NERDS' Ramble No.
293. 16th April 2014.
Those Present
– Lafayette, Froggy, Sandyballs, The Admiral,
Bronco.
Bronco's Back!
Rumour had it that Bronco had actually retired - ie. he
had ceased attending the office at Newhaven where all the proper
I.O.s who had done crossings had
once worked. Sadly, those left were the dregs of the old Gatwick
society who didn't speak French and were more interested in seizing
fags rather than knocking off Algerians ( Oh, the nostalgia, oh, the
good Old Days. Whatever is the world coming to? Rant, rant etc etc.)
Anyway, I digress. Bronco had now left the hell-hole that is now
Newhaven (Whoops, there I go again!) and was free to become a NERD
once more, a member of a society whose standards had not
dropped over the years (Shaddup,
Lafayette for Chrissake!)
So, this ramble was in part to welcome Bronco back into
the fold, but also since most of the NERDS had been unable to attend
his retirement do at The Engineer because of other duties. Froggy and
Matt had been away holidaying in exotic parts, Paco had been on Mars
as usual, and Lafayette and Sandyballs had been indulging in
two-in-a-bed sex romps in the New Forest.
We also had a guest appearance from The Admiral that day
who had sailed back especially from the Windward Islands in his
magnificent yacht just to see Bronco again. All the NERDS met up with
Sandyballs at Lewes and then were transported to the Lewes Downs
where the ramble would begin. Bronco, because he was a bit out of
practice at walking and stuff, would meet us for lunch in The Green
Man in Ringmer.
The day was bright and sunny with a bit of a breeze to
stop you getting too hot. The NERDS struggled up the escarpment from
Lewes gasping and wondering why everything was so steep. There were
signs on the Downs that young people had already been there and made
their mark. A tasteful heart pierced by an arrow and an Easter bunny
had been laid out in stones on the side of the hill ( Auh, sweet!).
The Admiral, aware that Lafayette had a vast arsenal of
weapons back at home, told him of the terrible seagull problem he had
round his house. “ They're building nests, shitting everywhere,
making a bloody squawking racket, I can't stand it any more, they'll
be carrying off babies soon and eating them.” the Admiral was
clearly distraught but Lafayette knew he could do nothing. Shooting
seagulls was verboten; they were a protected species, protected by
The Home Office no less. “Well can you come round and get rid of
the wild boars that are digging up my lawn?” said the Admiral,
obviously getting desperate. “ Sorry, no way,” replied Lafayette,
“Home Office Regulations.” “Well, at least you can surely come
round and cull the elephants that are all crapping behind the garden
shed?” screamed the Admiral, clearly distraught and on the brink of
a nervous breakdown “All this wild life is getting far too much.”
“No.” said Lafayette firmly - “ Home Office. Besides everyone
might think I was an irresponsible person if I came round your place
blasting away at all and sundry.
Better get the rat catchers from Environmental Health
around; at least they work for the Home Office and are in a better
position to really cock up your problem.” The Admiral contined to
gibber and sob quietly.
After a pleasant walk
through Ringmer we headed towards The Green Man. Sure enough there
was Bronco sat at the bar with a drink infront of him. He looked well
and said he felt relieved to be free from the stresses and strains of
H.M. Border Agency.
( Actually he said he'd quite enjoyed working
there during his final days.) It must have been hell being with all
those Customy types but they'd all clubbed together to give him a
large mantelpiece clock knowing as they did his weakness for time
pieces. And he'd also got a small tablet to faff about with and watch
porn on. What more could a retiree want?
We sat in the sunny garden of The Green Man and watched
mine host buzzing around like a mad wasp. Don't know what his name is
but he certainly generates a lot of enthusiasm for his pub, and the
Old Trip beer was excellent. Bronco told us how he'd been spending
all his retirement money on dead expensive Rotary watches, and
Lafayette was really jealous because he'd only got two old Omegas. We
were impressed by the quality if the food but more by the charms of
the nymphet waitress who looked about fourteen but obviously had
enough grass on her wicket to come out to play. Never did get her
name – shame.
The Admiral presented everybody with some antique
Newhaven Port i/d passes he had unearthed from somewhere; but since
they were all dated 2003 there wasn't a personal one for Lafayette
(who had left in 1991) so he inherited (That Bastard) Knocker
Nicolson's one. Lafayette was most grateful for this, he had always
wanted a memento of (That Bastard) Nicolson and vowed he would stick
a different set of pins into it every night.
Finally we bid farewell to The Green Man and clustered
round the bus stop on the other side of the road to get the 143 back
into Lewes. Bronco bid farewell to us near his house 'cos he can't
drink much these days with his dodgy kidneys, nevertheless it was
nice to see him again and we hope he will continue to lunch with us
when he's not out on Crunchy being the Lone Ranger over the Downs.
Most of us then dived into The Gardeners and drank, yes, er... a beer
called Laughing Frog which was quite nice and whiled away the rest of
the afternoon.
So a good ramble on a pleasant sunny day and with Bronco
included it was even better. Soon we shall go to Spain if we can
round up Paco to lead us there, so start saving up those euros now.
Hasta luego, los Nierdos.
Lafayette.
