NERDS' Ramble No. 286. 23rd Sept. 2013.
Those Present – Sandyballs,
Lafayette, Froggy, Paco.
The Very Close Thing Ramble.
It was September, the weather was still warm and sunny, and the
emergent NERDS had put themselves once again in the hands of their amazingly
competent routemaster, Sandyballs. The latter had never got us lost, never got
into a strop when things had faltered, and, more importantly, had always
managed to deliver us to watering holes and lunch places intact. Would he be
able to maintain the high standards which he had consistently set for himself
and on which his reputation hung? Vamos a ver!
Matt was still chatting up rich widows on cruises, hoping to increase
his already swollen bank accounts, so we had no real knowledge of his whereabouts
– not even a postcard – mean bastard!
However Paco had managed to tear himself away from Meryl Lynch's by saying he was just slipping out to
buy some shares, and might just take over Barclays or somewhere while he was
out. So the NERDS this day were four – enough of us to get into trouble.
Most of us met up on the train where Paco introduced us to his new best
friend, someone called Shuna (?) who was not to be allowed on the ramble
because of NERDS' Rules Nos. 1 and 2.
( and because she unfortunately qualified on both counts). Having got
over these tricky hurdles, we alighted at Lewes where Sandyballs met us and
said he had a magnificent ramble organised and that nothing could possibly go
wrong to spoil our day.
It all started off very well with a snifter (well, two actually) taken
in The Brewers Arms, a pub famous for being the only one in the world to open
its doors to NERDS at 10. 00hrs in the morning.
Sandyballs informed us that the previous evening he had finally paid
off the mortgage on his ranch style, split level etc. etc. residence, but had
decided to carry on working at the other
airport. This was because he had recently set his sights on buying Richard
Branson's carribean island off him, and even with no more mortgage to pay, he
felt that every little bit extra he earned might one day put him up in the
Dumpling Dwyer class of money-grabbing misers and finally get him within the
pages of the Sunday Times Rich List. Sympathy from the NERDS was scant – all
they were bothered about was would he buy us a free drink. (In the cause of
natural justice it has to be said that he did – but not here.)
Anyway, our skillful routemaster finally broke off from his financial
musings and led his underlings up past the old Meridian pub (sadly no longer
there), up past Lewes prison and further up towards the infinite upness of the
Downs.
“Moan, moan, moan,” went the NERDS; “ Why are we being taken in the
direction of up when all the eaty and drinky bits of Lewes are situated nearer
sea level. But Sandyballs, ever resourceful , had a plan.
As previously mentioned , it was a pleasant, sunny day.
We passed over
the old race course and watched the rich people having their horses exercised
by some minions at the stables there. We chatted to a couple of cyclists who
claimed to have seen Wiggo on his last mad dash to win the recent Tour de
Britain, and then got a bit lost (but not too
much) and were led by Sandyballs downwards (thank God!) to another pub he knew that would serve us a
magnificent lunch as a finale to what he considered to be the most fantastic
ramble he had ever taken us on.
“Good job,” thought the NERDS, “we're all starving after this
unaccustomed climbing exercise and we're really looking forward to lunch.” So,
down, down we proceeded on a sun- lit, dappled path where Lafayette suddenly
smelled great danger. Spotting a vicious
looking creature he had seen lurking on a low hanging branch ready to bite
unwary NERDS and being the hero that he is (remember the shipwrecks and other
er... stuff) Lafayette saw immediately
the danger that his companions were in from a huge stripy anaconda that also
wanted its lunch and was ready to squeeze the life from any one of them. Boldly
Lafayette threw himself on the deadly serpent and after a herculean struggle managed
to subdue it and thereby save the day.
What a hero! What strength! and what consideration for his
fellow NERDS, to have saved their lives in this unselfish way!
Buoyed up by the cheers of the other NERDS Lafayette bowed modestly and
said he hoped that Sandyballs would treat him to a special lunch to reward him
for his sterling efforts. A grateful Sandyballs promised him the most
magnificent meal that his wallet could provide ( a very big meal, then), just as soon as they reached the Chalkpit Pub
where he planned to surprise us with its culinary delights.
Eager and hungry, the NERDS staggered down the main road, round the
bend and saw the welcome sight of a Sussex pub just ahead. Goodness, we were
all tired and done-in now. Oh, how happy we were to see somewhere to put up our
feet and rest awhile and partake of
the sumptuous meal promised by our leader.
There was just one slight snag..... the pub was closed. A notice over
the drive-way bore witness to this miserable fact and it was plain the NERDS would
get no dinner here. Just as we turned
to Sandyballs ready to mildly criticise him for this minor mishap, our trusty
leader spoke “ Don't worry,” he said soothingly, “we can always go to The
Blacksmiths Arms which is just round the next corner and but a few brief yards
away.”
And so, once again loyally putting our trust in organisational skills
of the Routemaster, we followed his lead and dragged our weary bodies back
along the main road with the blind faith that this small blip in our happiness
would not blight the rest of the day nor our lunch which we were getting more
and more ready for.
At last The Blacksmiths Arms hove into view. My God, we were tired! By
Jove, we were hungry! But what was this? Instead of sweet cooking smells and
the scent of Harvey's beer ready to oil our parched throats, sights and sounds
came there none. The Blacksmiths Arms was as dead as not only The Chalkpit but
the pub in Pevensey which Froggy had forgotten to check was open last month.
Furious at such a gross disappointment, and starving beyond measure,
the NERDS were about to kill Sandyballs in an extremely nasty and violent way,
bury him face down on his caribbean island and make Froggy our trusted and
capable leader instead because even he had fucked up the lunch pub only once on a ramble.
“ Never mind,” squeaked a severely embarrassed Sand balls, “ I knew
this would happen all along so trust me, I've got a plan C.
We can go down into Lewes and go to The Elephant and Castle, that's
always open. (I hope).” The rest of the NERDS had had enough. They threw
Sandyballs to the ground, bound him with nettle plants and barbed wire, and
dragged him behind us, bumpety bump, down the hill towards where the alleged
open pub was.
Very, very, very fortunately The Elephant was open, and more importantly still dispensing food and drink so
the NERDS forgave Sandyballs, especially after he had bought us all a mortgage
drink, and finally got their lunch.
It must be said that The Elephant did a
magnificent array of exotic beefburgers (and chips), and a lot of different,
interesting beers, so it had been a very close thing but the day was saved from
being a total disaster.
“I expect whoever does the write-up will have a lot to talk about.”
said Sandyballs innocently, as he was driven off home by his dutiful wife. “Not
fucking half,” thought Lafayette to himself; and so, Dear Readers, I swear to
you, every word of this account is God's honest truth, (especially the bit
about Lafayette being a hero and fighting off the anaconda).
So thanks to all who took part, and also to Him Who dragged Victory so
very nearly out of the Jaws of Defeat.
Paco's sister seems to think we can go to her house in Spain again next
year so a great big NERDS kiss to her.
Adios.
Lafayette.
