October's Halloween Ramble 2016

NERDS' Ramble No. 323. Wed. 31st Oct. 2016.


Those Present – Froggy, Lafayette, Paco, Sandyballs, Curly.


Froggy's Halloween Ramble.

No, no clown costumes; no witches hats, no chainsaws; only a lot of scary faces which meant that Froggy had been let loose as routemaster on the scariest day of the year to organise The Halloween Ramble. He had already scared off Matt who was cowering in his front room hoping the door bell wouldn't ring. Bandido and his mom, Imogen had also taken flight so that just left a bunch of hard-core NERDS quivering in fear and anticipation of what the day would bring.

The day actually began with picking up Lafayette at Newhaven Station where surprisingly, The Captain, already on the train, kindly gave up his seat to the (formerly) Infirm One. Lafayette had given up his summer job as a butcher's boy, whizzing around on his bike, to join the only club that would have him and stagger around a few pubs. What the Captain was doing amongst us that day he wouldn't say. We suspected he'd got a bit of totty hidden away in Brighton but he remained amazingly circumspect.

After picking up Sandyballs at Lewes we were on the way to Berwick when Paco started talking about Bonobos. WTF? Was this some sort of Spanish sandwich, peut-etre? An island in the West Indies nobody had visited? The name of the current Gambian prime minister - or what? For some reason Paco had chimps on the brain ( for such they were) but only the educated train guard had ever heard of them. OK......so moving on...

We alighted at Berwick and found to our amazement that The Berwick Inn was actually open with rough working type men sitting outside drinking beer. Despite our pleas, Froggy wouldn't stop (Ooh, how masterful!)

and intead took us over the fields in the glorious sunshine promising us another better pub

where we could get wasted. (Huh, jam tomorrow doesn't do it for Lafayette; he wants it all; he wants it now.) However Froggy insisted (Ooh!) and we made it to The Barley Mow on the other side of the A27 just in time to hammer on the door at opening time.

Things to note about The Barley Mow:
1) The Barmaid – took a picture of us all lounging in the armchairs

before her unlit fire. Not bad, 8/10.

2) The ghostly butler – must have been about eighty years old,

quivered when you stamped on the floorboards. OK, about 7/10.

3) The Gentlemans' Lavatory – Wow! Full of mind boggling lady porn,

mostly from the Edwardian era, guaranteed to make any young lad go out and look for girls (to make friends with etc.)

Yep, this was a good pub, but after a mere two pints (and a lot of visits to the loo) Froggy masterfully dragged us away (Ooh!) to carry on his chosen track over the fields in the golden sun to get to the next pub.

After a bit of sort of getting a bit lost Lafayette put us on the right path and we descended into a field full of friendly horses.

At least we hoped they were friendly. Sandyballs wasn't so sure, “ They can bite, you know,” he said fearfully. “ I bet your mother told you that about girls just to put you off them,” retorted Lafayette whose own mother had been enlightened enough to plaster the walls of the family bog with tasteful “art studies” so that young Laf wouldn't get any queer ideas when he went off to university.

The horses, well, actually one shetland pony and a bunch of well looked after brown mares

were in fact very friendly and searched us closely in the hope of finding apples. Sadly we had failed to pick up any by the tree outside the pub so they had to go hungry. Actually, not so hungry, as Laf found out a couple of fields further on, when he discovered his precious notes on his precious yellow embark cards were missing out of his back pocket. “Shit!” he thought. “I'll have to make everything up (again) although I'm sure nobody will notice. What a disaster!

Next stop, and pub number three in the thrilling Froggo adventure was Rose Cottage. This is where Sandyballs, determined to show Laf. that his own mother had brought him up right, launched into a spectacular line of chat to the bewildered and harrassed barmaid.

“Aren't you that Davina McCall, the one who's on the telly all the time?” he enquired. The barmaid looked at Sandyballs coldly. “ Do you really think Davina McCall would be up to her arms in stupid customers with their stupid orders and stupid ham egg and chips?” If I was Davina McCall I'd be lying around in a bikini outside my luxury pool

not dealing with tosspots like you asking bloody stupid questions!” she shouted angrily, then promptly burst into tears. “There, there,” cooed Lafayette giving her his nice, fresh, white hanky. “Wipe your tears away with this, mon petit chou.” The barmaid moaned and collapsed into Lafayette's arms

etc. etc. leaving Laf. to be actually quite glad that he'd lost his original notes.

The NERDS sat outside in the sun, Laf sat with the barmaid on his knee. Another barmaid served everyone with their food and drink.

Laf's barmaid snuggled into his shoulder and told him that her real name was Claudia Winkelman but all the stupid customers persisted in thinking she was the other one. “There, there,” soothed Laf. “Perhaps you'd better come back to my house where I can dry your tears.” Just as Claudia was nodding prettily there was a shout from Sandyballs. “Hey!, I've just found your real notes lying here under the table.” Pouff, everything good about the world suddenly disappeared. Lafayette swore he'd get even with Sandyballs one day.

So while we basked in the glow of the afternoon sun setting over the nearby fields, the conversation reverted to its trite realities. Froggy told us about his prostate problems and how he had to get up twice in the night for a wee. S.B. agreed and said he was a twice a night wee-er as well. Curly said he only had to get up once in fact.(“Oh God,” Lafayette thought, “ Maybe I'll just flush my notes down the loo here and write something more interesting.”). Sandyballs interrupted his nocturnal musing to put on a medal and demand money from everyone.

Apparently he'd cycled for miles and miles the other week and raised a lot of sponsorship for over-age Nigerian kids to come as refugees to the UK. Nobody paid up.

The food and drink in Rose Cottage were excellent and the NERDS, persuaded by Froggy, (Ooh! Masterful) decided to lie about here all afternoon,

or at least until the sun went down, and enjoy the fruits of Lafayette's fantasies. Eventually however, having pissed off all the other disapproving, middle class, sober couples who were sitting outside with us (nobody else had a barmaid on their knee, you see,) The NERDS moved on over the fields on that balmy and delightful afternoon in search of frescoes and religious absolution in a certain church we (thought) we knew.

So, after a while we went into St. Wotsits not far away, looked round, found God but no frescoes. Sandyballs was convinced the NERDS were being punished for Lafayette's sins. Lafayette having been brought up not a catholic

and coached by his mother in how to talk properly to girlies, didn't give a toss. There were plenty more pubs with barmaids in, who needed poxy frescoes after all?

We carried on over the sunny, golden fields until we came to St. Doodah, another famous Sussex church. This we knew to be the right church but by this time we were all too knackered to go round it. Instead Froggy took some pictures of Paco talking to some bonobos in a barn,

and Laf. and S.B. wandered into a little un-manned shop outside someone's front garden, and bought some jam and some eggs.

(I blame that Davina McCall on the cooking programmes on TV, thought Laf.).

Passing infront of the Cricketers at about 4 o'clock. Sandyballs hailed a barmaid clearing up plates and glasses from the front garden and asked if she was that Carole Kirkwood from off the telly. “No!” she spat, looking harrassed and put upon, “And you're not getting a drink either because we're closed!” So that was that.

Lafayette smirked inwardly.

Nothing for it but to hoof it back to The Berwick Inn and hope it was still open.

It was, and of course it was all decked out in Halloween Shit, and so the beer was, wait for it, £4 a pint! ( Froggy actually paid £5.50 for a pint of lager.) The NERDS knew then that the day had finally come when they would really, really, really have to give up drinking beer and go on to cheap Lidl's calvados instead. Curly said it was all B.T's fault – him and his expensive Brexit ideas! We couldn't even savour these pints as we had about ten minutes before the train came.

Oh well, it had been a good ramble what with Froggy being all masterful, horses eating Lafayette's notes and barmaids crying into his shoulder ( well only one actually.......perhaps). The weather had been fantastic and the pubs pretty good apart from the price of beer.

Nice one Froggy.

Lafayette.

The Halloween Ramble joining instructions

OK guys, only one more week to go.

The 09:25 from Seaford is on schedule and the return trains from Berwick are still running at 17 minutes past the hour.

The only significant alteration is that the Cricketers is changing to winter opening hours and will close at 15:00 hrs.

Sorry you can't be with us Tony, enjoy Spain!

See you next Monday!

Froggy x

October's Joining Instructions

OK you lucky Nerds, you get me for this month's route-mastering and as the backwards Beachy Head Ramble was such a success in June 2014, we are going to do another of my favourites in reverse. This will involve the 4 Sussex pubs; the Barley Mow, the Rose Cottage, the Cricketers and the Berwick Inn in that order. The first pub opens at 11:00 and there are 2 suitable arrivals at Berwick station at 10:20 and 11:17. Methinks the former is best for a bijou 40 minute stroll towards Selmeston. The Rose Cottage has new owners though not new opening times. Still it might be nice to sample the new menu before the kitchen closes?

The train leaves Seaford at 09:25 (Bishopstone 09:27 and Newhaven Town 09:32). There should be time to meet Harry at 09:45 in the Runaway and grab a coffee before the 10:09 from platform 3.
I shall keep an eye out for any railway misdemeanours and confirm arrangements nearer to the 31st, after all there are 3 weeks to go today and anything can happen!

Froggy x

the really good news is that all 4 pubs will be open this way around!

October's Ramble date for 2016

The Ramble is on the 31st Of October this year and is a Froggy Enterprise.  Joining instructions will follow in due course.

September's Write-up 2016

NEWHAVEN RAMBLING & DRINKING SOCIETY



Ramble No 322 Wednesday 14th September



“ The Return of the NOBS Ramble”



NERDS Present: Curly, Matt, Froggy, Paco The Bish, Sandyballs

NOBS Present: Lafayette



First, a word of explanation. Since its inception in the middle of the 18th Century, the NERDS has spawned a number of spin-off organisations. Most of these were either still-born or withered away and died shortly after birth. I could mention NIGS, NAGS, NIGERIA, SCOFFERS, STROLLERS, CLUB CORONA, etc. In passing it would only be fair to mention 2 organisations which still, apparently, exist but which are a pale imitation of the magnificent NERDS. I refer to CORDS and The DARK SIDE.

Anyway, one of these short-lived sub-organisations, which also crashed and burned was the NOBS. Which stood for NERDS ON BIKES. As it says on the tin this involved various NERDS wobbling about the countryside on their bicycles visiting various hostelries. As your Scribe can testify, imbibing alcohol and riding bikes is not always a good idea………

The plan was for the NERDS to walk to Rodmell from the north, whilst Lafayette would join us, by bike, from the south. Part of Laf’s unusual health syndrome was that he couldn’t walk but he could cycle. So he would be the only representative of the NOBS amidst a group of NERDS.

Anyway, back to the plot. NERDS gathered at Lewes station (despite the best efforts of Southern Rail to frustrate us)

. It was a beautiful warm day and the sun was shining brightly. We are not used to this in September. .Because of the slightly early arrival of the train/bus we thought there was plenty of time to have a pit-stop pint at The Brewers.

After all, your Routemaster/ Scribe reasoned, the lunch-time pub The Abergavenny Arms at Rodmell didn’t open until 12 noon and it wasn’t very far to Rodmell, was it?

Predicitably, the pint turned into a pint and a half

(two pints from some thirsty types) so it was a little after 11 am before we emerged from The Brewers and rolled down Keere Street

to begin the ramble. We walked through the leafy banlieue of Southover under the A27 by-pass and into the real countryside.

SB had a vague idea that the path led down to the river Ouse which we would follow until we reached Southover and then Rodmell. It ddn’t quite work out that way……….As usual, he hadn’t done any recce for this ramble – after all Lewes is my town. What could possibly go wrong?

The sun was beating down from a cloudless sky.

NERDS were getting hot and bothered. The path meandered on somewhere between the river and the C7 but we weren’t exactly sure where we were. The heat was increasing, it felt like we were in some African savannah.

The foaming pints seemed a long way off.

Laf kept phoning up asking where the f…….we were. Of course we had no idea. Laf said he would have another pint and carry on sunbathing.

Our path led through fields, over stiles, through cow-pats and stinging nettles.

Eventually we believed we had reached Rodmell but it was only Northease and we emerged onto the C7. There followed an enjoyable mile long walk along the pavement-free main road, dodging the incoming traffic. So at last the fair hamlet of Rodmell came into view. We found Laf lying on his back in the garden under the table, giggling uncontrollably surrounded by empty beer flagons. Yes, our walk had taken a bit longer than we thought!

NERDS set to doing what they do best – sinking pints and ordering pub grub.

There was a substantial delay in the wait for food so we sat in the sun and drank. The food, when it arrived was judged to be good.

So NERDS approved for The Abergavenny Arms then.

Conversation turned to the date of the next ramble. Because of holidays and other commitments we finally decided on MONDAY October 31st. Yes, Halloween night! The first time for The NERDS. Plenty of scope for dressing-up there. Trick or Treat, etc. Froggy had been clamouring to route master another ramble so it was decided, God help us, to allow him another chance.

He will have to be aware of the complication of Laf’s condition,so maybe the walk will have to be centred around some location that Laf can get to by bike, bus or train. Or his situation may well ameliorate. Froggy over to you!

The ramble broke up in some confusion. Laf wobbled off on his velo, Mrs Sandyballs drove to the pub to collect SB to fulfil onerous domestic tasks and the others went off in search of a bus.

All in all, an enjoyable, sunny, sociable time.. The Scribe can congratulate the Routemaster on an excellent ramble!!

I am off to recruit and organise a new branch of The NERDS in NYC!



Sandyballs

September's Ramble

The reluctant scribe is showing just how reluctant he really is!  Meanwhile, however, here is one of Froggy;s photographs to keep everyone in the picture!

August 2016 Ramble - at last

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The August 2016 Ramble

Although Sandyballs describes himself as a reluctant scribe we have yet to see anything from him in respect of the pearls of wisdom he so wilfully declares he has written.  Not a jot nor a tittle have we yet received.  However, here is a photograph from Foggy to remind us all of the event.

 Perhaps this will stir up the loins of our reluctant scribe!

Joining Instructions for 14th September 2016

Charlie,

Please send this to the rest of the NERDS:


Dear All,

This month we walk on Wednesday 14th. Laf is still crook so cannot ramble. However he can cycle so will hopefully join us for lunch.

So.......I would invite the Seaford contingent to take the RAIL REPLACEMENT BUS from Seaford at about 09.55 and alight at Lewes Railway station where I will join you. Incidentally, I am informed that this bus service runs on a regular basis, so do not be afraid! I am not sure exactly what time the bus reaches Lewes but I will wait for you.

From there we will walk along the Ouse and meet Laf at The Abergavenny Arms at Rodmell. Apres lunch the Seaford lot can walk along to the junction with Southease village and catch the replacement bus home. Don't worry, it will all work.

Sandyballs ( Route master and reluctant Scribe of the ever flexible NERDS).

August 2016 Joining Instructions Extra

Chers NERDS,

Message from Sandyballs whose IT is still up the spout:

We need to get the onward bus from Churchill Square promptly after our arrival at Starbucks. This means no titting about in the queue looking at foreign students and probably no time for coffee.

We must get off quickly once we all meet. No slacking!

See you all on the bus.



Lafayette.

August Ramble 2016 Joining Instructions

Dear NERDS,

Here are Sandyballs' joining instructions for next Friday 26th. Nota bene the name of the cafe to meet in. This means you, Froggy!

Lafayette.

P.S.I'm off next week to Jamaica to coach Usain Bolt in the art of how to loaf in retirement.

As you- although know we ramble this Friday on August 26th. Problem is I am having trouble with my Hotmail account. Since it changed itself to 'Outlook' and then changed the design of the website I can't do a thing with it - although it is allowing me (I hope!) to send individual recipients like yourself! Could you please send the joining instructions to the other NERDS?

Basically we are going to meet in Starbucks in Churchill Square at about 10.30 and then proceed by bus to another undisclosed destination. I have to think of one first!

Thanks. Hope you find the time amidst all the Olympic telly-bashing.

See you on Friday if not before.

The August 2016 Ramble date

So Lafayette has published the date of the next ramble as 26th August 2016. Is this to celebrate his ancestor’s introduction of the Déclaration des droits de l'homme et du citoyen. This declaration was of course introduced by General Lafayette

and signed on 26/8/1789

July's Second Ramble

NERDS' Ramble No. 320 - 27th July 2016.

Those Present – Froggy, Lafayette, Sandyballs, Curly Clarke, Paco, The Bish, The Captain.

Guests – Imogen, El Perro Negro Bandido.

Froggy's Summer Ramble.

Froggy had worked out a fantastic rural ramble going round the famous Berwick reservoir, having a pint chez Pete at the Yew Tree

and then proceeding over the fields to The Plough at Chalvington(?). Anyway these plans all came to nought because of crappy weather and Southern Rail depriving us of most of our trains. We had done the original Froggy ramble before and it was a good one, but it needed to be done on a nice sunny day and with a decent chance of getting to the starting line. No such luck that day.

And so Froggy had invented a ramble over the Downs towards Seaford from Newhaven, on a route we'd all never been on before, and so the NERDS were in a state of high excitement. But first we all had to meet. This was a bit complicated. Rendez-vous was in The Newhaven Coffee House.

Where the fuck this was even Lafayette didn't know until his wife pointed out it was at the top of the High Street next to the paper shop. Wow! You live and learn. Lafayette usually made his own coffee at home and was too mean to buy all that la-de-da shop stuff. Anyway, it would be an easy place for the Seaford contingent to get to ( lotsa buses available) but Sandballs had to get in from Lewes by some crappy little pensioners' bus which only ran about once every two weeks or so.

Suffice to say, meeting up all together at the same place at more or less the same time was completely chaotic.

People drifted in bit by bit, search parties had to be sent out for Sandyballs and the Bish, the Captain turned up by himself, and Lafayette got a phone call at home from Curly saying he ought to get his arse out of bed because today was ramble day. Woops! Better get down the coffee shop.

After a false start because Lafayette had forgotten his hat and the Brexit whip, everyone was more or less together.

The weather was drizzly and dull. First port of call was to head towards The Flying Fish for an early lunch. This involved some serious manoeuvring through Sainsbury's car park which was fairly dangerous and where Matt kept running around being pursued by mad drivers who he was convinced were all after his family jewels. We got into the Fish,

and as usual found it deserted apart from the barman. It's never really recovered from the glory days of being run by the Welsh woman with big tits and her husband, the French chef. First off we were told there was no Harvey's that day; he had a barrel but he wasn't opening it early just for us. Hmm....

So we drank some sort of Shepherd Neame and sat ourselves all round a table

at the back next to the kitchen. The Bish stripped off to reveal a teeshirt in dayglo green which made him stand out like a luminous Ninja Turtle. He confessed to having bought a pack of three of these while abroad on holiday. They were puke green, vile orange and white. We asked him why he hadn't just worn the white one to avoid offending our eyes. “ I can't tell the difference between them since I'm colour blind,” said the Bish. “ Actually, I only bought them because they were cheap, but they frighten away the seagulls

when I'm sunbathing in the back garden.”

The meal was OK; most people had pie and chips or fish and chips. The only snag here was lack of staff.

If you were getting your dinner you couldn't get another drink, and vice versa. The barman/waiter/frontman was doing all the work himself; he coped reasonably well and was adequately polite, but he needed a Polish barmaid as back-up and as a bit of glamorous furniture.

Suddenly outside there was a kerfuffle and Paco appeared (late) and said he'd had to feed Perro Negro Bandido and Imogen, his mom, before coming out.

Paco joined us for lunch; Imogen sat outside with Bandido who was so big, black and terrifying that he wasn't allowed inside. Lafayette went outside and suggested that Imogen got herself a job as a Polish barmaid to speed things up in the pub. “ No time,” she replied. “I've got to keep this ravening monster in check.” Lafayette thought this was rather a strange way to talk about Paco since he usually just drifted through life and wasn't particularly dangerous to anyone.

After lunch Froggy took us through Denton, then up a mega steep path to the top of the houses, then over the Downs towards where Bronco used to keep his horse Crunchy. It was a path not most of us had followed before, certainly Lafayette who lived only about a mile away had never explored this strange way. Matt was busy talking about how he had recently inspected Tubby's equipment and had not been impressed (what do they both get up to together?) The Captain hastened to clarify that Matt was only referring to his collection of VHS tapes (yeah, yeah) but Matt was so engrossed in his subject that he managed to fall down a hole and injure himself (slightly).

At this point we had arrived at Bishopstone, and Froggy laid before us the decisions we would have to make about what we could do next. Imogen took Bandido home so that he could savage some more sheep and gobble up a child or two

, and The Captain went back home to polish his equipment. The rest of us got on a bus into Seaford and ended up in The Old Boot where Sandyballs pronounced the Hammerpot beer to be crap (serves him right, he should have stuck to Harveys) and where Froggy gave us a lecture on British Heritage and where he was next going walking with Curly. Matt demanded that he produce lots of pictures especially of disordered bed sheets, but Froggy said he and Curly were sleeping in separate hammocks

so he couldn't oblige.

And so after a few more drinks the ramble ended. Despite the poor staffing arrangements we had had a good lunch and Froggy had taken us on ways and bye-ways we had never been before. An original ramble route is quite something these days; after nearly thirty years we've nearly worn East Sussex out. So thanks to Froggy and thanks to all our other guests. (bow, wow.) Next ramble Friday 26th August in Brighton.
Love.

Lafayette.