NERDS' Ramble No. 316. 23rd March 2016.
A thin cluster of NERDS turned out on 17th March to celebrate St Patrick's Day. They were Sandyballs, Lafayette, Dio and Paco. Unfortunately Matt, Curly and Froggy were otherwise engaged ie. hols and such like, so not such a howling mob as in years gone by.
Coffee and Jamesons were served at Lavender Lodge where Dio told us of his experience on a previous St Pat's day when he had been a bodyguard for someone famous on a float in New York. Paco told us how his uncle had fought in the Spanish Civil War but had always got time off to go and drink Guinness somewhere when St Pat's name cropped up. Then we looked at a charming dvd of the big NERDS arsing about in Lewes about 1992, and thereafter of the baby Nerdlings pratting about up on Mount Caburn during the famous picnic when B.T. fell over and smashed his face in. ( He got better).
The expedition travelled by bus to Rottingdean where the NERDS started off drinking in the Black Horse. However we were driven out as a result of someone wanting to have a wake there which dampened down the party atmosphere a bit.
Lunch was taken at The Plough, the pub by the duck pond. The place had gone up-market since the food and drink cost considerably more than last year and we had waitress service “inflicted” on us. However.......our waitress (Georgina) raised everyone's morale (so to speak). She was young, very pretty and from Puerto Rica. It was therefore a good excuse for Paco to show off that he spoke a modicum of spanish. Nevertheless the beer was more than £4 a pint – but I guess you pay for the pleasure of the waitresse's attention. ( She was rather nice).
The NERDS decided they weren't going to make this into a proper ramble since by now they were all emotionally drained and some of us were going out later that evening. Lafayette had never been to The Queen Victoria, a pub near the bus stop, and so we went there and drank Jamesons again. It was a very old fashioned pub, narrow but long, but sadly seemed to be bereft of nice puerto-rican barmaids.
And so, mindful of their livers and their other social commitments, the NERDS called a halt to that day's “ excursion” and went home by bus. There had not been a lot of attention paid to St Pat himself, but we had made a new friend and some of us had practised their spanish. Wonder when Puerto Rico National Day takes place........
The Real March Ramble 23/3/16. - done for the benefit of B.T.
Those Present – B.T. (of course), Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs,
Matt.
Froggy had bought himself a new hat.
He'd finally taken the plunge and bought an Old Fart's flat cap – just like Lafayette's only a different colour. B.T. had come over from France but hadn't got a new hat; he'd brought Lafayette some French booze which the latter was keeping a secret from the rest of the NERDS just in case they turned up thirsty again at Lavender Lodge.
Now, because The Yew Tree in Arlington had been such a welcoming pub last ramble we had decided to take B.T. there for lunch in the hope of getting another free drink out of bonhomie-ous landlord, Pete. Sadly this is not how things worked out.
Aperitifs were taken at the caff on Lewes station
while we waited for the train
to Berwick.
Meanwhile, B.T. took photos of absolutely everything that moved and many a thing that didn't. Froggy's girlfriend, The Ginger M.......arvel, wasn't there that day. Froggy was disappointed; he wanted to impress her with his new hat. “ Never mind,” he said, “ I'll show it to the barmaid with the big tits at The Yew Tree, she's always nice to me, and she'll be impressed!”
First of all a chance to seek out the Milf at the Berwick Inn
and try some charm on her. As usual the NERDS were the only ones there
but at least they'd got a fire going.
No Milfs around however until two sweaty girls in running gear came in and went upstairs to do heaven knows what to each other in the shower, (stop it, stop it).
Then we drank Harvey's and sat by the fire while B.T. told us about his lavish, millionaire lifestyle on his yacht
down in the South of France, and how he did nothing but drink red wine
and calvados
and took photos of the many models
who attended his sumptuous parties.
One or two of us were a bit dubious about the veracity of this account, especially Lafayette who was the honestest of all the NERDS and never told any fibs.
A feature of this particular ramble was that the whip was reintroduced since everyone had decided that they did actually want to drink as opposed to all that “My body is a temple,” rubbish that had been spouted at previous rambles. Fortunately Lafayette had found some scruffy pig skin purse which he kept the money in. Froggy was dying to take it off him but Lafayette was adamant that he was going to do it his way.
The ramble proper began. Just as we were crossing the first field another rambling group seemed to join us
from a different direction. They were obviously “proper” ramblers because they had sticks and maps (and were sober). Some of them even were girlies. One such moved in on Froggy. “ That's a nice hat you've got ,” she said. “Yes, It's my rambling hat,” replied Froggy. “ It makes me big and strong so that I can carry on walking for hours and hours.”
The girly was obviously impressed. These proper ramblers were getting further and further ahead, and so was Froggy. The lure of the pheromones had proved too much. Girlies are divisive, that's why we had NERDS' Rule No 1, but Froggy was getting more and more wrapped up in impressing this female. The girly was getting bolder. “Do you think I could actually er... touch your hat?” she began. But at this point the NERDS had had enough and dragged poor Froggy back down to earth to reinstate him with his proper kind. God, have you ever seen a NERD sulk!
The NERDS crossed some more muddy fields and eventually reached the reservoir.
The weather wasn't very good being bleak and rather windy. Matt said a girly had talked to him once and he'd run away before she could touch his hat. Lafayette said they were different on Darkside rambles when they all drank prosecco and giggled a lot, but he didn't really understand why they did this. The NERDS all agreed that girlies were dangerous unless they were barmaids or waitresses and were best avoided, especially if they were “proper” ramblers what with sat navs and stuff like that.
We came to a bridge
; the one where B.T. used to perform his acrobatic balancing act along the rail over the river. Fortunately he felt too old and fat to repeat this feat
even though we offered to film it for the benefit of the supermodels on his yacht. Poor things, they might have had to find another sugar daddy to bankroll them.
The meal in The Yew Tree was well up to standard and we got put into the back annex where there was plenty of room for us to sing, shout and tell jokes. We had been looking forward to seeing Pete and maybe getting a free drink, but alas he was allegedly out playing golf, not avoiding loud NERDS, as we all suspected. Neither was Froggy's (other) special friend there; the barmaid with the big tits. Maybe she had joined another rambling group to get her weight down. Hey, perhaps she'd joined the Darkside!
So, although the fare was good
, it had been a bit of a disappointment in The Yew Tree from a social point of view. However Froggy made yet more new friends with a fat couple who said they went out to lunch at a different pub every day. “ Do you go rambling as well?” asked Froggy. “ Not a chance.” they replied. “We wouldn't want to have to deal with all that walking, photo taking and write-up shit. Far better to just stuff our faces in comfort.” Matt thought this was such a good idea he made a mental note to start (yet another) NERDS spinoff club devoted to dining and witty conversation. Watch this space.
Back over the fields
we went
to The Berwick
. The fire was still going so we settled down for more witty conversation and more beer. The former was enlivened by Sandyball's enthusiastic account of his new book on how to commit suicide
in a clean and tasteful way. Something to give as a Christmas present to one's aging mother in law perhaps?
Our last stop was in the Runaway Cafe (again) where we made the aquaintance of Alice
the Barmaid who was standing in that day for the Ginger Marvel, and who was considerably younger and prettier than her colleague. Alice had that eager enthusism of youth whereby she drank in every thing we told her and actually believed Lafayette when he said he'd make her famous. NERDS and barmaids, what's this all about then? Anybody would think our wives don't understand us.
Well, it had been a ramble that was slightly less muddy than last month, and you are always guaranteed a good meal at The Yew Tree. Froggy had made some new, if somewhat dubious, friends, and it had been nice to see B.T. again, even if he didn't perform any death defying acrobatic feats for us. Next month we hope to see Bronco, possibly in the new re-vamped Anchor at Ringmer.
Bye bye from........Lafayette.
