them; they come in different shapes and sizes and have different priorities in life. They do sometimes buy you drinks with a view to making you do things you don't understand but a whole book could be written about women and their wiles. Anyway, shortly afterwards, the two laggards, Marion and Dave turned up a little late and breathless from having to catch up and so the two groups were now complete in numbers.

Lunch was to be taken back in Lewes so Lafayette and Steady Eddie managed to prise everyone away from the bar and the fire to head for the next destination. The continuing walk took in a white windmill

and a horse enclosure where B.T had once been molested by a randy donkey. (Things were different then; B.T. had no central NERDS committee to complain about the donkey's harrassment. In those days he would have simply have been laughed at and told to fuck off. Probably the same nowadays actually. But I digress.

The route proceeded over the Downs

which, now that the sun had come out, gave on to a marvellous view over Sussex, over the Mighty Ouse and even as far as the sea. Steadie Eddie, Lafayette and Debbie admired the view

and descended the Downy path towards Lewes prison (national monument) and then headed towards Southover along a muddy path on the outskirts of Lewes.

Arriving on Suicide Bridge

over the A27 Lafayette suffered another panic attack. He had arranged for the NERDS/Darksiders to eat at 1300hrs in the Swan Inn at Southover but it was now 5 to 1. Would we be in time? Would the pub wait for us? Would they cancel our tables (we were 14 people after all.) what if it all went wrong? Oh the disgrace! Oh the ignominy! Would everybody hate him? Lafayette borrowed Debbie's phone and hysterically phoned the pub saying we all might be late and how terribly, terribly sorry he was (grovel, grovel). The pub didn't mind, in fact the pub didn't give a toss, and Steady Eddie just stood there with a disdainful look and said “ If you hadn't wasted time doing that we would have been there five minutes ago.” How true. How true.

And so of course we weren't late at all and we walked in and greeted Robert who had driven down to see us because he had a bad hip and everything started going to Lafayette's plan again.

We had all been put on two separate, adjacent tables, and because of the natural order of things the NERDS

went on one table and the Darksiders on the other. No discrimination like, just separate tribes. Except Lafayette sat himself on the Darkside table because they don't bitch as much and you get more drinks out of their whip.

Unfortunately he was sitting with his back to the NERDS

and every so often was aware of threatening rumblings of conversation. “What have I done now?” thought Lafayette. “Do they think I've insulted them? Have they got it in for me? Are they plotting to take away my title of NERDS' Scribe and hand it over to Froggy? Do they think he's a better writer than me? Is my NERD life over?” Lafayette's inner torment shreiked at him.

Meanwhile behind him the NERDS, totally unaware of all this mental paranoia merely got on with their meals and carried on swigging their drinks and ignored Lafayette.

The food was pretty good. Some of the Darkside had Nigerian chicken curry (!!) which was quite pleasant, then a load of wine, then more wine, then cafes with clandestine calvados then it all got a bit blurry.

The NERDS disappeared early leaving Lafayette behind to wonder if they had gone out to set up an ambush for him somewhere to kick him into unconsciousness and to feed him to that big, black dog they'd brought with them. But in the event nothing of this sort happened.

After lunch Lafayette's nerves were in such shreds that he grabbed a couple of Darkside women and ran off with them to the Depot in Lewes to hide and to drink lots of gin. Marion and Debbie seemed to like the Depot, it was classy after all and some of the bar staff were young and male so the ladies were happy. Of course, Lafayette's secret drinking tryst was interrupted by Mrs Sandyballs who came and introduced herself to the Darksiders, but who Lafayette just knew had been sent over by Sandyballs to spy on him and report back to the NERDS. “She'll just tell them my literary talents have all disappeared and Froggy will definitely be the new Scribe,” he thought. Luckily after that he blacked out and found himself back at Lavender Lodge.

Well, apart from all the mental organisational anguish which that day had caused Lafayette (joke), the ramble seemed to have gone OK and both NERDS and Darksiders seemed to have had a good time. Thanks be to all who came from miles away and thanks to those who were injured (Robert) and who just came to see us.

Maybe Lafayette will do a joint cliff walk ramble in the summer if he's still in the NERDS then and not been gobbled up by a big black dog. Vamos a Ver.

Lafayette.

March 2018 Ramble information

Hi all NERDS,

The March ramble will take place on Wednesday 7th. Coincidentally, The Dark Side are having their ramble on the same day but fortunately they are coming to Lewes.

So Lafayette and I have agreed to have a joint ramble with the other lot. We will all meet at The Runaway Cafe on Lewes station at about 10.30 -10.45. Laf has booked lunch at The Swan

in Southover for 1PM for 14 people (yes!).

I don't know what kind of route Ed has devised but if it is too ambitious (Dark Siders tend to walk further than the largely septuagenarian NERDS) we can do our own thing and meet up at The Swan. Hopefully there will be no blizzards or snow drifts...........

Sandyballs

2018 February's Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 339 - Wed. 21st Feb 2018. 

Those Present – Sandyballs, Lafayette, Matt, Froggy, El Paco,

Curly, The Bish. 

The Tarmac Ramble to The Cricketers. 

Most of the NERDS met on the train from Seaford and most of the NERDS had been to The Steamworks at Seaford to get juiced up with cafe cognacs before the arduous business of having to ramble. Lafayette got on the train, shook fingers with everyone and completely ignored the grumpy looking old git sat in the corner - who turned out to be the Bish. (Sorry, Tony; didn't recognise you without your mitre.)

Sandyballs was waiting outside the Runaway

at Lewes station. Nobody could get a drink here yet because of the loud clamourings of the poor Lewes wage slaves who were trying to anaesthetise their boring commuter journeys with alcohol and bacon sandwiches. Finally, however the London train came in, the rabble dispersed and life returned to normality. Lafayette and one or two other pensioned off heroes strode inside and ordered cafe cognacs

(again) and so the NERDS day began properly.

On the way to Berwick Sandyballs told us that he too had got tired of a life spent trudging from port to port, dealing with awkward passengers and indecipherable internet problems, not to mention pitiful pay and no cafe cognac breaks. In short he had decided to finally, absolutely and irrevocably retire to spend the rest of his life concentrating on NERDS' admin. And to this end he had bought a new camera

to “help” Froggy take NERDS' photos. - Except he was buggered if he could make the damn thing work........

On the way to Berwick, since it had recently been Sandyballs' 70th birthday, and since he had promised to start smoking soon as he was going to die anyway (one day) Paco and Lafayette started to give him helpful tips on how to consume a vast Cuban cigar

he had been saving for some time. “ First of all,” said Lafayette, a celebrated smoker of French cigarettes in his crossing days, “First of all, make sure you take it out of the metal tube otherwise you'll get a nasty taste in your mouth when you light it

.” “ Then, “ chimed in El Paco, “ Make sure you don't under any circumstances inhale the metallic smoke otherwise you''ll immediately drop down dead

like I did a few years ago in Brazil.”

Looking around at all the amazed NERDS' faces he added, “ I did actually get better but it takes a lot of willpower.” Sandyballs decided he might leave this exciting new experience until his 80th birthday when he might have taken proper advice from someone who knew what they were talking about.

So a quick pint in The Berwick Inn

where we all lounged around outside in the sun trying to look cool in sunglasses. Matt was wondering if Curly had had a nice birthday and Curly said he had. ( Although he hadn't taken up smoking yet.) On we went on the tarmac cycle path - Sandyballs is considerate; he knows that NERDS don't like wading through mud on their travels. The weather was pleasant, sunny but cold so a good job we'd all had a few drinks to get us going.

Finally arriving at The Cricketers we arranged ourselves round a large table and opened our diaries

to get a date for going to Dieppe to celebrate 30 years of NERDing. (Dieppe Raid Four). Laf said he couldn't go next January because it was his birthday and he wanted to learn to smoke again.

Froggy said he couldn't go in July because he was going to Peru with his secret lover ( Matt). Paco said he couldn't go in August because there was a particular You Tube programme he wanted to see, and |The Bish said he couldn't make it in May because there was a certain Royal Wedding he needed to officiate at. So we all said OK we'll go in June cos it's nice in Dieppe then.

Business over we set to on the important stuff of the day, like eating and drinking.

The food was good in The Cricketers but rather pricey. I mean, Paco paid £8 for a double cognac,

and that sans coffee. (Cognac is a sort of food). Mind you, whoever will be reading NERDS' write-ups in thirty years time (guffaw!) will be thinking “Only £8 for a double cognac, you were spoilt; now you have to sell the family diamonds because the price of cognac has gone up so much!”

After lunch we braved the A27 once again and walked back towards The Berwick Inn. (The next bit is for B.T.) We then passed a wood

in which Lafayette swore he heard fairies whispering together and saying how they would really like to join the NERDS

but couldn't because they were girlies and had long delicate wings etc etc. Lafayette didn't report this conversation to the others just in case they thought he was a loony, but he thought B.T. might find some nice pictures of them for the blog.

Back at The Berwick Froggy told us how his French mother had been a lousy cook because she'd always had servants running round after her and had therefore built up a huge sense of entitlement – not to mention having a Baron in her immediate family. Poor Froggy had spent his late adolescence doing all the cooking in the house since the French army had recognised his enormous latent talent and sent him on a Cordon Bleu cookery course

instead of making him peel spuds like the rest of the recruits. What a Star!

Paco said his wife had been an OK cook but had once told him she didn't mind being married to him but would he consider living apart before he spent all his money on expensive cognacs. Sandyballs said he had married a mermaid

because these days when she talked to him she sounded as if she was under water, but she was a good cook. Lafayette said he had to cook all his own meals because his wife had purple hair and sometimes reminded him of the fairies in the woods. Someone said we all ought to go home before the ramble got too surreal and so we got the Schoolgirl Express

back to Lewes and disappeared.

Well, it had been a good ramble with “Luck of the NERDS” weather again. We had managed not to walk too far or get too tired, and at least had got some dates for Dieppe. The vexed question of teeshirts still remains but will probably go on as long as the present Brexit talks do.

Have fun you NERDS and don't talk to any fairies – especially those who smoke!

Lafayette.

February's Ramble advice

Dear all,

Please remember to bring your diaries with you on Wednesday. Hopefully we can thrash out a date for the 30th anniversary rambles this summer.

Sandyballs

February 2018 Ramble joining Instructions

Hi all NERDS,

"This month we revisit an old favourite ramble" A familiar refrain! Actually the need this month is to avoid walking up to our knees in a quagmire after a particularly wet winter. With this in mind I thought we might do the short stroll from Berwick station to The Cricketers Pub for lunch,thus guaranteeing a tarmac walk by using the cycle path.

The date is Wednesday 21st. We will be taking the 11.09 from Lewes so this means the 10.25 from Seaford and I will meet you in the Runaway Cafe.

There may will be a chance to have a drink in The Berwick Inn at the station. However their website is a bit vague on opening times, or indeed anything else so whether or not the place is even open is in some doubt. We shall find out on the day.

Hope to see many if not all of you (BT excluded!)

SB